Yes, No, Maybe
by ladycortana
Summary: Touka has everything she could possibly need: she's engaged to her charming fiancé, Haise, and enjoys a remotely happy life in Tokyo. But her world turns upside down once her heart revives dead ashes towards the cold and dangerous Kaneki, Haise's younger brother. BlackReaper/Touka. Human AU.
1. Then The Quiet Explosion

**«Yes, No, Maybe»**

 **Chapter 1:** Then the Quiet Explosion

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 **A/N:** I have SO much to say, please bear with me. I wasn't expecting this chapter to be this long, i swear, but it just happened. This first chapter is very introductive so I'm nervous about that since the romance isn't "that" present yet, well it is (towards the end, kinda) but it will be developed in each chapter so you're gonna have to be a bit patient to get the spicy things you probably want to read.

ALSO! Kaneki's mother plays a huge role in this story, so if you're uncomfortable reading abusive behaviors, just... don't read this.

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 **NOTE:** I do own Sayanara's permission to keep on writing/posting my story despite the similarities between our fics, we both are totally OK with each other and we have discussed our issues in private, as it should be. Thanks.

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"One day I'll fly away  
Leave your love to yesterday  
What more can your love do for me?  
When will love be through with me?  
Why live life from dream to dream  
And dread the day when dreaming ends."  
 _ **—Randy Crawford, One Day I'll Fly Away**_

 **—o—**

The lights of Tokyo flicker for long hours, shadows that throb like heartbeats ready to die. And they do.

They do.

The night is freezing. The wind freezes in every corner of a street that is empty and hollow, keeping a secret that nobody should know. That night, Tokyo confabulates to help them cover all their sins, to hide them away from curious stares and wash every tint of morality, every voice of reason lurking in the dark. During all these years, her body had been baptized in those crimes, an indelible sin that she had to carry on her skin like an ancient tattoo. It was like a divine punishment, a curse, a pact with the devil.

She can clearly remember the purity that once defined the texture of her skin. When her hair wasn't that blue and she only had two eyes for one person, one soul, the one she promised to love till the end of her days, but not anymore. The moment things started to shatter around her... she can't truly remember. It couldn't be now, at her twenty-three years old, right? Maybe when she first met him, back when she was six? Or maybe during their younger years in high school... she really can't tell. The shadows of a frosty night consume her just as the poignant taste of his lips. They take, and steal, and shatter, it lights a fire in her chest that she knows, she knows, she _knows_ it will burn till the day she dies.

And there's no consolation.

She's already trapped in the arms of a reaper.

 **—o—**

Numb.

Everything is numb.

The burden of life—the burden of alcohol, too—feels heavy upon her being, scratching every corner of her mind, squeezing every part of her body, forcing her to hide underneath the sheets with a lazy sigh. _It didn't happen_ , she reassures herself. _Just forget about it._

Touka groans in her slumber, eyes slightly closed by the touch of the sunlight coming through the window and landing on her face. She sinks her face into her pillow as she feels Haise's deep yawn by her side. She feels his steps as he walks out from their bed and shuffles to the bathroom to take a quick shower and spread some spray to get that fluffy hairstyle that she likes so much. She hears his presence coming back to the bedroom, picking a white shirt from the closet, striped pants and buckling his brown belt, the one she gave him for his last birthday.

She feels him coming closer until the feeling of his lips touching her cheeks wakes her up.

"Touka-chan," he sweetly calls. "Wake up, bunny."

Bunny.

In other circumstances, in different mornings, she would have smiled at the tender name. She always did. But today is different. She groans, burying her face in her pillow as another wave of pain hits her brain, a painful reminder of the party from last night.

"Why…" she complains in response, hearing Haise's shoes walking all the way to the window to open it completely, allowing the sun to brighten the entire room.

"Because," he explains, walking to the other side. "We have our dinner at my mom's house, remember?"

The dinner. _Right._ She groans again, feeling rebellious.

She hears him giggle. The weight of his body gently looms over her, taking off the sheets to look at her face. Touka blinks at his beautiful face, smiling softly at her. A soft scent of mint and hairspray lingers in the air.

"I'm sorry," he apologizes, rubbing her arms and taking her hands to kiss them softly. "I know that you're tired today. You went crazy last night."

Touka frowns, turning over to hide her face with the sheets again. She hears him laugh.

"Stop."

"What happened to you? You're not much of a drinker."

Ugh.

"Shut up."

"Saiko found you, you were crying because you wanted a strawberry cake. You cried all the way home when I told you that all the bakeries were closed."

"Stop! I don't want to know!" she growls, and Haise keeps laughing, planting a kiss on her shoulder.

"Okay, okay! No one knows, though. I made sure that nobody saw you. Shirazu suspects something but Saiko made sure to cover it up for us. So it's a secret."

A secret.

Yeah, it surely was.

Touka frowns, trying to erase every single memory of that night. Every single one.

"Come on, wake up, you need to get ready." Haise gives her waist a funny squeeze that makes her squirm and walks out towards the closet, looking for something. "Mom called me a few hours ago. She seems to be in a good mood today."

Touka turns around on the bed, curling up to look at him.

"Who's coming?" she asks, hands already trembling with the thought.

Part of her doesn't want to know the answer to that.

"Just us," he replies, grabbing a watch from his drawer and adjusting it around his wrist.

" _All_ of us?"

Haise blurts out a tired sigh, giving her a quick glance from the huge mirror in front of him.

"Yeah, _all_ of us," Haise closes the drawer, fixing his hair. "I told Kaneki that if he didn't come too, I would stop talking to him."

Touka snorts, rolling her eyes in annoyance. Haise was way too sweet, way too gentle with his younger brother, when all that he needed was a firm hand to teach him some manners. _If he was my brother…_ she thinks, yet she knows he's not. She's everything but his sister. Sometimes she wishes that she was.

"Like if he cares," she complains.

Haise sighs, defeated.

"I know, but he still has responsibilities. I told him to bring a cake, I hope he remembers," her fiancé walks away from the closet. "God, sometimes I don't know what to do with him."

Touka snorts.

"You need to beat the shit out of him."

He smiles.

"I'll leave that to you," he says. "Come on, get up. I'll make you breakfast."

Touka observes the way her sweet Haise leaves their room, the heels of his shoes clacking all the way to the kitchen as she hears the sound of the fridge being open, the water from the sink running, the sound of the cups being taken from the shelves. Touka blinks up at the ceiling above her, a hand rubbing her forehead as she turns her head around to look at the empty spot on the bed, frowning at the feeling of her heart tearing open at the memory of last night.

 _It didn't happen,_ she reassures. _It didn't fucking happen._

Oh, but it did. It did.

She decides to blame the alcohol, the unnecessary drunkenness of the moment. People make mistakes when they're drunk, right? Besides, nobody really saw them. Right? Or maybe they did, maybe they did see them, and now they're gonna tell Haise about it, now they're gonna—

Touka releases an exasperated sigh, groaning against the palm of her hands and feeling extremely angry with herself. With him.

How pathetic.

She heads to the bathroom and takes a cold shower. She stays there for long minutes, freezing and with eyes that burn slightly when she hears Haise's voice calling out for her, telling her that breakfast is ready. She doesn't answer, though. Touka keeps her eyes buried under lids shut by the drops rolling all over her face, the weight of all the guilt that is raining upon her right now.

In silence, Touka wipes out a tear. The only one she will allow herself to cry, she won't give him that satisfaction. She was happily engaged with Haise, the man of her dreams, wearing a beautiful ring on her finger that reminded her the reason of her existence, the reason for why she wanted to wake up every single morning, feeling his arms wrapped around her body and his fluffy hair tickling her nape.

"Where have you been?" he'd asked once Saiko found her, crying over silly excuses like "I want cake" and "my head hurts" even if they were all a lie.

Lies. Lies. _Lies._

"I don't know," she'd replied, burying her face in his chest.

Ah, such a different smell. Clean cotton and chocolate mint. Nothing compared to the wild tobacco sense impregnated on his brother's jacket.

But then he'd wrapped her face in his hands, a tint of confusion crossing his features.

 _Why do you smell like cigarette? Ah, bunny, have you been smoking again?_

No. Not _me._

Touka sighs, hiding her face in the palm of her hands. Stop, stop it. Stop thinking about it. Forget it.

By the time she gets out of the shower, she's freezing. For a moment she regrets having used cold water, but it helped with her headache. She dries her hair and ties it in a small ponytail, picks up a tight jean and a huge sweater and that's it, she's ready to go. She finds Haise in the kitchen, using his pink apron and looking cuter than ever.

"T-Touka-chan, come un, hurry up, your coffee is getting cold."

Touka rolls her eyes, wrapping her arms around him and pressing a kiss on his back.

"Calm down, it's still very early."

It makes her laugh, somehow, that he's always freaking out about the tiniest things. He pats her hand, and then grabs a brown plastic bag from the nearest shelve. "I bought your favorite cookies. Eat something before we leave. How's your headache?"

Touka sighs, grabbing the bag and taking a seat, picking a cookie and taking a bite. She's not really hungry.

"I'm fine," she simply replies, lazily grabbing the remote control to turn on the news. "I took a cold shower, that helped."

Haise gasps, looking horrified. He hands her the cup of coffee and sits by her side, stirring the spoon in his own cup. "W-What? You're gonna catch a cold!"

She grimaces, ignoring him, when suddenly Haise's phone vibrates over the table. He takes a quick sip of his coffee and grabs his phone, looking at the screen. Touka keeps staring at the news, something about Urawa beating Shanghai to reach the Asian Champions League final. Oh, she thinks, Ayato would be happy. She'll make sure to give him a call later.

The sound of Haise's fingers writing on the keyboard forces her to run her eyes over his features with a tint of curiosity.

"Who is it?" she asks sweetly after taking a sip of the coffee, leaning to the bag to grab another cookie and take a bite.

He keeps his eyes on the phone, moving his fingers over the screen.

"Kaneki," he explains, a little distracted.

Touka stops chewing the cookie. It gets warmer in her mouth as her body slightly tenses. She forces herself to keep chewing, but the texture of the cookie slowly transforms into arid sand inside her mouth. Touka swallows, grimacing.

"What does he want?" she simply says, grabbing the mug to take another sip.

Haise sighs, putting the phone back on the table.

"Oh, nothing. He's just letting me know that he's coming."

Touka bites back an annoyed sigh, drawing her eyes away from Haise to look back at the TV again.

Great.

 **—o—**

Mrs. Rieko was a wild thing, you see. A storm of her own. If a storm blows down a house or crushes a tree, no one says the storm was mean. It was cruel. It acted according to its dangerous nature and something or someone, unfortunately, was hurt.

"Mrs. Rieko has problems", her father used to say to her when Touka was only a child, asking about the bruises on Kaneki's body, the gloomy face on Haise's face every morning on their way to school, too innocent to understand the wild rules of adulthood. "We need to understand her."

But the truth is that Touka never could. As she grew older, she couldn't understand how Mrs. Rieko would rather spend her whole day sleeping instead of taking her kids to the park, buy them an ice cream cone, help them with their homework — do all the things that her own mother did with her when she was only a baby. She couldn't understand how antidepressants and bottles of alcohol seemed to be her only motor of life, the only thing that would push her forward to live another day. She couldn't understand how Mrs. Rieko couldn't find that comfort in their son's eyes, how Haise had to become an adult at such a young age, become a parent and take care of their younger brothers, take care of his own sick mother and stand nights of endless nightmares, broken bottles crashed against lonely soils and the bruises on Kaneki's body.

She just couldn't.

Still, Mrs. Rieko was a lovely woman when the days were kind to her, and she loved Touka deeply.

"Oh, dear!" she greets after opening the door, smiling brightly at the sight of her most beloved son, Haise, and his beautiful future wife, Touka. She tugs her in a tight embrace. "I'm so happy that you came!"

Mrs. Rieko stares at her with graceful eyes, her eyelashes spreading in extravagant length. She was a gorgeous woman. Very small, just like her.

Touka smiles, squeezing her back.

"How are you?"

"I'm good, sweetie, I'm good," She moves to one side to let them come inside. "Haise, dear, take the bags to the kitchen, please."

Haise nods, quickly moving over to the kitchen to save the drinks they brought inside the fridge, quickly dodging little Ken with a smile as he comes running to crash against Touka's body in a firm embrace.

"Touka-chan!" the boy screams, smiling up at her with bright eyes.

Rieko laughs.

"He's been talking about you all day when I told him you were coming over."

Touka giggles, bending over to match little Ken's height and squeeze his cheeks.

"Oh, is that so?"

Ken nods, coming closer to give her a hug, his little arms enveloping her neck tightly against his body. Touka sighs, returning the gesture. He was the younger of five brothers and the apple of Haise's eyes. She would never forget the day Haise wept when he told her that little Ken had called him dad by accident, quickly apologizing for it at realizing his mistake. "You don't have to apologize for that, Ken," Haise had replied. "You can call me whatever you want." From that day, as Touka can remember, Ken would still refer to Haise as dad sometimes. It was a beautiful yet heartbreaking thing to hear.

"I missed you a lot," Ken whispers, smiling when Touka picks him up from the floor, clinging to her neck like a tiny monkey. "I want you to read me a picture book."

Touka smiles, parting her lips to reply in agreement, but Rieko interrupts with an annoyed sigh.

"Later, Ken, later. She has to help me with dinner."

Her tone comes off sharp and cold, not being able to realize the disappointed gesture on Ken's face. His mom turns around, picking up some toys from the floor and leaving a tense atmosphere behind. Touka sighs, brushing Ken's hair and smiling at him softly, trying to cheer him up a little.

"It's okay," she reassures. "I'll read you after dinner."

Ken's eyes shimmer. "R-Really?"

Touka nods, kissing his cheek.

"I promise."

She puts him down and smiles softly at the sight of Kuroneki and Shironeki entering the room. They were both around Ayato's age, although Kuroneki was a year younger. Touka suddenly realizes how similar he looks to Kaneki, but gentler, softer, kinder. Shironeki, on the other hand, was a mix of Haise and Kaneki, with his pale hair and boring features. He reminded her a lot of her brother Ayato.

"Mom," Shironeki says. "You have a phone-call."

Mrs. Rieko frowns. "Who is it?"

Shironeki shrugs, not really showing interest.

The woman sighs, nodding.

"Touka, dear, can you start making the rice, please?" she asks, walking towards the other room to pick up the phone. "I'll be right back!"

Touka nods, coming closer to greet Kuroneki with a hug.

"Hi, Touka-chan," he delivers a sheepish smile, patting her back softly.

"She looks fine today, doesn't she?" Touka pulls away with a sad smile, staring at the way Kuroneki nods nervously, turning around to glance at his mother speaking on the phone, smiling and giggling at the conversation. He softly lifts up his hand to scratch his chin.

"Y-Yeah," he says, drawing his eyes away from his mother to look back at Touka.

He's lying.

God. She knows these kids way too well. Touka's eyes fall on Shironeki who's reading something on his phone. She frowns, feeling terribly rejected.

"Hey, brat. Aren't you gonna give me a hug too?"

He flicks up his gaze, disgusted.

"I'm not a kid anymore, Touka," he responds slowly, the warm tone of his voice trying to hide this inner child that she still sees within him.

Her brows arch in amusement. Kuroneki starts laughing once Touka comes closer and wraps Shironeki's neck under her arms, trying to force him into an uncomfortable and embarrassing embrace. The boy shrieks, unable to pull away. Touka was extremely strong and tough despite her short appearance.

"A-Ah! T-Touka-chan, stop!" his voice doesn't sound that deep once he starts screaming like a girl. "H-Haise, help me!"

His older brother comes out from the kitchen carrying the empty bags, smiling softly.

"Don't be mean. Hug her back," he scolds.

Touka gives up, gasping, and laughing at Shironeki's embarrassed expression. He really was like Ayato, wasn't he?

"I'll get my hug later, though. I won't give up," she complains, reaching out her hand to squeeze his cheek and getting an "ah, stop!" in response. She smiles, heart growing warmer, and heads towards the kitchen to start preparing the rice.

It was a funny thing, you see, that Mrs. Rieko was asking her to help her with dinner when Touka's cooking skills were completely atrocious. Haise was the expert one, an ability he acquired after years of taking care of his brothers, cooking lunch for them every day before going to school; and Rieko would complain about it very often. "She's going to be your wife, what kind of wife doesn't know how to cook for his husband? You need to teach her!" Haise would usually laugh, avoiding any kind of confrontation. For Touka's luck, Haise wasn't as traditional as his mother, and he really enjoyed cooking way more than she did. Still, it was amusing for Touka that every time she had to help Rieko with dinner she would always give her simple tasks. Make rice, beat some eggs, boil some water.

It was certainly a relief.

Touka sighs, rolling up the sleeves of her sweater as she grabs the pan from the rice cooker and opens the faucet to wash it in the sink, blue locks of hair falling on her eyes and messing her ponytail even more. She sighs once she's done, and the voice of little Ken coming out from the living room freezes every single nerve on her body.

"Kaneki!"

His damn name resurrects on her chest like a hopeful prayer — or a terrifying curse.

She almost feels like dropping out the pan into the sink, but she firmly holds on onto it. No, no. Don't drop it. Don't drop anything. Stay calm, act like as if he's not even there. But his voice sounds deep in the distance, way deeper than Haise's, or Shironeki's, or any other brother from this broken little family. He's not the oldest, actually, he comes second after Haise. Yet he's the tallest—way taller than her, it always made her feel like a goblin—the meanest, the darkest of them all. The black swan, as she used to call him when she was little. The evil twin, the black sheep of the family.

Touka blurts out a deep sigh, trying to ignore his voice in the background and concentrate on keep preparing the rice. Flashbacks of the previous night come and chase her, eat her alive, make her feel like the ugliest piece of shit the world has ever seen, but she pushes those thoughts away and thinks of the rice. Yes. Rice. Where's the rice? Touka looks around, not being able to find it, when she remembers that it's in the living room, on the dinner table, inside the bags that Haise brought with them. His mother told them to buy extra rice.

Great.

Be brave, Touka. Be brave.

She turns around, ready to get out of the kitchen, and stops when a tall and dark figure stands in her way, blocking the door in front of her. Touka is frozen. Frozen in place because the figure that she sees standing in her way is looking down at her, with his black shirt and black striped pants, all black, just as his soul. His messy hair, his cold glasses, an unlit cigarette butt pressed between his lips. With her breath high up in her lungs, Touka clenches her fists and flickers up her gaze to meet him.

Kaneki, the — Black Reaper, that's the silly name they gave him at his work — looks almost surprised to see her there, standing in his way. But his surprise vanishes away almost immediately, and the dark spark burning behind those ugly glasses sends shivers down her spine.

Disgusting.

He opens his lips to speak, but Touka is quick enough to shove him away, throwing his huge presence to the other side of the frame door.

"Move!" she groans, passing over him towards the living room, leaving him behind and walking to the table to take the rice out of the bags. Touka swears she hears his silly laughter. Idiot.

"Okay, Ken, just give me a minute," she hears Haise say to the youngest boy. He turns around, looking at Kaneki coming out from the kitchen with a match, trying to light his cigarette. Touka sees the way Haise looks at him, confused. "Where's the cake?"

Kaneki leans against the door frame, turning off the fire and bringing the cigarette to his mouth before taking a long drag. Then, the suave curve of his lips puff out the smoke with elegance. All of this with a soft grin.

"What cake?"

Both, Haise and Touka, sigh with irritation.

"God, Kaneki," Haise complaints, frowning, taking his wallet to grab some cash. "What am I going to do with you, huh?"

Kaneki frowns, pretending to be confused.

"What did I do now?"

Haise gives Touka a quick and gentle glance.

"I'll go for the cake, I'll be right back."

Touka nods, sighing, and Haise abandons the house, shutting down the door behind him. Touka grabs the bag and walks towards the kitchen, passing through Kaneki and avoiding any kind of eye contact with him, she doesn't even want to think about it. Her quick hands open the rice bag and pour out some cups into the pan, the voice of Haise's mom still giggling on the phone, she probably didn't even realize that Kaneki was there. She probably doesn't even care, either.

Touka sighs, frowning. Why is she even thinking about t —

"Kirishima-san."

Her body twitches when his voice disrupts her sanity. She hears his steps coming closer until he's in the kitchen, by her side, leaning against the fridge as he smokes his cigarette with no remorse. Touka doesn't look at him, filling the pan with water and placing it in the rice cooker.

"Fuck off," she responds in a low tone.

Her hands are fucking trembling.

Kaneki smiles, the smoke puffing out of his nose, then his mouth.

"That's rude," he replies with a hoarse voice. She ignores him, but the bastard keeps going. He never stops. "You never talk like that with my dear mother, not even with my brother. You only talk dirty to me. Why is that?"

Touka closes the lid of the rice cooker and presses the button so it can start cooking.

"Because I hate you."

"It didn't seem like you hated me last night."

She opens the faucet, washing some dirty dishes with ease.

"Last night?" she asks, indifferent to his teasing. "I don't know what you're talking about."

Kaneki flicks up his eyebrows, and for a moment Touka is scared. She shouldn't have said that.

"Oh, are you sure? If I remember correctly," he starts, and leans closer, and closer, until she can hear his voice speaking near to her ear. Her hands squeeze the sponge firmly. "Kaneki, please… I need — "

She turns around, red and furious.

"Shut up!" she yells in a low tone, looking at the door and hoping that no one's heard the atrocity he just said. "Haise is — "

"He's out," Kaneki finishes for her.

"I don't care, just shut up," she scolds, and after thinking about it for a second, she grabs his arm and drags him towards the small laundry room inside the kitchen, pushing his back against the wall. He looks surprised, almost coughing with his own cig, but Touka's eyes are haunting and burning with rage. "Listen to me. You will fucking forget about it, did you hear me?"

A glint of amusement sparks in his eyes.

"I thought you said that nothing happened last ni — "

"I was drunk," she replies in her defense, staring at his cold eyes behind his Harry Potter glasses. "I didn't know what I was doing. If you got the wrong idea, then you're a little shit. Just leave me alone and don't fucking ruin things for me, okay?"

She waits, and waits, and waits for his answer. However, all he does is smile. A cocky, arrogant and shitty smile. God, she hates him so much.

"I love it when you talk dirty."

Touka groans, disgusted.

"Fuck you."

"I'm back!"

Haise's voice comes out from the entrance and Touka jumps in her place, heart throbbing furiously. Kaneki smirks, making fun of her, and Touka runs away from him as fast as she can, greeting Haise at the entrance. He's holding the box with the cake, closing the door behind him.

"H-Haise," Touka says, and she catches herself wringing her hands together, so she clenches them into strong fists. "Did you bought the cake?"

A stupid question, considering that he's holding it in his hands.

He smiles sweetly at her. "Yeah, I brought your favorite one, strawberry."

A hint of pain courses through her being; her veins, her bones, her heart. She's a huge piece of shit. She doesn't deserve any of this. She doesn't deserve a strawberry cake from him, nothing at all. Still, she forces herself to smile, coming closer to him and giving him a soft kiss on the lips.

"Thank you," she whispers against his mouth, and then grabs the box. "I'll put it in the fridge."

He nods, smiling back, and Touka swallows hard when she turns around and Kaneki is there, looking at them, smoking his cigarette in complete silence. Touka avoids his gaze, which is upon hers, and walks towards the fridge to put the cake inside.

The next hour runs very quickly. Haise's mom finishes her phone call and starts helping Touka with dinner. The rice is ready, the vegetables are cooked and the soup is warm, waiting to be eaten. As she serves the plates, she asks Touka to put on the table. She does, walking to the dining room to place the plates, the chopsticks, the glasses, until she stumbles upon Kaneki's legs both resting on top of the table. He's sitting at the edge, looking comfortable while reading something on his phone. He doesn't seem to notice that she's looking at him, waiting for him to move his legs away, but he obviously doesn't.

"Kaneki," she calls, clenching her jaw. "Move your legs."

He doesn't even flick up his gaze to look at her, his long fingers moving rapidly through the screen of his black phone, frowning slightly as his glasses shine like diamonds. Touka sighs, placing the plate furiously on the table and then pushing his legs off of it. "I said move your legs, idiot!"

He stumbles a bit, looking at her with an annoyed expression. She ignores him, and when Mrs. Rieko comes back with all the food, they all sit to eat in peace, at least, that's what Touka expects. This dinner isn't as different as others. The only one who keeps up the conversation is Haise, talking about work, making his mother laugh as Shironeki eats in silence and Ken avoids the greens, only eating the rice. Kaneki keeps his eyes fixed on his phone, completely oblivious to his surroundings, ignoring every single person inside the room. Touka feels his gaze upon hers from time to time, driving her crazy as she tries to keep focused on her food, on Mrs. Rieko's words, on Ken's little smiles, but the truth is that their eyes meet occasionally. He looks annoyed, like if he doesn't even want to be there. Of course he doesn't.

Mrs. Rieko smiles, drawing everyone's attention.

"W-Well," she starts, brushing her dark hair behind her ears. "There was a reason for why I wanted us all together today."

Touka adverts the way Kaneki's bored eyes look up at her, not expecting anything great. Kuroneki gives a sheepish smile, staring at her.

"What is it, mom?"

Rieko sighs, looking at her own plate.

"I… I'm getting better," she confesses, smiling with glossy eyes. "I want to get better. For all of you, I have to. I got rid of all the bottles that I had, and I already have two weeks without drinking anything at all, I'm officially sober. Right, Kuroneki?"

She looks at him, expecting an answer, and Kuroneki gives an uncomfortable nod. His eyes fall back on his plate.

"Y-Yes, mother."

Mrs. Rieko nods, happily staring at Haise.

"You see? I really am trying and I truly feel that this time things will be different. I really believe that I — "

The sound of a cold giggle disrupts the speech. Touka closes her eyes, already knowing what's going to happen next. Ken, Shironeki, Haise, Kuroneki… all of them are silent, the tension slowly building up until it's chocking them. Rieko keeps a forced smile, staring at the table and not moving a muscle. Slowly, her eyes fall on her son, Kaneki, who seems to be the only one having fun with the situation. He's still trying to repress a giggle, looking crueler than ever.

"Why are you laughing, Kaneki?" Rieko asks, and her voice shakes so much that Kuroneki closes his eyes.

He also knows what's about to happen. Touka's lips press together in a thin line, shoulders dropping, eyes looking at Kaneki and begging him to stop, stop, stop, but he won't. He never does.

His voice is deep as he speaks.

"Yeah, well, let's see how long it lasts. How was it last time? Three days?"

Shit.

Haise gives him a look that resembles the eyes of an angry father trying to educate his rebellious son, but Kaneki doesn't look back, he keeps his eyes fixed on his beloved mother. Rieko, on the other hand, draws her eyes away from him. She's not smiling anymore, she keeps looking at her plate, and Touka can notice her hands trembling. The silence is so loud that the poor little Ken, with only nine years old, feels forced to break it into pieces, smiling sheepishly and stammering as he speaks.

"H-Haise," he says, blinking repeatedly. "I h-have a book that I think you might like, they gave it to me in school."

Haise's eyes look impossibly sad as he stares at his little brother, who's trying to act like everything is fine. He keeps talking, even when Touka hears Rieko speak in a slow tone, but nobody hears her.

"S-Shut up," Rieko whispers, looking down, but Ken keeps talking.

"… it's about a dragon that one day finds a butterfly in the forest and he — "

"I said shut up!"

This time, Rieko's scream reverberates through the entire room, making Ken stop almost immediately when he hears his mom's hand being slammed against the table, making all the plates tremble and clatter. After that, she starts crying. Rieko blurts out a dramatic sob, covering her face with her hands as she swings back and forth, making Touka sigh and Haise jump out of his seat, trying to comfort his mother.

"Mom, please," he begs.

She shakes her head.

"Why, why, why!" she yells, looking up at Kaneki, and then at all his children. All of them except Haise. "All of you! I'm so sick of all of you! Every time I try to do something right… e-every time I try… y-you all ruin everything!"

Haise squeezes her shoulders, trying to help her rise from the chair.

"Mom, please, calm down. Kaneki didn't mean it," he reassures.

"I don't want anything," Rieko laments, sobbing deeply. "You all want to see me dead, is that it? You all would be so happy if I die."

Shironeki sighs, leaving the table and walking to his room without saying goodbye, clearly annoyed from another drama. That gets Mrs. Rieko on her nerves even more, "Yes! Yes! Leave like you always do! Always leaving your mother alone!" Ken is trembling, and Touka makes him a sign to stand up and come to her. He does it quickly. He gets up from the chair and walks towards her to sit on her lap, Touka wraps her arms around him, whispering that everything is fine. Kuroneki is silent, staring at his plate.

Haise drags his mom away from the table.

"Come on, mom, you need to lay down. Have you taken your pills?"

She shakes her head, walking alongside her son way to her room. "I don't want to, they don't help me. I… I would like a drink. Haise, please, if you could — "

"Later, mom, later. You need to sleep now."

Their voices get lost in the distance as they walk away from the dining room, and then the place is filled with Touka's calm breathing, Ken's little heartbeats and the cold gaze from Kaneki at the empty spot his mother left on the table. She looks at him, frowning, wanting to scold him and comfort him at the same time. During an instant the incident from last night is completely erased from her memory. From all Rieko's sons, Kaneki has always been the first victim, the punching bag.

"Kaneki — "

He doesn't even look at her. He gets up from the chair, grabs his phone, his jacket, and marches all the way to the front door that shuts a tad too loudly, making every wall in the house shake just as Ken's body in her arms, slightly scared by the thumping noise of his brother's rage.

Touka sighs, caressing Ken's hair.

"Do you want me to read you the picture book?"

He nods quickly against her chest, and she looks up to smile at Kuroneki.

"You want to hear it too?"

He's not a child anymore, however, Kuroneki smiles tenderly, nodding. She smiles too.

"Okay."

 **—o—**

They all curl up on the floor with their backs against the couch to read the picture book. Even Shironeki, who was hiding in his dark room, joins them after hearing Touka's voice sweetly reading out loud a book that he already knows, however, it doesn't stop him from sitting by her side and shamelessly rest his head on her shoulder, staring at the book with sad eyes. It had always been this way between them. For Touka, Haise's brothers weren't just Haise's brothers, they were also part of her family, part of her heart. They would often go out together some weekends by Haise's suggestion, insisting that maybe the kids — as he usually called them — needed to get out of that house and breathe some fresh air, have fun, spend some time away from their mother who was mentally unstable almost every single day. And Touka never took it as a nuisance, she was more than happy to take care of them, and be there for them when they needed her.

They were all her kids too.

After half an hour, Haise abandons his mother's room with a tired sigh. His heart grows warm at the sight of Touka reading the book to his baby brothers, reciting the words between whispers, like a powerful secret. He smiles sadly, thinking of how different his life would be without her, how hard all of this would be without Touka's help, without her support. He knew she would become an amazing mother after getting married.

Touka gives the book to Kuroneki when she realizes that Haise is there, staring at them. She joins them, squeezing his arms.

"Is she okay?"

Haise sighs, taking her hand.

"She fell asleep. I called my aunt, she's coming over to stay for the day and look after her. You should go home, bunny, I'm sorry for all this."

Touka shakes her head, pushing his hair backward.

"It's okay. We all know how this is."

"I'll get going once my aunt is here."

Touka nods, closing her eyes when Haise leans to kiss her on the lips. When they break apart and Touka makes an attempt to grab her purse, Haise looks around, frowning slightly.

"Where's Kaneki?"

Touka grimaces.

"He left."

Haise sighs, looking defeated.

"I-I should call him… but he never answers his phone, especially if it's me," he complains, and after thinking about it for a second, he looks at her. "Do you think you can call him for me? He will probably answer if he doesn't know who's calling."

No, no, no, no. Fuck. Why? Why her?

Touka swallows her anger, this is not a moment to make a scene, especially after what happened.

"Y-Yeah but, I don't have his number."

Haise plucks out his phone from his pocket and asks for Touka's phone. She gives it to him, and he quickly adds Kaneki's number to her contact list.

"Done," he says.

Yeah.

Done.

 **—o—**

It takes several hours for her to have the courage to call Kaneki once she gets home. She lays on her bed, staring at the number and wondering if she should lie to Haise. Again. She could lie, and say that she did call him, and that he didn't answer. Or that he did answer, and that everything was fine. But she didn't want to add more regrets to the list, so she takes a deep sigh and closes her eyes, calling him and leading the phone to her ear.

One, two, three.

Breathe, okay. Just act casual. Be cool.

Four, five, six.

Come on.

Seven, eight, nine —

"Hello?"

Touka gasps, clearly surprised that he finally answered. For a moment, she thought he wouldn't. She cringes from the awkward tone of her voice as she speaks. This is the first time she's ever talked to him on the phone. The first time in years of knowing each other, years of so many memories that Touka doesn't have any more space inside of her to keep. Yet, this is the first time both speak on the phone. Awkward, isn't it?

"H-Hey," she says clumsily, frowning. "Uh, it's me."

There's a pause.

"'It's me' who?" She swallows hard, but also frowns at the annoyed tone he implements while speaking. He clearly doesn't like to get phone calls, does he? His voice sounds hoarse and raspy, was he sleeping?

She sighs, clearly annoyed too.

"Me, asshole. Touka."

Another pause.

She hears him swallow, although she's not entirely sure.

A sigh.

"What do you want."

Touka rubs her eyes, repressing a yawn.

"Haise told me to call you. He wants to know if you're okay."

He gasps.

"Tell him to piss off. I don't need him to babysit me."

What the fuck?

Touka's eyes flicker in surprise, mouth wide open. She looks around, unsure of what to say next. Why does he have to be such an ungrateful little shit all the time? Kaneki notices her lack of words, so he sighs again, losing his patience.

"Anything else? You're boring me."

B-Boring…? You little —

"Yeah!" she yells, angry as hell as she sits up on the mattress, heart increasing its speed. "F-Fuck you!"

His sick laughter is the last thing she hears before he hangs out, leaving her there with her heart stuck in her throat. Touka keeps her eyes fixed on the screen, feeling tempted to call him again and scream a quite number of things but she holds back, taking deep breaths. She goes to her contact list, reading his name there.

Kaneki.

Biting her lower lip in annoyance, her fingers travel to the name and do their mischievous magic.

Are you sure you want to change contact name to "Bakaneki"?

Her fingers touch the screen with a fervent passion.

Accept.

 **—o—**

Touka never thought her lips would ever caress the mouth of another man that wasn't her future husband. That they would breathe another name, another scent, another smell. Of all the things she feared in life, this one was the last of her concerns.

However, it did happen.

What was the saying, though? Life is full of surprises, wasn't it? How miserable, vague and pathetic would it be to say that Touka didn't feel surprised? That when her lips searched for his, she didn't feel surprised at all.

She felt relief.

The CCG meetings could always be a fun thing if you were lucky enough. As Haise's girlfriend, as Haise's fiancée, as his future wife, it was a responsibility for her to join him every time the CCG would make an important reunion with delicious food, nice drinks and funny anecdotes among the detectives. Haise had been promoted that day, and although he insisted that she didn't have to come if she didn't want to, Touka kept her pride in the highest place, persisting in her idea of being by his side on such an important day. Besides, almost all the detectives from the CCG were regular customers in her shop, :re, so she knew every single member of that building. They were Haise's friends, therefore her friends too.

She hugged Saiko, annoyed the hell out of Urie and ate candies with Juuzou. They answered trivial questions about their future marriage, about a future life together, about having kids, about all the things Touka wanted to do with her life. Each question felt heavier and heavier upon her shoulders, until someone offered her a glass of champagne, and then another, and another, and soon she lost count of them and her feet walked aimlessly through the building, losing sight of Haise and everyone around.

Not everyone, though.

Once she got rid of her stupid high heels and found a safe spot on the floor near a window, wrapped by the loneliness of a dark and cold aisle, the smoke of Kaneki's cigarette made her remember that she wasn't completely alone.

Touka's drunkenness wasn't that serious to ignore the notion that Kaneki also worked in the CCG, always competing with his older brother to reach the highest rank. Until this day, Kaneki was still holding the title of Associate Special Class while his brother still felt trapped in a First Class rank. Haise never expressed his true feelings about it, but Touka knew how annoyed he felt by that fact. Despite her lack of coherent thoughts and drunkenness, she also knew that Kaneki wasn't prone to assist to these kinds of meetings, and he would only agree to come by Arima's request — the only person whom Kaneki seemed to truly respect.

She didn't ask him, though. When he mocked her for being drunk that night and sat by her side on the floor, she never asked what he was doing there, why did he come to the reunion, where he was all this time that she didn't see him.

And the only thing she did ask had nothing to do with the present. It was all about the past.

The past.

"Do you remember…" she started with lazy words, closing her eyes for a moment and trying to get her ideas straight.

Kaneki tilted his face to one side to look at her. She swallowed hard, and Kaneki's traveled towards her throat, they lingered there, on her neck, on the sweat that was slowly dripping, leaving a shiny path on her skin.

"When we were in school," she explained with a breathless voice, and his gaze pulled back up to her eyes. He stared at the curve of her long lashes, poorly covered in mascara, the shadow spreading through her cheeks. "And shitty Furuta did that thing to me."

He frowned under the moonlight, clearly remembering, but not quite understanding why did she bring that up. Touka questioned if the person beside her was truly him, the Kaneki she once knew, but the image was warm and fuzzy and real before her eyes, eyes that fall on his features: dark eyes, dark hair, everything was so dark about him. Yet, all that she could see in her memories was light.

"When he did that to me," she continued, blinking at his silence. "And you found out about it. You beat the shit out of him, you were so angry. I don't think I've never seen someone that angry in my life."

He shivers, staring at the way her hair covers her eyes, her forehead. Kaneki couldn't find the strength to even apologize for the way he was looking at her, completely forgetting that the woman in front of him was already taken by no one else than his own brother. His brother. And there's so much that he could tell her about that day, the one Touka is talking about. So much that he could tell her. Yet the words stay locked up on his tongue, swallowing every memory of it, every single feeling about it. He shouldn't be here, around her. She shouldn't be around him. They shouldn't even be here, yet they are. They are.

Kaneki maintained a safe distance as he spoke, eyes wanting to look down but still lingering on her features. Looking at Touka didn't use to be such a big deal in the past, but now... _now_ , it was different. Or maybe it wasn't that different at all. Maybe, it still takes the same willpower, the same self-control, the same supernatural strength that he needed to find within him to hold back, _hold back_ , and not fuck things up. Whatever he wanted, he would get it, but this was entirely different.

"Why are you remembering that?" he asks in a whisper, frowning. "Why now?"

Indeed, why.

Touka's eyes look sad as they flicker towards his hair, his nose, his parted lips.

"I don't know," she whispered, reaching out her hand to touch his mouth. "I just… did."

Touka didn't even know what she was doing when she leaned closer, and felt Kaneki's presence leaning closer too, and then their lips smashed together in a small gasp that it dissolved into her mouth as soon as he responded, opening his lips and taking hers in between. It felt like being kissed by shadows, being conquered by death, being burned by a fire she's never felt before. Their frigid lips were meshing and fusing together, the wet sounds of his tongue inside of her moving perfectly in sync. Her hand touched his chin, tilting her face to one side to deepen the kiss, and the sounds of their mouths were the only noise inside that lonely aisle. The sound of her gasps, too, when Kaneki's hand traveled through her leg and up to meet her waist underneath the jacket she was wearing. She could perfectly remember the way that her hands traveled towards his jacket, trying to unbutton it, and how Kaneki stopped the kiss for a moment to help her do it. They stared at each other's mouths, breathing against each other, her pink tongue sliding over his lips, tasting the familiar bitterness of his cigarette.

"K-Kaneki," she gasped against his mouth, his name pulsing in her chest. "Please, I… I need…"

No.

 _No, no, no._

What the hell was she doing?

She pulled away when Kaneki tried to capture her lips again. Both stared at each other for a moment, gasping and longing for more even when they knew they shouldn't. Touka looked at him, wiping out the traces of him from her mouth and her hand flew over his shoulder to find some balance, supporting herself on it to clumsily get up from the ground. She stood there for a moment, realizing what just had happened.

No. No. No.

"Fuck," she whispered, and grabbed her shoes, giving one step, and another, and another, walking away from him.

No. God. No.

She heard his voice calling out her name. Her name.

"Touka-chan, w-wait."

Her body turned around a little, giving him one last glance of deep horror and sorrow.

That was the first time he called her Touka-chan in years. Not _Kirishima-san._

 _Touka._

And there was no consolation.

She was already trapped in the arms of a reaper.


	2. In the Shape of Longing

**«Yes, No, Maybe»**

 **Chapter 2:** In the Shape of Longing.

* * *

 **NOTE** : I do own Sayanara's permission to keep on writing/posting my story despite the similarities between our fics, we both are totally OK with each other and we have discussed our issues in private, as it should be. Thanks.

* * *

 **April 1st, 2001.**

 **—**

Papa had always been a strange man, you see. Mama once told her that the day that she was born, on a rainy morning of July 1, he accidentally almost drop her when he held her for the first time because his hands couldn't stop shaking. She also told her that he passed out during the birth, but Touka hadn't been able to confirm that fact since Papa always managed to meticulously deny everything with a polite smile and a "Hikari, please" that made Touka narrow her eyes and know that he was lying.

He was a terrible liar, too.

He liked to cook, even if he was terrible at it — like that one time when he made Mama a coffee and got the wrong bottle, adding salt instead of sugar — and he also liked to fix things, whenever something was broken in the house — like that chair in where Touka used to swing until the leg started to crack — he was ready to offer his poor and shaky hands so that they wouldn't have to spend money on someone to come over. One day, he caused a blackout while trying to fix something in the backyard. Mama got really mad because of that. If Touka remembered correctly, she made him sleep on the couch for almost a week.

Even today, on their first day of school, he was acting like a weirdo.

And Touka _loved_ it.

"Okay, okay!" he yelled, grabbing the camera and standing in front of Touka and Ayato, both dressed in their school uniforms and carrying their backpacks. "At the count of three, scream rabbit. One, two, three!"

"Rabbit!"

A flash of light splashed against their faces, making Ayato scream like a baby. Touka giggled, staring at the way Papa kneeled on the floor, grabbing the tiny picture from his Polaroid camera and waiting for the image to develop. He was sweating, and his hands were shaking too, blowing at the picture and gasping loudly once the image was slowly revealing itself, showing the cute portrait of Touka smiling brightly and Ayato holding back his tears, terrified to start his first day of kindergarten at the age of three.

"O-Oh my god," he gasped, putting the camera down and covering his mouth while looking at the picture. "I can't believe this is actually happening. Hikari, I'm not ready."

"You better be!" Mama's voice came from the kitchen.

Arata sighed, staring at the picture one last time before crawling towards Touka and Ayato, both standing in front of the main door.

"Okay," he fixed Touka's hair, adjusting her rabbit hairpin. "Touka, baby, let's review what we've discussed, alright? Remember, if someone appears offering you candies and telling you to follow them, what do you have to do?"

Touka gave her father a serious and solemn expression.

"I have to tell them to go fuck themselves."

Arata's face was a poem. He gasped, very loud, and his eyes stared at her for long seconds until he actually understood the words that came out of her mouth. He grabbed his head, shocked and horrified.

"W-Wha — N-No! God, no, Touka! You — you don't — never say those words! Those are evil words, we don't say that!"

Touka's tiny eyebrows wrinkled in the most innocent confusion.

"B-But… Mama told me that I have to tell them to go fuck themse — "

Arata turned around, sighing dramatically.

"Hikari!"

Mama's crazy laughter shook the entire world around them, like the thunderous scream of an earthquake. She had that gift, that power to shake your heart for no reason at all and break every single wall around you, every mask you would try to put on your face to hide your flaws, your fears, your anger. You couldn't lie to Mama. Never. It was impossible. One look, just one look into your eyes, and Mama would know all your secrets. All of them.

She came out of the kitchen with a beaming smile, holding in her hands the lunchbox that she was preparing for Touka.

"Here, give me your backpack," she said, kneeling on the ground too and showing her the inside of the box. There were rabbit shaped carrots on top of the rice. Touka smiled brightly at the detail, and Hikari smiled back. She closed the box, hiding it inside her backpack.

"Why don't I have one?" Ayato asked, lips pursed and holding back his tears.

"Because," Hikari explained, closing Touka's backpack. "You'll start kindergarten, and it'll be just a few hours while Touka will stay in school past midday and she has to eat there."

Arata sighed, shaking his head and looking both annoyed and worried.

"J-Just let's go back to the plan!" he complained. He took Touka's tiny shoulders, trying to make her focus on his words. "Listen, Touka. If a stranger wants to take you somewhere else, you have to run, okay? Run as fast as you can until you find a woman with children. And please, please, don't lose your brother! Grab his hand all the time, and don't let him go! Make sure he's always beside you, and remember to look at both sides of the street before crossing, and don't c — "

Hikari rolled her eyes, gently slapping his shoulder.

"God, Arata, calm down. You're going to scare her, they'll be fine. The school is just a few blocks away."

"B-But it's their first time going on a trip alone! What if they get lost, or what if — "

"They won't be completely alone. Touka, you told me Haise and Kaneki are coming with you, right?"

Touka nodded, smiling.

"And I have my hair pin for good luck, Papa," she said, smiling at her dad as her fingers touched the rabbit on her hair. "It will protect us."

Arata stared at her for a moment, trying to hold his dramatic tears and after releasing a tired sigh, he leaned down and held his children firmly against his chest, his last goodbye. Papa could be really dramatic sometimes.

"Please take care. Ayato, listen to your sister, okay? Do what she says, and don't pat any animal around, you don't know if it's dangerous or — "

"Arata," for the tone of her voice, Touka knew this was Mama's last warning.

"Okay, okay! I'm done. You're free to go now." Arata set them free, getting up from the ground and holding his chest with both hands, right where his heart was.

However, Ayato seemed to be as sensitive as his father.

"I-I d-don't want t-to g-go," he sobbed, hiding his face in his arm.

"It's going to be fun, Ayato!" Hikari encouraged, smiling brightly and brushing Ayato's hair. "It will only be three hours and I'll be there to pick you up, I'll buy you some ice cream on the way home, okay?"

Ayato nodded, but continued with the sobbing.

"Okay, let's go! It's getting late," Hikari fixed Ayato's shirt, adjusted Touka's blue skirt and opened the door so the three could walk out of the house.

Touka looked at the sky, smelling the sweet fragrance of the flowers that Mama had at the entrance and adjusted her backpack with a little jump. Every first day could be frightening, but Touka was more than ready to have her first trip alone, and Mama seemed to be as excited as she was. She felt her arms pull her towards her body, hugging her strongly as her lips scattered kisses on her neck, prompting childish giggles out of her.

"I love you," she said, and then pulled away, cupping her face in her warm hands and looking at her straight in the eyes. She held her cheeks for long seconds, stared at her with graceful eyes. Spoke to her in hushed whispers, solely for her. "Have a great first day of school, sweetie. Make lots of friends."

Touka smiled, nodding in between Mama's hands.

"I promise."

Mama let her go, blurting out a heavy sigh and moving closer to Arata, resting her cheek on his shoulder and staring at the way Touka grabbed Ayato's hand, pulling him out towards the street and turned around one last time to say goodbye. Touka smiled brightly, euphorically waving her hand at her parents while Ayato's lips sobbed Hikari's name, until both resumed their path and their silhouettes got lost in the distance.

"They grow fast, don't they?" Hikari whispered, a wave of sadness pulsing in her being.

Arata sighed, nodding softly.

"They do."

 **—o—**

Ayato stopped sobbing once they arrived at Haise's house.

It was only a few blocks away and the farthest place from home she'd ever been before without Mama or Papa. It was a pretty house, with green roofs and a black fence, but looks sometimes could be very deceiving. Touka held Ayato's hand firmly to help him climb the two first steps of the entrance, one by one, until they arrived at the door and Touka knocked three times.

She could already hear the strong voice of Mrs. Rieko screaming something at Kaneki from the other side. Now, why Kaneki? Touka didn't even bother to find an answer to that, for there was no answer at all. Somehow, it was always Kaneki. The door cracked open and a tired Haise showed up with huge bags under his eyes, and Touka gigged at the sight. Did his mom wake him up too early? Mama never used to wake her up that early even with Papa's complaints, she would always let her sleep five minutes more and go to bed a little too late — she also allowed her to eat cake at lunch sometimes, but that had to be when Papa was working, otherwise he would start lying about that ugly worm that lived in her tummy for eating too many sweets — but deep inside she felt that this wasn't the case. Haise looked very, very tired.

"Hi!" she greeted, smiling brightly. "Are you ready?"

He nodded, sighing and opening the door a little more.

"Yeah, just wait a minute."

He turned around, getting lost inside his house as Rieko's voice increased its volume. She wasn't screaming that loudly, but it was loud enough for Ayato to squeeze Touka's hand more firmly, walking backward to hide behind her back, peering over her shoulder.

"A-Aneki," he muttered in a low tone.

Touka grimaced, squeezing back.

"It's okay," she reassured, narrowing her eyes a little to get a better view of the house.

Haise's younger brothers, Kuroneki and Shironeki, were both crying on the floor, fighting over the same toy. Rieko walked towards them, very angry, and ripped the toy from their hands to throw it away somewhere. For a moment Touka thought that Rieko was crying too.

"Stop, stop crying!" she yelled, grabbing her face in frustration. "Haise, please, do something!"

She saw him coming to his brothers to gather a bunch of toys from the ground and place them on their laps, stopping their cries and calming them down a little. In the meantime, Kaneki was nowhere to be seen.

"I called the aunt, she's coming over to help you," Haise explained in a soft voice.

"I told you to call your stupid father, not my sister," Rieko complained.

"He didn't answer. Mom, please, sit down until she comes, we have to go to school."

"I know, I'm sorry. God, I'm so sorry, Haise."

"Mom…"

"I didn't even prepare your lunch, I'm so sorry…"

"It's okay, I woke up early and did it."

"You did?"

"Yes, mom."

"God, you're such a good boy. You're so good, I'm sorry."

This was Touka's first day of school, but she was aware that this wasn't Haise and Kaneki's first day. They were older than her. Kaneki had started school last year, and Haise had nine, which meant he had been in school for a while now. But Touka couldn't help wondering, was it always this way? Did he have to prepare his own lunch box every single morning? Touka didn't have to prepare her own, Mama did it for her, Touka didn't even know how to make rice! How could Haise do all those things by himself? Wasn't he scared? That's why he looked so tired? Because he had to wake up even earlier than her to prepare his lunch, his backpack, and feed his younger brothers?

Touka didn't notice Haise's mom realizing that she was there at the entrance, standing quiet and holding Ayato's hand firmly. She smiled sadly but softly, waving her hand in her direction.

"Hello, sweetie. Sorry, I didn't know you were there."

Touka smiled awkwardly in response.

"Hi," she simply said.

"Okay, we're leaving, Mom," Haise announced, putting on his backpack and heading towards the door. Touka backed down a little. "Kaneki, come on!"

Rieko nodded, sighing tiredly.

"Yes, have a nice day. I… I'll make your lunch tomorrow, I promise."

"It's okay, Mom."

Touka blinked at the sound of a door being shouted down firmly, and her little heart squeezed tightly, anticipating the arrival of Haise's younger brother. Even before he started to walk down the stairs with a serious expression, Touka knew that it was him. You see, Kaneki was a strange child. He could be extremely noiseless, speak with a voice that only a few were able to understand, walk around the world with a shadow on his back that would hide him from the gods themselves, he was an expert when it came to going unnoticed, but he was also full of hidden peculiarities, details that only could be spotted if you were smart enough to see. For example: shouting doors too loudly. Kaneki wasn't gentle about it, he would slam every damn door with no shame at all as if he was trying to make himself heard; show the world that he existed, that he was there. _I'm here, I exist, look at me._

He would also kick chairs when he was angry, and chew gum way too loudly. He was tough while playing games and liked to cheat a lot, but Touka was always able to tell when he was being dishonest. At the age of six, Touka seemed to know a lot about him.

Kaneki crossed the living room without looking at his mother, without saying goodbye to his brothers. Before Rieko could even part her lips to say something, anything at all, Kaneki had already slammed the door shut, forcing Ayato to give a little jump behind her, scared at the harsh sound.

For an instant, Kaneki's eyes met hers.

But then he pulled his gaze away, adjusting the backpack on his shoulders and starting to walk away from them, ready to take the pathway to school. With a heavy sigh and an annoyed expression in Haise's face at the way Kaneki had slammed the door, he started to follow suit, and Touka knew she had to do the same.

"Aneki," Ayato whispered as they started walking down the streets. "Why was she screaming?"

Touka gave him an alarmed look.

"Shh!" then, she let him go, rapidly walking towards Kaneki until both were walking side by side.

Ayato screamed, scared.

"Dad told you to not let me go!"

Touka ignored him. She stared at Kaneki, looking bored and silent, not even trying to start a conversation. She tried to grab his arm, enclosing her fingers on his wrist.

"Are you — "

"A-Ah!" Kaneki moaned, pulling his arm away and grabbing his wrist with a weird expression on his face. Touka frowned, confused, drawing her eyes to his wrist.

Under the white sleeve of his uniform, she saw purple on his skin. Were those… bruises? Like the ones she would get at the park by trying to climb that huge tree that Papa always told her to stay away from?

"What happened to y — "

"Nothing," he quickly replied, covering the purple spot with his sleeve and hiding his hands in his pockets.

Who… did that to him? Did he also get that bruise by playing roughly? It wouldn't be the first time. Touka had many bruises because of him. He wasn't gentle when playing with her, and couldn't care less if she was a girl — if he had to push her in order to win the game, he would do it. It didn't matter, anyway, since Touka used to do the same with him. Papa had to always remind her to be gentle while playing with Ayato, and it wasn't an easy thing to accomplish. Haise, on the other hand, always treated her like a lady. Offering his hand to her to help her come down the stairs or open the door for her. He was what her mother used to call, a _gentlemen_ _._

Touka sighed.

"Will you sit with me at lunch?" she asked Kaneki, hoping that he would say yes. She had no friends, and to be honest, she was a little scared of sitting completely by herself.

He gave her a weird look. Her suggestion seemed to horrify him.

"No. I'm sitting with Hide."

"So what? I'll sit with you two."

Kaneki frowned with anger.

"Don't! Go sit somewhere else, you're always trying to steal Hide away, he's my friend."

"He's my friend too!"

"He was my friend first. Find someone else."

Touka groaned, rolling her eyes in annoyance as she turned around to where Haise was, walking a few steps back alongside Ayato. She waited for him to come closer, looking up at him. He was very tall, and due to the fluffy texture of his hair, his head seemed to be way bigger than the rest of his body.

"Haise," she complained. "Can I sit with you at lunch?"

He nodded, delivering a sweet smile.

"Sure."

Kaneki turned around to give her an irritated gaze.

Touka stuck out her tongue at him in response.

 **—o—**

The first friend she made was named Yoriko.

It was also her first day of school, and she had been extremely shy to even approach to other kids until Touka felt bad for her and sat by her side just when she was opening her lunch box. Touka didn't want to be rude, but the real reason for why she sat by her side was because she saw a piece of chocolate cake in the box. Touka asked her about it, Yoriko told her that her mom made it, she offered her a bite, and after exchanging meals and showing her the bunny-shaped carrots from her own box, it only took a smile and a _do you want to be my friend?_ from Yoriko so both could become inseparable.

They spent the rest of the day in school together until it was time to leave and Yoriko promised her to bring extra cake tomorrow, telling her that her mom would be very happy to know that Touka liked it. They said goodbye when Yoriko's dad came to pick her up on his bike and Touka left school with Haise, Kaneki and Hide. They chatted about the first day, laughed when Hide told them about the joke he made to the professor and talked about how pretty Rize was, a girl that the three of them seemed to worship while Yoriko, her new best friend, seemed to have a very different opinion about her. She told Touka that Rize made fun of her that morning in the ladies room and Touka knew, since that first day, that she wouldn't like Rize at all. Ever.

They said goodbye to Hide when he left way to his house and after walking a few more blocks and crossing the bridge, Haise and Kaneki said goodbye to Touka and she walked her pathway to her house by giving little jumps, like a bunny. However, she started to run when her house appeared in the distance, Papa watering the plants at the entrance and sporting a sun hat. Touka smiled, running faster, desperate to arrive and tell him everything about her day.

"Papa!" she shouted. "Papa, I'm home!"

Arata looked around, gasping at the sound of his daughter crying out his name. His heart almost stopped, freezing inside his chest, and all the worries and fears he'd been carrying throughout the day vanished away when he spotted his little girl running towards him, smiling brightly with her huge backpack waving behind her back. He smiled back, holding back his tears of a proud father. Papa turned off the hose, throwing his hat to the ground and bent down to his knees to welcome her with open arms.

"Baby!" then, Touka's body collided against his chest and Arata took her in a firm embrace, laughing and lifting her up from the ground. He kissed her cheeks, making her giggle and caressing her hair. "God, I was so worried. Are you okay? How was your first day?"

Touka smiled, enclosing her arms around Papa's neck.

"I made a friend!"

"You did?" Arata exclaimed with excitement.

"Yes! Her name is Yoriko, she brought chocolate cake and told me she'll bring more tomorrow! For lunch!"

Arata laughed, kissing her forehead.

"Come on, let's get inside so you can tell me all about it."

And she did.

Talking with Papa was easy, so easy. He would always listen, never interrupting, and if sometimes you were feeling sad, he wouldn't say anything at all. Papa would just hold you against his chest, real tight, letting you feel his heartbeat. He wouldn't care if you dumped his shirt with your tears, or if he had to stay in that position for long hours. Papa would never stop holding you; like that one time when Ayato broke her favorite bunny plush and Touka locked herself up in the bathroom, not wanting to go out. After knocking the door three times, she let Papa in, and cried. He held her in his arms, stood there inside the bathroom for almost an hour and wiped every single tear.

That's how amazing Papa was.

And he stood silent for a long time, listening to her. They curled up on the couch, he told her that they had to stay quiet since Mama was taking a nap with Ayato. Touka shared her day with him between whispers, the light of the lamp in the living room making his eyes look even softer. She told him about Yoriko, about this girl named Rize, about how much she loved Yoriko's cake, about how exciting it had been to go to school on her own. Touka told him everything.

And she also told him about Kaneki's mom.

"I'm sorry that you had to see that, sweetie," he whispered, twirling his fingers in her hair.

Touka's dark eyebrows came together.

"But," she complained, moving around on the couch to get a better view of Papa's face. "I don't understand. Why was she screaming like that? Mama never screams."

Arata sighed, trying to find the proper words.

"You see, honey, Mrs. Rieko is sick. Sometimes she can't realize that she's screaming that way."

Sick?

"Does she have the flu?"

Papa smiled kindly at her innocence, shaking his head and taking Touka's hand, playing with her fingers.

"Not that kind of sick. It's more complicated. It… affects her emotions, sometimes she's very sad, and can't do anything about it."

Touka stood quietly for a while, trying to understand Papa's words.

"Is that why Kaneki's wrist was purple? Because his mom was sad?"

A hint of sadness crossed Arata's eyes. Slowly, Touka raised a hand to his cheek, holding his face and sighing at the way Papa grabbed her hand, held it there, and sweetly pressed a kiss on her fingers.

"Yes, probably," he just said.

Touka bowed her gaze, lamenting.

"I… I wish I could do something to help him. He looked very sad, and I think his wrist ached a lot. And Haise's eyes looked so tired today that he looked like a panda. B-But I don't know what to do."

Arata sighed, stroking her hair.

"Just be their friend, baby. Be there for them if they need you. You know when you are sad, and I'm always here for you?" Arata asked, and Touka nodded, unable to forget Papa's kindness during those dark times. "Then you should do the same for them. If they need someone to talk to, let them know that you will help them. Draw something for Kaneki, I'm sure that it will make him feel better."

A… drawing?

Touka thought about it for a second, and then her eyes brightened with a silly idea.

"Papa, can I go to Kaneki's house?"

He grimaced, unsure.

"T-Touka…"

She sat on the couch, wrinkling her face with a plea and tugging at his arm.

"Please! Just for a little. I'll come back before it gets dark, just to give him the drawing. Please! I promise I won't stay long!"

Arata stared at her for a moment, sighing. Despite his responsibility as a father, he was unable to deny something to her. Not when she pleaded like that, frowning and biting her lip and looking at him with those huge eyes that were his damnation.

He nodded.

"Okay," Touka smiled brightly, ready to say something else, but Arata hushed her with a serious look. "But be here before the sun sets, okay? Otherwise, I will go and pick you up."

"Okay, Papa."

 **—o—**

Touka knocked on the door three times.

 _Knock. Knock. Knock._

She waited, holding her drawing firmly against her chest, turning around slightly to stare at the sun finding refuge behind a tree, the light raining upon her face through the small branches and making her blink repeatedly. She smiled.

The door cracked open and Touka turned around, unsure of what to expect.

To her surprise, Mrs. Rieko was the one who opened the door, and she looked way much better than how she did this morning. Her eyes didn't look tired, and she was carrying Kuroneki in her arms, the little baby fisting a lock of her hair and carrying it to his mouth. Mrs. Rieko smiled down at Touka with sweet eyes, just as sweet as the eyes of her own Papa.

"Oh, Hi, Touka-chan," she greeted.

Touka smiled back.

"Hi Mrs. Rieko. Hi Kuroneki," she leaned to hold Kuroneki's hand, and Rieko blurted out a giggle when the baby grabbed her finger, squeezing it tightly. Touka looked up at her. "Is Kaneki home? I drew something for him."

Rieko's brows arched slightly, almost surprised by her confession.

"Oh, that's very sweet of you, Touka-chan. I'm sure he will like it. He's in his room, come in."

Rieko moved to one side to let her in, and Touka took off her shoes at the entrance. After saying goodbye one last time, Touka ran upstairs way to Kaneki's room that was at the end of the hallway. Without a word, Touka opened the door to his room and shut it down firmly behind her, just like Kaneki always used to do. She hadn't been here more than two times, since Papa didn't really like the idea of Touka spending too much time in Rieko's house, witnessing things that she shouldn't see. They would often reunite in Touka's house, or at the park, or any other public place that they could find. However, Kaneki's room looked exactly like she remembered.

A huge mess of toys scattered all around the floor, dirty clothes piled up on a chair, mountains of books blocking the way and making it almost impossible for you to walk freely. Some old posters of horror movies decorating the walls and a dissected centipede hanging on a frame, along with another bunch of weird insects that were fascinating to watch.

Kaneki was lying on his bed, reading a book, but stopped for a moment to drive his eyes away from his reading and set them on the intrusive. He gave her a weird glance as she started to walk towards the bed.

"Touka?" he said, frowning in confusion. "What are you doing here?"

Touka climbed up the bed with a little jump and lied down beside him, delivering him the piece of paper she'd been holding against her chest the entire time.

"I drew something for you."

His face was a poem. He took the paper, doubtful, and Touka snatched the book that he was reading out of his hands, giving it a look.

"What are you reading?"

"U-Uh, Peter Pan."

"Oh!" she exclaimed, smiling. "I like this book. We should play Peter Pan someday. You could be Peter, and I could be Wendy."

Kaneki frowned, confused, as he started to open her drawing.

"But who would be Tinkerbell?"

"Haise," she replied, and heard his giggle into the air, amused. "And Kuroneki and Shiro can be The Lost Boys."

Kaneki didn't answer anything, and Touka realized that he was looking at her drawing. She closed the book and turned her head to peer at him, air slipping in between them as his eyes dwelled in the picture on the paper. He was frowning.

She blinked, studying him. His lips were closed, and his brows were slowly arching, a hint of confusion spreading through his features.

"I — I don't understand. What is this?" he asked.

Touka sighed, rolling her eyes. She leaned closer, pointing out at the drawing with her middle finger.

"This is you, riding a bike, and this is me, with a rabbit on my feet. And this is a sheep, behind you, your favorite animal. And this is the sun and a tree. The sun is green because I ran out of yellow, sorry."

Kaneki frowned even more, then looked at her, staring at her face as if she was crazy.

"Sheeps aren't my favorite animals, stupid," he complained. "My favorite animals are goats."

Touka groaned, burying her face in the pillow.

"Whatever, idiot! It's the same thing. Just… don't treat it like trash, and keep it safe. It was hard to make."

"Yeah, whatever," he replied, placing the drawing on top of his nightstand. "But, why did you drew that for me?"

She sighed, getting herself comfortable on the bed.

"So you would feel better. Does your wrist still hurt?"

Kaneki looked down at the mention of his wrist.

"N-No… it's fine."

 _If they need someone to talk to, let them know that you will help them._

Papa's words still reverberated inside her chest. Touka frowned softly, still unable to understand the reality of it all, the cruel world of adulthood.

"Your Mama did that to you?" she asked, unsure if he would give her an answer.

She blinked at him, waiting, and waiting, staring at the way his fingers would slightly touch his wrist, as if tracing the lines of a map that tell a horrible story, a story that made him sad, not like Peter Pan. How wonderful would it be to travel to Neverland, and never grow up, never have to carry the burden of adults upon you? Touka wondered if that was the reason he was reading Peter Pan.

"Kaneki…"

"I hate her," he breathed, staring down at his hands.

Touka's heart ached, gave a little squeeze, one that wasn't nice like the ones she would feel every time she'd see him. It hurt. She didn't understand it, she was probably way too young to understand any of this, but she felt it. Right in her heart, stabbing her feelings, making her swallow and bit her lower lip in frustration.

"K-Kaneki — "

"I hate her," he repeated, frowning deeply. "She keeps promising me things. She told me that she would get better but she never did. I hid all her bottles under my bed so she wouldn't drink anymore, and I threw all her pills into the toilet… but she found out, and she got very angry."

Oh.

"B-But… " she started off, confused. "What about your Papa? You didn't tell him?"

Kaneki snorted, his eyes were getting redder.

"They're not together anymore, and he doesn't care."

How… how could a father not care about that? Touka was unable to understand. Papa would get mad a Mama sometimes if she was too harsh on her, if she would get moody and say things she shouldn't say. Papa would never let anybody hurt her. How could Kaneki's father not care at all about this?

"But… and Haise? He's always taking care of you and your brothers," she insisted, trying to find a solution.

A hint of pain washed over the small boy. That small, poor lonely boy. So fragile, so tiny, way shorter than Haise and way fragile than him. But he was also very strong too, for Touka couldn't understand how he was able to deal with all of this all by himself, with no father to turn to nor mother to understand him; Touka knew she couldn't, if she was in his place… she couldn't be able to do it. To do all the things that Haise had to do, to take care of his brothers and prepare lunch for them. She couldn't do the same for Ayato, she was way too young, and so it was Kaneki. Kid's lifes are filled with moments that spark like fireflies in the night, but they're also filled sorrow, and tragedies, and loneliness. And Kaneki was living one of them.

"He pretends like nothing ever happens," Kaneki whispered, and talking about his brother seemed to affect him more than talking about his own mother. "To avoid problems, he does everything she says. He doesn't want mom to get even with me, so he gives her the pills when she asks for them, and doesn't hide the bottles like I do. He's stupid, everyone here is stupid. I hate him, and I hate my mom, and my father, and my aunt, I hate everyone. I just like Hide."

She knew, deep inside, that he was lying. Still, she didn't try to contradict him. She stood quiet, like her Papa would, and asked a different question.

"Do you hate me too?"

Her inquisitive took him by surprise. Kaneki blinked a couple times, slightly forgetting his hateful speech, and turned around his face to look at her. Touka-chan was staring at him attentively, drawing her eyes to every corner of his face, trying to find the slightest hint of hatred for her, but there was none. There wasn't, and there would never be. No matter how much time could pass, how much both could grow and turn into shitty adults just like Kaneki's mom; no matter how annoying she could be sometimes, always trying to steal Hide away from him. Even if both changed, he could never be able to hate her. Never.

"No," he simply replied, feeling weird. "I… I don't. You and Hide… you're both my friends. Like, special friends, not just… friends."

Touka nodded softly, incredibly relieved that he didn't hold that same feeling against her. With a sigh, Touka leaned a little closer, resting her cheek on his shoulder and reached out her hand to grab his, just like Papa would do when she was sad and wanted to cry.

"It's going to be okay," she said, not really understanding the meaning of those words, if they could actually change something for the better, if it really meant that things would truly, truly be okay. But it was something Papa used to say, and it always made her feel a little better.

Kaneki's body stiffened at the approach. He stood there, quiet as a statue, until Touka felt his hand squeeze hers. Then, she heard him sniff.

She squeezed his hand back.

 **—o—**

Touka decided to return home before it was too late, just as Papa had warned her.

Just when she was about to leave, Rieko told Kaneki to escort her home since the streets were getting darker and colder. He didn't say anything, he just opened the door, and walked out of his house with Touka by his side, both wandering the lonely streets of Tokyo in silence, kicking at empty cans that were scattered all over the floor and challenging each other to see who would throw them further. After a while, when Kaneki realized that Touka was getting tired of walking, he stopped, kneeling on the ground. She stopped too, staring at him with curious eyes.

"What are you doing, dumbass?" she asked.

In the middle of the dark that was slowly rising—Papa was going to get mad at her for returning so late— she swore that Kaneki's lips gave a faint smirk.

"I'll carry you piggyback," he replied, waiting for her to get on his back. "Come on."

"But… I'm heavy."

"I'm strong. Come on! It'll be faster."

After thinking about it for a second, Touka gave in. She climbed onto his back, enclosing her tiny arms around his neck and struggling to find some balance, but Kaneki was right, he was very strong. He started to run, and during the short period of time that was left until they arrived at her house, the world was filled with their laughter. Kaneki wasn't a kid prone to laugh, not as much as Haise, who always had a smile on his face for every single occasion. It was hard to make Kaneki laugh, but that night… that night, he did.

He did, and Touka smiled at his neck, content with herself. The spicy fragrance of his shampoo caressing her face, a mix of green apples and eucalyptus. The sound of his giggles crashing into her being, the sunset dying the sky in a dark orange, everything about that day felt more than special. More than unique.

 _Papa will be proud of me,_ Touka thought. She turned Kaneki's sorrow into pure bliss, even for one night.

When they finally arrived at the entrance, Touka saw Mama's standing near the window, and smiling at them with an energetic wave of her hand. Both returned the gesture, and stood face to face to say goodbye.

"Are you feeling better now?" she asked.

He gave a quick nod.

"Yeah. I'm fine."

"Okay," she replied, and then, a silence. They stared at each other for a second.

"Are you coming to school tomorrow?" Kaneki asked.

Touka nodded.

"Yup. Can I sit with you guys at lunch?"

He groaned.

"Touka-chan…"

"Don't be an asshole!" she cursed, turning her hands into fists and frowning deeply, desperately wanting to be part of the boys. "I want to sit with you and Hide! And I have a new friend, her name is Yoriko, we can all sit together."

Kaneki sighed, annoyed.

"Fine, whatever."

"Okay."

"Alright," the boy said, lingering. There was a strange feeling within him, something pulling him down to stay there, and never leave.

"Well, see you tomorrow," she added, walking towards her house to open the door and give him one last glance. One last smile. "Goodbye, four-eyes."

Kaneki stuck out his middle finger at her.

They say goodbye after an awkward pause. Kaneki going back home, Touka getting lost inside her house. The warmth of their bodies lingers in between, spreading seeds as they part ways. They sink in the ground, being planted and slowly growing as they get ready to bloom.

 **—o—**

Kaneki had gone to sleep very late that night, since something inside of him—a strange mix between weird butterflies in his tummy and his fervent desire to keep reading Peter Pan—kept him awake for long hours until his eyes had finally betrayed him, carrying his poor broken soul into the magic lands of Neverland. He was flying over the moon, caressing the stars with his fingertips, until a tender kiss on his cheek forced him to awake from his childish dreams.

It felt soft as a feather, warm as the sun of a summer morning. His eyelids slid open, blinking in confusion, and the sight of his mother staring down at him left him breathless.

"Sorry," she whispered. "Did I woke you?"

"M-Mom?" It took him a while to realize that the woman sitting on his bed in front of him was his mother. He wasn't dreaming, right? He had dreamed with his mother many times. Good dreams, bad dreams, but this time… it really was her. She must've got into his room after he fell asleep. "W-What… what happened?"

Rieko pushed his hair back softly, and dragged her hand from his shoulder to his little arm that was resting on his tummy. Her fingers stopped at his wrist, she was staring at his hands.

"Nothing," she simply replied, closing her eyes for a moment. Her fingers lingered in that place, his wrist. "I… I just wanted to see you."

Kaneki waited, still. Was she drunk? No, he could tell that she wasn't. She didn't stink, and her words wouldn't get stuck at the back of her tongue. She was sober, she was fine, and she was being nice to him.

"Mom…"

Rieko looked like she wanted to tear up.

"I…" she started, enclosing her fingers around his wrist, caressing it softly. "I've just been feeling awful after what happened last time. I shouldn't have done that, I shouldn't have reacted that way. It wasn't your fault. I want you to know that, Kaneki."

Kaneki's eyes stared at his mom's hands caressing his wrist, his arm, the skin of his hand. When was the last time she did something like that? He was silent for a bit, until he heard his mom's sniff, and her hand traveled to her face in the middle of the darkness. Was she crying?

"You told me that you would stop drinking," he said in a whisper, unable to hold himself back.

Rieko nodded after a pause. "I know."

"But you didn't. You promised me, and you betrayed me."

"I know."

"You always say that you will get better but you never do. I…" Kaneki stopped, feeling his lungs ache with every single breath, swallowing a pain that was slowly growing bigger in his eyes. "I thought that if I threw away your meds you'd forget about them, and that you wouldn't need them anymore…"

She took his hand, holding back her tears.

"That's not... y-you just can't—"

"But why?" He insisted. "I can help you, I know I can. You could eat fruits instead, or more rice, or drink lots of water like Hide's mom did when she was trying to quit smoking."

Rieko smiled at his innocence, but the happiness didn't reach her eyes.

"She did that?"

"Yes," he insisted. "And it worked, I promise. Maybe you need to try too."

Kaneki studied his mother's expression, lifting up a hand to place it on her arm, doubtful.

She sighed, sniffing again.

"I just want you to be happy. You know that, don't you?" she placed a hand on his chest. "In here. All the bad things I do… they happen because my heart doesn't feel happy. My heart feels sad sometimes, but I don't want your heart to feel sad. I know that I don't help with that, but I promise you that I will. I'll get better, Kaneki. I'll try my best, and things will be alright again. I'll drink a lot of water, like Hide's mom. And I'll prepare your lunch every day so Haise won't have to wake up so early anymore. I promise you. Just wait for me. Give me some time, and Mom will get better again."

Kaneki's eyes filled with tiny tears that he tried to hold back to not make his mom unhappy, to not make her heart cry again. He had to be strong, just like Haise. That was the only way for his mother to get better again.

"Do you promise me?"

Rieko blurted out a tiny sob, smiling at the same time. She reached out to him, pulling him closer until his ear was resting against her chest, feeling the beat of her heart, the sweet smell of her skin.

"I promise you, Kaneki. I really do."

She held him against her chest. He could feel his mother's steady heart pounding in his ear, and he nuzzled his face on her skin, locks of her hair falling upon his face and tickling his nose.

"I love you, mom."

He felt a kiss on her forehead.

"I love you too, my son."

Her arms enclosed him in a firm embrace, and for the very first time in months, Kaneki felt safe. There, in the arms of his own mother, Kaneki was loved.

 _Loved._


	3. Dead Cigarettes on the Floor

**A/N:** Honestly, I was feeling a little worried about making this chapter _this_ long, but the truth is that (apart from having everything planned for this one..) I don't know when I'm going to update the next chapter. I'll be working on a touken baby fanfic that I hope I can post soon and then I have to write Longing for Sex, so I'm afraid we won't have a YNM chapter in a while. The next chapter for this one is going to be very, VERY important since it'll be a flashback during their teenage years, and it will reveal the "high school" incident that they're constantly mentioning & that is super important for their relationship. So I rather leave you guys with a long chapter to compensate the waiting for the next update. As always, any reviews are deeply appreciated 😭 so if you liked it, please let me know 🙏 till next time!

* * *

 **«Yes, No, Maybe»**

 **Chapter 3:** Dead Cigarettes on the Floor.

* * *

The air conditioning stirring the entire room makes her shiver with a faint shrug.

Voices speak loudly around her, colliding like the gallop of a thousand horses in a battlefield. It's a soothing melody, hushing the nasty thoughts inside her head and pushing her towards a blank space that makes her eyes feel heavy and sleepy. She used to fall asleep on family meetings when she was little; when uncle Yomo and his funny friend Uta would come over to visit them on Christmas, or in her mother's birthday, or in any other special day that demanded a family reunion. Their voices mixing with giggles and whispers and the clattering sound of plates and bottles and glasses would make her fall against her father's arms, gently succumbing into a profound slumber.

The truth is that CCG meetings would also make her feel sleepy too.

Touka sighs, blinking a couple times to keep her eyes fresh and open as she tries to catch up with Haise's words, who's standing next to her, re-adjusting his tie and moving his hands all over the place as he eagerly explains to Arima Kishou the exciting plot of a book he's recently read. Touka can't help but smile at his presence, at the stupid way that his words get stuck in his mouth when he speaks too fast, desperate to form the proper sentences and not miss any detail. He opens his eyes real wide, nodding when Arima acknowledges him, adding his point of view with a tender smile, and Haise smiles back, giggling, looking at the small group that is gathered around him to hear his story.

It was one of Haise's poignant qualities, you see, something that made him very compelling to her eyes. Everybody loved him. Arima Kishou, his cold superior. Urie Kuki, his subordinate, who would often look at him with a spark of both envy and respect. Every person around would greet him with a smile, and everyone had a funny anecdote to share about him, about his days in the academy, about his overflowing humility and the way he wouldn't look down on anyone no matter their rank, or their economic situation, or anything that would increase a wall between him and the rest of the world. And just as everybody seemed to offer him an unconditional love, Haise's heart was made of the same feather. He would give a piece of his body to every person until there was no more left of him to survive. He would often love way too much, way too intensely; love people he shouldn't love, give his heart away to those who would hurt him, like his mother. Those who would ignore him, like his brother. He would love you without asking anything in return and, sometimes, his love would frighten her.

She doesn't deserve to be loved like this.

Touka gives one step closer once the cold is gone and her heart is overflowing with affection. As Haise keeps talking, she lazily wraps her arms around his waist, resting her cheek on his shoulder as his voice reverberates through her body. Haise strokes the arm that is wrapped around him, holding it against him as he keeps on speaking, and everyone's faces land on her with a sweet smile, thinking that she must look cute holding her future husband, but Touka is not really looking at them.

As Haise speaks, and Touka doesn't really process what he's saying, she observes her own reflection projected in the tall windows around her, her silhouette illuminated by the lights of the night that blur and flicker like broken stars, making her skin glow like a fairy. Her dress tonight is fancier than the ones she's ever worn in CCG meetings, or in Ayato's graduation day, or in Yoriko's wedding. It's short, vibrating in a purplish wine shade that makes it look softer, with two thick straps crossed over her chest and giving her boobs a nice and firm look. It had been a gift from Yoriko — to be honest, the only reason for why she was here tonight, her husband had been promoted — many years ago, but this has been the first time she's ever got the chance to wear it, and it surprises her that it still fits.

But her dress is not the only sight that the reflection reveals, or the pale nuance of her fluffy hair, or her bored expression and tired eyes. She sees themselves, Haise and Touka. The way that she holds him tightly, the way that he keeps his hand on her arm to not let her go, the perfect position that they deliver to the rest of the world, that she's here because she wants to; she's holding him because she wants to. She _wants_ him and, yet, her mind keeps debating on the possibility that perhaps she doesn't know what she truly wants.

Touka sighs, closing her eyes for a moment, relishing in the scent of her lover, mint and green apples and a little bit of an old wine. However, when her eyes decide to flick open once more, it's not her reflection what she sees, or Haise's extravagant expressions to his comrades.

She sees black.

Black eyes, black clothes, black soul, a shadow taking refuge in the reflection of a lonely window that is freezing just like her heart. Touka finds Kaneki through the glass, hiding from the large crowds in a corner along with Ui and that pink-haired girl… Hairu, she believes. Unlike Haise, Kaneki wasn't a big sociable person. He would pick his friends carefully and wouldn't be charming with others unless he knew he was going to get something in return. He speaks with the right people, the ones he believes are worthy of his words, and Touka finds herself staring at him more than she should.

He's wearing a dress wine shirt and black slacks. Haise and Kaneki always had a similar way of dressing, however, while Kaneki's clothes were darker, Haise's colors were brighter and cheerful. Just by the sight of that, Touka realizes that you can tell a lot about a person just by the way they dress, the colors they use. Her eyes keep observing him from the distance, from the reflection, he's not using his glasses this time and keeps drinking his glass in silence, just hearing Hairu speak way too loudly and laughing way too cheerfully. She doesn't know how many minutes pass until Kaneki's gaze looks away at the window, almost bored, and finds Touka's eyes upon him.

Sometimes, Kaneki's face looks so unemotional that it makes you wonder if he's even there, alive, breathing the same air you're breathing — like a valley with no flowers. However, when he finds her staring, Touka is sure she can see him blink a few times, eyebrows twitching at the discovering. For a moment he looks startled.

But Touka is fast as it can be, like a rabbit. She turns her head around, gazes the floor and Akira's dress, and the chandeliers above and the redness of her feet due to the high heels she's wearing. She stares at everything but him, however, she can feel his eyes upon her. Now that she's looked first, he probably feels that he has the right to stare back and, who knows, probably the right to approach too. He always seems to hold some kind of wicked right over her, even now, after all these years.

How pathetic.

After a few more minutes, Touka releases her arms from Haise once she realizes that she won't be able to concentrate at all on what he's saying, or what everybody is saying, or anything at all inside that crowded and fancy salon. She sighs, grabbing her tiny black purse, and approaches Haise by slightly patting his back.

"Hey," she disrupts. He stops talking, eyes kindly looking down at her with curiosity. "I'm going outside for a bit, I need to take some air."

Haise blinks, brows arching.

"O-Oh, okay. Do you want me to come with you?" he asks, sweetly stroking her arm.

Touka shakes her head, locks of hair falling over her forehead in the process. Haise raises his hand, pushing them aside.

"No, it's okay, stay here with everyone. Can I take your coat? It's freezing."

He gives a quick nod in response, taking off his coat to gently place it on her shoulders. Akira laughs, insisting that he's a true gentleman and Haise rolls his eyes, insisting that it's okay, that he doesn't want Touka to catch a cold, that November is a cruel season to those who are prone to get sick quite often, like him. They all resume the conversation pretty quickly and after squeezing her hand one last time, she turns around and starts walking towards the exit, the sound of her high heels catching everyone's attention as they smile to her and offer a few bows here and there; some of them rapidly mention her coffee shop, thanking her for it and promising to drop by soon. Touka gives them a tired grin in response, a slight nod in agreement, but her eyes don't look back not even once when she's out of the building and her body meets the cold and cruel air of November.

Touka remains still on the first two steps of the entrance, closing her eyes at the feeling of the wind caressing her skin, fluttering her short hair, washing her clean and making her pure. Her hands are freezing on each side of her hips, but she doesn't care. Her eyes open, glossy and red because of the breeze, and when she sighs, a breath escapes out of her lips like hot steam.

Why is she even here? She doesn't know. At this point in her life, there are far too many things that Touka doesn't know about herself.

One of them?

Well, for example, she thought she'd quitted smoking a long time ago, since her teenage years.

Apparently not.

With a deep sigh, Touka walks down the two steps in where she's standing and heads towards the sidewalk, resting her back against the wall of the building. She adjusts Haise's coat on her, inserting her arms fully into the thick sleeves and allows herself a moment to breathe. Once she's completely covered with his coat, she nuzzles her face on the sleeve, smelling his scent, the sweet colony impregnated in the fabric. Touka recognizes the perfume, she was the one who bought it. She would often spend too much money on him, buying stupid things from stupid web-stores like funny shirts with funny puns, cups, pens, perfumes, it was way easier to figure out what he liked than buying things for herself. Haise always complained, explaining that it wasn't necessary, that she should spend _her_ money on herself and not on him, but Touka wouldn't listen.

As the wind picks up its speed, Touka sighs and grabs her purse, taking a pack of cigarettes and her white old lighter. She'd bought the cigarettes last week and only smoked two, at night, when Haise was sleeping. She had stopped smoking years ago by his demand, he never liked it, and after discussing what their future would be like after having children, she decided that she wanted to stay healthy as much as she could. Drinking coffee every single day was already bad enough, but it really doesn't matter because there she is, leading the cig to her mouth like that sixteen young lady she used to be.

What's the saying? Oh, yes.

Old habits die hard.

Yeah, they really do.

Touka uses the palm of her hand to protect the lighter from the wind and starts rolling the spark wheel with her thumb. One, two, three times, but the flame never ignites. She sighs, blurting out a shaky "shit" as her hand shakes the lighter a couple times, and tries again.

One, two, three…

The flame is nowhere to be seen.

Touka is about to fucking throw the damn lighter to the ground until she hears it.

 _Click._

Her body stiffens with the cigarette stuck in her lips and strands of hair fluttering her nose when she sees a dark gloved hand holding a zippo lighter, lid open and flame burning brightly, so brightly that she can sense the warmth caressing her shivering skin. Touka stares at the lighter for a moment, and then her doubtful eyes travel all the way up from his stretched arm, now wearing his black coat, to the extension of his neck and then his parted lips, dry for the cold and billowing a steam that looks as if his soul is coming out of his body.

He waits, patiently holding the lighter and standing close to her, very close. How is that she didn't see him coming? The fact that he's there, studying her expression so meticulously, offering her _his_ fire… she almost feels stupid again, like when he used to share with her his bottle of coke when they were children, and she had to take a sip from the same rim. This is the exact same thing, adult version.

She shouldn't.

Still, she leans closer, the flame brightening her expression as she places the edge of her cig into the flame and inhales.

For a moment she swears that those damn lips his twitch in a tricky smirk.

Touka's eyes fall shut for a moment as the fume travels down her chest and burns her lungs. She doesn't look at him once she's done. Not even once. Touka goes back to her old position with her cig pressed between her fingers, rests her back against the wall and exhales slowly, the fume slipping through her parted lips like rainy clouds. She hears Kaneki taking a cigarette too, using his fancy device to light it and then closing the lid with one finger. He inhales deeply, way deeper than her, he also exhales more elegantly; from his nostrils, from his mouth, he's an expert, but Touka still doesn't look at him. There's a somber silence lingering in the air that Kaneki decides to shatter with a casual addition.

"I thought you quitted smoking."

Touka gives a faint sigh, arching her brows in agreement. She stares at her feet, the weight of Haise's coat on her feeling heavier than anything, the sweet perfume of the fabric impregnating itself with Kaneki's colony, spicier and vibrant, almost like the scent of an old book.

"I thought that too," she replies, leading the cig to her lips in order to inhale one more time, closing her eyes at the feeling. She feels every taut muscle slowly unwinding and, for some reason, smoking makes her feel brave. Brave enough to ask, to _talk_ to him. "Are you following me or something?"

Still, she's not brave enough to stare at his face. But she knows him too well, and she can visualize the way that his brows meet, she can hear his bitter sigh, she can feel his body changing its position, resting his back on the wall and crossing one leg over the other.

"This is a public space, Kirishima," he complains in a calm tone. "And this is my smoking spot anyways."

Touka grimaces and pulls from her cig again, ignoring his words. Tonight she's not in the mood for joking, she's not in the mood to be mocked and think of nasty words to attack him and feel that, for once, she's won. Tonight, she holds no desire to win. The silence remains for a long while, and she reassures herself by the smell of Haise's jacket. Tonight it's her shield, because she knows that Kaneki is here for a reason. He doesn't share silences, he doesn't share anything at all, so Touka smokes harder. She inhales deeply, preparing herself for his arrows.

"Kirishima," he speaks, almost as if he's reading her mind. "Can I ask you something?"

She keeps smoking.

"You're already doing it."

He ignores her.

"That night, two weeks ago," he starts, and Touka feels the sudden impulse to laugh. Did he had been counting the days since then? "You mentioned the incident in high school. Why?"

Touka shudders at the memory. Both the night he's mentioning _and_ the incident from years ago. She grabs her cig harder, squeezing it with her poor shaky fingers. She shrugs with indifference, inhaling, exhaling.

"I don't know, I just did," she responds. "I was drunk."

"But why?" he insists, and he's looking down at her, trying to catch a glimpse of her expression that is hidden by her hair, a sign, a key for a door he's never found. "Of all the things you could've brought up, you mentioned that day. Why?"

He's in his investigator mode now, an annoying peculiarity that he shares with his older brother, Haise. Asking too much, extorting every expression as if they are trying to solve one of their cases, treating her like the criminals they're always so desperate to catch. Somehow, the title of _investigator_ seems to make them both feel entitled to do whatever they want. Touka hates it. Whenever she had a fight with Haise, he would always try to analyze her responses to see if she was hiding something, to see if she was being honest enough. Kaneki, on the other hand, would often ask you the most annoying questions, the ones that would make you lose your patience and break in surrender, confessing your crimes so he can give you that stupid, arrogant smirk and know that he's won.

 _I've won._

But tonight is different.

She won't let him win again.

Touka meets his eyes for the first time since he's arrived and, somehow, it makes him speechless. Her eyes look red and glossy, and during an instant, the acclaimed Associate Special Class can't tell if she's crying, or if her eyes look irritated because of the wind, or the fume from her cig, or something else he doesn't understand. He's been trained to catch and interrogate dangerous criminals, understand his reasons and motives and make them confess, however, he can't decipher the gaze of an old friend, his brother's future wife, a woman that stands beside him with a coat on her shoulders and a cigarette on her fingers.

He can't.

"You know why," she speaks slowly, pronouncing every word with ease so that stupid brain of his can process them and actually _remember_ them. She won't say it again. "Don't act like you care."

She looks away, resuming her bad habits, the cig getting smaller and smaller in her fingers. _It's too late for that,_ her heart whispers.

"You're right," he responds, throwing his cigarette to the ground to take another from his pocket, using his lighter to turn it on. "I don't care."

Touka stops breathing. She wasn't expecting a different answer, however, it still hurts her that he's so indifferent to everything.

It hurts.

Kaneki perches the new cigarette between his lips and takes a long drag that threatens to burn down his lungs forever. He doesn't add anything else, but the fire is already burning inside of her and that stupid thought about Haise's jacket being a shield and the nonsense of not wanting to win are completely meaningless now. Kaneki always manages to make her lose her sanity, and it doesn't matter how hard Touka tries, he always wins. She's angry.

He's got what he wanted.

"Can I ask you something now, then?" she says, and the force she employs to make her voice sound calm makes him smirk softly. God, he _does_ know her after all. She doesn't know how to calm down, how to burn down a fire that only he is able to ignite.

"You're already doing it," he replies, using her own words against her.

It makes her go even crazier. Touka throws the cigarette to the floor with intensity, and steps on it too roughly, like if she's killing an insect.

"Why do you keep calling me Kirishima-san?" she says, looking at him, and the question is certainly quite unexpected.

Touka stares at the way he shrugs, frowning his lips and holding the cigarette in front of his face, inspecting it with boredom.

"You're my brother's fiancee. It's the right thing to do."

The right thing to do? He must be joking.

She gasps, almost offended.

"Is that what I am to you? Just Haise's fiancee?"

How… how could he say that? How could he only reduce her to that? After all these years, in the name of a friendship that they shared in the past, one that is long gone now and hiding from the entire world… was that how he really felt? Touka doesn't understand, for she can almost feel the slight touch of his hand on her skin, a touch she hasn't felt in years, always putting a safe distance between them, a line that they didn't have to cross no matter the circumstances, it was a rule. She can almost remember the childish colony he used to wear, a mix of pineapples and toothpaste, he hated it. As the years went by and their bodies grew old, there had been times when they wouldn't even dare to look into each other's eyes. Touka tried to deny it, but it was a reality she couldn't run away from. There was always this uncomfortable silence lingering in between, an unfinished business, a story that still has its door open, allowing a sorrowful view of the past.

Touka realizes that now she's the one playing the investigator, asking the stupid questions, stupid questions with stupid answers she won't be able to get, answers she doesn't want to know. She doesn't have to. This is wrong. She shouldn't care about him that much, the way he calls her, if he remembers the past in the same way she does. She's different now, both have changed, both have nothing to do with each other anymore apart from the fact that they share a relationship with Haise.

It shouldn't matter.

But it does. It does.

Kaneki sighs, annoyed.

"How am I supposed to call you, then?" he asks, looking down at her. _"Bunny?"_

Touka freezes, gasping, and raises a hand to slightly punch him in the arm, making him stumble a bit. How dare he?

"Stop!"

Now she's offended.

He narrows his eyes, not losing his composure.

"What a ridiculous nickname. How old are you? Nine?"

She punches him again, making him stumble a little and drop his cigarette to the ground. He gives her a dark gaze, a "do you want to die?" type of gaze, but Touka's eyes also look terrifying, so it's not like she's intimidated.

"Shut up."

Kaneki fixes his coat, rubbing his arm.

"You're pathetic," he complains.

"Me?" she gasps, blurting out a sarcastic giggle. "Look who's talking, Black Reaper. What kind of shitty name is that? I almost spilled my coffee in embarrassment when I heard they call you that."

"You're just jealous because my nickname sounds cooler than yours."

"It doesn't. It sounds ridiculous."

Suddenly, he's smiling. An honest, wide smile he tries to hide by looking at the floor, by taking another cigarette from his pocket, by not staring at her straight in the eyes. Suddenly, it's like both are young again, and it almost feels just as it used to be in the past, both arguing over stupid matters, challenging each other for no reason at all. The seriousness of the moment is gone as Kaneki smiles, sighing, and Touka frowns, unsure of what to do, unsure of what to say, how to act. She's always so unsure around him.

She parts her lips to say something, even if she doesn't know what is she supposed to say, when the main glass door of the building opens widely and Haise comes through, making a funny face as the cold hits him hard, for he's not wearing his coat. Touka tenses, shouting her mouth firmly, and a horrible feeling spreads inside of her. Why is she so nervous to see Haise there? It wasn't like she was being caught up doing something bad. She wasn't doing anything. She was just smoking, and she had dropped her cig minutes ago. Her discomfort increases when Haise's eyes land on her, and then rapidly on Kaneki, and then she realizes that Kaneki is the real reason for her discomfort. He, being there with her, _alone_ , in sight of Haise.

"Oh, you were here," Haise speaks once he stops in front of them. "Yoriko is looking out for you."

Touka nods, giving him a faint smile.

"Okay," then, she proceeds to take off his coat to give it to him. "Take your coat, it's cold."

She can feel Kaneki's gaze upon them as she helps Haise put on his jacket, like the good girlfriend she is, and Touka doesn't dare to find out the expression on his face. She leaves, not saying goodbye, not looking at him one more time, and Haise finds himself finally alone with his brother. He blurts out a heavy sigh, almost nervous to be in front of his brother who still smokes his cigarette in silence, not looking at him. Haise gives one step, taking Touka's place, and rests his back against the wall with both hands hidden in his pockets. It's freezing outside, and it's surprising to him that Kaneki hasn't left yet.

"She was smoking, right?" Haise asks, defeated.

Kaneki gives a faint nod. "Mmh."

His brother looks at the sky, dark and with no stars.

"Ah, I knew it," he breathes, feeling Touka's perfume on his coat, a mix of vanilla and the scent of an old cigarette. "God, I don't know how to make her stop doing it."

"Let her do whatever the hell she wants, Haise," Kaneki complains in his stoic voice, raspy and hoarse due to so many years of smoking. Haise wonders how many years would pass for Touka to get that very same voice as well if she kept on smoking? Touka's voice could be deep too, breaking out when she would scream in anger, or sing a very high-pitched song. And although she had stopped smoking years ago, Haise wonders if the damage still remains.

He nods, grimacing as guilt overcomes him.

"I know, I know," he answers. "It's just that I worry."

"You worry way too much."

"Yeah, I know."

Silence strikes again and Haise takes a moment to stare at his brother. They have never been that close, not as close as he would be with Kuroneki, Shironeki, and little Ken. His younger brothers always needed him more than Kaneki ever did. They needed him to comfort them, to trust him their concerns, to hug them, make them lunch, take them out for a walk, help them with homework, they would use him as a shield to defend themselves from his mother's illness and that's something Haise never got to experience with Kaneki. Not even once. They were both close in age, and Kaneki never seemed to be proud of his protection. In high school, for example, both had a different group of friends, different girlfriends, different tastes, and it continued once they went to the academy, even now when they work in the same building. It was as if Kaneki always tried to distance himself from him, and although there have been good and bad moments alike, they never shared a deep connection despite Haise's efforts to protect him, and make him sure that he would always be there for him.

Like now.

"Are you…" Haise starts, thinking that this is probably the right moment to say it. "Are you okay?"

Kaneki gives him a weird look, almost an annoying one.

"What do you mean?"

Haise blinks rapidly, arching his brows and trying to find the right words.

"I-I mean, after what happened with mom, I wanted to know if you — "

"Oh, God," Kaneki complains, _now_ he looks annoyed. He takes a long drag from his cig, looking away. "Don't start."

Haise sighs, defeated.

"I just want you to know that I'm here for you if you need to talk, Kaneki," he says, staring at him with kind and desperate eyes, but Kaneki doesn't hold his gaze. "I tried to call you but you never answer me, and it's okay! I'm not scolding you! I'm just saying that you can always count on me for — "

Haise realizes that Kaneki is done once he takes his cig out of his mouth and throws it to the floor, stepping on it. He expulses the fume with elegance and turns his head around to give him one last look, cold as his the breeze that lingers in the air. The darkness of the sky is reflected in his eyes; no stars, no spark, just a deep void of nothing.

"How sweet of you, dear brother."

It makes him swallow his words, his thoughts, even his love for him. Because Haise loves Kaneki, he loves his brother more than anything and it doesn't matter what Kaneki feels, all those years of being ignored, pushed away, all those years of trying to break off the wall that he'd built between them… Haise will never stop looking. He will never stop looking out for his brother's heart, because he _has_ one, Haise knows it. It's there, inside of him, almost dying, but alive.

Kaneki turns around to walk away after his final words, leaving Haise surrounded by dead cigarettes on the floor and a chilly breeze freezing his soul.

 **—o—**

Mondays were always a chaos for Touka.

It was always the day when her shop would work to the fullest. Giggly teenagers waking up in the morning to get some coffee and a lunch before marching way to school. Restless businessmen trying to talk on their phones _and_ ask for their order at the same time.

Her friend Nishiki would come over to help her sometimes, although his definition of _help_ wasn't exactly the one Touka was expecting. He would just sit there in a corner, drinking a coffee he didn't pay and playing a stupid video game on his phone and would only speak to shout her name, screaming that she had new customers and… that was it. That's how useless he was. However, Touka didn't have time to open the shop that Monday morning since paying bills was the only thing she'd been doing for the past two weeks. The bank had called her recently to tell her that she didn't pay the rent of the shop when Touka was completely sure that she did, so she had to wake up very early that morning to run all the necessary errands so that those assholes would finally stop calling her every single week.

But life is always unexpected. The things we do, the things we say. Our bodies are like puppets, arms and legs and souls controlled by something else, manipulating our movements and feelings and actions with every step we take. You would want to take _that_ way, because it looks safer, cleaner, because it looks like the right thing to do. But in the blink of an eye, that magic force above forces you to turn around, and take a different path, one that you never imagined you'd cross, one that you've been avoiding your entire life due to unknown reasons. When destiny makes itself heard, there's nothing you can do.

Touka and Kaneki never thought that their paths would recross that day.

Again.

Touka had thought of him that morning when she woke up, when her eyelids flew open and the sight of her future husband by her side made her wonder what Kaneki was doing at that time. Was he still sleeping? Did he wake up early just like her? Touka hushed those thoughts away as quickly as they arrived, and got up of bed to take a brisk shower.

But she ignored the fact that Kaneki also thought of her when he woke up. When he opened his eyes and saw the sleeping silhouette of a woman whose name he didn't remember. It didn't matter. Empty rooms, empty heart, a flat so empty and cold that meant nothing at all to him.

But destiny likes to play dirty. After three long hours of discussing with the woman at the bank to convince her that she did paid her fucking bills, Touka abandons the place with a deep sigh, an empty stomach and a piece of paper that she had to deliver to a different bank — gladly, just a few blocks away — so they could take her claim number and finish with this mess once and for all. What she didn't realize, was that Kaneki was heading towards the same place. He had his day off at work and decided to run some errands before it was too late, carrying a black umbrella in his hand due to the weather alert that morning. He stops in the middle of the street when he sees her, radiant and angry, looking at a piece of paper that looks like her worst enemy. Her pale fluffy hair looks fluffier than ever, and for a moment he's sure it wasn't supposed to look that way. She's wearing a red sweater with a friendly reindeer smiling at the center and tight blue jeans. He stood there for several seconds until he realized that she was probably going to see him, and that was not a good idea at all.

Kaneki gasps, looking around, and his feet rush towards the nearest tree. Big, wide, the perfect hideaway. However, his lips blurt out a shaky _fuck_ when something inside of him whispers that it's pointless, for she already saw him.

Touka was staring at her paper when her eyes traveled up to the sky, frowning at the state of the clouds, the salty smell lingering in the air, a storm was brewing and Touka couldn't understand how. She didn't remember the news announcing any storm today.

Her eyes were falling down onto the paper again when a black figure moved way too fast a few steps away from her. Touka blinked, looking around with brows deeply frowned to find a strange silhouette behind a tree. She could spot the black shoes, black pants, a black umbrella slightly peering out from the side… there was only _one_ person who would use that amount of black in their wardrobe.

Touka's brows relax, but her eyes look severe. She remembers herself walking towards the tree, very slowly, to find no one but Kaneki, the Black Reaper, on his back, standing in there like an absolute idiot. Touka remains silence for a minute, realizing that he still doesn't know she's behind him, catching him with both hands on fire. Touka stretches out her hand, touching his shoulder, and Kaneki does the most unexpected: he jumps out of his place, turning around like a man who's just seen a ghost.

He holds her gaze with parted lips, not knowing what to say.

Touka waits, and then, she adds:

"Are you following me?"

Kaneki frowns, almost offended.

"W-Wha — No! Why would I be — "

"You shitty liar!"

Touka approaches, fisting a good amount of hair from his nape and starts pulling roughly, dragging him away from the shadow of the tree, exposing all his evil intentions. He screams, bending down and grimacing deeply, dropping that shitty umbrella to the ground and looking weaker than ever. This, _this_ is what Haise needed to do with this bastard, the _Black Reaper_ was just a silly name given by those who didn't know him. But Touka did know him, and she knew exactly how to bring him to his knees.

"Ah, A-Ah!" he yells, grabbing her wrist and trying to get rid of it, but Touka is extremely strong. "W-What the hell is wrong with you, Kirishima!"

She lets him go, furious, as Kaneki holds the back of his nape, horrified, and bends down to grab his umbrella.

"Are you crazy?" he keeps on complaining, like a grumpy grandmother.

"What were you doing in there? Are you spying on me now?"

He blinks, paler than ever, and this is the first time in years where Touka sees him nervous. Nervous. It's unbelievable.

"What? No! I was… I w-was… searching. For something."

Touka's brows arch in a fake surprise.

"Oh, really? What could you possibly be searching behind a tree? A squirrel?"

He narrows his eyes. Now he looks pissed.

"So funny."

"What are you doing here?" she asks, still angry.

Kaneki looks angrier.

"What the fuck is your problem, now I can't walk freely? We live in the same city, Kirishima, get your shit together."

"Talk to me like that again and I'll beat the shit out of you."

"Make me."

She groans, looking away, breathing softly. Now she wants a cigarette. But don't, don't… calm down, breathe. Touka sighs, biting her lower lip.

"Okay, fine. Where were you going, anyway?"

He's still rubbing the back of his neck, quite offended.

"The bank."

The bank.

Touka stares at him for long seconds, parted lips and erratic breathing. Kaneki's still frowning, holding his umbrella like a powerful weapon he will use against her if she tries something funny, but his expression softens once he realizes that she's staring at him, and she doesn't look angry, or happy, or irritated. She's just looking.

Just looking.

"What — "

"Me too," she responds in a whisper, looking away. "I'm going to the bank too."

"Oh."

Yeah. Oh.

She bites her lip again, thinking, always thinking. Kaneki's eyes fall inevitably on her mouth, they linger in there for long seconds until Touka nods, looking back at him, and Kaneki feels forced to draw his eyes away from her lips.

"Okay then."

Without adding a word, Touka turns around and starts walking way to the bank. One, five, eight, eleven steps… then she stops, turning around. Kaneki remains stiff in his same place, holding his umbrella like the idiot he is, unsure of what to do. She gives him a haunting look, brows arching questionably.

Jeez. What's wrong with him today?

"What are you waiting for?" Touka yells, frowning in frustration. "Come on!"

She…

She wants him to follow her? Touka waits, and waits, until his legs start moving. One, two, three steps.

Like a stupid dog, Kaneki follows her.

 **—o—**

The bank doesn't keep them busy for more than twenty minutes. Kaneki pays some bills, withdraws some cash. Touka makes sure that all the papers are correct and that they won't call her again and then… then, she breathes.

Touka breathes when another woman takes the first place in the line in front of her and her feet travel all the way towards the open door of the bank, smelling the perfume of a rain that is already crying around her. It covers every corner, staining old buildings with a fierce malignity that is all too human. Touka always liked rain, especially when she got to enjoy it at her shop, with a warm cup of coffee and just a few clients reading in silence. She gave one step outside, hiding under the roof. Her eyes fell shut, feeling the saltiness in the air mixing with faint drops that would occasionally caress her skin, like brief kisses from mother earth. Touka completely forgot the fact that she wasn't alone at that bank, that someone else was watching her from afar, coming closer and closer from behind like a hunter ready to kill. A reaper.

But that reaper didn't have a gun, or a sword, or a knife. He had an umbrella. He took it, opening it carefully, and placed it on Touka's head, protecting her body from mischievous drops. She felt the shadow upon her, the warmth and bitter smell, the haunting presence by her side, alive inside of her even when she couldn't see. Touka opened her eyes, already knowing what she was about to see. Kaneki was staring at the sky, the wind throwing gentle drops at him and moistening his dark hair.

"Are you hungry?" he suddenly asks, giving the area a quick look, like looking out for something.

Touka feels the energy slowly pulling away from her body, like an old phantom. The energy to say no, to walk away from him and come back home, where she belongs. She gawks at him with parted lips, trying to understand his true intentions. And Kaneki knows, above all things, that she'll definitely leave now. She will hold her purse, reject his evident offer, walk away from him and never come back. He can already picture her getting lost in the rain, leaving the bank, leaving him. And he knows that he won't have any right to stop her, to follow her and ask her to stay. He never did before, when he had the chance, when he had it all and lost it like a fool. Like a damn fool.

But then, Touka surprises him. She always surprises him.

She gives a gentle nod.

"I want ramen," she replies, drawing her eyes away from his face to stare at his coat, his arm, the way that his hand holds the umbrella for her.

Kaneki blinks, startled. He looks down at her, swallowing hard.

"Ramen?"

Touka nods again.

"Yes. Ramen."

There's Kaneki staring. There's silence. There's his voice, sounding softer than ever.

"Okay."

 **—o—**

They find a good restaurant a few blocks away. Kaneki didn't bring his car, so they have to risk their bodies under his tiny umbrella and black coat until they arrive at the store, rapidly opening the door and making the ring bell. The place is almost empty, as it would be on such a gloomy day like this, where the streets were desolated and commuters would escape from haunting storms. They take a seat in a comfy corner for two beside a window so they could contemplate the rain and have something to distract themselves with when words would leave them empty. The place is small and warm, filled with Christmas lights and special menus hanging on the walls, anticipating the new dishes for December.

Once both get comfortable and Kaneki rests his jacket on the seat, Touka orders the menu.

"I want, uh… this ramen," she explains, pointing out the picture with her finger. Then, she looks up at Kaneki. "And you?"

He takes the pack of cigarettes from his pocket, searching for his lighter.

"Just coffee."

Touka frowns, offended.

"What?"

Kaneki gives her a weary look as he presses the cig in between his lips.

"Are you deaf? I said just coffee."

Touka rolls her eyes, focusing her attention on the order.

"Whatever. Just this ramen, a coffee for this guy and, uh, can you bring me the cheapest wine from the menu, please?"

The waiter nods, bowing softly, and leaves them alone.

Kaneki turns on his cigarette, making an awkward grin.

"Are you seriously going to drink now?"

"Shut up."

Kaneki stares absently at the way she takes off her purse that's hanging around her shoulder, and the way that her diamond ring shines in her finger when she brings the tiny purse into the table, like a powerful reminder of how much things have changed over the years. It was an expensive ring, something everyone would have expected from Haise, and Kaneki knew that Touka had complained. She was a simple woman, you see. Kaneki didn't know all the details, but he knew that Haise wanted a big, extravagant party to celebrate with all his loved ones, while Touka just wished for a simple reunion only surrounded by closest friends. Kaneki wonders if that's the reason for why they aren't married yet.

He smokes in silence, staring at her as she takes a rubber band from her purse to hold her messy hair into a thick ponytail at the back of her head, leaving some strands of hair on her face, touching her eyelashes and tickling her chin.

Touka isn't really looking back at him, her eyes seem too busy folding the strap from her purse as her eyes scrutinize a rain that is slowly dying, crying tears against the steamy glass. She raises a finger, leaning closer, and draws a rabbit on the window; and keeps drawing a few more until her phone rings, vibrating over the table, and Touka grabs it to give it a quick glance, a glance that is full of anxiety and it forces her to swallow hard. Real hard. She touches the screen, real quick, and the call ends.

Kaneki smiles.

Touka puts the phone back on the table, landing her eyes rapidly on Kaneki.

"Why are you smiling…"

"Was that Haise?"

She doesn't look at him, instead, keeps herself occupied by adjusting her ponytail.

"It was no one."

He doesn't believe her.

"Did you hang up because of me?"

Touka narrows her eyes, annoyed.

"Don't flatter yourself. I'm not here because of you, I'm just hungry."

"I'm not paying for your food if that's what you expect," he complains in a soft whisper, silently smoking his cig.

"I don't need you to pay my food, Kaneki," she replies, and Kaneki suddenly realizes how tired she looks.

Touka draws her eyes away from him, landing them back again on the window, observing the world outside with sad eyes. She's playing with her purse's strap, something she does when she's nervous. She also bites her lips, they clench occasionally, and she looks like she's thinking. Always thinking. Thinking about that phone-call, maybe. Thinking of him, too, since there's obviously a reason for why she didn't answer. Kaneki suspects that the reason is him. It fills him both with pride and something else he can't unravel. Guilt? No, he hasn't felt that in a long time. Sadness? Neither.

He can't figure out.

She can't figure it out either.

The waiter arrives with the order more quickly than expected and Touka can't express her gratefulness, desperate to have something to do so she wouldn't feel forced to talk to him, or to keep with this uncomfortable silence and the way that Kaneki takes advantage of it to stare at her like if he's judging her. The man places the bowl of ramen in front of her, opens the bottle of wine to fill a fancy glass and delivers the coffee for Kaneki. Touka smiles softly, closing her eyes at the smell, the steam from the bowl warming up her face as she grabs the spoon to taste the soup. Ah, delicious. Then, she holds the chopsticks, whispering a cheerful _itadakimasu_ to herself and proceeds to take her first bite.

She can't contain her emotion.

"God, I've been craving ramen for a long time."

Kaneki holds himself back from smiling at her excitement when she ruins everything by grabbing the bottle of wine and giving the glass a quick look. Apparently, the amount of wine that the waiter poured out into the glass was not enough for her. She fills the glass almost to the top and nods, content with herself. Then, she starts eating.

Kaneki's attempt to smile rapidly vanish into a disgusting face, face wrinkled in confusion as he keeps his eyes on her, holding his cigarette in his fingers and way too distracted to keep on smoking.

Touka had always been a messy eater, especially when she was very hungry. When she was little, her dad used to scold her because she would eat cake only with her hands, noisily licking each one of her fingers once she was done. She used to eat really fast as well, and Kaneki found himself surprised at the fact that this hadn't changed at all. Touka grabs the bowl, bringing it to her mouth to take a huge sip from the soup when she realizes that she's stained her red sweater.

"Oh, shit," she gasps, putting the bowl back on the table and grabbing her sweater, sighing in frustration.

Kaneki keeps frowning, as if he's staring at a strange creature.

"You're disgusting."

Touka's eyes flicker towards him, giving him a searing gaze. The corners of her mouth are filled with soup, and he can't take her seriously at all.

"Keep drinking your stupid coffee," she complains, and grabs the glass in order to lead it to her mouth. She adds in a faint whisper. "I bet it's not as good as mine."

"It's not," he admits, grabbing the cup. "Yours is always better."

Touka's hand stops right before her lips, holding the glass of wine. Her eyes rise up to meet him, to take his unusual compliment and keep it close to her, because these things with Kaneki never happen. They never _happened._ Compliments, being nice, kind words… it was hard to reach out that part of him, yet she feels that she knows the path that will lead her there. God, all of this is pathetic. He takes a sip of his coffee, looking at the window, and Touka looks away to give her glass a long, _long_ sip. Kaneki lands his eyes on her again when she finishes the glass instantly, arching a brow. She keeps on eating the ramen, and finishes the bowl in less than thirty minutes. She breathes heavily, wiping the corners of her mouth with her fingers and then she grabs the bottle.

Her next goal.

Kaneki stares in silence as she fills the glass again and drinks, slowly this time, nothing compared to the way she ate the bowl. Touka takes her time, drinking one, two, three sips from the glass as her eyes travel around the restaurant, admiring the Christmas decorations, the red walls, moving her head side to side at the beat of the music playing in the background. It only takes one more glass of wine for her to start getting noisy. Now, the deep silence that was born as soon as they sat on the table is gone. Her lips move, non-stopping, holding her glass and looking at him straight in the eyes.

Touka was never good at drinking anyway.

"I down't understadn why… why do you hvea to be so annoynig, you know?"

But her words are far from annoying _him_. He sits there, legs crossed, arm resting on the backrest as he smokes in silence, watching the show with a faint smirk. You could think that Kaneki was having a hard time by witnessing this scene, but it was quite the opposite. When her mother was drunk, she could be scary. Very scary. However, when Touka was drunk…

It was simply hilarious.

"I mean," she sighs, closing her eyes for a moment as she rests both elbows on the table, pointing out his face. "Your glasses, wehy do you use them like that? I mean, what's thne poinit?"

Kaneki smiles a little, arching his brows.

"I'm not wearing my glasses today."

Touka frowns, narrowing her eyes to get a better view of his face.

"Really?"

"Really," he reassures, bringing his cig to his lips.

"Oh," she replies. Then she giggles.

Then, her head falls on the table. She buries her forehead in her arms, nuzzling her face in her sweater, she's getting sleepier just as the day is getting darker. Kaneki gives a quick look at the sky, the sun slowly hiding behind a building to welcome what promises it will be a very cold night. The rain had stopped hours ago, however, Touka seems unable to move from her seat.

"But, you know…" she starts, just when he thinks she's starting to fall asleep in there. "Despite all, I hwas very happy to stee you today."

For a moment, Kaneki doesn't know how to breathe. Breathe? What is that? He can only stare. And feel. Feel something knocking at his chest, his cold heart trying to find the warmth that is lost, but Kaneki doesn't let him. He swallows, hard, squeezing the cig in his fingers.

"You…" he starts, having no idea of what he's doing. "Yo were?"

Touka nods with her face still buried in her arms.

"Mmmh. Today, hwhen I wokee up, I thought of you," then, she sits up straight, giving him a sleepy smile.

There was a gentle fire in her eyes, a spark, burning every corner of his body. Because, you see, Kaneki viewed himself as a man with enough experience to understand the true nature of women. Women are like fires, like flames. Some women are like candles, bright and friendly. Some are like single sparks, or embers, like fireflies for chasing on summer nights. Some are like campfires, all light and heat for a night and willing to be left after. Some women are like heartfires, not much to look at but underneath they are all warm red coal that burns a long, long while. And the fire that Touka Kirishima ignited inside of him many years ago was still burning, up to this day. And right now, at this very moment, Kaneki felt it. He felt the heat of her heart and the glint in her eyes and that smile that she always tried so hard to hide in front of him. He looked at her with the intention of saying something clever, some of all those phrases that came to his mind the moment they entered the restaurant and he knew that both would have to sit in front of each other, alone, holding a stupid conversation. But when Kaneki looked into her eyes, words abandoned him. He did nothing at all, repeating the same mistakes from the past. Maybe he should have been braver and kiss her, tell her that he was truly, truly sorry. Maybe he should have been more prudent. Always speaking too much, never saying enough. In any case, love was indeed a long path of regrets.

Kaneki swallows, staring at her sleepy smile, the way she'd fight to keep her eyes open.

"I thought of you too," he replies in a whisper, almost as if he's talking to himself, but even a drunk Touka is hard to foolish.

She smiles again, closing her eyes and nodding in agreement.

"Mmmh, good. Are you okay?" she asks.

Huh?

"What?" he speaks, and rubs his cig on the ashtray, turning it off.

"I'm saying…" she starts, resting her elbows on the table again, but keeping her head up. "Are you okay?"

Why is she asking that?

No, more importantly.

When… when was the last time that someone asked him that question? _Are you okay?_

He feels stupid at not being able to find a proper answer.

"Uh, y-yes?"

She makes him stammer like a damn fool. This is pathetic.

Touka smirks, nodding again.

"Great, because Ch… Chirsh… Christmas is coming sooln, and I won't allow anyone… _ANYONE_ , to feel sad on Christmas. Dddi you qhear me?" she explains, raising one finger at him and looking at his eyes with extreme intensity.

During an instant, all that Kaneki can think of is the fact that Haise is going to fucking, _fucking_ kill him for letting her drink like that. But, somehow, the idea seems to excite him. Kaneki nods, looking at her like the ugliest creature in the world _and_ the cutest thing he's ever seen, both at the same time.

"Yeah."

"Okay, good."

Kaneki looks at the window, the sky completely dark by now. He sighs.

"We should get going, it's getting late," he warns, grabbing his wallet and raising his hand to the waiter.

All the excitement on her face is gone as she nods, wrinkling her face like she's about to burst into tears.

"Y-Yeah, I t-think I want to throw up."

Kaneki gives her a disgusting expression.

"Gross."

The waiter arrives, he pays for her ramen, the wine and his coffee. Touka doesn't realize that he does, way too drunk to even grab her wallet and make simple accounts. She gets up from her chair, grabbing her forehead as she tries to find some balance. She stumbles on her way to the door, but Kaneki is quick enough to grab her hand and prevent her from falling. And, for Touka, it almost feels as if she's not drunk anymore, as if she's conscious of her actions, of all the bad decisions she's made today. He's not wearing the gloves this time, his skin is bare against her and his fingers squeezing hers feel like he's trying to make them part of his own skin, an act completely guided by human instincts, he didn't even think about it. Both, in silence, staring at their united hands, and Touka closes her eyes for only four strict seconds.

Just four seconds. It's all you can allow…

Barriers break, Touka comes back to be a kid again, holding his hand like she used to. Just for an instant, just for four seconds…

 _One._

During an instant, she didn't hate him at all.

 _Two._

During an instant, her hand held him firmly.

 _Three._

During an instant, she wished that he wouldn't let her go.

 _Four._

Good things don't last forever.

Touka opens her eyes, feeling light-headed, and finally decides to withdraw her hand from his tight grip. She breathes slowly, getting her shit together as she heads towards the door, whispering a soft _let's go_ while Kaneki's eyes still linger on his hand, warm by her touch. He swallows again, swallows all the shit that's threatening to drown him and follows Touka back to the street. The wind blows heavy and cold, wrapping them like the death's embrace. He keeps his own jacket on his arm, holding the umbrella as he watches Touka walk a few steps ahead of him, stumbling occasionally and looking around like she's lost. During instants, she slightly turns around to ask him stupid questions.

"Kaneki."

"What."

"Do you like Christmas?"

"No."

"Oh."

Then, she keeps on walking. He believes he should have been merciful and ask for a cab, but the truth is that the show was too good to be over _that_ soon. Walking with her in silence under a chilly Tokyo filled with Christmas lights was quite enjoyable. He would never do this with other women. Having… dates, taking them out, walking with them under the moonlight. He would just take them to his bed and forget about their names the day after, but this was different. It didn't feel lonely, even if she was drunk. He couldn't remember the last time both walked side by side like this, probably when they were children, on their way to school.

Kaneki swallows his thoughts when the sight of Touka stumbling _and_ falling on her knees makes him stop walking, however, he doesn't move a muscle. Standing behind her, with one hand in his pockets and the other holding the umbrella, he laughs. He gives a quick, mischievous smile as he makes fun of her stupid state. Groaning on the floor, turning around to give him an angry gaze.

"Stop laughing!" she complains, drawing her eyes away from him to look at her feet and the broken heel of one of her shoes. Fuck. "Ugh."

"What happened?" he asks, coming a little closer, however, he doesn't help her get up.

"My shoe…" Touka groans, taking it off. She takes the other one too, and throws them away. "I don't want them anymore!"

"Stop screaming, you're embarrassing me," he mocks.

She looks up at him, looking worried. For some reason, she doesn't listen to his words. Her mouth opens, just as her eyes.

"Kaneki."

He frowns, confused by her expression.

"What is it?"

"We… we didn't pay the check!"

Kaneki rolls his eyes.

"I did, idiot. You were just too busy drinking to realize."

"Oh."

Kaneki sighs, looking around.

"Come on, get up. I'll carry you."

Touka frowns.

"Huh?"

"Are you deaf?" he complains, losing his patience. He delivers a quick movement of his chin, trying to tell her to get up. "Come on."

She does, stumbling a bit. Touka looks confused as Kaneki kneels on the ground, waiting for her to climb his back. Her arms cling to his neck, she feels his hands hold her tights, and Touka screams when he lifts her up and starts walking. He's way too tall, taller than she remembers. Touka rests her cheek on his back, closing her eyes for a moment, feeling the soft sway of his steps carrying her through the night, the gentle breeze on her face, the lights of the city brightening her face. Everything changes once they arrive at the bridge, a huge, white bridge that they have to cross every single day to go to work. Kaneki to the CCG, Touka to her shop. She knew that they were getting closer when they arrived at the bridge, but the change of scenery didn't just make her realize that they were close to her home.

It also brought back old memories.

"We did this once, remember?" she murmurs against his back, opening her eyes and staring at the sight, feeling dreamy and sleepy against him. "On this same bridge."

She feels him sigh, his back raising softly against her.

"It wasn't this bridge. It was another one."

Touka frowns, lifting up her head.

"W-What? No, this was the bridge."

"I'm telling you it's not, Touka," he complains, always willing to disagree with her. "The other bridge is near your parent's house."

However, Touka can't hear anything that he's saying. She just hears one word.

Just one.

 _Touka._

Kaneki feels her chin resting on his shoulder. Her breath tickles his ear when she speaks.

"Touka."

He frowns, confused.

"What?"

She gives a tender smile, even if he can't see her.

"You called me Touka."

Fuck.

He _did_ say that out loud.

He's glad that she's on his back, unable to see his full face.

"I didn't."

"You did, I heard you."

"You want me to drop you to the floor again?"

Touka sighs, resting her cheek again on his back and closing her eyes after blurting out a heavy sigh.

"Whatever," she breathes. "I don't care what you call me. It's fine as long as you don't hate me."

As long as you don't hate me.

Did she thought that he…? Did he…?

Kaneki is unable to answer, unable to _think._

He keeps on walking.

 **—o—**

They arrive at her house after crossing the bridge. Touka insists him to not leave her at the door, just across the street, she doesn't want Haise to see him. She also makes him swear that he won't say anything.

"What a great future wife, lying to your husband like that."

The sweet smiles she gave him hours ago are long gone now. Now that she looks _just_ a bit sober, her hatred is back.

"Fuck off," the swearing is back too. She sighs, grabbing her head. "Thanks for the ramen, though."

"Try to eat like a lady next time, you're a mess."

Touka turns around, crossing the street as she raises her middle finger at him. That's her goodbye. And Touka doesn't turn around to look at him, not even for a second; she's clueless to his faint smile, the way he looks at his hand one more time, the place where she held him, and gives a low deep sigh.

She's completely oblivious.

After a few seconds of struggling with her purse, Touka finds her keys and manages to open the door, stumbling and making _too_ much noise by slamming the door against the wall. Shit. She's already bare, her shoes are gone, and in her drunkenness, she tries to put on the slippers that lie on the entrance, the bunny ones. Touka doesn't realize the moment that Haise comes back from their room once he stops in front of her, calling out her name and looking worried than ever. More worried than usual.

"Oh," she says, looking up at him. She leaves her purse on the floor, her right hand finding some balance by holding the wall. "Hi."

Haise frowns, staring at her messy hair, the stained sweater, the sleepy expression in her eyes. He's wearing only his yellow pajama pants, and for a moment she wonders if he was sleeping.

He looks pissed.

"Where were you?" he complains, and Touka is sure that this is the first time she's seen him this angry. "It's almost 10:00 PM."

Her brows arch in surprise, holding her breath.

"R-Really?"

Was it really that late? She didn't even make sure to check out her phone.

"I was calling you like crazy, I called Yoriko as well thinking that you were probably with her but she told me you weren't. And…" he leans a little closer, frowning deeply. "Are you… are you drunk?"

Touka closes her eyes, sighing.

"I… I just had a little drink, that's all."

"A little drink?"

She sighs, closing the door behind her and feeling her head throbbing in pain with every step she takes. Haise follows her, trying to stop her.

"Touka," he says firmly, forcing her to look at him. "Who were you with?"

Touka takes his hand, gently pulling it away from her arm.

"No one, I swear… look, I'm sorry, I know it's late," she babbles. God, she can't even keep her eyes fully open. "I… I went to the bank to pay the bills and I got hungry so… I went to eat ramen. And then I asked for a bottle of wine and lost the count. But I'm fine! Look!" she gives one step back, trying to give him a full view of her body. "I… I just lost my shoes because they were broken."

Haise stares at her with a serious expression. This isn't funny to him. At all.

"And why you didn't answer your phone? You could at least have told me where you were."

"I didn't realize it was ringing, okay?" she says, and Haise can see the anger rising in her being. She doesn't look cute anymore, or trying to smile at him and make him feel better. She looks annoyed. Annoyed and drunk. "Stop playing the invest… invist… invegtsiator with your questions."

For a moment, Touka almost feels that she sees the disappointment in his eyes. She sighs, trying to get closer to him and wrap her arms around him, but he gives one step back, stopping her. Touka frowns, confused, and Haise's gaze looks exactly like the one her father would give her whenever she did something wrong.

"This needs to stop, Touka," he says, firmly.

She doesn't get it.

"Stop what?"

"This. It's the second time you get drunk in a month, first the meeting and now? Are you gonna also get drunk for Christmas? Or in New Year? Maybe again, tomorrow? May —"

Now she looks pissed. She turns around, annoyed.

"Shut up."

Haise hurries to follow her, grabbing her arm to stop her.

"Hey, what's wrong with you?"

"Nothing is wrong with me!" Touka raises her voice, turning around to face him.

"You aren't like this, you never drink like — "

"Oh, come on! Give me a break, Haise," the sound of her voice makes him gasp. "Your mother gets drunk all the time and you never complain."

Silence.

All she hears is silence.

Something seems to die within Haise's eyes. The anger he's shown, the worry, everything was gone. Touka keeps staring at him, her face slowly contorting as the cruel realization of her words suddenly hit her. _Your mother gets drunk all the time and you never complain,_ how could she… how could she even say that? How could she? Haise isn't staring at her anymore. His eyes fall on the floor, on the wall, on everything but her. Touka feels her eyes burn with faint tears, terribly ashamed.

"H-Haise," she starts, not even sure what is she supposed to do. "I'm sorry, I — "

"It's okay," he simply replies.

"No, it's not okay," Touka gives one step, that's when he looks at her. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean — "

"It's fine," he repeats, and the lazy smirk he gives her makes her feel even more terrible. "I know you didn't mean it."

She didn't. She really, _really_ didn't. He stays silent, she imitates him, and after realizing that there wasn't anything else that she could say to fix things, Touka decides to give him some space alone.

"I… I'll take a shower," she simply adds, and turns around, heading towards their room to grab some clothes and lock herself in the bathroom, turning on the lights and releasing a heavy, painful sigh.

With teary eyes and a deep headache, Touka takes off her clothes, throwing them into the blue hamper. The cold November isn't strong enough for her to find some comfort in a warm shower. She opens the cold water and lets it run down her body once she gets inside, cold drops mixing with her tears and trying to find a cure for this stupid, unnecessary drunkenness. She should have known better, she should have known that Kaneki isn't the only one affected by his mother's behaviors. Haise had traumas too, Haise had issues as well. Issues with seeing her smoking, with seeing her drinking more than once; he wanted her to be healthy, to carry on with a healthy lifestyle, a healthy marriage, everything that lacked in his childhood, everything that his mother was unable to achieve. He had to take care of his brothers for so long, she couldn't let him take care of her like this, to worry him so much about the actions of an adult. And suddenly, her anger raises again, falling onto Kaneki. Why did he let her drink? He knew she would get like this, why didn't he try to stop her? That fucking, useless bastard.

Once the shower is over and she ends up shivering like a pig, thinking that she will probably catch a cold because of this — and she deserves it — she puts on her clothes. Just her white pajamas, the one that Haise bought her, and one of his sweaters. She smells it, bringing it to her face. Touka walks out of the bathroom and heads towards their bedroom. She stands at the entrance, insecure, when she finds Haise on their bed, reading a book as she usually does every night before going to sleep. He adverts her presence, and looks up at her, holding her gaze with parted lips. They stare at each other during five uncomfortable seconds until Touka sighs, tired, and walks towards him. She climbs the bed, getting closer until she sits on his lap and takes the book out of his hands, closing it and throwing it to the other side of the bed.

"I'm sorry," she apologizes again, looking down at his bare chest.

"It's okay."

"No, fuck, stop saying it's okay, it's not," she insists, taking courage to look at him. His eyes look softer, he's not angry anymore, but she can see that there's something off within him. Of course there is. She fucking ruined everything. "I'm sorry, I mean it. You're right, I should have called you. I should have called you so that you could at least pick me up, I had to walk all that damn path all by myself and with no shoes."

Lies. Lies. Lies.

She was truly a piece of shit, wasn't she?

At the mention of her broken shoes, Haise sighs, feeling guilty. He raises both hands, fixing her damp hair and caressing her shoulders.

"Look, I just want to know one thing, and please, bunny, tell me the truth," he says, looking at her straight in the eyes. Touka's body tenses in his arms. "Were you with someone else?"

You have to lie. You have to lie.

Lie. Lie. Lie.

She looks worried, Haise looks worried that _she_ looks worried. She can't say it. She can't.

She just can't.

"Yes," she admits, sighing and biting her lip. "I… I was with Nishiki."

At the mention of Nishiki, Haise sighs, annoyed, and throws his head back against the pillows with a deep groan escaping from his throat.

"Nishiki, of course," his eyes fall shut, trying to calm down. "Nishiki. I'm going to kill him."

Touka grimaces while he can't see her, terribly relieved that he believed her.

"I'm sorry, I know, he's an asshole, but it wasn't his fault, it was me, I'm sorry," she sighs, feeling guilty at her own words, burying her face in the palm of her hands. "I always do stupid things when I get drunk. I'm so stupid."

Stupid, stupid, stupid girl.

Haise sighs at her words, forgetting his own frustration to look at her. She feels his arms around her, pulling her down into a deep embrace. Touka responds with eagerness, leaning into his touch.

"Yes, you are a bit stupid sometimes," he jokes, kissing her forehead. "I'm sorry too, I overreacted."

"You didn't. You were right, you're always right. I won't do it again, I promise," she sighs, closing her eyes at the feeling of his heart throbbing furiously in her ear. "I'm sorry for what I said, I really didn't m — "

"Shh, it's okay, bunny, it's okay."

They stay like that for a while, holding each other until the position becomes too uncomfortable to last. Haise kisses her cheek one last time and tells her to go to sleep, he tells her that it's late, that she needs to rest. He doesn't let her go, though. Haise keeps her in his arms, kissing her forehead now and then, as he keeps on reading his book, a meticulous ritual that Touka have always made fun of. She rests her head on his chest, closing her eyes, feeling one of his hands sweetly draw patterns on her neck, something he always did to help her sleep. However, despite the sweet fragrance of his perfume, the warm feeling of his bare chest on her skin, the tender stroke of his fingertips on her neck…

The last thing that crossed her mind before falling asleep was the fact that Kaneki had called her Touka that night. After years, and years, so many years that she'd lost the account, he called her Touka again.

Not Kirishima.

 _Touka._


	4. Playing a Game of Go (part l)

**A/N:** okay, so i did end up splitting the chapter in two. Sorry for those who voted for a full chapter, but honestly I feel bad for making everyone wait so much and I rather post this now and come back with the second part very soon. This chapter is the first part of the flashback, be cautious if you're uncomfortable with abuse topics because these two parts will explore those dynamics a lot, this chapter doesn't introduce that until the end, it's the next chapter the one who will narrate the most dramatic events but still I recommend caution just in case!

I hope you all enjoy this chapter and if you liked it, please comment/reblog :') I'll try to get the next part up soon, but Longing for Sex should (probably) be the next update now. Enjoy the reading and happy holidays! ✨

* * *

 **«Yes, No, Maybe»**

 **Chapter 4:** Playing a Game of Go (part l)

* * *

It happened on Wednesday.

Somehow along the way, within the short fifteen years of her existence, she'd heard that Wednesdays were the worst days of the week. Touka didn't exactly know the why, nor was she able to recognize the lips that had shouted such statement before. Mom, maybe? Uncle Yomo? She couldn't remember. But with only fifteen years old, Touka knew that she had the world on her feet, the pulsing knowledge that only a teenager of her age was able to hold and she knew, deep inside, that something bad would happen that Wednesday.

But Touka was a strong believer in herself. No God, no energy, no magical spirits ready to save the day. She was the only source of strength that could provide her with solutions and miracles. She only needed to believe in herself, and as long as she was attentive enough to see, nothing bad around her would be able to harm her, to corrupt her, to guide her gaze away from the things that truly mattered. But feelings can't be ignored. When Touka woke up, her eyes met the ceiling for long minutes that morning, scared as if she had woken up after a bad dream. Hikari had to open the door and remind her that she was running late for school. Something inside of her told her to not go that day, to stay at home, but the other side pushed her forward to take a shower, to get dressed, to drink only two sips of juice and kiss her father's cheek when she arrived at the kitchen. Something forced her to lift up her head in audacity, to swallow her childish fear and stop believing nonsense. Maybe she dreamed something she couldn't remember, the bad feeling lingering inside of her after waking up. Yeah, maybe that was it.

Maybe.

Ayato had left the house earlier that day, and that was the first mistake Touka ever made that Wednesday. When her mother told her that Ayato had left earlier, she didn't ask why. Touka didn't ask, didn't try to realize that maybe there was a hidden reason for that. That it wasn't just the fact that Ayato hated traveling with Touka because she would embarrass him in public. It wasn't because he was a big boy now, because he wanted to travel by himself and feel older for once. Touka wonders if things could have gone differently if she had stopped him that morning, tell him that she had a bad feeling, that they should stay at home that day, watching a movie, making their parents mad, being young and stupid as they were. Touka didn't take her mother's words as a warning, and that was the first mistake Touka made that Wednesday.

Probably the first of many.

"Are you picking up Haise and Kaneki on the way to school?" Hikari asked minutes before leaving, helping Touka putting on her coat.

Touka sighed, brows arching softly as her eyes quickly traveled to the sky through the window. It was going to rain today.

"No," she simply replied. "Haise leaves early because he has baseball practice and Kaneki is an asshole."

Hikari made a pause, giving Touka's face a quick glance. Mom wouldn't miss anything at all.

"Did you guys fought?" She asked, and then, added, "with Kaneki, I mean."

Touka grimaced, knowing the kind of talk that was coming.

"Mom…"

Hikari shrugged, playing the victim.

"I'm just asking! Since I haven't seen him around lately and — "

"He doesn't have to be around all the time," Touka complained, trying to get away from her mother to adjust the coat by herself. "We're just friends. And we aren't kids anymore."

"Okay, okay! Just asking," Hikari sighed, crossing her arms and looking at the way Touka grabbed the umbrella, ready to go. "Hey. No goodbye kiss for mom?"

Touka gave her a weird look, rolling her eyes in annoyance to open the door and abandon the house with a firm shout. Touka used to complain when being compared to Ayato, but the truth was that both were extremely similar. Touka was grumpy, Ayato was even more. Touka used to run away from her parent's affection, Ayato would lock himself in his room completely if that meant that he would have to avoid a family reunion, a mother's hug, a father's kiss. _It's just a phase,_ Hikari said. _They're young, they'll get over it._ And although Touka wasn't as bad as Ayato, she would still consider herself a problematic teenager. Smoking at a young age, fighting in classroom, answering back to her superiors in disagreement; her grades were acceptable and she really liked school, but her bad temper would always ruin things for her. Still, she considered herself to be a nice girl. Even pretty. Not as perfect as Rize Kamishiro, that ugly bitch, and she knew that her boyish look and grumpy personality was always scaring people away, but she still would take her time every morning to look nice. Yoriko would always help her with that, insisting that Touka was prettier than her.

"You have nice hips, and your boobs are big. Boys like big boobs."

"Y-Yoriko!"

She arrived at school just in time after the train left her waiting for long minutes at the station. Another thing that predicted a very bad day, but Touka still tried to hush away those nasty thoughts. The air felt salty and moist from a rain that didn't seem to come, and Touka arrived at the shoe lockers with a guilty expression when one of the teachers looked down at her with annoying eyes, whispering "you're late." Touka kept on walking, groaning internally.

"It's not my fault that the stupid train arrived late," she murmured to herself when crossed the door to the shoe lockers and found the third bad thing of that day.

Yoriko was being pushed against a locker, head down and pleading, surrounded by a couple of girls that were led by Rize Kamishiro, that girl she'd hated since the first day of school and hated still, with every burning passion inside of her. Rize was pretty, and smart, and mean. She was Furuta's girlfriend, or at least that's what Touka always thought. Touka had gotten into fights with Rize many times in the past, always trying to defend Yoriko, her best friend. Yoriko was a nice and naive girl who would always be the target of every wicked prank, every nasty comment behind her back, every evil plan led by Rize and her friends. She remembered that one time, when Rize tried to be friendly with Yoriko, telling her that the guy Yoriko liked knew how she felt, and that he shared the same feelings. Yoriko believed in her words, talked to this guy and he denied everything, laughing at her with his friends until every person in school knew about the scandal, about how stupid and naive Yoriko was, about how Rize played with her like a toy, a cute doll ready to be crushed against the floor. Yoriko cried for days, and Touka had broked many noses that month.

Since that day, Rize would never miss the chance to bother her. Including Furuta _and_ his friends, a group that Kaneki also happened to be part of. Touka never understood, and she hated him for that.

And just as Yoriko was Rize's main target…

Ayato was Furuta's.

Always fighting. Always coming home with his backpack completely broken. His shirt stained with blood. A history of abuse that her parents always tried to stop, but the bad luck always seemed to be on their side. Furuta's family was well known for owning a great economic position, there was a rumor that Furuta's dad was friends with the governor or something like that, but Touka always thought those were just nonsense that Furuta made up to gain the respect of his friends. In any complicated situation, the school would always end up giving Furuta the reason, and Ayato would slowly be forgotten. Hikari insisted on changing him of school, but Ayato carried the pride in his veins like fire. He wouldn't back down, he wouldn't run away like a coward. He would rather be expelled for beating the shit out of that idiot than hiding behind her mother's skirt. But Ayato was a lone wolf; he didn't have many friends, he didn't have people who would jump in to defend him. It was always Furuta and his friends against her brother, and Ayato would fight back with all he had, with the last drop of his sweat, and loose. The only person with enough guts to defend him was Touka, and Ayato always complained.

"Stop bothering me, I can defend myself. I don't need you to babysit me. Stay out of this. Get out. Leave me alone. I don't need you. I'm not your baby."

And it hurt. It hurt that she felt so unable to help him.

And Kaneki was their friend. Their _friend_. He wouldn't take part in the situation, he wasn't even there when it happened, but it still bothered her enough that he wouldn't do something to stop it. "I told him, but he doesn't listen," he had said, that was his only excuse. And there was only one reason for why Touka wouldn't slap the shit out of him for wanting to stay out of this. Only one reason to forgive him, to be mad at him for a short while, quickly resuming the weird nature of their friendship.

Only one reason.

One that she was too embarrassed to admit out loud.

Yoriko's voice brought her back to the cruel reality as Touka came closer. Rize was standing in front of her, holding her phone and trying to record her, laughing and touching Yoriko's hair.

"I'm just trying to make you look prettier, look at the camera," Rize giggled, trying to grab Yoriko's chin to make her look at her.

Touka sighed, dropping her backpack and walking towards them to push some girls away and stand beside Rize, who quickly looked at her, almost surprised to see her arrive. Touka didn't say anything at all. Yoriko looked up at her, murmuring her name, and Touka snatched Rize's phone out of her hands, throwing it against the lockers. The phone rolled over the ground, and Touka drew her eyes away from Rize towards the floor, lifting her leg to crash the phone under her feet, a cracking sound blurting gasps out of everyone, including Yoriko. Then, her eyes looked at Rize.

"Leave her alone, or the next thing I'll break will be your face."

Then, the fourth bad thing of the day happened. Right in front of her.

Rize's eyes. As Touka pushed her aside to grab Yoriko's arm and whisper a faint "let's go, Yoriko", she noticed the way Rize looked at her phone, strands of hair covering her features, and then looked up at her. As Touka grabbed her backpack from the floor and kept on walking with Yoriko, giving Rize one last glance, Touka saw it.

The smirk.

And the rage, and the fire. A spark she never saw in Rize's eyes before. For the first time in her life, Touka felt scared. She thought Rize would jump right onto her like many times before, ready to punch her face or pull her hair, but she didn't. She just looked at her, lips curving into a tiny, ephemeral smile; and sometimes eyes can say a lot more than words. Touka swallowed hard, frowning slightly to turn around and leave that haunting stare behind. She grabbed Yoriko's arm, sighing deeply as they left the shoe lockers to venture into the hallways of the school.

"Are you okay?" Touka asked.

Yoriko nodded, quickly fixing her hair, always so worried about her appearance.

"I'm fine, really."

"You need to start defending yourself, Yoriko," Touka complained. "You can't let them treat you like that. And I'm not always going to be around to defend you."

"I know," Yoriko whispered, feeling guilty. "I already told my dad that I want to join some Karate classes."

Touka laughed, quickly forgetting everything that happened seconds before.

"What? Are you serious?"

Yoriko nodded, happy with her plan.

"Y-Yeah, I think self-defense could be useful, don't you think? I could be tough like you."

Touka smiled, leaning closer to pinch her nose. Yoriko screamed, stepping back, and Touka blurted out a laugh. She was so delicate and sweet, she couldn't imagine her learning Karate.

"Yeah, so tough."

Yoriko frowned, blushing softly.

"I mean it! I — oh!"

Yoriko's words got stuck in her throat when a sudden silhouette appeared in front of them, blocking the way. They stopped, gasping, and Touka's heart jumped out of her place when she saw her brother, Ayato, coming out of the boy's bathroom with his mouth covered in blood. He was wiping it out with his hand, spreading more of it on his chin. He looked down at her when he realized who it was, surprised.

"A-Ayato — "

He blinked, quickly shoving her away, crashing his shoulder against hers to keep on walking, avoiding the issue, avoiding the confrontation. But Touka was quick. She moved towards him, screaming his name, grabbing his arm and roughly pulling him back so he could face her. Ayato stopped, lips puffing thick air as if he was trying to battle for breath, as if he was suppressing a sob. Everyone around them delivered weird stares, already theorizing over the situation.

 _Did he get into trouble again?_

 _Did Touka hurt her own brother?_

 _I wouldn't be surprised, they say she's an abusive bitch._

 _Poor Ayato._

 _Poor? He's weird. I think he's on drugs._

 _Drugs?_

 _Yeah, that's what my father told me._

Touka could hear all of it.

"Hey!" Touka yelled, angry, grabbing his wrist to move it away from his mouth. She grabbed his chin, forcing him to look at her. "What happened? Who did this to you?"

Ayato pulled back her arm. He had gotten so tall over the years, way taller than her. He looked down at her, swallowing both his words and the blood.

"No one. Leave me alone."

He turned around, walking as fast as he could so Touka couldn't follow him.

"Ayato!" she screamed, but it was useless, he wouldn't come back

Touka turned around, fisting her hands, wanting to cry at the sight of a bunch of people looking at her from a distant corner, whispering in her direction. Touka gave them a deathly stare.

"What the fuck are you looking at?"

"T-Touka!" Yoriko tried to hold her hand, shamelessly lowering the tone of her voice.

The group rapidly vanished, each member resuming their way back to their classes, but for Touka this was definitely not over. She turned around, pushing Yoriko aside and entered the boy's bathroom. Yoriko followed suit, whimpering her name, saying that she couldn't enter the boy's bathroom but Touka kept on walking, opening every compartment with her leg, ready to start a fight with whoever hurt Ayato, but the place was completely empty. She turned around slightly, looking at her reflection in the mirror, walking towards the sink.

There were a few drops of blood, probably Ayato's. Did someone hurt him in a different place, and he came here to clean himself? What should she do? Should she tell the teachers? They wouldn't listen. They never listened.

"Touka!" Yoriko screamed at the door, unsure of entering inside. "Please, get out of there. You'll get into trouble."

Without saying a word, realizing that it was the fifth bad thing that happened that Wednesday, Touka sighed, giving one last glance to her reflection before following Yoriko to their next class.

—o—

"Hey, girlfriend!"

Touka blurted out a sigh when she entered the classroom. She had just arrived, and yet her desire to leave the place lingered inside of her like a powerful regret. _You shouldn't have come, you shouldn't have come…_

Yet, there she was.

The classroom was strangely silent despite the fact that the teacher was not around. Hide seemed to be the only one who noticed her arrival, standing up on his seat to wave his hand at her, screaming like a crazy goat. Kaneki, who was sitting in front of him reading a book, quickly flickered his eyes up to meet her, but they went back to the book as if Touka's presence wasn't that important. She also noticed Rize's gaze, sitting at the front, but Touka didn't look back. She walked towards Hide with a serious expression, sitting beside Kaneki where her spot was, and opened her backpack to grab her things and put them on the table.

"Hey, girlfr — "

"I'm not your girlfriend, Hide," Touka complained, avoiding Kaneki's presence by her side and Hide's silly laughter behind her, leaning towards the table to stay closer.

"I know, but you wish you were," he said. "By the way, do you know that I love you, right?"

Touka turned around, annoyed.

"What do you want?"

"Can you pass me yesterday's homework?" he asked, lifting up his brows. "I haven't copied it."

She sighed, irritated as she opened her book and grabbed the piece of paper, handing it to him.

"You're a fucking failure."

Hide smiled, tousling her hair.

"Ah, Touka-chan, you're an angel. Isn't she an angel, Kaneki?" Hide turned around, trying to find Yoriko. "Eh! Yoriko! Isn't Touka an angel?"

Kaneki didn't even turn his eyes away from his book. He kept on reading it, leaning his back against the wall and resting his feet on the edge of the chair in where Touka was sitting. She gave him a look, was he still mad? Yeah, he probably was. Touka sighed, leaning against the backseat, giving him a strange look.

"Hey," she said, but he didn't react. "Are you still mad?"

Kaneki kept reading in silence as if she wasn't speaking to him. Touka looked down, playing with her fingers.

"I'm… I'm sorry that I called you a bitch, okay? It was still your fault but — "

"Did you call him a bitch?!"

Touka turned around, furious as the voice of Nishiki made itself hear at the back of the classroom. He was eating sweets, sitting at the back of the class and keeping his eyes on them, his ears wide open to every single one of Touka's words. What was he even doing here? He was years older than them, he should be in a different classroom. She groaned. Hide laughed at his commentary.

"You're the only bitch in here! Mind your own business!" Touka yelled back, prompting many laughs inside the classroom.

Nishiki's voice asking Yoriko if it was true that Touka called Kaneki a bitch made her sigh with irritation when she turned around again, frowning as she stared at Kaneki, who seemed to pretend that she wasn't even there. Hide was copying the homework, eyes traveling towards them occasionally to keep a track of their conversation.

"Hey, are you listening to me?"

"Yeah, Kaneki! Are you listening?" Hide insisted.

Kaneki bit his lower lip, turning the page of his book. Was he mocking her? Touka groaned, grabbing her own book to start hitting Kaneki with it. Hide laughed, and Kaneki cursed, covering himself with his book.

"I'm," she slammed the book on his head. "fucking," the book hit his shoulder, "talking," the book crashed against his arm, "to you! Stop ignoring me!"

Kaneki slammed his book on the table, giving her a deathly look and raising his leg to kick her knee. Touka yelled, the pain spreading across her leg.

"What the fuck is wrong with you," Kaneki groaned, fixing his shirt and the mess she made after hitting him with the book.

Touka gasped, kicking his leg back to get her revenge. "I already said that I was sorry, stop being an ungrateful little shit!"

"Kirishima, the language. Nishio, for God's sake, go back to your classroom."

Kaneki and Touka's eyes quickly flickered towards the door, the professor entering in the classroom with his deathly stare already settled on them and their childish fights, the ones that many times became the center of attention in every class. Nishiki left, laughing as the teacher playfully hit his shoulder with a newspaper.

"She started," Kaneki replied, but the professor ignored him, turning down the lights to turn on the projector since they were going to watch a documentary about the Second World War, or something like that. Touka couldn't tell, since her eyes were glued to Kaneki's lips, curved into a funny and faint smile as his eyes flickered towards hers for only a second.

He… he wasn't mad?

Touka frowned, confused, as Kaneki closed every book in front of him and rested his arms on the table, burying his face in them and closing his eyes. Was he going to take a nap? Right now? Touka turned around, everybody paying attention to the documentary, others using their phones in secret, others doing the exact same thing Kaneki was doing. She sighed, tired, and followed suit. She rested her head on her arms and turned her face around to keep her eyes on him, not really being able to focus on the documentary.

He kept his eyes closed, peacefully faking a nap that she knew he wasn't taking. The light of the projector illuminated every peak of his face, every corner she had learned to memorize over the years. He didn't look like that fragile kid from the past, too scared of his mother, too quiet to blend with the shadows. He was scary now, sometimes, even to her. He would hang out with the bad boys of school, he would smoke, and say bad words, and take whatever he wanted as if belonged to him. Many people in here would avoid any kind of conflict with him; when Kaneki wanted to fight, he would fight seriously. It seemed like he didn't know any limits, like he wasn't here to play around, to forgive the ones who could hurt him. Touka suddenly realized that she was probably the only person that he was able to forgive over, and over, and over again. She'd called him a bitch for not being able to take care of his younger brothers and leave everything onto Haise. He was mad about that, he also insulted her, although Touka couldn't remember exactly what he said since she was too angry to even care. But that's how things worked between them, ever since they were really young. They would hurt each other deeply, forgetting the existence of mercy when they had to. Kaneki wouldn't treat her like a lady, and she wouldn't expect him to do the same.

Why was it always this way? After all the bad things, why were they still being friends? Why?

"Stop looking at me like that, it's creepy."

Touka gasped. Kaneki had his eyes open, looking at her with a weird expression on his face. Touka blinked, blushing under the darkness of the room, hoping that the light from the projector wouldn't put her cheeks on evidence.

"I-I'm not looking at you, I was just — " she made a pause, thinking, and Kaneki frowned, as if all the words coming out of her mouth were nonsense. She bit her lip in wonder. "Are you… you aren't mad at me, right?"

Kaneki blurted out a deep sigh. He closed his eyes again, his expression slowly relaxing. She suddenly realized how older he looked, how his prominent jaw would stand out like a knife and his lips would perish like an old desert, big and with glimpses of a teenage beard that had been shaved weeks ago. Touka stared at his lips for long minutes without realizing it.

"I'm not gonna whine like a baby just because you called me a bitch."

His lips curled into an ephemeral smirk, too small to even notice, but Touka did. She sighed, closing her eyes for a moment. Okay, right. He was not mad. Fine. Okay.

"Kaneki," the voice of the teacher made Touka look up with an awkward grin. "If I catch you speaking in my class one more time, I'll send you outside."

Kaneki sighed, not even opening his eyes to look back at him.

"Don't worry, Mr. Hamasaki, you won't catch me again," Kaneki replied, smiling a bit, and Mr. Hamasaki simply sighed, turning around to explain some points of the documentary. Touka looked at him, and Kaneki slightly opened his eyes to give her an amused and lazy expression. "Mr. Hamasaki hates me."

"I wonder why."

"I think he likes me."

Touka snorted, rolling her eyes.

"Yeah, sure."

"He's mad because I won't have a date with him. I like someone else."

What?

He… what?

Touka frowned deeply, realizing that for long minutes she'd stopped breathing. Kaneki… did he…? Her lips parted to speak, but no words came out of her mouth. Why did he…? Who…?

But… but she also…

Touka turned around, angry eyes looking out for Rize's silhouette, she was focusing her attention on the screen of her phone with boring eyes, not paying attention to the class or to the haunting eyes of Touka who were looking at her as if she deserved an explanation. It had to be Rize, who else would it be? Touka turned around to look at Kaneki who remained with his eyes closed. Why wouldn't he tell her? They were friends. Yeah, they'd fight pretty often but… she told him when Rio asked her for a date and she rejected him. She told him when Furuta kept on insisting on taking her out, making her uncomfortable, and Kaneki had to stop him. Furuta didn't ask the same question again after that. She'd told him everything. They promised that they would never lie to each other, at least that's what Touka made him promise when they were younger, when they didn't feel the need to keep secrets from each other. If he liked someone, why wouldn't he tell her too? For some reason, her eyes started to burn. She blinked a couple times, gasping, and buried her face in her arms, hiding her expression from everyone else, even from Kaneki. It wasn't fair. It wasn't fair at all.

Hours passed tortuously slow until the bell rang, putting an end to that stupid documentary. The teacher kept on speaking, talking about the importance of the war and that they needed to make an essay about it for tomorrow, but Touka couldn't really think of anything else. Her mind was focused on only one thing the entire time.

I like someone.

 _I like someone._

Ugh.

The lights of the classroom turned on, all the students started getting up from their chairs to go out, some of them stood there to eat their lunch, but Touka remained in her place with her eyes lost in the desk, not really knowing what to do. It was then when she felt it. Kaneki had already walked out of the desk, and after passing behind her to go to the other side, his fingers lightly patted her naked arm as if he was trying to catch her attention. Touka looked down, feeling his touch, and then her eyes flickered upwards to meet him. He was heading towards the door, his face looking back at her. He moved his chin in a quick motion, a "let's go" kind of motion. Touka held her breath. Did… did he want her to follow him? Maybe he wanted to tell her about the girl he liked? Touka blinked, nodding softly, and got up from the chair to follow him. She was about to cross the door when her face turned around to look at Yoriko, wanting to tell her with her eyes that she was leaving. Yoriko smiled at her, nodding furiously, raising her hand and showing an encouraging thumbs up. Touka turned her face away, terribly ashamed.

Kaneki's steps led the way, and Touka followed suit, playing with her hands at the front of her skirt. They walked, and walked, even when Touka didn't know where he was heading to, where he was taking her. They soon abandoned the hallways, leaving them behind just as everything else, and ventured around the campus, Kaneki slowing down his pace just to wait for her so both could start walking side by side. For a moment, everything felt quiet.

Their footsteps rattling against the broken leaves of a sad autumn, the impatient wind stirring her hair, forcing her to hide her hands in the pockets of her jacket. Touka looked up at the sky, grey and brewing a storm that felt too uneasy, too alarming to ignore. She could hear thunders roaring in the distance, echoing a danger that she was unable to perceive.

"A storm is coming," she faintly whispered.

"Mmh," he simply replied.

Kaneki turned his face around, scrolling over her entire features, taking two cigs from his pocket. One for him, one for her. Touka's eyes quickly traveled to his hand, offering her the cigarette. She took it with a sigh, pressing it in between her lips, staring at the way Kaneki grabbed his lighter and covered the flame with the palm of his hand to hide it from the wind. He held the lighter there for a couple seconds, she felt the warm essence of his body colliding against her skin, protecting her from the wind just as his hand was protecting the flame of the lighter. Her eyes fell shut as the fume slowly traveled down her lungs and Kaneki quickly moved away, turning on his own. They kept walking for a little while, not caring if they were caught up smoking, and silently watching Haise and his team playing baseball across the field. They got a little closer, smoking in silence in front of the wire fence.

Haise was running with his uniform covered in dirt, trying to grab the ball and holding the bat in his hand, his hair looking fluffier than ever due to the tragic weather and the crazy motion of his body, running from one place to another and hearing his comrades screaming his name like madmen. Touka giggled. He looked very cute.

"Come on, Haise!" she screamed, hoping that he would hear her voice. Haise stopped, looking around until he found her eyes across the field. "You can do it!"

As it was expected, Haise smiled. He laughed, waving his hand at them, walking backward until his feet betrayed him and he stumbled back, butt falling directly on the grass. Kaneki laughed, mocking him, and Touka did too.

"God, he's such an idiot," she joked, shaking her head as her feet began to move, walking away from the field.

"He is," Kaneki agreed.

They slowly marched towards the stone stairs that were usually used to watch the guys play in the field, and sat there, smoking in silence. Touka could hear the sound of the trees dancing above her, the crows screaming occasionally, the steady breathing of Kaneki by her side. Her gaze moved to the side as her fingers played with her cig, staring at the way his lips expulsed the smoke with delicacy, the broadness of his shoulders. Suddenly, she knew she couldn't take it anymore.

"Kaneki," she breathed, heart throbbing furiously. "Do you like Rize?"

She saw him blink a couple times, the junction of his brows slowly wrinkling in confusion. He expulsed the fume from his nose, slightly turning around to look at her while resting his elbows on his knees.

"What?"

She hated him. She hated the way he looked at her. Like a stupid little rabbit. It took her completely. With eyes that had the power to scour inside your bones so deeply, so strongly, holding no mercy to tear them apart.

"You said you liked someone. Is it Rize?"

Kaneki pressed the butt of his cig in between his lips, speaking as it moved.

"Why do you care so much?"

Touka sighed, rolling her eyes and looking away. At the field, at the trees, at a storm hiding behind the clouds, at everything but him.

"Forget it," she answered, not realizing the shaky tone of her voice. Thin as a tendril, weak as her heart.

She heard him sigh.

"You're so stupid sometimes," he replied, raising his hand to slightly hit the top of her head. She turned around, hissing. "I don't like her."

Touka blinked a couple times, repressing a sigh, repressing everything she'd been keeping inside of her for months. Somehow, her startled expression provoked in him a funny smirk that he hid by focusing his attention on his cigarette, looking around with his head up. There was something fierce about the gesture, something that reminded Touka of documentaries she'd watched about lions, the way they would raise their heads and sniff the air for prey.

"Do you like Rio?" he suddenly asked, still keeping his eyes in the sky, the air, the trees.

Touka frowned.

"Huh?"

Kaneki turned his gaze to her, and there was no smirk, no spark in his eyes, nothing else but a deep curiosity and… fear? Doubt?

"Rio. Do you like him?"

Rio?

It took a time for Touka to react, to feel trapped by his reaper eyes and shake her head repeatedly, still not processing the words coming out of his mouth.

"N-No," she simply replied in a whisper. Touka cleared her throat, looking away in an uncomfortable embarrassment. "Uh, he's an asshole."

Kaneki lowered her gaze to her knee, as if he was thinking about something else. She watched him part his lips, her hands sinking firmly into her seat as if she was preparing herself for his words. What was he going to say? She waited, patiently, and just when she thought she'd heard his deep voice starting to form words, a cheerful one made her look away almost immediately, worried and angry of being interrupted in the middle of such an interesting conversation.

Her anger reached its highest peak when she saw Furuta walking towards them from the distance, waving his hand at Kaneki with a beaming, dazzling, annoying smile. Touka sighed, gasping and firmly holding the cig in between her fingers.

"Great," she simply said, turning her gaze around to avoid Furuta's presence and lead the cig to her lips, wanting to calm herself down.

Kaneki frowned, confused, and looked around until he saw Furuta screaming his name, getting closer and closer until he was climbing the stairs towards them.

"Where were you?" Furuta greeted once he reached the top, slightly patting Kaneki's shoulder in a friendly manner. "I was looking out for you everywhere."

Kaneki smirked, leading the cigarette to his lips.

"You just can't live without me, right?"

Furuta laughed, way too cheerfully.

"Ah! Stop putting me on evidence. Have you seen Torso today?"

Kaneki gave a disgusting expression.

"Why are you even looking out for that freak."

"I have a favor to ask him," Furuta replied, giggling.

"A favor?"

"Ah! Can't tell. It's a secret, you'll probably find that out later," Furuta stopped, eyes traveling towards Touka as if he just realized that she was there. He made a pause, smiling softly. "Hi there, pretty girl."

Touka slowly expulsed the fume out of her lips, avoiding any kind of eye contact with him.

"Go fuck yourself," she simply replied.

However, Furuta found that amusing. He started laughing, patting Kaneki's shoulder as if he wanted him to laugh too. Kaneki didn't smile, he kept on smoking in silence, looking around at the field.

"Ah, you really have a dirty mouth, don't you? Didn't your parents teach you how to speak like a lady?"

Touka drew her eyes towards him, annoyed

"Not with dickheads like you."

Furuta wrinkled his face, grabbing his chest as if she'd just stabbed him with her words.

"Oh, don't say that. You hurt me. I'm actually very kind, especially to you. You're the one who makes things hard between us. I already asked you out but you keep rejecting me, when are you going to change your mind?" Furuta smiled, always smiling, always pretending, always putting on a show. He giggled, like a boy who was caught up doing something naughty. "If you keep rejecting me, I may have to force you."

Then, he laughed. As if he just told the funniest joke in the world.

Touka bit her inner cheek real, real hard.

"Didn't your mommy teach you how to back down when a girl says no?" Touka replied, and heard Kaneki's tired sigh. Furuta's expression was already changing, leaving the smile behind, lips twitching with something that she knew would be a reason to make her regret the choice of words. But Touka was impulsive, like a fire unable to douse. "Oh, but… you don't have a mommy. Shit, sorry, I didn't mean to offend you. Really."

Silence.

Kaneki parted his lips to speak. Touka never knew what he was going to say, nor Furuta. The clown smiled, swallowing the bitterness of her comment and using it against her.

"You think you're too funny, aren't you?"

Touka sighed, looking away, already searching for a place to throw her cigarette and leave.

But Furuta continued.

"A bold girl. I like bold girls. I like girls who put up a fight. _When_ I get my date, I'll do the job and teach you some lady manners. We'll start with that naughty mouth of yours, so don't worry too much."

Her eyes gave him a deathly stare.

"Try me."

Touka got up from the stair, throwing her cig to the ground and grabbing her backpack. She turned around slightly, giving one last stare to Kaneki. He was still smoking, eyes focused on anything but them.

"See you later," she simply added, avoiding Furuta's gaze on her as she started to walk away from them, getting lost in the distance and feeling thunders roar above her.

Furuta watched her leave with a dangerous grin. He took a seat beside Kaneki, sighing deeply.

"I'll get my date one day, though. Just wait and see."

Furuta felt the fume from Kaneki's cigarette gently landing on his face. Kaneki sighed, throwing his cigarette to the ground and looking tired than ever, like a man with too many past experiences, with too much lack of patience.

"She's mine, Furuta."

Kaneki's words fell on top of Furuta like a sudden rain that he wasn't expecting. Furuta frowned, drawing his eyes away from the path where Touka disappeared and landed his eyes on his friend. Furuta was not a person easy to impress, but this time, he was shocked. Kaneki looked at him like a child who needed easy words to understand the cruel world around them,

Kaneki certainly believed that, sometimes, Furuta was indeed like a child.

"Huh?"

"Touka," Kaneki explained. "She's mine."

Furuta blinked. He gave a gentle gasp, lips smiling in confusion.

"Yours?"

Kaneki nodded.

"Yes, mine. So you can't have her. Find someone else," Kaneki yawned, getting up from his seat to stretch like a feline. Like the young lion he was. He looked down at Furuta, who was still trying to process the meaning of Kaneki's haunting words. He smiled down at his _friend_ , patting his shoulder. "Come on, let's go and eat something. I'm starving."

Kaneki didn't realize the way Furuta looked back at him. When Kaneki started climbing down the stairs, not turning around to wait for his friend to follow him, he didn't see the dangerous curiosity lingering in Furuta's eyes. A spark that should have been a warning for something Kaneki didn't understand, something that no one was expecting that Wednesday. He was clueless.

Clueless.

—o—

Abuse is noiseless. It isn't loud, it isn't present. It happens quietly, and when you turn around to look at it, to find it, it's not even there anymore. It's gone.

One moment, it's there. But suddenly, there's just nothing at all, like a phantom. But every pain has its limit, every noise reaches its highest peak. Ears aren't deaf, maybe momentarilly, for a short period of time. But if you're smart enough to see, attentive enough to hear, it will call out to you. No matter what.

That Wednesday, the call had Yoriko's voice.

Touka was aimlessly wandering around the chilly yards of the school after two hours class, not really knowing where she was going. Maybe it was destiny the one who put her there, with no place to go, with no plan in mind, completely unoccupied. The sky was roaring a rain that refused to arrive, like if it was waiting for the right moment. Then, Touka heard it. Yoriko's voice, screaming her name, calling out to her with a voice that froze every muscle in her body, every heartbeat pumping blood. Touka had turned around, confused, to find Yoriko running towards her, stopping with tears in her eyes and a chest that was rapidly trying to catch its breath. Touka grabbed her shoulders, worried. Did Rize had bothered her again? Did…?

"Hey!" Touka yelled. "What — "

"A-Ayato," Yoriko breathed, looking up at her. "Furuta… t-they have him, the rooftop — "

It didn't take more than that for Touka to start running.

Ayato. Furuta. Rooftop.

That was simply enough.

And Touka ran. She ran as fast as she could, anger and pain consuming every cell in her body, her soul praying to not faint in the middle because her brother needed her, her _baby_ brother needed her. And there was nothing in this world that Touka wouldn't do to protect him. She would kill, tear apart, destroy just to keep him safe, even if he would reject her affection and rapidly forget about her help.

With Ayato, Touka didn't know any limits.

And with Furuta seemed to happen the same thing.

Touka pushed students and teachers along the way, hearing her last name being shouted for her imprudence but she was deaf to any kind of human sound. She could only hear Yoriko's words in her mind. Ayato. Furuta. Rooftop. Nothing more. She ran until her knees ache, until her breath abandoned her body after climbing up one stair after stair, until she thought she wouldn't make it and arrived at the highest floor in school, furiously pushing the door open to enter the rooftop and finally see the sixth bad thing that happened that Wednesday.

She should have stayed home.

Her heart was already crying even if the tears wouldn't come out of her eyes yet.

She should have stayed home.

Furuta and Rize, their friends, a bunch of kids she didn't know, they were all laughing like a herd of hyenas, holding phones in their hands. Ayato, her baby brother, her sweet and kind brother, was pushed against a wall, face covered in blood. Two guys were grabbing him by the arms, keeping him steady and preventing him to put up a fight. Touka stared in horror at the way Furuta smacked his cheek with his fist, laughing when Rize pointed out that she did catch it on her phone. Touka gave one step, and the door being shouted behind her due to the wind made Furuta and everyone else look around until they found her eyes.

Ayato looked up too, trembling and desperate at the sight of her. He did not want her there, Touka knew that, and his lips whispered her name.

Furuta smiled when he saw her, coming closer.

"Touka-chan!" he yelled, lifting up his arms to both sides, welcoming her. "I was wondering when were you going to drop by. I was worried that you would join us a little _too_ late, but you're just in time, actually. So, tell me, should we start with your brother first or do you wanna give us the honor?"

Honor?

Touka shivered, fisting her hands.

"Honor of what?" she asked in a whisper.

Furuta smiled. He leaned closer, raised his hand and grabbed her chin.

"To start up the show, pretty girl."

Touka swallowed, trembling in his hand.

She should have stayed home.


	5. Playing a Game of Go (part ll)

**«Yes, No, Maybe»**

 **Chapter 5:** Playing a Game of Go! (part ll)

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 **A/N:** okay, i'm super excited for this chapter, it took me a while to finish because honestly this is probably the most important chapter in the story, the one i planned the most, so i wanted it to be perfect and i'm very very happy and satisfied with the result! also! YNM reached 100 kudos on AO3 with only 4 chapters, yay! Thank you to all the people who left kudos in the story, it means a lot. This will be the final chapter of their flashback years, so i'll be back with the present tense in the next chapter *dies of happiness*

I hope you enjoy and please, if you liked the fic, a comment on the fic or even kudos are more than appreciated :') feedback is always welcome. See you next time!

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 _It's like the scattering wind, so I try to find it_  
 _But it's like an undiscoverable path_  
 _I can't hold on, to the distancing fate_  
 _So my heart is letting you go_  
 **—Wind, Jung Seung Hwan.**

 **—o—**

Somehow along the way, within the short fifteen years of her existence, she'd heard that Wednesdays were the worst days of the week. Touka didn't exactly know the why, nor was she able to recognize the lips that had shouted such statement before. Mom, maybe? Uncle Yomo? She couldn't remember.

She couldn't remember.

But the las thunder roaring in the sky reminded her of that.

Touka looked above her. For a moment, she allowed her eyes to move away from Furuta's smiling face, from Ayato's appalled expression. She just stared at the sky, feeling the wind watering her eyelids, fluttering her hair, freezing her skin. She heard a voice, distorted by all the things that she was trying to ignore; it sounded like coming out from underwater, like the noises you would hear by being submerged in the sea, waves crashing against your body until you disappear.

During an instant, Touka didn't realize that Rize was talking to her.

"Are you deaf?" Rize said, approaching a little.

Touka lifted up her gaze, completely numb. She was still trying to process the situation, trying to think of what to do, what to say, how was she going to get Ayato out of this mess? It didn't matter what they could do to her, it didn't matter at all. All Touka wanted to do was to make them free Ayato, make them swear that they wouldn't hurt him like this ever again. If it meant that she had to stay calm, to think with a cold brain, then —

"Did a kitty ate your tongue?" Rize came a little closer, being meticulously observed by Furuta right behind her. She raised her hand in the air, pushing Touka's shoulder in a teasing manner, forcing her to step back. "What's wrong? Why don't you answer?"

Touka sighed, trying to form the words, slowly losing her patience.

"Come on," Rize pushed her shoulder again, gaining a deathly stare from Touka. "Are you scared?"

She pushed her again.

"Rize…"

"You're trembling, what's wrong?" She pushed her again. "Come on, don't be scared," push. "It's because of Ayato?" Touka stumbled back. "Does it bother you?" Another push. "Tell me."

Touka groaned, stepping forward to lift up her fist and smash it right against Rize's eye.

"Shut up!" Rize fell to the ground, and Touka followed, quickly forgetting her plan of thinking things straight, the flame in her heart rapidly increasing its fire. "I'm gonna kill you!"

Giggles and gasps of surprise were heard all over the rooftop. Touka roughly pulled Rize's hair, scratched her face, felt Rize's body fighting back, insulting her and crying for Furuta's help. They rolled all across the floor, pulling and punching and screaming and yelling. It was a risky move, Touka knew that, for this would just make matters worse. She didn't realize how serious this was until her mouth started bleeding, until her eye ached like hell, burning and throbbing like never before. After a while, she felt two big hands grabbing her arms to separate her away from Rize. One of Furuta's friends did the same with her, trying to stop her from lunging forward again. She didn't realize that it was Torso the one holding her, that large, skeleton, weird guy who was a total freak. His presence always made her feel weird, and the feeling seemed to intensify as he held her.

Furuta sighed, a little bored, and gave a few steps until he stopped in front of Touka.

Then, he smacked her face. Out of nowhere, without a warning, he lifted up his hand and delivered a simple but painful slap that made Ayato scream her name in agony, desperate and unable to help her. Touka groaned, grimacing, head down and hair covering her features. From between the locks of hair blocking her view, she stared at the way Ayato tried to break free from his captors, gaining a kick on his stomach, an aggressive attempt to make him shut up. The whole situation was a mess, and the anger in Touka's heart was slowly vanishing away. She just wanted this to stop.

Touka closed her eyes when the first drop of an anticipated storm crashed against her forehead, following a path through her cheek like a tear. Then the second drop fell, and a third, until a pouring rain started to wash away the blood of her mouth, staining her school uniform, making her shiver from both cold and fear. So this is how it was? How cruel could nature be? They've all been waiting for a storm since the morning, but it seemed as if the rain was waiting for _this_ moment instead, to make her look pathetic under a glassy sky, stained in blood and tears, being held by someone else and unable to defend herself. Her body felt numb as the tears followed, mixing with the rain, prompting quiet sobs that made Furuta laugh.

"S-Stop…"

Furuta frowned, leaning slightly.

"Huh? I didn't hear you."

"Stop!" Touka yelled, trying to release her arms but Torso, despite being a skinny little shit, was deeply strong. "You can laugh all you want now but I swear that I will — "

Furuta sighed, disrupting her. He looked at Torso, nodding, and he released her. Another guy replaced him, firmly holding her hair at the back of her nape, and Touka watched in horror as Torso marched towards Ayato, punching him in the face.

"What were you saying? That you will what?" Furuta asked, pretending to be confused.

Touka didn't even look at him.

"Ayato!"

"Come on," Furuta looked at his friends. "Take your phones."

Torso hit Ayato again, and again, and _again_ , until Ayato fell on his knees and Torso had to lift him up from the ground by pulling his hair, fighting Ayato's resistance.

Rize groaned, bleeding and irritated.

"Just _end_ her already! She broke my fucking phone!" she screamed, staring at Furuta.

He sighed, scratching his forehead in annoyance.

"Yes, Rize, I heard you once, no need to repeat it again," he made a pause, biting his lower lip. "Torso."

Torso laughed, giving Furuta a quick glance to seek his permission. Furuta nodded slightly, waiting, and Torso's hands rapidly traveled to Ayato's buck belt, fighting against it until Touka heard her brother's cry and that was enough for her to start crying too, to start begging and crashing her pride at all costs. She tried to release her arms, being held tighter than ever.

"S-Stop, stop dammit!" she cried, gaining Furuta's attention. "I know what you want! You want me, isn't it? I'll do whatever you want, just leave him alone!"

Torso looked at Furuta, stopping for a moment. Ayato groaned, angry, trying to get away from Torso's grip. Furuta sighed, looking interested.

"Whatever I want?" he asked, doing a sign with his hand so his friend would release her. She gasped when he did, breathing furiously.

Touka nodded, repressing her tears. Furuta leaned closer, grabbing her cheeks with fingers sinking deep into her skin.

"Say it again."

"Y-Yes! Yes… fuck, j-just let him go."

"Beg me."

 _Beg._

Touka felt broken.

"P-Please," she sobbed. "I b-beg you, let him go."

"Touka, stop!" Ayato screamed, horrified to see his sister shattering her pride, her honor, only for him. For a coward piece of shit who wasn't even able to protect himself, to protect his _sister_. This was his job, his duty, no matter how many times he'd tried to push her away, to avoid her company, to ignore her presence. Touka was his sister, and he _had_ to protect her. He couldn't let this happen, he couldn't.

"Shut up, Ayato!" Touka yelled back, feeling herself growing angry as well.

Furuta laughed.

"You two are adorable," he sighed, scratching his chin, nodding a few times as he thought about the situation. "Well then. Get on your knees."

Touka stood there for a moment, staring at him with parted lips.

 _Get on your knees._

What the hell was he going to do?

She shivered, biting her lip, looking around to see everyone holding their phones, not caring about the rain or the blood that was scattered all across the floor where Ayato was standing, crying and looking horrified for whatever thing Touka was going to be willing to do in order to save him. Touka looked down at the floor, cleaning the blood off her nose, and after a few seconds of self-preparation, she took the courage to bend one knee, then the other, shivering at the cold caressing her skin, the pain, the rain feeling heavy upon her.

Touka pressed her hands to her knees, staying there for a moment, trying to not look at her brother.

Furuta nodded, pleased with himself.

"You look pretty in that position," he took his phone, looking down at her. "Now. Take off your shirt."

Touka closed her eyes, already knowing what was coming. She begged in silence. She begged for Ayato's forgiveness. _I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm sorry that you have to see this, I'm sorry that I wasn't strong enough to protect you, to prevent it. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry, Ayato._

With quivering hands and bloody lips, Touka's fingers traveled to her shirt to start unbuttoning the buttons, one by one, hearing Ayato's screams intensify their strength.

"You fucking… s-stop, idiot! Stop it!"

Touka didn't even want to look at him. He gained a punch in the face for screaming, for complaining and wanting to prevent this madness. Touka closed her eyes, throwing her shirt to the ground once it was off, rain hitting her skin directly and making her gasp. She was now in her black bra, knowing that she would end up catching a severe cold after such exposure. However, a stupid cold was now the last of her concerns, she didn't feel naked at all, for she was clothed in rage and fire. She didn't look at Furuta when he stared down at her, inspecting her silhouette, biting his lip and hearing the whistles from his friends at the sight of a half-naked girl.

Touka stood there, shivering, waiting for something she didn't expect. What was next? What?

"Why do you stop? Keep going," Furuta insisted, getting himself comfortable.

Touka pressed her lids shut, swallowing hard and hearing Ayato's pleas come alive for the first time in years. She never thought she would hear him pleading for her with such intensity. _Please, please let her go! Do what you want with me, but fucking leave her! I'll kill you all, bastards! Touka, don't do it! Don't!_

What a mess, huh.

Words have the power to destroy you. They're like the pale shadows of forgotten names. Words can light fires in the mind of men. Words can wring tears from the hardest hearts. They can make a person love you, they can make a person betray you. Words are like fire, and every single word coming out from Ayato's lips felt like flames burning her skin. Because of this, we can fully comprehend how dangerous it can be to carry a mask on our faces for too long. We all become what we pretend to be, and Touka couldn't become _this_. She was strong, she was so strong, yet she felt weaker than ever, unable to put on a mask and pretend that she had everything under control, because she didn't. She didn't. She couldn't smile, she couldn't fight back, and there was no one around her that could drag her away from this madness. _Mom, dad, p-please…_

 _Please, someone… don't leave me alone, don't —_

Then, she heard it.

A deep, boisterous sound. Strong, stunning, eclipsing every universe, every thunder above, every tear, every nasty comment, and Furuta's smile and Ayato's cries evaporated in the air like stars when Touka heard the door being open, the sound crashing against her being and Kaneki stepping on the rooftop as if he was the special guest in such a terrible party. She turned around immediately, stopping her attempt to get rid of her remaining clothes, and everything around her felt submerged into a dark ocean. Her heart was filled with a fire that didn't burn and as Kaneki gave one step, and another, and another… for some strange reason, Touka felt safe.

That's how extravagant love is, coming at you at the most unexpected moment, in times of need. Kaneki's silhouette was drenched in rain as his eyes traveled around the scene. The first person he looked at was Touka. Half-naked, soaking wet, kneeling on the ground and looking miserable. She saw a spark in his eyes as he looked at her, unable to decipher it. His eyes then traveled towards Furuta, who surprised to see him there, smiling at his presence. If Kaneki was mad, Touka didn't notice. His face was pale, blank, no expression at all. He wasn't wearing his glasses, and didn't seem to care about the rain. He walked towards her, completely silent, ignoring Furuta's greetings.

"Ah, so good that you're here! Come on, join us."

Kaneki ignored him, he didn't even look at him. He walked towards Touka, grabbing her by the arm to help her stand, and took off his damped coat to cover her bareness. Touka realized that his fingers were trembling furiously as he adjusted the coat on her shoulders.

She looked up at him.

"K-Kaneki…"

He turned around this time, walking towards Ayato who was heavily panting at the sight of him. Kaneki pushed the guys who were keeping him still, throwing Torso to the ground, and grabbed Ayato's arm to drag him to where Touka was. Ayato crashed against her body, firmly holding her arms and asking if she was okay, but Touka couldn't pay attention. She couldn't even think straight when Kaneki bent down and grabbed a metal stick that was lying on a corner, near the entrance. It looked like a tube, a heavy, rusty tube, and Touka's heart started throbbing furiously at the question that popped out inside her head.

What the hell was he going to do with… _that_?

Kaneki held the stick, trying to get a nice grip, and sighed, looking at Furuta.

"Go," he said, and Touka knew he wasn't talking to Furuta. He was talking to her. He wanted them to leave.

Touka frowned, terrified.

"What are you — "

"I _fucking_ said go," he repeated, and this time his eyes landed on her, a nameless fury burning inside of them.

Touka froze in her place. Ayato gasped, grabbing her arm and trying to drag her out of there.

"Come on, idiot!" Ayato yelled, taking her towards the entrance, desperate to escape.

"No, wait!" she yelled, still looking at Kaneki. The challenging look on Furuta's face, the way Kaneki didn't even turn around to look at them as they crossed the door, still holding that stick… her heart was about to burst out of her chest.

"We need to get out of here!" Ayato yelled, shutting the door after they left and running down the stairs with his hand firmly holding Touka's.

She gasped when she heard a noise, a really, really loud noise coming out from the rooftop, but it was too late already to turn back. They started running, rain crashing on them as Touka gasped, eyes looking out for a teacher, for Haise, for anyone who could stop whatever the hell Kaneki was doing up there. She found Yoriko, under the rain, crying and standing on a corner. They ran towards her.

"Yoriko!"

"T-Touka! Oh… oh my God…" she sobbed, staring at the blood on her face, the blood on Ayato's clothes.

"H-Help me find a teacher! Kaneki is up there with Furuta and he… h-he…"

"I was the one who told him!" Yoriko cried, covering her mouth. "I was worried that you went there by yourself so I told him… you didn't come back so I… I… God, I'm so sorry!"

Ayato groaned, still holding Touka's hand.

"We need to leave!"

"Ayato!" Touka screamed back. "Kaneki is — "

"Who cares! You're hurt! And you're fucking naked too!" he looked desperate, the grip on her hand increasing its intensity.

"I-I'll get help, let's get inside quickly," Yoriko said, grabbing Touka's hand and running along with them way to the hallways, searching for someone who would help them.

The same thought of that morning arrived at the doors of her mind again.

She should have _fucking_ stayed home.

 **—o—**

The hallways of the principal's office are always quiet. Some secretaries making coffee here and there, walking towards someplace that no one knows, following a boring monotony guided by common monotonies that no one cares about. But not today.

Not today.

When Touka got the help she needed, when she and Ayato were sent to the principal's office, when she sat in the hallways, waiting for her parents to come after the secretaries called them out, explaining the painful situation… Touka froze in her place when she heard the words, words that maybe she wasn't supposed to hear.

Things that sounded like _he was sent to the hospital_ and _he lost a tooth_ and _he broke his leg, and his nose,_ _all with a tube_ , _the other tall kid is hurt too, I don't know about the rest_ and Touka couldn't take it any longer. What the fuck. What the fuck just happened. She shed tears in silence, staring at Ayato who was inside the office along with Kaneki, sitting there and talking to the principal. Touka had already talked to him but, apparently, he wanted to know the truth behind the situation at all costs, and wanted to unravel each version before making any conclusions.

Touka got up from the chair to grab some coffee from one of the machines, dressed in new clothes and wrapped in a large blanket that one of the secretaries gave her to protect herself from the cold. She was waiting for her coffee in a corner when she heard steps getting closer and closer, her name being shouted by her mother's voice.

"Touka!"

She turned around, gasping at the sound, the sight of Mom and Dad running towards her made her heart ache terribly. She forgot about the coffee and walked towards them, sighing when Hikari instantly wrapped her in a firm embrace, followed by Arata's arms, and Touka quietly sobbed against her chest.

"I'm sorry, I'm so s-sorry," she apologized.

"Shh," Hikari cried, stroking her hair. She pulled away almost immediately, her eyes were swollen and full of tears, but there was also a nameless anger inside of her, the anger of a mother whose children got hurt because of someone else. "Where's Ayat — "

Touka pointed out the office immediately, eager for them to go and check him out. Hikari nodded, Arata quickly kissed the top of he head and both ran towards the office, getting inside without knocking as Touka observed the scene through the window. They lunged towards Ayato, Hikari's hands holding his face and checking his wounds. Then, she proceeded to hug Kaneki, Touka saw Hikari's lips whispering things to Kaneki's ear, sobbing softly. She then turned around towards the principal, and that's when the hallways got noisy for the first time in a while. Touka could hear Hikari's voice filling every corner of the aisles, shouting at the principal and demanding an explanation, a solution for years and years of abuse.

It was a heartbreaking thing to see, and the secretaries comments were also a heartbreaking thing to _hear._

"With that kid in the hospital, I doubt he's gonna get out of this mess so easily."

"Have you tried contacting his mother?"

"Yeah, but no one answers, there's no other phone on the list."

"What a mess, who's gonna pick him up then? They won't let him leave without an adult."

"Who knows."

God…

This was all her fault. Kaneki got into this mess because of her, because she wasn't strong enough to protect her brother. Was he going to get expelled? They wouldn't forgive him for this, not if Furuta's family decided to take action, which she knew they would. Touka wiped a tear, trembling, when the rushed noise of steps behind her made her jump out of her place.

She turned around, frowning, and saw Haise running towards the office with all the strength he had, with the force that only an athlete could possess. She saw him running many times before in the field, playing baseball, and he was the faster member of the team. But she never saw him running as fast as this, so fast that he didn't even see her there, standing with a cup of coffee in her hands. He ran past her, eyes filled with sorrow and worry as he stopped in front of the two secretaries, asking for explanations.

"What happened, where's my brother!"

The woman tried to stop him by placing her hands on his shoulders, an absurd attempt to appease the flame of his heart.

"He's inside but you can't come in, Haise, we tried to call your mother but she didn't answer, you'll have to wait for — "

"You don't need to call my mother, I'm the one in charge of him," Haise explained, and it was the first time Touka heard harshness in his voice, a sharp and cold tone that had nothing to do with the cheerful and kind Haise that she always knew. "I'm his brother, let me in."

"Haise — "

"Don't you understand?" the tone of his voice escalated quickly, trembling softly as he spoke. Touka never saw him so desperate in her entire life. "He needs me. Please, let me in, I'll talk to the principal."

One of the secretaries sighed, giving up and opening the door for him. The discussion ceased once he entered, Kaneki got up from his chair almost immediately at the sight of his brother, his older brother, running towards him to pull him into a firm embrace. Touka swallowed hard at the scene. Haise was crying, wrapping his firm arms around his little brother and stroking his hair, whispering things she couldn't hear. What really, really tore her apart, was the fact that after a few moments of hesitation, Kaneki hugged him back. Kaneki, who would always run away from Haise's affection just as Ayato would run away from hers, was hugging him, was letting himself feel loved for the first time in a while and willing to share that feeling with Haise.

Haise joined Hikari's voice and both started arguing with the principal. Touka walked towards one of the chairs, taking a seat, waiting for the discussion to be over, but it seemed to be an endless void. After almost half an hour, Kaneki walked away from the office, opening the door and entering the hallways. Touka, who was sitting in one of the chairs, waiting and hearing her mom's voice yelling at the principal, looked up at him, for a moment thinking that the discussion was over, but it wasn't. For some reason, they allowed Kaneki to abandon the office. Kaneki closed the door slowly, taking a seat in the chair beside him, a few steps away in front of Touka. His eyes didn't meet hers not even once, he sat there, with his elbows resting on his knees, looking down and playing with his hands, hands that were broken and shattered. Knuckles red and swollen, eye throbbing and red, cheekbones scratched and lips completely chapped, even his clothes were filled with dry blood, he didn't even take a moment to change them, to take a shower, to heal his wounds. Touka looked at him for a while, not knowing what to say. Was there even something that she could say? Thank you? Thank you for saving my brother? Because it wasn't about her, even if maybe that was Kaneki's intention. She didn't care about what Furuta could do to her; for Touka, Kaneki's intervention was all about Ayato, and Touka felt like the upcoming years wouldn't be enough to pay that debt, to thank him for a help she never asked in the first place.

Haise's voice was raising up in ways she never heard before, and by the look on Kaneki's face, she knew that he never heard him yell that way either. Touka got up from her chair, gaining a quick look from Kaneki, and she headed towards the secretaries' office, the two women sitting behind their desks and flicking up their gazes at the sight of her.

"Do you have an emergency kit?" Touka asked softly.

One of them nodded, getting up to walk towards a locker and take a small white box with a red cross on the top, she delivered it with a face that showed nothing but concern.

"There you go."

Touka grabbed the box and nodded, whispering a faint thank you. She turned around, going back to the hall, finding Kaneki's eyes staring at her in confusion, a serious expression lingering in a face that smiled at her that morning. He looked nothing like that guy.

"Come on," Touka said as she held the box, and walked towards the ladies' room that was just a few steps away from the principal's office, and Kaneki realized that she clearly was expecting him to follow her.

She entered the bathroom, knowing that it would be empty at this hour considering that everyone else was in class, and opened the box after placing it over the sink. Her eyes briefly met her reflection in the mirror, sighing at the bruises, looking messier than ever before. At least she had taken care of her wounds after changing her clothes, but it didn't seem as if Kaneki followed her example. Knowing him, she knew he wouldn't even try to heal his wounds unless someone would force him. Touka took some gauzes and the antiseptic cream, carefully placing all the items on the marble. She stood there for a moment, waiting, hearing the echoes of Haise's voice reach out to her, until Kaneki finally entered the bathroom, a little unsure at first, stopping at the entrance.

Their eyes met with their lungs holding their breaths, burning their chests. Kaneki swallowed, drifting his eyes away from her to the floor, and after a moment of silence, he started walking. Slowly, very slowly. One, two, three steps, until he reached the sink and slightly leaned against it, firmly pressing the palm of his hands on the marble, looking at his feet. Touka repressed a sigh and opened the faucet, slightly moistening the gauze with cold water, then, she approached to be in front of him and, with a bit of hesitation, her hands traveled to touch his chin, forcing him to face her.

"Stay still," she whispered, meeting his eyes.

She started with his cheekbones, pressing the gauze on the damaged skin and cleaning the blood, noticing the way Kaneki's jaw slightly tensed, brows wrinkling due to the pulsing soreness. The deep silence of the room was engulfed by Hikari's voice, Haise's complaints, even Ayato made himself hear, a broken voice that made Touka stop her work for a second, swallowing hard and taking a deep breath to resume her cares. Kaneki noticed her awkwardness.

"You don't have to do this," he said.

Touka didn't look at him. She grabbed another gauze, this time focusing on his swollen eye.

"You didn't have to do what you did, but you did it anyway," she delivered her answer softly, making him look at her. "This is the least I can do."

There was a pause, a deep, long pause that Touka knew was driving him insane. There, inside that little bathroom, with a rain that was long gone now and bruises that threatened to last forever, she knew he was having a battle with himself, as he always did. Kaneki had been fighting a battle for many years now, a place that Touka knew was impossible for her to reach. She could have fought with him, by his side, as they did as children, but he would never let her. They were friends, yeah, but it was so damn hard to make him open up to her. Whenever Kaneki had a bad day at home, he wouldn't talk about it, no matter how much Touka asked. She would tell him everything, but Kaneki would rather swallow his words, let them burn his body until it became ashes instead of trusting her, instead of letting her know the truth of his heart. But this moment didn't seem to be like any other, and it wasn't just about Kaneki, about _his_ problems at home, about his mother, it wasn't about him. It was all about Touka, and Kaneki was unable to contain himself when it came to her. With Touka, limits were nonexistent. What he did today was a living proof of that, of all the atrocities he was willing to commit just to help her, to lend her a hand in his own twisted, frightening way. And Touka couldn't judge him for that.

She was able to do the same for him.

"I thought he was my friend," he said, staring at the wall in front of him, and the honesty in his words crashed against her being even harder than the rain that day, that the bruises on her skin.

Touka's brows frowned, feeling uneasy, an unknown pain eating her guts.

"He was never your friend."

"I wouldn't care about what he'd do to others, I don't care about anyone at all," he replied, disappointment lingering in eyes that looked way too dark, way too hollow. "But it's different if it's you the one who's hurt."

Her hand inevitably stopped her ministrations, trembling and shivering at his last words. She swallowed hard, blinking a couple times, and she felt them. The butterflies. They tugged her insides, fluttering furiously like every time she heard his voice, every time he said her name, _Touka-chan_ , every time his eyes fell on her, every time she smelled the childish colony he wore, every time she felt his hand grabbing hers, or touching her shoulder, or fixing her hair as he sometimes did when it looked way too messy. She wondered if he knew, if he was aware of the way she felt around him, the way he made her feel. If he took advantage of that, if he was amused when she blushed, if he enjoyed her breaking at his mercy.

Touka pulled her hand away, looking down, eyes slightly burning.

"I'm sorry that I got you into this mess," she whispered, closing her eyes for a moment. "Now you'll get into trouble, not only with school but Furuta's dad will not — "

"I don't give a damn about Furuta's dad," Touka flicked up her gaze to meet him when his words came off in a sharp tone, his stare burning with anger and impatience, the intensity in his eyes making her swallow again, for a moment wondering if he was angry at her. "I was fully aware of what I was doing. Do you think I grabbed that tube and fucking broke his leg without thinking? That his face ended up being a bloody mess just because I was angry? I _wanted_ to do it, and if it wasn't because the principal's arrived, I wouldn't have stopped."

Touka gasped, his words were too much. He was too much.

"Kaneki — "

"You are hurt because of me, because I should have listened to you when you told me that he was a huge piece of shit, and I always knew that, but I never thought that he would do something to you if you were with me. This is all my fault, if there's someone who needs to deal with this shit, that's me, so stop with your stupid self-pity, it's annoying."

"It's not self-pity, jerk!" she yelled, growing angry, throwing the gauze away and slightly punching his chest, the sorrowful atmosphere rapidly growing into something else, a fire that was consuming both, an anger that was nothing but the consequence of a huge, deep pain. Her eyes were rapidly throwing tears. "Of course this is all my fault! I always knew that Furuta was bothering my brother and I did nothing! I should have insisted, I should have done something better than just complain and — "

Kaneki got up, standing away from the sink, looking down at her.

"Your brother is not a fucking baby!" he raised his voice, and the whole scene turned itself into a chaos. The yelling from the principal's office, now Kaneki and Touka. "He needs to grow the hell up and start defending himself instead of moping around like a baby. You're not his babysitter, and he's old enough to be responsible for himself, if you — "

"Oh, fuck you!" she punched his chest again, gaining a deathly stare from him. "Stop with the useless acting! If any of your brothers would have gone through the same thing you wouldn't sit around and turn a blind eye. Stop pretending that Haise is the only one who cares, you care for your brothers as much as he does, you're just a coward who doesn't have the guts to admit it because you're scared, well, guess what? I'm not scared! I care. I care about my brother, and I care about you. What am I gonna do if Furuta's dad presents legal charges against you for breaking his son's fucking leg?!"

Her voice broke when she spoke, making a pause to wipe her tears, not caring if her hands applied too much force to her swollen eye. Kaneki's face quickly abandoned the anger and frustration when a jerk of pain crossed through his eyes, his brows frowning in pain, her words were killing him, shattering his entire self and she knew it, but the sorrow inside of her was something unable to control.

"What am I gonna do if they take you away? Ayato will be okay, but what about you? You didn't have to do that!" she was screaming as much as Hikari was, allowing her tears to fall as she punched his chest again, staring at Kaneki's appalled expression. "You're such an idiot! You don't have to do those things for me, if something bad happens to you now it will be my fault too!" she looked down, breathing heavily, trembling like a stupid, ridiculous pig. "Why don't… why don't you see that I c-care… that I — "

Kaneki didn't know how it happened, why. He didn't even take the time to actually think if it was a good thing to do, if it was right or imprudent or what. But imprudence was something he considered to be his middle name, the _whiny suicidal_ , as Hide once called him, and Kaneki knew that the nickname never fitted him better than now.

Kissing her was definitely going to be a suicide.

It was an uncontrollable impulse. He lunged forward to firmly hold Touka's nape and crash his chapped lips against hers. Cold, dry, everything about her felt so cold that day, so broken. His lips rested against hers softly, the intoxicant taste of blood penetrating her shaky mouth, his brows furrowing deeply as he walked to push her against the nearest wall, praying for this moment to last forever, praying that Touka wouldn't push him away with a punch in the face, praying that she would understand that this kiss meant nothing and everything, an _I'm sorry_ for all the things Kaneki wanted to apologize and was unable to simply because he was a useless jerk when it came to words. Kaneki was a man of action, and this kiss was the only thing he could offer her now.

And Touka didn't pull him away. Her hands rapidly traveled towards his wrists, holding his hands on her cheeks, pressing her eyelids shut and allowing his tongue to travel inside of her, to explore every cavity of her mouth, to feel the pain on their lips, a pain that made them realize that they were alive. Alive. Kissing each other, touching each other, breathing into each other's mouths as if the world had suddenly run out of oxygen and their breathings were the only way to survive. Kaneki tilted his face to one side, the last stroke of his tongue against her, caressing her lower lip, his intense aroma impregnating everything around her. Her mind suddenly remembered their previous argument, the hatred in her words, because a part of her hated him deeply. She hated the way he would give up all that he was just to save her. It wasn't fair. She hated the texture of his lips, bittersweet, she hated his mischievous tongue that caressed hers and the warmth of his hand holding her jaw. She hated the lingering pounding of her chest, she hated the mere idea of hating him because, in that instant, she couldn't hate him at all.

She just couldn't.

When Kaneki broke the kiss, he kept his forehead against hers, the tip of his nose tickling the tip of hers. He had his eyes open, lingering in her mouth, she knew that even if her eyes were shut. She could feel his gaze upon her, their heavy breathing crashing into each other's mouth, a temptation that begged for more. Touka opened her eyes, slowly, and held her breath at the sight of him, the sight of his eyes sparkling with something that looked like tears, a hunger, the awkwardness of realizing what they've done. Both, Touka and Kaneki, knew that this day would bring many regrets. But this kiss was not one of them. This kiss felt everything but a regret.

Touka flicked her tongue on her lips, parting them to speak, but her mom's voice made them both twitch, even if Kaneki's arms were still holding her, keeping her still against his body and the wall, terrified of letting her go, of seeing her walking away from him.

"Touka!" Hikari screamed from the hall, she didn't enter the bathroom. She sounded angry, annoyed, extremely irritated. Was the reunion over? "We're going home, come on."

She swallowed.

"C-Coming!"

Touka sighed, relieved that her mother didn't see her, and her eyes quickly traveled towards Kaneki. They stared at each other for a moment, slightly disappointed for such interruption, inevitably flustered now that the kiss was over. Her hands were still resting on his shoulders, still trying to catch her breath.

Was this really happening?

"I… I'll call you tonight, okay?" she whispered just for him, not wanting to make her mother realize that she was with someone else.

Kaneki's cheeks blushed softly, he blinked a couple times, nodding awkwardly, not knowing what else to say or do. Touka bit her lower lip for a moment, hesitating, and rapidly leaned against him to kiss his lips one more time, one last time before saying goodbye.

Little she knew that this was going to be their last kiss, at least for now.

She moved away quickly, leaving him breathless and speechless. Touka shoved him away and ran towards the door, giving him one last glance before disappearing and finding her mother waiting along with Arata and Ayato, she was using her phone, fingers writing something furiously on the screen. Hikari looked up at her when she saw her, saving her phone on her coat to grab her arm.

"Let's go," she said, dragging her through the halls.

They walked all the path in silence. Hikari dragging her by the arm, Arata walking a few steps ahead with his hand wrapped around Ayato's shoulders, but Touka was unable to think of anything else. She was walking, yet her eyes weren't seeing anything around her, completely blind.

Kaneki kissed her.

He kissed her.

Her fingers slightly reached to touch her lips, gasping at the feeling, her body shivering at the memory. They walked out of the school and got inside the car. She sat next to Ayato in the back, even if he was avoiding everyone's stares, curling against the window, keeping his eyes in the distance. Touka gave him a wry look, hesitating, but she knew that he wouldn't answer if she tried to speak, so she decided to give him some space. The whole trip was Hikari complaining about the situation, that she wanted to meet Kaneki's mom to apologize, that she wanted to face Furuta's dad and break his leg just like Kaneki did with his son. Her words got lost inside Touka's head, because of all that she could hear, all that she could feel… was Kaneki's kiss.

That Wednesday had been, without a single doubt, the worst day in her life.

But it had also been the best.

Feeling guilty by such happiness, Touka smiled with teary eyes, touching her lips once more.

 **—o—**

Haise and Kaneki abandoned the school in silence. After hours and hours of trying to contact their mother, the principal let them leave, not without making them promise that they would speak with their mother and return tomorrow for another meeting, since Kaneki's place in the school was no longer secure after such incident. In silence, Haise nodded, annoyed as hell, a cold expression that Kaneki never saw in his brother before. In silence they left, and silence escorted them for long minutes as they walked the streets way home, Kaneki walking a few steps ahead of him, forcing Haise to stare at his lonely back, his white shirt stained in dry blood.

It was driving him insane.

"Kaneki," Haise spoke, a voice that forced his brother to stop.

He turned around, standing there in silence for a couple seconds.

"What?"

Haise looked at him, eyes drowning in pain. The person standing in front of him was not the bored, annoyed and insolent Kaneki that he knew. Not anymore. Haise was staring at the old Kaneki, the 6 years old Kaneki, with the book of Peter Pan under his arm and a bruise on his lip. With sad eyes and wild dark hair, smiling at him like a child who used to pretend that was happy, a child who used to pretend that he loved his mother, his brothers, everything around him. Haise saw his little brother, the one he swore to protect, the one he couldn't protect today.

He gave a few steps until he stood right in front of him. Kaneki was slowly reaching out his height, in a few more years he would dwarf him. The thought, somehow, made him feel proud.

"I want you to know that what happened today was not your fault," he spoke, words firmly coming out of his lips.

Kaneki arched a brow, and laughed. A tired, heavy laugh that sounded more like a sarcastic sigh. Kaneki nodded, looking around.

"Yeah, well, tell that to the police once they decide to take me to jail."

Haise frowned, appalled.

"Stop talking like that, no one will take you to ja —"

"Furuta's father has great contacts, you know. He's a businessman after all," Kaneki sighed, shrugging as if meant nothing, jamming his hands on his pockets. "I guess mom won't have a problem with that."

His older brother gasped, desperation filling his lungs, drowning his eyes in tears that he was not ashamed to share. Not for his brother.

"I won't let anyone, do you hear me? Anyone, take you away. No one will send you to jail. They'll have to take me first."

Something twitched inside Kaneki's eyes, in his broken expression. He looked at his brother with parted lips, frowning, confused and troubled by his words. Why. Why would he do that, why —

"Stop talking bullshit," he replied harshly.

Haise gave another step.

"It's not bullshit. You're my brother, do you think I would just… sit there, and let other people hurt you?"

Kaneki gasped, shrugging again.

"So what, you don't think I'm a criminal?"

Haise frowned, sighing deeply. Was he crazy?

"Are you making fun of me or something?" Haise complained, he leaned closer, and grabbed his brother's face. Kaneki blinked, completely shocked, and Haise's hands forced him to look at him in the eyes. "What you did today was the bravest thing you've ever done. You, are the bravest person I've ever known. I don't care what you do, I don't care if it's right or wrong, I won't leave you, I won't let them take you away. This was not your fault, because I would have done the exact same thing for you. Do you understand? Kaneki, I would _kill_ for you. And for Kuroneki, and Shiro, and Ken. It's my job to protect you all, and I'm sorry that I couldn't be there for you today, but I am here now, and I'll be here to solve this mess and make sure you're alright."

Kaneki's lips trembled as Haise spoke. He hadn't mentioned their mother. He mentioned him, and Kuroneki, and Shironeki, Ken… but there was no trace of their mother's name in his words.

What did he do? What in the world did he do to deserve someone like Haise in his shitty, miserable life? He didn't deserve him. Kaneki firmly believed that no one deserved Haise, there was not even a single person who deserved Haise's kindness, and love, and faithfulness. He swallowed his tears. He wanted to reply, to say that he would also do that for him, he would also kill for Haise, and tear apart, and become the most wanted criminal of Tokyo just to help him. During an instant, Kaneki broke his mask, and let Haise see him for who he really was: a younger brother seeking the protection of his older brother.

He sighed, defeated.

"How am I gonna tell mom…"

Haise's hands on his face reaffirmed the grip.

"You won't. I will. Don't worry about that, leave that to me. Come on, let's get going."

They resumed their way home in silence again, this time, walking side by side. The peace didn't last long once they arrived, once they stopped in front of the door and Ken's cries were already reaching the streets, echoing every corner with his childish weeping. Haise and Kaneki exchanged a tired, defeated look, and Haise introduced the keys on the door to open it, grimacing at the view.

The house was a mess, as it usually was when Kuroneki and Shironeki ended up alone. Kuro was holding a crying Ken in his arms, trying to calm him down with a worried expression. Shironeki was holding a pan in his hand, near the kitchen, wearing an apron and showing concern at hearing the door being open so early, Kaneki and Haise weren't supposed to be back that soon. Haise entered the house, avoiding some toys scattered all around the floor.

"Kuro, w-what… what happened?" he said, reaching down to take Ken out of his arms, cuddling the baby and stroking his back. "Where's mom? Shiro, what are you doing with that pan…"

"She… she's asleep, we tried to wake her up but she doesn't listen, she… she stinks," Kuroneki explained, looking at Shironeki for some help.

"Ken was hungry, I was trying to cook but I don't know how," Shironeki added, placing the pan on the counter again. The kitchen was a mess. "I'm hungry too but there's nothing to eat. O-Oh, Kaneki, what happened to your face?"

Kaneki groaned, walking towards the couch to take a seat.

"None of your business."

Kuroneki looked up at Haise.

"I t-think Ken… pooped, but we can't find the diapers."

Haise sighed, closing his eyes for a moment. Was this ever going to end? Kuroneki and Shironeki were only nine years old, Ken had just turned his first year of life. It wasn't fair. It shouldn't be this way. What the hell was their mother thinking? Why did everything had to fall on his shoulders? The day had been bad already, why couldn't he just… have the freedom to come back home and fall on his bed for once, without having to take care of a responsibility that belonged solely to their mother? Why? Why did she always had to do this to him?

"It's okay, I'll make you something to eat in a minute, but first — "

"Can you make us pancakes? I know pancake day it's tomorrow but I wanna eat them today," Shironeki asked, taking off an apron that was too big for his little body.

Haise nodded, sighing again.

"Yes, I'll make pancakes but try to clean the kitchen a little for me, please? Just put the dishes in the sink, I'll wash them later. K-Kaneki, can you — "

Kaneki gave a deep sigh, nodding with tiredness, getting up from the couch.

"Yeah, yeah, I'll take care of Ken, you go and check out mom."

Haise nodded again, relieved.

"Thanks."

Kaneki took Ken in his arms, receiving a little "'I'll help you out!" from Kuroneki. Haise abandoned the living room, heading towards their mother's bedroom. As usual, she was sleeping, lying down on her back and with an empty bottle of whiskey on the floor, near the bed. He called her a few times, touching her shoulder, but there was no response. Haise stood there for long minutes, staring at the sleeping view of his mother, and during an instant… a cruel, selfish thought crossed his mind, a thought he wasn't even sorry about.

He wished that she would never wake up.

 **—o—**

Touka stood in front of Ayato's door several minutes before gaining the courage to open it. Her hands trembled softly, not really knowing what to expect. She hadn't spoken to him since they arrived home, since both took a shower and he locked himself in his room, avoiding any kind of interaction with the members of the family. Yomo was here too, as soon as Hikari called him, telling him about the ugly news, he arrived immediately to their house, wanting to be there for his sister, for his nephews, but not even Ayato had wanted to see him.

She entered the room in silence. The sun had gone down hours ago, but she knew he wasn't sleeping. Touka found him lying in his bed, lights off, the TV playing a documentary on Animal Planet about tropical fishes, he always liked them; but his eyes weren't watching the program, they were glued on the dark ceiling, staring at nothing at all, not even turning around when he saw her entering the room, closing the door behind her, bare feet rushing towards his presence to climb up his huge bed, lying by his side. She wouldn't usually enter his room, not since they were kids, but tonight was different.

Touka slowly turned to the sight to have a better look at his face. He was wearing a huge black hoodie, his messy hair covering part of his eyes, she could see the bruises, redder and bigger than her owns, decorating his baby face. Ayato was still a baby in her eyes, even with his piercings, his husky voice and that tiny fish tattoo that he had at the back of his neck, the one he got thanks to her, because she took him to see Uta in secret, careful that their parents wouldn't find out.

She blurted out a deep sigh.

"I'm sorry," she whispered, trying to hold her tears. "I don't care what anyone says, this was my fault. I should have done something before it was too late, and I didn't. Even if it bothers you, I'm still your big sister and it's my job to protect you, but I failed you."

"You never failed me," he whispered back. Touka blinked, surprised that he responded, she wasn't expecting anything at all. Ayato swallowed, gloomy, still staring at the ceiling. "I was the one who failed you. When I saw what you did there… what you were willing to do… for me… I…"

He stopped, unable to continue. His eyes shimmered under the TV's light, but Touka knew that they were shining for something else.

"There's nothing in this world I wouldn't do for you, Ayato," Touka said, staring at his face.

For some reason, he felt unable to look back at her. He took a moment, gaining courage. Slowly, he nodded.

"There's nothing in this world I wouldn't do for you too."

Touka closed her eyes, and got herself a little closer to rest her head on his shoulder, hiding her tearing face from his eyes, a place to find refuge. Ayato had always been her refuge.

"Can I sleep here tonight?" she asked, staring at the fishes swimming on the TV. "I don't wanna go back to my room."

He gave a lazy nod, hearing him sigh.

"Okay."

 **—o—**

However, Touka abandoned the room once Ayato fell asleep. She suddenly remembered Kaneki, and that she had promised to call him late night. She turned off the TV, covered Ayato with some blankets and ran towards her room to grab her phone, taking a seat on the window and sending him a text, just to see if he was awake.

 _Are you awake?_

He answered almost immediately.

 _Yeah, I can't sleep._

Touka sighed, biting her lower lip, and with trembling fingers she marked his number, placing the phone on her ear and waiting for his voice to answer back.

Her heart froze when it did.

 _"Hey."_

She took a deep breath.

"H-Hey," she said, staring at her own reflection in the window. "How are you doing?"

 _"Good. You? How's Ayato?"_

"We're both fine, I guess. Haise looked very worried this morning, Is he okay too?"

She heard a noise.

 _"Y-Yeah, he's fine. I think he's… uh, sleeping, or something."_

Touka nods, playing with the fabric of her sweater.

"Have you told your mom yet? About today…"

There was a deep silence at the other side of the line. Both made a pause.

 _"No,"_ he then answered in a whisper. _"Not yet."_

Touka decided to not push the topic any further. Instead, she kept her eyes closed, resting her chin on her knees. Even still, even if both remained silent and no one was making any sound… it felt good. She could hear his breathing at the other side, and keeping her eyes shut was like having Kaneki next to her. Her mind focused on the music of his breathing, a silence that felt everything but lonely. A silence that both shared as a secret and one Touka decided to break with a question that had been eating out her guts during the entire day.

"Kaneki."

 _"Mhm?"_

"Why did you kiss me today?"

Another pause. She kept on waiting, feeling his breathing, the world around her slowly disintegrating at the thought of what his answer could be. Because she wanted to know, she _needed_ to know the why, the reason, his true intentions.

 _"I wanted to do it,"_ he simply said.

"But why?" Touka looked around, trying to find the right words. "K-Kaneki, do you…"

 _"I've always wanted."_

Touka blinked furiously, gasping, feeling like she was about to get a heart attack. Her hands brushed her hair to one side, palms sweating.

"Do you love me?" she questioned.

Would he say it? Would he actually say it? Was that even that he truly wanted to say? What he truly felt? She was completely oblivious to his intentions, but if he kissed her… it _meant_ that he felt something too, right? It had to mean something, right?

 _"I… Touka-chan,"_ he gave a deep sigh. _"I — "_ she heard a noise in the other side, a voice in the background that she couldn't identify, the sound of a door being opened, a person speaking. _"I'm fucking — okay, dammit, I'm coming! Hey, I… I'll call you tomorrow. It's my mom."_

Touka parted her lips, worried and disappointed at the same time.

"O-Oh, okay, I — "

She couldn't even finish answering, for the call had ended the moment her lips moved to speak.

 **—o—**

Mrs. Rieko tried to commit suicide the next day after Wednesday night.

After talking with Haise and Kaneki, after feeling sober again and ready to face their sons, after seeing the bruises in Kaneki's face, after finding out what he did, after coming back from their school meeting where Furuta's father was present, and Ayato's, and the principal's told Rieko that Kaneki had been expelled from the institution. Haise felt glad that things weren't going as bad as he feared, that Furuta's father didn't decide to present charges because for some strange twist of fate, Rize had decided to betray Furuta and show to the principal's the recordings that she had of that day, the things that Furuta and his friends did to Ayato and Touka. She was probably just trying to save her ass, trying to get out of this mess as fast as possible, and it was enough for Furuta's father to not resort to the law, but he still demanded a good amount of money for Kaneki's impulsiveness, for leaving his son in the hospital without being able to move. An amount of money that Reiko was unable to pay, and Furuta's father didn't give her any other choice: the money, or the law.

And Haise knew that it wouldn't be a problem, it really wouldn't. He could get a part-time job, even two! Even if his mother was unable to pay, he knew that he was more than capable of finding the way to do it himself, but as usual, all of that was not enough for his mother. She cried, and yelled, and used Kaneki as her punching bag again. _Look what you've done! You're always causing me trouble! Do you want me to die? Is that it? How am I going to pay this, tell me! You don't even have a job, you don't even know how to wash a stupid dish, you never help in this goddamn house and your stupid father won't move a finger for us, for you. I can't believe you're doing this to me, why do you have to ruin everything! We're going to end up in the street because of you!_

"It's not my fault that you only spend your damn money on your bottles, you fucking bitch!"

Those were the words that changed everything. As usual, Kaneki's words had the power to destroy everyone's sanity, because words have power. They really do. Kaneki not only gained a firm smack on his face due to his harsh words, but he also almost lost his mother. Hours later after the discussion, Haise found their mother in the bathroom, her wrists bleeding, and with trembling hands, trying to keep their younger brothers away from the bathroom so they wouldn't see her, he called his aunt and an ambulance.

Kaneki felt the guilt raining upon him like a god's fire. This was his fault. He did this. He almost killed his own mother. If he wouldn't have said those words… if he wouldn't just… but Haise felt differently, even if he was not strong enough to admit it. Kaneki remained in the house to stay with his brothers while Haise, the head of the family, went to the hospital in the company of his aunt. During the long trip, he prayed.

Please, please, let her live.

 _You know you don't want that._

I do.

 _Stop lying to yourself. You want her to die._

N-No!

 _When you entered the bathroom, you doubted. You doubted to walk away and call the ambulance. You wanted her to die._

That's not true! It's not!

But it was. Deep inside, despite the strange love he felt for her, he wished her death, and didn't get it. He didn't. She survived, and spent the night in the hospital with his aunt, waiting for his mother to wake up, texting Kaneki to update him with the news, to see if the kids were okay, if he needed anything. He reassured him that this wasn't his fault, and Kaneki believed him. This time, he truly did.

Once the kids fell asleep and Kaneki sat on the couch, not knowing what to do, his body twitched slightly when his phone started ringing in his pocket. A fear coursed through his veins, thinking that maybe Haise was calling again, delivering bad news, but when he saw Touka's name on the screen, his heart gave an instant jerk. Shit. Touka. He promised that he would call her, but after his mother's incident he totally missed it out.

He answered with a sigh, ready to explain the situation but, somehow, Touka already knew, it was the reason she was calling him. It didn't surprise him. Somehow, for strange reasons that he never understood, Touka always seemed to know everything. Everything about him. She said that she found out because of her dad, that right now her mother went to visit her at the hospital, that she was really sorry, that she already had called Haise and wanted to know how the kids were, if they were okay, if they needed anything.

She even offered herself to pass by and cook something for them, even if her cooking skills were as horrific as his own. Kaneki smiled softly at her concern, and her call had been the only good thing that happened that day. He also told her about school, that he got expelled.

"I think it's better that way, that place is a huge void of shit," she said, making a pause. "Ayato and I will be changing school too, our parents don't want to send us there anymore. Even Yoriko is leaving, after what happened, her dad doesn't want her there either. She told me we should pick up the same school so we can go together, I haven't told my mom yet but I'm sure she won't have a problem with that. What are you going to do, though?"

What was he going to do?

Well.

He had already taken a decision.

After a long pause that had Touka saying his name over and over again to make him speak… he spoke.

 _"I'm leaving, Touka-chan."_

Now, it was her turn to stay silent. She didn't understand. Leaving? Where? Why?

"What do you mean?"

 _"I mean that I'll be packing my things and leave this shitty place once and for all. I won't go to school, I want to join the Academy and sign up to work in the CCG in a few years, they always need young people and by the time I'm done with the Academy, I'll be older enough to join them. Once I'm sure my mom is recovered and Haise can go back to his routine, I'll get the hell out of this town."_

This town.

He was leaving. _Leaving._

Kaneki never expected Touka's words.

"Let me go with you."

 _"You won't go anywhere,"_ he cut her off, frowning deeply. Was she crazy? _"You have things in here, I don't. It's not the same."_

"I have you," she whispered back.

Kaneki felt her voice stabbing his chest, shattering his heart. It made him want to smile and scream at the same time, to feel anger and joy fighting for his emotions. He wouldn't have doubted, if it wasn't because she had a good life in this horrible town. He wouldn't have doubted in pack his things with her and leave, leave everything behind. Get a car, make a trip, sleep in wherever place they could find, be together as they always did, live their lives with their own rules; the only person who was able to understand him for he really was, accept him for he really was. As the selfish man he was, he wouldn't have cared about her family, about taking her away from them. Touka was his. She belonged to him, she always belonged to him, even if she never knew. They were forever, no matter what. They would always be forever, they would always be _them_.

 _"Your family — "_

"T-They will understand, if I'm okay, they will understand. And I have money! I… I have money saved from the months that I worked in Anteiku, money that I still haven't used. We can buy a train ticket and just leave, we can — "

Kaneki sighed, closing his eyes.

 _"You're crazy."_

"I know you always wanted to leave your house… but you don't have to do it alone. Y-You…" she stopped, gaining courage. "Last time we spoke… I asked you something. But you never answered."

Kaneki swallowed hard, resting his head on the couch, staring at the ceiling, the silence of the house highlighting the melody of Touka's voice.

 _"I know."_

"T-Then… tell me," she pleaded, voice raspy and breaking softly. "I need to know. Do you lo — "

The phone in the kitchen started to ring.

Kaneki groaned, extremely annoyed at being interrupted.

 _"Ah, fuck me. The phone is — shit, look, we'll talk about this later, I'll call you tomorrow again."_

He ended the call, throwing the phone on the couch in pure anger.

 _Great._

 **—o—**

A few days passed where their mother was still hospitalized, and those were probably one of the few best days of their lives. Haise made sure to clean the house from head to toe, throwing all the cigarettes, the empty bottles—and the filled ones too—and open the windows, allowing light and air to a place that always felt like a suffocating cave. The aunt was taking care of their mother, so Haise didn't feel the need to go to the hospital that often, staying home with his brothers, watching movies together, buying the food they wanted, living in peace without the dramas that their mother owned.

It was a Friday night when Haise decided to cook, motivating the kids to prepare the table while Ken watched some cartoons on the TV. Haise headed towards Kaneki's room to tell him that dinner was almost ready, finding him in the balcony, sitting on it and smoking a cigarette in silence. After a moment of hesitation, Haise climbed up to reach the top, sitting by his side, smiling softly at him. His wounds were slowly healing, and Haise had managed to ration their mother's money, finding out that they were able at least to pay the half of what Furuta's dad had demanded. With that money and the part-time job that Haise was planning to get, they would be able to finish this debt in the blink of an eye.

It made him happy, somehow.

"Are you okay?" Haise asked.

Kaneki nodded, offering him a smirk. For some reason, their relationship had gotten a little bit better the past few days, and Kaneki was helping Haise with everything that he needed. Helping with the kids, the house, the food, they were working as a team, as the older brothers that they were.

"I'm fine."

Haise nodded, sighing and staring at the moon, feeling the wind caressing his fluffy hair.

"The house feels really calm without mom, huh."

Kaneki inhaled from his cig, exhaling from his nose with elegance.

"Yeah. I wish it was always this way."

"Me too," Haise agreed, playing with his fingers. He smiled at him, excited. "I'm making lasagna, a new recipe that I found in a book, I think you might like it."

His brother laughed a little, shrugging.

"Can't wait to try it."

Haise smiled, amused, and both stood in silence for a while until Haise remembered something he had completely forgotten, something that made him feel a little guilty.

"H-Hey, by the way," he started, brows furrowing and gaining Kaneki's attention. "How's Touka doing? I just talked to her once this week, with everything that's been happening with Mom I… totally forgot about her. I should give her a call. Ayato too."

Kaneki sighed, feeling guilty as well.

"U-Uh, yeah, I… told her that I would call her soon but I didn't. There's something I wanna tell her, but I rather do it in person. She's fine, I guess."

Haise's lips parted, curious.

"Oh, I see. It's just that I…"

He stopped, swallowing and looking at the sky again. Kaneki frowned at him with his cig pressed between his lips, feeling his awkwardness all around them.

"What is it?"

Haise laughed, shaking his head.

"Nothing. Forget it."

Kaneki groaned.

"No. Now spill it out. Why did you stop talking?"

"You're gonna make fun of me."

"I always make fun of you."

"But… this is serious."

"I'll still make fun of you. What happened?"

Haise sighed, feeling his hands trembling.

"I can trust you, right?"

Kaneki frowned, confused. What the fuck was all this.

"Why are you — "

"It's just that — I mean — you and Touka are really good friends, she's like a sister to you and also to me… I mean — she _was_."

Was?

 _Was?_

What did he…

Kaneki completely forgot that he had the cig in his mouth, didn't even bother to inhale again.

"I don't… I don't get it, what are you — "

Haise looked up at the sky again, sighing deeply and closing his eyes for a moment.

"I like Touka, Kaneki."

I like Touka.

I like Touka.

I like Touka.

I like Touka.

I like Touka.

I like Touka.

I like Touka.

I like Touka.

I like Touka.

The words repeated itself inside Kaneki's mind as a broken CD. I like Touka. I like Touka. I like Touka. I like Touka. I like Touka. This was a joke, right? It had to be a joke.

"You're joking," Kaneki replied, a fire running through his veins, making him squeeze his cigarette until it broke in half. "You're jok — "

Haise laughed.

"God, do I look like I'm joking? I'm literally sweating, look," he said, staring at his shiny and sticky palms. Then looked at him, laughing even more. "You look like you've seen a ghost. I know, laugh all you want, I get it."

Kaneki clenched his jaw.

"I'm not laughing," he replied. He couldn't, even if he tried. This wasn't funny at all. "Haise, what the fuck. How… how in the world — "

"Yeah, yeah, I know it bothers you since she's like your little sister, I've been wanting to tell you for a while, but I was scared that you would go and gossip her about it."

Gossi… was… was he…

God.

No. No. This couldn't be happening. Not now. Not _now_ when Kaneki was going to talk to her, he, _he_ was going to talk, and tell her how he felt, give an answer to her question, and _kiss_ her again, because she was his. Touka belonged to him, no one else. Why, why, why…

Kaneki was sweating too.

"How long."

If Kaneki's words came out rigid as a stone, Haise never realized. He was clueless.

"Since she started working in Anteiku," Haise replied, looking at the city in front of them.

That was two years ago.

Two, fucking, years.

"Well, actually, I think it was longer than that," Haise added. No, God, no, no, no. "But didn't realize until then, when we visited her at the shop for the first time after she started working there."

Kaneki was speechless.

Completely speechless.

They stood in silence for long minutes. Haise staring at the world around him with hopeful, shiny eyes. Kaneki drowning in his sorrow, still holding his broken cigarette and keeping his eyes locked on his knees, thinking, thinking, and thinking, and at the same time not being able to think at _all_. This was a mess. This was a huge, deep mess. He didn't even feel anger anymore.

He just felt empty.

"How…" Kaneki started, unable to speak properly. He swallowed, not staring at Haise. "How much do you love her?"

Haise's lips curved into a sad, hopeless smile. He sighed, staring at the bending trees dancing around them.

"You have no idea, brother."

You have no idea.

No idea.

Kaneki believed that he did. He loved her first. Whatever Haise was feeling, Kaneki felt it first, he felt it more. He broke Furuta's fucking leg for her, he beat the shit out of Torso for her, he would have killed them both if the principal wouldn't have stopped him… just for her. He was willing to let her come with him, to take her away… just because she asked.

What a fool.

What a big, massive fool he was.

"Are you gonna tell her?" Kaneki asked, a voice that was barely audible.

"Nah, not for now, I guess. I don't have hopes, honestly. I know she doesn't see me that way, but… if someday I have the chance and things change, who knows. Touka is not a person easy to forget, I know that I will keep loving her no matter how much time passes."

Every single one of his words stabbed his chest one, by one, by one.

It was killing him.

"But," Haise continued. "What were you going to tell her?"

Kaneki wanted to laugh. He kinda did. He blurted out a sigh, a sad, ironic sigh, frowning and avoiding eye contact with his brother. His _brother_. He wanted to hate him, he wanted to beat the shit out of him too, just like he did with Torso, just like he did with Furuta…

But he couldn't.

He fucking couldn't.

"Nothing."

Haise pursed his lips, tilting his face to the side like a confusing puppy.

"Really?"

Kaneki nodded.

"It was just… a stupid thing that Hide wanted me to tell her, nothing else."

"Oh, I see. Well, let me know if she's okay when you see her," Haise got up from the railing, smiling softly. "I'll go back and check out the kids, they're way too quiet. H-Hey, are you sure you're okay? You — "

"I'm fine, Haise," Kaneki replied, swallowing his bitterness and forcing himself to give his brother a fake, rigid smirk.

Haise nodded.

"Okay. Well, get going, dinner will be ready soon."

Now, more than ever, Kaneki wanted to get the hell out of that place.

 **—o—**

The day after, Touka received a text from Kaneki, the first sign of life that she had from him after their last conversation.

 _"We need to talk. Meet me on the bridge."_

Touka stared at the screen with a throbbing heart and a lingering emotion wriggling in the deepest parts of her stomach. This was the moment, this would be it. She got herself dressed, not really caring about the choice of clothes, tied her hair in two small pigtails and abandoned her house under a glassy sky that promised another terrifying storm, running towards the bridge they knew so well, a place that was in the center of the city and the most common reunion point between them.

She probably arrived way too late, but she counted the time she spent in there, in front of the bridge, staring at the city and waiting for Kaneki. She waited one hour, almost two until she felt his steps getting closer, for she was the only person standing on the bridge. Touka turned around, his silhouette appearing a few steps away, getting closer with his hands jammed inside his pockets and dressing black. For a moment, Touka thought that he looked way older than he truly was. Nervousness took over her body and made her play with her fingers the entire time, not knowing what to do. He… he kissed her. Did that meant that they were… together? No, it couldn't be. Well, she didn't really know, she never had a boyfriend before. She had kissed someone on a date once, didn't really enjoy it, but if you kissed someone… someone you _knew_ , what did it mean?

"Hi," she simply said when he stopped in front of her.

Kaneki looked like shit. His skin was pale, deep bags under his eyes, no emotion in his eyes, he looked just like he did the day of the incident. Did… something bad happened?

Touka frowned, giving one step to get a little closer.

"A-Are you okay?" she asked, lifting up her eyes to meet him. "How's your mom?"

Kaneki sighed, turning his face to one side to stare at the avenue.

"I don't know, I don't care. I haven't been in the hospital. I'm not going there," he simply said, not wanting to add extra details.

"Oh, well, okay," she sighed, making a pause, taking a deep breath. "I… I know you wanted to talk, but, let me speak first."

Kaneki stood there, swallowing his breathing, swallowing everything inside of him, feeling it poisoning his soul. He stared at her with no expression lingering in his features, and he listened to everything she had to say.

The wind caressed her skin, making her shiver as she spoke. She could smell the water in the air already.

"I'm sorry for the things I said in the bathroom that day," she started, trying to form the proper words, trying to express what she truly wanted to say. "You're not a coward. I was just… I was scared. Even more after hearing what happened with your Mom because I got you into this mess, even if things are okay now and Furuta's dad won't fuck you up… I still feel bad, I'm sorry."

She made a pause that Kaneki didn't interrupt. Touka waited for his words, but his mouth was empty. Did she say too much? Maybe he was moved. She gave another step, getting closer and closer until the shadow of his being covered her silhouette completely.

"And… about what happened," she whispered, hoping that he would understand what she was talking about. "Because of that, I asked you a question. And… I need your answer, because I already have mine."

 _Don't say it,_ Kaneki thought. _Please, I beg you, I beseech you… don't say it._

Touka looked at him straight in the eyes.

"I'm in love with you," she spoke, the tip of her nose red and pale, the wind around them making her eyes flutter over and over again, like the wings of a butterfly. She was beautiful. She was so, so beautiful, and she was his. She would always belong to him.

But that didn't mean that he had to belong to her.

Kaneki forced his features to react. To arch a brow in confusion, to twitch his lips in a funny, mocking smirk. The ones she hated so much. The ones that would make her hate him, because that's what he needed. Her hate.

It was the only way.

"But… I don't feel that way about you."

The deep gasp that Touka took after he spoke, the sound of it… it was loud enough to break his heart. It felt like being stabbed in the chest, Touka gasped as if someone just… stabbed a knife in her heart, forcing her to breathe for air, to catch a glimpse of life. Her lips trembled, she tried to speak, she tried so hard.

"B-But — "

Kaneki sighed.

"When I look at you, I can only remember what happened that Wednesday. The way I thought it would be a good idea to defend your stupid ass until I realized that it wasn't. Because of you, Furuta and I aren't friends anymore. Because of you, my mother tried to kill herself. Because of you, I got expelled. All of that for what? For nothing."

Touka blinked, and blinked, looking around, searching for something she didn't know she needed, and then the first tear fell. Kaneki clenched his fists, keeping them in his pockets, forcing them to stay there and not travel to her cheek to hold it, to wash her tears, to pull her closer for another kiss.

"You kissed me," Touka replied, trying to remember how to breathe. For a moment, she really believed she couldn't breathe. "Y-You k — "

He blurted out a shaky laugh.

"And? You think I'm your husband now or something? I only did it because I felt sorry for you, crying and acting like a baby, it meant nothing to me. I felt nothing."

Touka turned her face away, part of her hair covering her expression, but Kaneki could see her perfectly. He could see her even with his eyes closed. She was crying.

And he showed no mercy.

"I'll be leaving soon, that's why I wanted to see you here today. I wanted to tell you that. I'm leaving, and I'm leaving alone. Taking you with me would've been like being your babysitter and I'm tired of that bullshit, that's the reason I'm leaving, isn't it? I can't stand my stupid brothers anymore, I don't need a baby sister to take care of. I've had enough."

I've had enough.

Kaneki turned around, ready to walk away from that place and never, never, return, until she felt her hand on his arm, stopping him.

"Y-You're lying," she spoke, forcing him to turn around. She looked angry as hell, sad as hell, she looked completely destroyed. She punched him in the chest, tried to lift up her fist to punch him but he stopped, pushing her hand away. "You're a fucking liar. I don't believe you!"

Kaneki sighed, forming a dry smirk as his wrist quickly traveled to his chin, scratching it softly. His eyes fell on her, and held her stare for long seconds. It wouldn't be a lie if he was looking at her in the eyes, right?

 _Break her heart. You have to break her heart._

Touka feared the worst, and she got all of it.

"We promised to never lie to each other, didn't we?"

That was all that Touka needed to look away. Kaneki stared at her for a few more seconds, trying to convince her of it, and then turned away, walking away. She didn't stop him. Touka didn't even try to follow him, to seek for an explanation. She didn't. She stood there, standing in the middle of the bridge as her tears fell, and then the rain followed, and suddenly all of her was covered in tears.

She couldn't think. Touka wasn't even able to decipher her emotions, if she was sad or angry, disappointed or destroyed. Maybe it was all of it.

All.

She returned home completely wrenched, with the face of a woman who'd seen a ghost, the face of a woman whose heart had been completely broken. She entered home in silence, closing the door behind her and resting her back against it, unable to move, unable to function. Arata found her minutes before, when he heard the door and came out of the kitchen, finding his daughter with her eyes lost in a bridge that was no longer there and soaking wet.

"T-Touka?" He approached, staring at her state in pure horror. He grabbed her face, wanting her to look at him. "God, what happened? What's wrong?"

Touka closed her eyes, releasing a deep, soulful cry that made Arata wrap his arms around her immediately, not caring about her drenched clothes. She sobbed against his chest and he held her there as he did when she was a child. He didn't ask questions, he didn't force her to speak.

He just held her in his arms, and Touka cried.

She just cried.

 **—o—**

People say that time heals all wounds.

And maybe, just _maybe_ , they do.

Kaneki never returned to school. He moved out from his house to live with his best friend, Hide, who at that time was working in a manga shop, gaining the right amount of money to rent a small flat that Kaneki helped to pay with his own shitty job, the only one he had as he waited to be old enough to apply for the Academy. Since that day on the bridge, Touka and Kaneki never saw each other again. Their friendship broke like a fragile leave, they never tried to contact each other after that, since Touka clearly realized that Kaneki didn't want to be found.

Ayato, Touka and Yoriko started a new life in a new school until they finished their student years in peace. Due to her friend Nishiki, Touka managed to get into Kamii University to study biology. During all those years, Haise was the only member of his family with whom Touka never lost contact. Their friendship grew stronger and stronger, and the empty space that Kaneki left in her chest after he left was slowly being filled with a new hope, with a new smile, with an old friend that was kind, and gentle, and caring. He joined the Academy along with Kaneki just when Touka entered Kamii, both places were near each other, so Haise would often drop by the University to pick her up, to make her a visit, to find a silly excuse to see her again.

And without realizing, without a warning… Touka fell in love with him. And after gaining a courage that Haise never had, he confessed to her all those years of repressed feelings, all the years of waiting, of hoping that she would look up at him and actually see him. Him. No one else.

But the truth is that wounds don't heal with time, they don't heal _every_ wound; you just get better at living with them.

And Touka considered herself an expert.

The first-day Touka saw Kaneki again, at her twenty years old, the day after Haise proposed to her… Touka smiled at him. She smiled even if the sight of Kaneki destroyed her all over again. To see how much he'd grown, how his baby face had disappeared completely, how he looked gloomier than before, taller than before, handsome than before… it broke her the fact that she missed so much. They used to be so close, and now they were nothing but strangers. They weren't friends, there was no room for that kind of formality. To her, Kaneki was only Haise's brother. To him, Touka was only Haise's fiancee.

"Hi," she'd said to him, stopping in front of his presence.

She looked at him offering a nervous smirk, trying to put the past behind. Maybe Haise was right indeed. Maybe they were too young back then, ignoring the force of their words and actions to hurt each other. Maybe Kaneki didn't want to hurt her, maybe he felt sorry and didn't know how to make things up. Even if things could not be like they used to anymore, maybe... they would be able to maintain a gentle courtesy. A smile, a polite conversation... who knows? Maybe a joke too.

Maybe.

"Kirishima-san," he simply muttered, giving a soft nod with a serious expression, holding his glass of wine and walking away towards a different place, leaving her there with a smile slowly vanishing and her eyes lost in the spot he left empty.

Slowly but surely, something shattered inside of her.

 _Kirishima-san._

She was wrong. She'd been wrong all along.

They wouldn't look into each other's eyes for more than five seconds. They wouldn't touch each other, not even a shoulder, not even an arm. They wouldn't speak to each other unless it was necessary, they wouldn't smile, she didn't even have his phone, she didn't even know where he lived. She was only a stranger to him. Nothing more.

And now he was only somebody that she used to know.


	6. With A Determined Heart To Forget You

**A/N:** hey! it's been a while. I really don't have much to say? Don't worry about the next updates because they will arrive quicker than usual, i really want to finish this fic soon so i'll be working hard to offer new chapters as soon as possible. This one is a little shorter than the previous ones, but i think the upcoming chapters will reach the default YNM world count, haha.

enjoy the chapter!

* * *

 **«Yes, No, Maybe»**

 **Chapter 6:** With A Determined Heart To Forget You

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 **NOTE:** I do own Sayanara's consent/agreement to _both_ keep posting our stories in the same platform despite the similarities between our fics. We both are OK with each other and we have discussed our issues in private, as it should be. Thanks.

* * *

 _Two months later._

It all started with a text message.

Haise needed something. Something from his brother, Kaneki, who would rarely ever answer his calls, who would never really reply to his constant messages, all of them filled with an absurd amount of unnecessary emoticons. Touka didn't really understand why Haise thought that Kaneki would be prone to answer _her_ messages instead, and now that she had his number scheduled on her phone (with the name of _Bakaneki_ ) it was a lot easier for Haise to just save the nuisance and ask her to send Kaneki a message in his place.

The first message of many.

To her surprise, fifteen minutes later—but not like she had counted them—he answered back, something that pissed her off, forcing her to reply with fingers wrapped in fury, and Kaneki had taken advantage of it to answer back, to keep her on the chat for a little longer before Touka put the phone away and asked herself what the hell she was doing. In a lapse of two long months, Touka's replies that were meant to be Haise's had disappeared up in the chat, loaded with stupid conversations that nothing had to do with Haise, or the favors he needed from Kaneki. Touka didn't even need to send him a message anymore, he would have the courage to contact her on his own, sometimes to send Haise a message, and sometimes just to share a childish conversation that would probably end with a sharp "fuck off" from both of them. Touka often wondered what it was, the slight smirk on her face as her fingers rapidly tapped the letters on the keyboard, or the way that she sometimes would grab her phone in the middle of a conversation with someone else, expecting to see something on the screen, hoping that the alert would sound and _maybe_ find his name on it, _Bakaneki,_ as she had named him.

It was stupid, and she forced herself to not think about it that much but maybe, just maybe, the fact that she wasn't _thinking_ at all, was going to bring unspeakable consequences.

Like right _now._

Touka looks at the clock, rapidly getting all her stuff inside her purse: her phone, her keys, her mint bubblegum. She's not particularly _late_ , one of the many perks of being your own boss, but it was already 11 o'clock, an unusual hour to open up her shop and Haise had already left to work, which meant that many CCG investigators would probably stop by :re for a coffee in their breaks, and she was running late.

She sighs, searching for her coat when she hears the doorbell ringing several times. Her body tenses, eyes flicking up to the entrance, not really being able to predict the situation. Could it be Haise? Maybe he forgot his keys? But he'd left hours ago. Touka walks to the door and opens it widely, finding a guy from the courier service, holding a box in his hands.

"Good morning," he greets, bowing briefly. "I have a package for Kirishima Touka."

She scratches her back, nodding and slightly surprised. A package? Who would send her a package?

"Y-Yeah, that's me."

"Oh, good," he grabs his folder, handing it to her along with a pen. "Please, sign here."

Touka writes her name on the paper and once she's done, he delivers the box and bows again.

"Have a nice day."

"You too," her eyes are on the box as she closes the door, frowning and trying to find a name, but there's nothing.

She places the box on the floor, kneeling in front of it, and grabs a scissor from the nearest table to cut the edges. She manages to get out a black box from the inside, so shiny that she can see her own reflection in it, and the mystery surrounding it makes her go desperate to know what's inside. She opens the top of the box and whatever the content is, it's covered and wrapped in a bright, red velvet. On top of it, there's a white paper, folded in two. Her brows frown deeply, unfolding the paper, reading what's written.

 _"Dear Kirishima-san._  
 _Words cannot express how delighted I am for the latest conversations we had shared, to know that our beloved friendship has gotten stronger in the past few months, it fills me with an absurd amount of joy, I cannot even put it into words. I couldn't stop thinking about you since that first message, and because of that, I remembered our last trip to that restaurant and how excited you were for Christmas, so I thought about sending you a little gift, a bit early for the holidays since I'll probably be out of town by that time, I haven't decided yet._

 _In any case, I hope you enjoy it._  
 _P.S: If you're not sure how to use it, just call me, I'll be glad to help a friend."_

Touka didn't even need to read the letter twice to know who sent it. She keeps her eyes on the name at the top, _Kirishima-san_ , written with the elegant calligraphy of hands that couldn't be human, and she realizes that her eyelids don't blink even once, keeping her breath down in her lungs until they start to burn.

With quivering fingers she unfolds the velvet in the box.

The first thing she sees, are handcuffs.

Black _handcuffs_. Different sizes. One pair that seemed to match the shape of her wrists, and another that could easily fit around her neck. Then, a red blindfold. And a long, thick leather whip, and a black lingerie that was way too thin to cover anything at all, filled with holes of all different sizes in the most unusual places.

Touka stares at everything in awe, forgetting how to blink.

What — the — _fuck?_

Her hands rapidly grab the letter to read it again, faster this time, and as her eyes approach the final letters, her hands wrinkle the piece of paper with more intensity. In a second, the paper is gone, turned into a ball on the ground, and her feet are stumbling towards Haise's nightstand, searching for his notebook where he kept Kaneki's address. She finds it in a second, writing it down on her phone, and as faster as her body allows her, she puts back everything into the box again and leaves her house with a whole new destination.

The customers would have to wait.

 **—o—**

Touka arrives at the building in less than thirty minutes.

She looks up at the construction from the sidewalk, holding her phone with the address and the black box. She had been here before, but she had never entered the building or his apartment. Whenever Haise would drive up to Kaneki's place, it was usually him the one who would enter his apartment, while Touka preferred to stay in the car waiting for him, simply because she wanted to keep her distance.

This was the first time Touka was going to enter his apartment.

It was an old building, nothing compared to the modernity she thought Kaneki would choose for his lifestyle. The elevators were old-style, the manual type, with doors that required extra force to be opened and wooden floors that squeaked with every single step. She gets to the sixth floor, where Kaneki's apartment is, standing out in the hallway for being the only door on the floor, number 125. Touka doesn't know she's trembling until her fist crashes against the door, over and over again, calling out his name.

"Kaneki!" she yells, waiting, but there's no response. Her hand slams the door again. "Kaneki, for fuck's sake, open the damn door, I know you're there!"

But there's no response. She sighs, frustrated, she _knows_ he's there, something inside of her is sure of it. Touka kicks the door, growing angrier with each passing second.

"I swear that I will knock down the door if you don't answer! I don't care if you're fucking someone right now, open this goddamn door or I — "

And the door opens widely, Touka's fist raised in the air ready to knock again, and the last thing she finds there is Kaneki.

"T-Touka?"

From the inside of the apartment, a bewildered Hide gasps in surprise, holding the door and lifting up his brows with excessive astonishment. Touka blinks, flabbergasted, taking one step back and swallowing harder than she should, she wasn't expecting this at all.

"Hide?"

He blinks again, as if trying to clear out his sight and confirm that the presence standing right before his eyes was the Touka Kirishima he once knew. The blue hair wasn't helping much, and the shock seemed to be mutual, but he's quick enough to blurt out a scandalous laugh, lifting up his hands in the air.

"My… my girlfriend!" he yells, and suddenly his arms are tightly wrapped around her, tossing her all around, ruffling the top of her head like he used to do in the past. "Holy fuck!"

Touka stumbles, trying both to break free from his uncomfortable embrace and not act like a bitch at the same time.

"H-Hide — "

"It's been years! Wow," he pulls away for a moment, still holding her in his arms. "You look amazing, look at that hair, holy shit."

"Y-Yeah but — "

"I can't believe it's you! Oh, man," he turns his head around, aiming at the door, and the volume of his voice increases dramatically. "EH, KANEKI! COME HERE! YOU WON'T BELIEVE WHO'S HERE!"

Touka tries to pull away, but the guy is _strong._

"I need — "

He turns around to see her, offering a dazzling smile.

"Jesus christ, how many years — shit, forget it, can't even remember. But it's been a long time! Where have you been? Oh, wait, don't tell me, the life of a married woman… well, I mean, _almost_ married, it must be very — "

Touka manages to break free from his clutch, blurting out an exasperated sigh.

" _Hide,_ " she repeats, firmly this time, making his amused and excited expression disappear in an instant. "Look, I'm glad to see you too but I need to speak to Kaneki, where is he?"

Hide blinks, startled, not expecting such coldness from someone who used to be nothing but a childhood friend. He softly nods, lifting up his thumb and pointing out behind him, to the entrance, and Touka moves quickly, shoving him aside with delicacy and getting inside. The place is bigger than what she'd expected it to be; old but refined with elegance, carrying a vintage aura that reminded her of a house that you would certainly find in the 20's, Great Gasby-like. The walls were made of a dark wood, a deep contrast compared to the white ceiling and beige parquet. Everything looked so pristine, as she thought it would be. Everything meticulously positioned in its rightful place: the antique couches facing the fireplace, the books and papers perfectly piled up in his dark desk, the disgusting expressions of many different faux animals decorating the walls on top, the head of a black goat standing out generously in the living room, with its large black horns projecting a fearsome shadow on the contrary wall, something worthy of a horror movie.

It looked like the kind of place she imagined Kaneki would own: cold, big, empty. Immensely different from her house, a place that didn't seem frigid, as if nobody was living there. Her house was way more welcoming than this: the TV was always playing something, the windows were always open, there was always something scattered on the floor, a piece of clothing, a bunch of slippers; there was always a sound coming out from the kitchen: the kettle boiling, Haise's knives chopping something, his voice humming a song he couldn't take off his head. Kaneki didn't even have a Christmas tree, or family photos on top of the fireplace, or a place to cuddle comfortably on a rainy evening. It reminded her a lot of how his room used to look like when he was little, and later as a teenager. It was a nice place, she couldn't deny that, but it didn't feel like a home at all.

The thought of Kaneki spending all his days in this place, alone with himself, with his thoughts… a crucial part of their friendship had been built upon their mutual fear of being lonely, of him having nothing and Touka having everything, but still feel like what was left was not enough. They found solace in that, and the fact that Kaneki was still lingering in the exact same place… the fact that he was still… that she… that she was unable to —

Stop.

 _Stop._

Touka breathes, waking up from her numbness. She doesn't realize her hands are clenching the box so tightly that her knuckles are blanching, and she believes that her face matches the color of her hands too. She forces herself to take a deep breath, suddenly starting to feel a little sick, and Kaneki's voice makes her taut muscles twitch with his presence.

He appears from the front corridor, wearing a black towel around his hips and another in his hands, rubbing his moist hair repeatedly. Seems like he was taking a shower.

"Hide," he complains, sluggish. "Why the fuck are you —"

Kaneki swallows his words when the small towel isn't covering his sight anymore and his eyes usher their gaze on her, standing in his way as she always did. Touka notices the surprise in his face, the way that her presence seems to catch him off guard, and it's one of those expressions she never gets to see apart from his daily coldness and annoyance. He always looks so annoyed when she's around, and the very few times he decides to smile at her are for mocking purposes only. They stare at each other for a moment, Hide coming closer from behind to join them.

Then, Kaneki says it.

"Oh, Kirishima-san."

 _Kirishima-san._

Her nails scratch the fabric of the box and unexpectedly, irrevocably… something dies within her. Again. She wonders, deep inside, if Kaneki is aware of how much she hates it. By the way her eyelids flutter, and the way Kaneki swallows momentarily, evaluating her expression with a mask that almost seems to break… she believes he does. And it only makes her hate him more.

"What brings you here?" he asks, casual, as he continues to dry his hair.

Touka slams the box on top of the desktop standing right by her side. Hide twitches, approaching to take a look, and Kaneki peers down at the box with innocent eyes.

"Oh, seems like you needed some help after all. Did you like it? Couldn't help thinking about you when I saw it."

Touka sighs with defeat.

"What the fuck is this, Kaneki."

Kaneki's brows arch in confusion, his lips purse as he hangs the short towel around his neck, opening the box with one hand to grab the first thing he finds. In this case, the black handcuffs.

"What do you mean?" he complains, inspecting the handcuff with a meticulous expression as if trying to decipher how to use it. "It's my gift for you, didn't you read the letter?"

Hide represses a laugh that finally manages to escape his lips. Kaneki smiles softly, amused, as if he's enjoying a secret joke between old friends, but when Touka's furious eyes fall back on Hide he coughs immediately, frowning and trying to pretend this isn't funny.

"D-Dude, seriously…" Hide grabs the lingerie, inspecting it with a weird grimace. "Where did you even get this…"

Touka groans.

"What's not the point!" her voice forces Hide to put the piece of clothing back into the box. "What the hell is wrong with you? You can't send me something like this, you're a huge asshole."

Kaneki frowns, clearly offended.

"This _huge asshole_ paid a fortune for this," his lips grumble, throwing the handcuffs in the box again. "Be a little more grateful when I'm trying to be kind to my brother's fianceé."

Her hands turn into fists, and the way he says it, my _brother's fianceé_ … why does that word bother her so much? As much as hearing him calling her _Kirishima-san_?

"Do you even have a brain in this hollow head of yours?!" her voice raises in sync with her hand, knocking his temple and forcing him to snatch her hand away abruptly, almost as if he's disgusted to touch her. Touka's breathing becomes erratic. She doesn't even think she's _this_ angry because of the box. She doesn't even know why she's angry anymore. "What if Haise was the one to receive the package? Do you even realize the trouble you'd be getting me into?"

Kaneki rolls his eyes, grabbing the towel again and rubbing it on his nape.

"I'm sure you'll think of something. It wouldn't be the first time you lie to your future husband like that. Am I right, Kirishima-san?"

Hide grimaces, murmuring Kaneki's name as a poor attempt of scolding, but Touka doesn't even have the energy to scold him herself. Her eyes burn deeply, her chest burns deeply, every part of her body is on fire. She hears Kaneki's giggles, and the playful way he hits her arm with the towel he's holding.

"Ah, come on, Kirishima-san, it was just a joke," he excuses himself. "Do you actually think Haise would think badly of you? His _bunny_? Please. Take the box. You can tell him it was me, it's okay. Nothing personal, it's not like we are friends anyway."

It's not like we are friends.

Hide flicks up his gaze at Kaneki, a gaze Touka can't see but it's loaded with annoyance.

"Kaneki, come on," he complains, gaining a hazy glance from Kaneki. "Don't… be like that."

Touka blinks, coming back to reality. She looks at Hide, shaking her head.

"No, Hide, it's okay. Kaneki is right," her eyes fall on him, hands that tremble when she speaks. "We are not friends."

Kaneki remains quiet, he doesn't look so pleased now, and Touka almost dares to say that he looks quite bitter. Was this stupid game ever going to end? Kaneki blinks for a moment, one time, and his expression changes again. The mask is gone. He continues to dry his hair.

Hide sighs, scratching his head and prompting out a shaky laugh.

"Ah, guys, come on, don't fight, peace and love, remember?" he jokes, and palms Kaneki's shoulder, and then Touka's, smiling at her. "Touka- _chaaaaan,_ we should hang out someday again, like the old times, right? Bring Haise too, I can't even remember when was the last time I saw that idiot. I know a place where we can — "

Touka turns her eyes to Hide, feeling Kaneki's upon her. He's not listening to his friend, he's not swallowing his bullshit.

"I don't think so, Hide," she replies, setting her eyes on Kaneki for the last time. "As for the box, keep it. Use it with one of your whores, I don't need anything from you."

She doesn't wait for his reaction, for an answer. And Touka knows that if she stays there, waiting for something, she'll end up disappointed as she always did. Her body turns around and her legs keep walking as fast as they can, hearing Kaneki's voice calling out for her. _"Come on, Kirishima, don't get mad, it was a joke!"_ but she knows it was not. Touka reaches the door and abandons the flat with a hand pressed flat against her chest, stopping in front of the elevator and waiting for it.

Her eyes fall shut, eyes gazing down to the floor, and something inside of her chest threatens to come out. Touka keeps it there, safe deep inside, swallowing it painfully. She shouldn't have come here, she shouldn't have even thought about it. It's not the box, it's _him_. Terrible things happen whenever they face each other: a kiss in the middle of the dark, a word that feels like the stab of a sharp knife, a heart that throbs so loudly that threatens to die. She should know better, she should fucking know better.

Touka sighs at the elevator that never arrives, and Hide's voice is fast to disrupt her escape.

"Touka-chan!" he comes running, closing the door of the apartment behind him to allow some privacy in the hallway. "Wait, don't leave."

She turns around slightly, shaking her head.

"It's okay, I have to go to work anyway."

"You know how he is, just… ignore him. B-But I meant what I said, we should all hang out together some other time, it would be nice to — "

Touka turns to him, releasing a heavy sigh.

"Hide," she complains, features impossibly sad. He blinks, startled by her expression. She looks so different yet so similar to the way she used to be. But there's something missing within her eyes, within her skin. As if every movement of her body requires a huge amount of willpower to be executed. "I'm sorry but… things are not the way they used to be anymore. We've all grown, we've all changed, Kaneki and I have nothing to do with each other anymore, and you should know that better than anyone. He's your best friend."

He hesitates, features wrinkling in distress.

"He was your best friend too. And… things don't have to change, not really, Touka-chan. I — "

She crosses her arms, frowning deeply. The innocence in his words feels heavy upon her, and for a moment she forgets she's talking with a guy who used to be her friend, a guy with whom she used to play at the park when they were children, with whom she shared long trips in her youngest days, unaware of what the future had in store for all of them.

"But it did," her voice breaks in the middle, pointing out the obvious. The cheerful Hide is gone, he's serious and almost pitying her. "I'm going to get married soon, I have a job, I have a different life now. It's not good to keep on living in the past, we all have to move on sooner or later, and I'm trying to do that."

Touka stays silent for a moment. Her eyes look around, defeated.

"We're not sixteen anymore," it comes as a whisper, a bitter feeling in her mouth, and she knows Hide is tasting it too. Their eyes recross once more, and she can see that Hide is desperate to add something else, to convince her of something not even he fully believes.

The fact that he's clinging to the past so firmly makes her wonder, in secret, if Kaneki is doing it too. The thought sends shivers down her spine. Would Kaneki agree with Hide? Would they even talk about this? Would Kaneki repeat the same nonsense she's saying?

Hide swallows, attempting to say something else, but the only thing that comes out of his lips it's her name. Only her name.

"Touk —"

She delivers an apologetic smile, full of sorrow.

"It was nice to see you again, okay?"

He stops when the palm of her hand cups his cheek in a motherly gesture, like a child that needs to be comforted. The action makes his eyes water slightly, but not enough to shed tears and embarrass himself. Either way, Touka wouldn't have laughed. She's trying to hold her tears too. Her lips reach his cheek, a last kiss before leaving, and she doesn't turn back to look at him one more time when she decides to take the stairs instead, not wanting to stay there waiting for an elevator that didn't seem to arrive.

And Hide makes no attempt of stopping her either.

 **—o—**

Hours pass, many hours go to waste and Touka easily comes to the conclusion that today is _definitely_ not her day. It didn't matter the circumstance, each aspect of her day was ruined in more ways than one. The customers at the shop were angrier than usual and her mind, getting easily distracted with thoughts that Touka was trying so hard to push away.

She got many orders wrong, broke multiple cups and forgot to attend certain tables with customers that got tired of waiting and abandoned the place. She couldn't think, she couldn't operate normally, and the words _it's not like we are friends_ kept on resonating inside of her over, and over, and over again.

Was he ever going to send her another message after what happened today? Did she even want to? Maybe she should have blocked his number a long time ago, delete him from her contact's list once and for all. But what would she say to Haise if he asked? If he wanted her to send Kaneki a message, what stupid excuse could she give him to refuse any kind of interaction with his brother? It didn't make any sense, she didn't make any sense.

Why did Kaneki always made her feel so pathetic?

Once all the customers are gone, Touka decides to finally close up the shop, giving up and accepting the fact that she was operating awfully, and that it was best to leave the shop now before more customers decided to stop by a coffee and face the atrocious consequences of her stupidity. She walks the path home in silence, staring at nothing but her feet and realizing that they move slowly, very slowly, as if lingering in the sidewalk and hesitating to give another step, as if her sense of direction was suddenly corrupted, as if she didn't know exactly where to go, like the needles of a faulty compass.

She arrives home and allows herself a moment to breathe when she introduces the keys on the door. Touka stares at her hand, taking a deep breath, swallowing one more time, and enters. The lights are on, and she closes the door slowly, getting rid of her shoes at the entrance to grab the slippers, but her actions are interrupted when her name is being shouted by a thin voice, a small body running towards her.

Touka gasps at the sight of Ken, Haise's younger brother, crashing against her body in a firm embrace, smiling brightly.

"Touka-chan!"

Touka looks down, resting her hands on his shoulders.

"H-Hey, what… what are you doing here?" she looks around, confused, to find a tired Haise coming out of the kitchen, holding a spatula.

"Oh, bunny," he greets, sighing. "I didn't expect you to be home this early."

She pats Ken's back, smiling softly at him when the kid flicks his eyes upwards. He looked so much like Kaneki when he was little.

"Yeah, the shop was kinda empty, so…" she explains, feeling doubtful. "Is everything okay? Why…?"

Haise nods, sighing.

"Ken," he calls out, dragging his brother's attention. "Why don't you go check the cake for me?"

Ken releases Touka with a happy nod, turning around to enter the kitchen and that alone allows Haise all the privacy he needs. Touka heads to the table, sitting on the chair and getting rid of her jacket and purse, eyes locked on Haise and the way he scratches his head, holding the spatula.

"We had a little reunion in my mother's house after work, she wanted to see us to discuss our plans for the holidays but she wasn't in a good mood," he explains, slightly leaning against the table. He hasn't even finished and Touka can already feel the tension in every part of her body. "And… well, she had a rough time with Kaneki."

His name resonates deep within her. Touka pays more attention to the story now.

"Kaneki?" she asks, and Haise nods with a somber expression. "He was there?"

"I persuaded him to come over because I also wanted to know his plans for the holidays. Mom wants to spend Christmas and New Year's Eve at my aunt's house and take the kids with her, but Ken didn't want to, so he protested and… well, my mom got angry."

He didn't need to say more for Touka to understand what he meant with _she got angry._ Rieko had one way to show anger and it was through physical punishment only. Touka gasps, slightly drawing her eyes to the kitchen, where little Ken is.

"Did… did she…?"

Haise nods, sighing deeply and rubbing his face with one hand.

"Yeah, she smacked him. It… it was a mess, Kaneki got so mad, Touka. I really don't know what he would have done if it wasn't because I was there, he went crazy. Ken hid in his room and Kaneki stood there with him until he calmed himself down. Mom felt terrible about it. She's with my aunt now, but I wanted to bring Ken with me to spend the night since he was too scared to stay in the house. We're baking a cake, just to distract him a little. I hope you don't mi—"

Touka shakes her head in pure sorrow, unable to hide the expression in her face.

"God, no, of course not. But…" she makes a pause, and peers down at her hands when she realizes they're trembling. "K-Kaneki… is he okay?"

Haise shrugs with defeat, the pain in his eyes is huge tonight.

"I don't know. He left when I tried to stop him, and I've been calling him since I came home but he's not answering his phone."

He's not… answering his phone? Touka thinks, and thinks, and thinks, a feeling of dread growing deep inside of her. Whenever Kaneki had to face a hard situation at home… it usually never ended up well. And the thought of his lonely apartment comes to her mind, the coldness of it, the emptiness of it… and Kaneki, alone, insignificant, hiding from everyone else. Was Hide there with him? Was he staying by his side? No, no… something inside of her discarded that possibility. When Kaneki had a problem, he wouldn't share the burden with anyone, not even with Hide. At least, that's how it used to be in the past.

Her lips part to speak, but Ken's voice disrupts her speech.

"Haise! I think the cake is ready now!"

Haise sighs, whispering a soft _hold on_ as he walks towards the kitchen, leaving her alone. The first thing Touka does is to grab her purse and search for her phone inside, but the phone is nowhere to be found. She plucks each item inside, one by one, but her phone is not there. Did she leave it in the shop? Touka groans, irritated, and in a hurry decides to grab Haise's phone instead, lying on the table. She marks Kaneki's number and walks out of the room, to their bedroom, waiting for Kaneki to pick up the call, but he never does.

Touka stares at the screen, frowning. She calls again, but no one answers. With a sigh, Touka opens up Haise's chatroom and types as fast as she can.

Today 7:30 PM.  
"Kaneki, it's me, Touka. Are you there?"

She waits, biting her lower lip. Her fingers tap again.

Today 7:32 PM.  
"Idiot, come on, answer me."  
"Are you okay?"

The minutes pass, her eyes glued to the clock, but the response never arrives, and Touka rubs her eyes with the pad of her fingers when she realizes the situation. Why is she so worried? This is not the first time something like this happens, and he probably isn't answering because she's using Haise's phone. With a sigh, Touka deletes the messages in the chat, not wanting Haise to see them.

 _It wouldn't be the first time you lie to your future husband like that._

Touka puts the phone away, walking towards the dining room again and grabbing her jacket. She heads to the door, and Haise's voice stops her.

"Where are you going?"

She turns around slightly, finding him peering through the kitchen. There's a strong smell of vanilla cake in the air, the heat of the oven warming up the entire house.

"I forgot my phone in the shop," she explains, putting on the jacket.

"Oh," Haise grimaces. "It's late, do you want me to drive you there?"

"No, it's okay," she puts on the shoes at the entrance. "I'll be right back, stay with Ken."

Before Haise can add anything else, Touka abandons the house, shutting down the door behind her.

 **—o—**

The truth is, walking towards her shop again allows her the privacy to smoke the cigarette she'd been craving the entire day. She takes the package out of the pockets of her jacket, using her white broken lighter to ignite the flame and spend the time walking to the shop a little too slowly, her lack of desperation to get there is more than evident, and she finds herself lighting up not one but two, even _three_ cigarettes along the way. The night had fallen over Tokyo from the moment she set foot on the streets, the cold breeze of winter is making her shiver, but it doesn't matter.

She still doesn't want to go back.

Touka wanders aimlessly through the lonely streets of Tokyo, starting to become part of that very same loneliness too, almost craving for it in the most selfish of ways, a poor resemble of the person she became after Kaneki left her. Is she starting to feel this way again because of him? Lost, confused, extremely empty. It took her years to put herself back together again and become just a tiny half of what she used to be, she wonders if Kaneki is even aware of that damage. He probably doesn't care.

She throws her cigarette to the floor, stepping on it, and starts walking a little faster, eager to arrive. She's almost there, just around the corner, yet her pace stops when she sees him.

Kaneki.

Touka blinks, narrowing her eyes, way too disoriented to pay attention to her surroundings. The streets are wrapped in darkness, yet she sees him becoming part of them. Kaneki is standing right at the entrance of :re, leaning against the wall and smoking a cigarette in silence. He's wearing his long black coat, looking down at his feet and not perceiving her arrival. His expression is serene, thoughtful, he looks like he's waiting for someone, and the persisting thought that _someone_ could be her… Touka swallows, the wind stirring around her furiously. She gives one step, extremely nervous but deeply relieved to know that at least he's okay, in a place that is safe, in _her_ shop.

Kaneki flicks up his gaze at the sound of her footsteps, and his worn out eyes linger in her shivering presence for long seconds each time she approaches, she's watching him too. And there was something about him that night, something that little had to do with what she saw this morning; the cockiness of his glance, the mockery of his lips, the coldness of his words… it was all gone. There wasn't a single trace of all those masks he used to wear in front of her. Not a single one.

Right now… tonight… he looks exactly like he did the day of the High school incident. That Wednesday that till this day she's still unable to forget, unable to erase from her nightmares. Kaneki looks defeated.

He throws the cigarette to the ground when she's close enough to speak.

"Hey," he breathes, fog coming out of his lips.

She stops in front of him, doubtful.

"Hey," it's her answer, murmuring lower. She's not even angry anymore. Even if every word he speaks gets painful and painful each time, even if she knows she'll probably cry herself to sleep tonight no matter how much she'll try to deny it… she's truly, _truly_ not angry anymore. "Are you okay?"

His brows twitch slightly, tempted to frown them completely. His eyes look red and softly swollen, maybe for the cold, maybe for something else. He nods, warming up his hands in the inside of his pockets.

"Yeah."

An awkward silence follows, but it speaks more than a thousand words. She's telling him something with her eyes, he can't tell what it is, and Touka feels the same too. She hesitates for a moment.

"I — " suddenly, she looks around, sighing deeply. "Let's go inside, it's too cold."

She heads to the door, grabbing her keys and opening it widely. To warm up the situation, she keeps on talking as they enter inside and Touka turns on the lights.

"I forgot my phone in the shop after closing up," she explains, closing the door behind her once both find refuge inside. "I tried to call you with Haise's phone but you didn't answer."

Touka turns around to look at him, the startled expression on his face makes her want to smile, but she's too tired for that. His presence makes her feel extremely tired, extremely melancholic.

"You did?"

She delivers a soft nod, the space between them feeling larger and heavier than ever.

"Yeah…"

"I called you too," he admits, taking off his black gloves and saving them in his pockets. "But my battery died."

Touka blinks, dumbly walking towards the counter to find her phone there, behind the cash register. Her fingers tap the screen, and something flutters inside when six missing calls from _Bakaneki_ appear on the list. Funny, isn't it? Both tried to call each other at the same time, and both were unable to answer back. Kaneki, because his battery died. Touka, because she forgot her phone in the shop. And now both were here again.

She leaves the phone there, turning around to face him.

"Kaneki," she says, and his name tastes different in her mouth. "Haise… he told me what happened today, with Ken. A-Are you alright? Do you — "

Kaneki delivers a heavy, irritating sigh. He walks away, wandering around the place, avoiding her gaze. This is the first time he's inside the shop. He wouldn't usually come, not even with his CCG coworkers. But UI would buy an extra cup for him on the way. Touka often wondered if Kaneki felt too scared to come by and buy it himself.

"Don't start, do me that favor. I don't need your pity today," he complains, and he's not being ironically cold anymore. He's being brutally honest, he clearly doesn't want to talk about it. "I'm not here for that."

She nods, shrugging bitterly, trying to ignore the fact that his words hurt her a little. Her hands squeeze her fingers together, over and over again.

"Then why are you here?" her question comes in a shaky whisper. She's staring at his back, the way he slowly turns around, but he's not looking back at her.

He makes a pause.

"I wanted to talk to you."

Talk? About what?

Touka is slightly afraid of the answer, so she asks something else instead.

"Do you want a coffee?"

 _Idiot._

Kaneki shakes his head, coming closer.

"No. It won't take long."

Touka stands there, as the idiot she is, and nods softly. Okay, well. Her head nods one more time, feeling his haunting eyes upon her, following each one of her movements.

"Okay," her fingers scribble something on the skin of her wrist, and Kaneki's eyes advert the slight gesture. "What is it?"

He makes himself wait, maybe to get her on her nerves, or maybe because he's the one who's nervous. She can't tell. She doubts he feels any sort of anxiety right now, or shame, or embarrassment. That's not him, especially when it came to her. Touka awaits, helplessly, licking her lips in a poor attempt of self-preparation, and Kaneki's eyes advert that movement too. His gaze flicks down at her lips for a moment, even despite the distance that keeps them apart. That alone seems to encourage him to speak.

He takes a small breath.

"The night you kissed me," he starts, and Touka already feels like dying. Her skin loses all color, her cheeks turn white and her heart stops beating, or maybe it's beating too fast, she can't tell. Her right-hand starts to madly encircle her wrist over, and over again. Curling her fingers until her skin starts to ache, leaving marks. He notices that too, but his words keep on coming. "At the CCG party. Do I need to describe you the scene in case you don't remember? Because I think you do. I want to know why."

Touka looks away, releasing her wrist and a deep, heavy sigh.

"I already told you, I was dru — "

Kaneki offers a sick, incredulous smile.

"That's _bullshit_ , Kirishima," he gives one step, coming a little closer and shortening the distance between them. Touka looks at the windows, trying to get her shit together. "We both know very well that you weren't drunk, a little tipsy, yeah, but not drunk. Not drunk enough to not know what you were doing."

She closes her eyes for a moment, gaining the courage to look at him, and he keeps on walking towards her.

"K-Kaneki — "

"You can lie at your future husband all you want, but you can't lie to me. I dare you to try."

A groan escapes from her lips, and the color is back on her cheeks when he manages to ignite that flame inside of her once again. The flame of her anger. Only he is able to do that.

"Stop calling him like that."

His brows arch in a false confusion. He's angry too.

"How? Future husband?"

"Kaneki — "

"But he is your future husband, am I right? What is it, Kirishima-san? Are you having doubts now?"

That's the straw that breaks the camel.

"He's your brother," she punctuates the phrase very clearly, looking at him straight in the eyes, and she hopes that will put him back into his place.

But it does quite the opposite.

It annoys the _hell_ out of him.

"Yeah, I'm fully aware of that," he responds, as slowly as she did. "But you're still not answering my question."

Touka shoves him aside, walking to the other side of the shop to avoid his eyes as much as she can, but nothing seems to help this time. Kaneki follows her, slowly, like a predator corralling its prey.

"I have nothing to say," that's the only answer she can come up with, and that makes him laugh. "I already told you. What the hell is that you want to hear?"

A sick, annoying laugh.

"I won't leave until you answer me. Why did you kiss me?"

She turns around, heated by the flame of the moment.

"Why the fuck are you so desperate to know?" her voice increases the tone, and every word they say acts like sparks that keep producing more flames. Whenever she screams, he speaks louder. "It's not important, it meant nothing to me, for fuck's sake..."

His eyes burn with fire, they're red, swollen, tired and full of sleepless nights.

"Because I haven't been able to _fucking_ stop thinking about it since it happened," he threatens, walking until she has no other place to hide, the wall behind her is the only support she has. He's looking down at her, desperate for something. "Is that what you wanted to hear? Because I don't mind repeating myself again. So tell me, look at me and tell me why did you kiss me that night."

Touka holds his gaze for a second before looking away, and Kaneki swallows when he sees the tears starting to emerge. The redness of her nose, the way her lower lip trembles as she breathes, the way she shakes her head, as if trying to convince herself of a huge, insolent lie, and keeps shaking, unable to speak.

"It was nothing," she whispers, way too low, and that drives him insane.

He wants to hear her. Loud and clear.

"What? I didn't hear you."

She grimaces, sniffing and repressing an angry sob at having to repeat herself again.

"It was noth — "

"You're lying."

Touka looks at him, furious, and her hand rapidly wipes a malicious tear. But not even that is enough to gain his compassion.

"Kaneki — "

"We promised to never lie to each other, remember? Why are you lying to me now?"

Touka gasps, slightly pushing his chest.

"Don't you fucking dare," _now_ she's sobbing, and that seems to break something within him, soften a part of himself that he considered dead. She sees it, but he's good at keeping it still.

Kaneki leans closer.

"Why are you lying to me?" he repeats, firmer this time.

Touka wipes another tear, looking away, thinking of something that she can say to get out of this mess, to push him away and get the hell out of here. But she's not moving, she's not making any sound, any attempt of escaping. Her throat releases another sob when she feels Kaneki's hands holding her face, forcing her to keep the eye contact, to not avoid his eyes.

And she's forced to stare back. His grip is firm, encompassing her entire cheek and part of her nape too, her hair is a mess in his fingers, but he doesn't care.

" _Look_ at me," he speaks softly, almost pleading, eyes growing mad.

Touka doesn't pull away from the grip of his hands. They're cold against her skin, but it's the first time she's felt them in her face since she was sixteen years old. Sixteen. That was eight years ago, eight fucking years without feeling the touch of his hands upon hers. Whether be her face, or her hands, or her shoulder, or any other broken part of her body. She's disintegrating in his touch, and he's disintegrating too. Becoming nothing but dust.

She's so weak, and she's not even trying to be strong anymore. She's tremendously tired.

Eight years have left her exhausted.

"You lied to me too!" Touka cries, and _now_ she's looking at him, and there's no playfulness in his eyes, no challenging gazes passing back and forth. They're raw, as raw as they've never been before. "P-Plenty of times! You have no right to call me a liar when y-you… when you fucking... y-you didn't — "

He can't take it anymore.

Eight years have also left him utterly exhausted.

They have _killed_ him.

The grip of his hands intensify, leading her mouth to his, or his mouth to hers, it didn't matter. Kaneki crashes his lips against hers, frigid and chapped, everything about her feels so cold, so fragile, so ephemeral, and it only makes him kiss her harder. The taste is the same, as clear as his heart allows him to remember, but more intense. Like the taste of a bittersweet wine that over the years has become sweeter, and stronger, and unforgettable. And Touka doesn't pull away. Her hands aren't even touching him, paralyzed against his chest in an attempt of poor self-defense. She doesn't slap the shit out of him, or yell at him to stop, she doesn't do anything at all. She doesn't _think_ of anything at all. Her teary eyes fall shut the moment his lips take her and her body is rammed against the wall. The burning fire of his breathing against her mouth is more than enough to appease the coldness that she'd carried within her during eight long years. Eight years… and a simple kiss of just ten seconds has completely melted it down.

Kaneki tilts his face to one side, the last pressure of his mouth against hers, the last stroke of his tongue on her lower lip, his vigorous fragrance impregnating everything around her. For years, Touka thought this feeling had died, completely vanished from her conscious. She thought that in her heart there was only room for hate, and there still was. Touka hated the texture of his lips, she hated his mischievous tongue that wandered through every unexplored territory and the firm grip of his hands holding her jaw. She hated the simple idea of _trying_ to hate him, because right now she's unable to hate him at all.

She just can't.

Kaneki breaks the kiss, slowly opening his eyes again. He notices her own firmly shut, their foreheads still crashing, the subtle tickling of her nose against his own sending shivers down his spine, feeling like a damn teenager all over again. Kaneki closes his eyes again, blindly wiping a tear that slowly slides down her cheek with his thumb.

They remain quiet for a moment until Touka decides to look at him, and finds him with his eyes still closed. Her lips tremble, and Kaneki never opens his eyes when Touka's hands softly pull _his_ hands away from her face, and these fall heavily at each side of his body. Kaneki never opens his eyes when Touka sneaks out, and her footsteps become distant when she grabs her phone from the counter and leaves the shop without muttering a word, without closing the door properly, or turning off the lights, or grabbing her keys.

Touka leaves, shivering hands covering her mouth in pure horror, and Kaneki never opens his eyes.

Not even a second.


	7. The Old Taste of Your Lips

**A/N:** yaaaaaaaay! i managed to update faster than i thought i would, i'm very happy and proud. I've been wanting to write this chapter for a long time now, it's really cool to have all the chapters already written (basically the summary) and finally get to write them when the moment comes, i get super excited.

The next chapter is gonna be 🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥 IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN, so please wait for it 🙏 if you liked this chapter, please, a comment would be more than appreciated :') Thanks for reading!

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 **«Yes, No, Maybe»**

 **Chapter 7:** The Old Taste of Your Lips

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 **NOTE:** I do own Sayanara's consent/agreement to _both_ keep posting our stories in the same platform despite the similarities between our fics. We both are OK with each other and we have discussed our issues in private, as it should be. Thanks.

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The hours pass slowly, and Touka doesn't return home.

 _Haise is waiting for me,_ yet she doesn't go home.

 _You told him you'd be right back_ , yet, she doesn't return.

Touka keeps walking. The shop is long gone now, lost in a place she doesn't remember, and her feet keep leading the way through the night, the pad of her fingers still firmly pressed on her lips as the tears drown her entire face, the wind of a cold December freezing them right against her cheeks. Touka walks, and walks, and keeps walking until her sense of direction is completely gone, and she stops at an empty park, gently illuminated by the flickering spark of a streetlight. She takes a seat on a bench, breathing softly, and starts to cry.

Touka cries until she lacks the voice to keep on sobbing, until her eyes ache from how swollen they feel. Her fingers keep caressing her lips, already tainted with the taste of another man, and she only cries harder at the thought that Kaneki isn't just _another man_. He will never be one, a stranger. He will never just be Haise's brother.

She's shivering, and her eyes remain lost on the cold floor when the sound of her phone vibrating in her hand forces her to come back to reality. _Reality._ Touka looks at the screen, disoriented, to see Haise's name on it. He's calling. She sniffs, and rapidly wipes out her tears, as if he was able to see her. Touka picks up the phone and her lips are quivering before she even emits any sound, she doesn't even know what to say, what kind of lie is she going to come up with to fool him once again, because this is not the first time.

It's not.

And Kaneki was right, she was constantly lying to him.

Haise starts talking as soon as she picks up the phone, not waiting to hear her voice first.

 _"Touka?"_ he says, and she can already tell how worried he is. _"Are you okay? Where are — "_

"I'm fine," she stutters, and that's all she says, she can't think of anything else to add even when she should. Even when he, above all people, deserves an explanation.

 _"What happened?"_ he insists. _"Did you find your phone? It's been an hour."_

An… hour?

Touka's eyes fall shut, more tears keep falling, she represses a faint sob by covering her mouth with the palm of her hand and praying that he won't hear it.

 _"Bunny?"_

She sighs, taking a deep breath.

"I'm fine," she repeats, like a useless robot. "I… I j-just… I found Kimi on the way home, we started talking and I…"

Touka stops herself, her words floating in the air like the smoke of the cigarettes she enjoys secretly, because everything has to be a secret when it comes to Haise. When she drinks, when she smokes, when she texts his brother, and thinks of him, and meets up with him, when she kisses him. They're not married yet, but Touka already feels like this isn't the way a marriage is supposed to be like. Her mother never lied to her father like that. Her father? He didn't even know what lying was; his ears would go red whenever he even tried to make a surprise for Hikari and keep it a secret, he couldn't even try.

Touka sighs, realizing that her poor statement sounds like the most ridiculous excuse she's ever come up with. Haise grows quiet for a moment, and Touka realizes that he's _clearly_ not believing any word she says. Touka rubs her eyes, her chest begging to cry but keeping it there, burning her shivering lungs.

 _"Kimi?"_ he finally says, completely doubtful, and there's something close to sadness with the way he says it. Something close to disappointment.

 _Why are you lying to me?_

Touka nods, he can't see her, yet she nods, and forces a smile.

"Y-Yeah," she breathes out a shaky chuckle. "But she already left, I'm on my way home now. Go to bed, I'll be there in a minute."

 _"Tou — "_

She ends the call before he can finish saying her name.

Touka stays there for a moment, absently staring at nothing around her, feeling the tears drying on her cheeks as the wind picks up its pace. Five minutes, ten, twenty, twenty-five. Finally, she returns home. Her broken presence leaves the park and as she walks the lonely streets of Tokyo, Touka prays that Haise won't be awake when she arrives. That he will be asleep, that she won't have to explain herself, that she won't have to say anything that will threaten to confuse her even more.

When Touka opens the door of her house, all the lights are off. She gets rid of her shoes and jacket, and stays there, in the middle of the living room, staring at the darkness as if hoping this will swallow her in, as if feeling that, during a brief moment, she doesn't belong anywhere.

What is she even doing?

Touka silently walks to their room to check on Haise. He's in bed, with Ken, and she can't really tell if he's sleeping or not, but he's not moving, so she returns to the living room and grabs a blanket to stay in there instead, she doesn't want to go to bed. Touka cuddles on the couch and smokes a cigarette in silence. It's the first time she smokes in the house, and at this point she doesn't even care anymore. If Haise finds her smoking or not, a simple cigarette can't even compare now to the rest of the things she's been hiding to him.

And she smokes a second. And a third. And it doesn't matter. Touka grabs her phone and sends Nishiki a brief message.

Today, 10:30 PM.  
If Haise asks you if I've seen Kimi tonight, tell him I did.

The answer arrives as quickly as she sends it.

Today, 10:31 PM.  
Why, what have you done.

She sighs. He knows her too well, doesn't he.

Today, 10:31 PM.  
I'll tell you later.

Nishiki doesn't respond after that, and Touka puts the phone away, staring at the window in front of her and smoking her third cigarette when she hears Haise's steps coming closer from the room, and closer, and closer, until the weight of his body falls on the couch beside her, mussed hair and lazy expression, it seems like he wasn't able to sleep after all. He lays his head against the backrest, silently staring at her.

After a moment, she hears him sigh.

"No matter how much I try, I won't make you stop smoking, right?" he says, gently, almost as a joke, a way to break the tense atmosphere lingering in the air, both can feel it.

"Then don't try," her words display the same gentleness too, but her mouth breathes out the smoke as she speaks, she's becoming an expert again. Touka's eyes fall on him, she's not smiling. "Don't make me hide it from you. I don't like doing it behind your back."

Haise stares at her, silently, wholly, and after a minute of silence he nods, softly, two times.

"Okay," he simply says, and Touka looks away, eyes going back to the lonely window in front of her. But Haise changes the topic, and her swollen eyes and dead smile don't go unnoticed for him. He too, knows her well. "What happened, bunny."

Her heart twitches, and her fingers squeeze the cigarette more firmly in her hands.

She doesn't say anything.

The image of Kaneki comes to her mind, and she can't stand it. It's stronger than her. This feeling, this taste, this heart that doesn't stop beating, that hasn't stopped for more than eight years.

Why did he kiss her?

 _Why?_

Why _now?_ After everything he told her in that bridge, every word still tattooed on her body like an ugly bruise she can't get rid of, an ugly scar unable to heal. It's still bleeding, it aches with every passing second, minute, day, year.

 _I only kissed you because I felt sorry for you, crying and acting like a baby, it meant nothing to me. I felt nothing._

That's what he said that day. The memory of his words tear her chest apart and Touka has to contain herself to not break and start crying right in front of Haise. Why, why did he kissed her again if he only felt sorry for her? Did he feel sorry for her now? He laughed in her face that day, he's been laughing of her all these years, remembering her like the fool she used to be, ready to leave home behind and follow him to whatever place he wanted to go.

Right now, she feels completely humiliated.

"I know something happened," Haise continues, acting like the investigator he is, ready to unravel her secrets. But he's kind about it, unlike Kaneki. He's soft-spoken, wanting her to open up to him. "Tell me."

Touka keeps her eyes on the window, feeling how they burn, and water, and her vision blurs.

"Do you feel sorry for me?" she suddenly asks, catching him off guard. Her face is contorted in something he can't understand, a mixture of pain, and shame, and fear. Her fingers hold the cigarette near her face, but she's not smoking. "Do you think… I'm someone to be sorry for?"

Haise frowns, deeply confused, and changes his position on the couch. He sits better, straight, getting a better view of her expression.

"Why…" Haise swallows, trying to make up his mind. "Why are you asking me that?"

She shrugs, she truly has no answer for that.

"I don't know," her whisper comes off broken, hoarse for the smoke in her lungs. "Sometimes I feel I'm quite pathetic and that people feel sorry for me. That always makes them walk away."

Haise makes a face, the oh, no type of face. He knows how this goes, and he thought it was only part of the past. The way she used to think people would abandon her, her unspeakable and ridiculous fear of others getting bored of her, of Haise changing his mind about living together, and get a house, and get married, and make a life together. He never understood where did those insecurities come from, she never had them as a child, even less as a teenager. But they started soon after Haise left school and joined the Academy with Kaneki.

"Come on," Haise protests, frowning. "Do you really think I will walk away? I paid quite a lot for that ring, you know. Can't back off now."

He smiles as he speaks, a stupid attempt to make her laugh and release the evident tension in her shoulders. Touka's cigarette is dead on the ashtray now, and she looks at her ring, touching it softly. It shines brighter than anything else in the darkness of the room. Haise swallows, smile softly vanishing.

"T-Touka…" he says, scratching his forehead. "You… you're not… doubting, right? I mean, it's totally understandable if you do, I — "

Touka sighs, feeling guilty again.

"I'm not," she says, looking up at him.

Haise continues.

"No, but, it's okay if you do. I know that I asked you to marry me way too soon, and we don't have to marry now, you know? I mean, we already live together, so it's okay, nothing really changes. It's just a piece of paper after all."

"It's not a piece of paper to me," Touka looks down for a moment, feeling Haise's pierce gaze upon her. "I'm not doubting. I made you a promise, and I'm willing to keep it."

Haise smiles awkwardly, almost uncomfortably.

"Is that what this is to you? Just… a promise?" he chuckles, and she can see he's nervous. "I don't want you to marry me because you promised me you would. I want you to marry me because you want to."

"I do want to," she nods, offering a faint, weak smile. "Really."

He waits for a moment, he waits for more words, more smiles, but there's nothing. She's silent, so Haise nods, not really knowing what to say.

"Okay," he keeps nodding, thinking that maybe he should add something else. But the only thing he says, is: "Good."

She nods too, and her eyes go back to the window again, and Haise keeps staring at her in silence, leaving him wondering how is that he's been trained for years to understand people, to know when they're lying, or saying the truth, but he finds himself unable to understand what's going through his girlfriend's mind?

"We… uh, we should go to bed," he adds, slowly getting up from the couch, expecting Touka to follow him, but she doesn't. "It's getting late."

Touka grimaces, looking at the couch.

"Go first, I'll go in a minute," she offers a tired smile.

Haise doesn't return the gesture. He looks at her for a couple more seconds, nodding dumbly.

"O-Okay."

He leaves in silence, turning around one last time to get a final view of her. She keeps her eyes on the window, the pad of her fingers gently touching her lips over and over. With a sigh, Haise returns to the room, and once Touka knows he's gone, she closes her eyes, burying herself in the warmth of the blankets and allowing the tears to wash her face once more.

 **—o—**

 _Two weeks later._

It was a Wednesday that Touka decided to wake up very early in the morning, earlier than Haise, and leave the house way to the shop before he could wake up to go to work. To be honest, it was quite early to open the shop at this hour, but she didn't want to stay in the house, and she still had to clean up the tables, and keep cleaning every little spot she could find until there was nothing else left to clean, and all of that would probably keep her busy for a few hours until 9:00 AM.

And she needed a distraction.

Touka sighs, staring at the clock. 8:30. She had already finished cleaning the tables and washing the dirty cups from yesterday, and she still had work to do, but her phone kept on ringing, and ringing, and ringing. And she knew exactly who it was.

She ignored every single one of his phone calls. Even after opening the shop, even when she heard the phone vibrating over the counter as she prepared the order of a customer, she ignored it, and told herself to block his number as soon as she was done. She had promised her mother to stop by the house to eat lunch together, so her shift was going to end quite soon. Then, she could just turn off her phone and _try_ to forget about it.

But Kaneki wasn't going to give up that easily.

Touka finds herself cleaning the last remaining table of the day and waiting for the last four customers to leave the shop so she could close up, when the dark figure of Kaneki approaches from the corner of the streets, he's walking fast, with his hands jammed inside his black coat and probably hoping that he will find her there. Touka flicks up her gaze, every muscle of her body freezing in place, her heart throbbing painfully inside her chest. During these past two weeks, she had gotten used to his constant phone-calls, but she was definitely not used to him looking out for her like this, to the point he would abandon the CCG building just to go out and find her.

Why, why is he doing this.

Kaneki doesn't knock at the door or patiently waits for her to open it. He simply enters the shop, as if the place belongs to him, and Touka doesn't have anything else to do but to clinch the dishcloth more firmly in her hand.

His eyes give the place a quick look, and then sighs, eyes coming back to her.

"What are you doing here," she demands in a quiet tone, not wanting to drag the attention of the customers, giving one step back.

She _has_ to keep her distance. Her _physical_ distance.

"We need to talk," he says, looking down at her.

"I don't have anything to say to you," Touka takes off her apron, slightly throwing it behind the counter.

She moves around rapidly, turning around to grab her phone on the counter and hiding it in the pockets of her jeans. Her legs keep on walking, moving towards the kitchen and she hears his steps following her endlessly.

"I've been calling you all week," his voice complaints behind her, annoyed. "Why didn't you answer me?"

Touka doesn't respond.

Ignore him, ignore him, ignore him, ignore —

"Kirishima-san."

Ah.

It still hurts.

Touka opens the fridge to take the cake Haise gave her, the one she's supposed to bring with her to her mother's house for dessert. Kaneki is standing behind her, watching the way she places the box with the cake inside on top of the counter, and closes the fridge, and keeps on ignoring him. She makes an attempt of turning around to grab something in a different place, but his hand rapidly moves towards her arm, gripping it tightly, and he drags her towards the wall, forcing her to stay still.

Touka gasps, his touch is burning her, the sudden impulse with which he grabs her. He clearly hates being ignored like this.

"Kaneki — "

He looks mad.

"For how long are you gonna keep ignoring me, huh?"

Touka tries to break free from his grasp, but he's too damn strong, pushing her against the wall every time she tries to move forward.

"For as long as I want!" she yells, and tries to move again, unable to succeed. Her eyes look at the door, peering the inside of the shop with fear. "Asshole, move! Someone can see us!"

"I don't care," he insists. Part of his hair is covering one eye, and she grimaces at the feeling of his leather gloves on her skin. "I told you, we need to talk."

She's already starting to lose it.

"I don't wanna talk to you!"

Kaneki blurts out a shaky gasp, offering a mockery smile in return.

"Well, I do, so fuck off."

"You fuck off!"

Somehow, that makes him smile softly. It's a simple grin, subtle in his lips, and Touka's body stops fighting for freedom. She feels it too. The nostalgia. This is how it used to be back then, cursing each other for no reason at all and ignoring each other for weeks, sometimes, even months. But somehow, no matter how much time could pass, they always end up coming together again. They can… easily forgive each other, even when both are resentful, and wouldn't allow this kind of behaviors from anyone else. Touka could hurt him deeply, Kaneki could hurt her deeply, and yet, the mutual affection seemed to be eternal. Undying.

Touka feels the nostalgia. She does. But she also feels stupid, stupid as she felt the day he left her in the bridge. And it's funny, how she thinks he left her when they weren't even dating, when they were nothing but strange friends. But he did. She knows he did.

For that reason, Touka doesn't return his smile.

"Listen to me," he says deeply, and she listens. "Can we meet up somewhere else? I don't wanna talk here. Meet me on the — "

Touka manages to catch him off guard and break the grip of his hand. She pushes him back, and Kaneki's face is tinted with a slight touch of surprise by the way her eyes shimmer. They're glossy, and quite swollen too.

"For what?" her voice breaks in the middle. "To tell me to not get the wrong idea? To make me feel like an idiot again? To say that you kissed me because you felt sorry for me?"

He blinks, frowning, he shakes his head repeatedly.

"W-What? No, I want — "

The expression on her face is heartbroken, even for a heartless man like him.

"Wasn't that enough for you? Didn't you fuck me up enough already? What is that you want from me? Do you really hate me that much?"

Hate?

 _Hate?_

Kaneki looks startled, and extremely offended by her words.

"Hate?" he speaks slowly, and the way he's looking at her, he doesn't look stiff and emotionless as he always does. "Do you… do you _actually_ think I…"

He gasps, and Touka doesn't move, her eyes growing wetter, and for a moment she finds herself wishing that he would finish his sentence, even if it's stupid, even if she knows she shouldn't expect anything at all from him. That's how ridiculous she is.

Kaneki sighs, softly shaking his head.

"God, I always knew you were dumb but not this much," he whispers, more for himself than to her, and there's certain softness as he says it.

"Just… stop," she cuts him off, and moves him away. She grabs the cake. "Stop pretending that you care."

Touka leaves him behind. She doesn't turn around when she reaches the counter, and after a few more minutes, Kaneki leaves. Her hands tremble as she stares the way he does, shutting the door a tad too loudly, making the windows around her shake with the tremor. Once the rest of the customers are gone, Touka closes up the shop and leaves way to her parent's house.

 _Hate? Do you actually think I —_

Stop.

 **—o—**

Hikari opens the door as soon as Touka starts knocking it, holding the cake in her hands and trying to pretend that her day is going smoothly.

"Ah, Touka!" her mother smiles brightly, looking younger than ever, with her fluffy hair and mischievous eyes. "For a moment I thought you wouldn't come."

Touka snorts, frowning as she gets inside the house.

"Why wouldn't I?"

Hikari delivers a rapid glance behind her, to the door.

"Oh, Haise is not coming with you?"

She shakes her head.

"No, he had work to do but, uh, he made this cake for you," she holds the cake in front of her mother.

Hikari smiles sweetly, closing the door.

"He's always such a sweetheart. Come on, lunch will be ready soon."

Her mother takes the cake and brings it to the kitchen, and Touka allows herself a moment to look at the house, sighing with nostalgia. It had been a while since the last time she came to visit her parents, but the house always looked the same. Bright, the smell of something being cooked in the kitchen always lingering in the air, the soft plants her father kept around the windows, some of Ayato's shoes scattered all around the floor…

It always looked the same.

Touka sighs, entering the kitchen to help her mother with the food, but she slightly turns around when she hears the door being open, Arata and Ayato arriving home carrying a bunch of bags in their arms, her brother holding most of them with an uncomfortable expression and keeping half of an apple in his mouth. She smiles at them, waving her hand, and Arata smiles too.

"Oh, sweetie, you're here," he stumbles a little when trying to get inside. "A-Ah, Ayato, don't push me.

Ayato makes his way to the couch, finally throwing the shopping bags and flexing his arms.

"Why did you make me carry the heaviest ones?"

Arata puts his bags on a chair instead.

"Your old man is getting… well, old," he chuckles awkwardly at his own game of words, and walks towards Touka to hold her cheeks in his hands and place a kiss on her head.

"Hi dad," she greets, and gets close to the bags, peering inside. "What did you guys bought?"

Hikari comes from the kitchen with some empty plates, placing them on the table.

"Ayato broke the Christmas tree so I told them to buy a new one."

Ayato gasps, offended.

"I didn't break it!" he hesitates for a moment. "I just… stumbled a bit, and that fucking tree was — "

"Language!" her mother adverts, going back to the kitchen.

Arata sighs, scratching his head apologetically.

"I… uh, I'll go help your mother."

Arata leaves, and a brief silence grows in the living room. Touka looks at her brother, he looks down at her, releasing a sigh that makes him look younger than he actually is. Ayato is nothing compared to the kid he used to be years ago. He had gotten very tall, and handsome, and his voice was deep and masculine. Her brother blurts out a sigh, breaking the silence.

"Wanna go up?"

Up.

She smiles, nodding.

"Sure."

As their parents keep on preparing lunch, Touka and Ayato abandon the living room to walk up the stairs and enter his bedroom. Ayato opens the window widely, and he goes first. One leg, then the other, and as the gentlemen he never was, he holds her hand to help her pass through the window, and then, they're up, high up in the rooftop, sitting on it like they used to do when they were younger and having a clear view of the peaceful neighborhood, the soft breeze of Winter fluttering their hairs in the air.

Touka sighs, embracing her legs against her chest.

"This is nice."

Ayato nods lazily, and his hands travel to the pockets of his jacket to grab something that, at first, Touka thought it was his phone. But to be honest, it was way too small to be a phone. Touka gasps when he plucks out a tiny glass pipe, a fucking glass pipe, and a lighter, and a petty plastic bag with something green inside. Was… was that…

He opens the bag, grabbing the content and putting it in the pipe.

"A-Ayato… what the fuck — "

He blurts out an annoying sigh.

"Shut up."

Touka squints her eyes, trying to get a better view of it.

"Is that… is that _fucking_ weed?"

"Shh!" he hisses, irritated. "Stop screaming."

Touka stares in awe at the way he uses the lighter to light on the pipe, waiting for the herbs to burn deeply.

"Who gave you that?" she asks, extremely confused.

Sine when Ayato smoked?

"Sachi," he replies.

Touka frowns even deeply. What the hell?

"Sachi?" she stays silent for a moment. "The karate teacher?"

Ayato rolls his eyes, and leads the tip of the pipe to his lips, inhaling in the same way she does when she smokes.

"He's not a karate teacher, you idiot," his lips expulse the fume slowly, and this one travels in the air until it vanishes. "He's… uh, well, he's a… um…"

"Ayato, seriously, what the hell. Does mom know — "

"Of course she doesn't, so shut up," Ayato keeps smoking, and gives her a dead eye. "It's just weed, and you stink like tobacco too. Did you start smoking again?"

Touka sighs, looking away, thinking that she isn't any better than him. In fact, she might be even worse than him. Her eyes fall on her hands, nodding softly.

"Yeah, kind of."

Ayato inhales and exhales, the strong perfume of his pipe hitting her right in the face.

"Why? What happened?"

Touka bites back a bitter laugh. He knows, he knows she smokes when she's nervous, when something is troubling her deep inside, when something is broken in her life that she has to find solace in a stupid cigarette to feel normal again. Over the years, as Ayato grew up, he got better at understanding his sister, by offering his ears whenever was necessary, whenever she needed to. Touka sighs, wondering if she should say it or not, if she should still keep that secret buried in her chest until she couldn't take it anymore. But being alone, on a rooftop, she feels safe. Whenever she says, it feels like it won't reach anyone's ears. The wind will take her words, and vanish them in the same way they vanish everything else; time, the fume of the cigarettes she smokes, the tears falling down her face…

Touka keeps staring at her hands, playing with her nails.

"Kaneki and I… we kissed."

Despite the gravity of her shameful confession, Ayato doesn't move. His expression remains serene, he keeps smoking his pipe in silence, looking at her until he isn't anymore, his dark eyes wandering around the stunning view that surrounds them, and continues to listen when she speaks.

"First, in a CCG meeting. Then, two weeks ago, he came to my shop and… it just happened."

Ayato continues to smoke, nodding softly.

"I see."

Touka gasps, guilt eating her insides and forcing her to look at him, flabbergasted.

"That's all you're gonna say?"

Her brother makes a pause, blinking softly.

"What do you want me to say?"

Touka stays quiet, breathing growing erratic with each passing second.

"I don't know… that I'm a bitch? Because that's what Nishiki said when I told him, that's what Haise is going to think if he finds out. I screwed it up, Ayato, so tell me that I — "

Ayato sighs, the fume leaving his lips as he does.

"I'm not going to do that," there's something heavy lingering in his voice, a weary feel to it. "You're not a bitch for being confused."

Confused?

Touka frowns, shaking her head as she feels the palm of her hands sweating desperately.

"I'm not conf — "

"You know," he starts, holding his glass pipe and inspecting it serenely. "The day you told us you were dating Haise… I was quite surprised. We all were."

Touka dwells in his hands, thinking of his words, frantically searching for a way to deny it.

"Why?" she simply asks, genuinely curious.

Ayato gasps, looking at her as if she's crazy.

"Why?" he repeats, snorting with disbelief. "You never looked at Haise that way. Then one day, out of the blue, you were dating him?"

Her lips tremble, completely surprised by his comment.

"I-It wasn't out of the blue, I — "

"Touka," Ayato turns off his pipe, placing it on the rooftop. "Look, I really think you need to figure out some shit. You wouldn't be telling me this if it wasn't a big deal. You're fucking confused, stop lying to yourself."

Unable to hold his gaze, Touka looks away, granting him the victory. Her eyes fall shut, sighing deeply, holding her legs more firmly against her chest in a poor attempt of consolation. Absently, she touches her lips again.

"I don't know what to do."

Ayato sighs, shrugging softly.

"Stop whining and feeling guilty, just figure out what you wanna do."

Figure it out.

 _Figure it out._

How?

Touka rubs her face, trying to clear out her mind.

 _How._

 **—o—**

They return to the house and spend the remaining hours eating together, catching up with her father's work, her mother's new hobby, their plans for Christmas, and Touka can't believe that the holidays are only one week away, that in a few more days, the year will be over… and somehow she's still trapped in the past. With a sigh, after finishing, Touka helps her mother clean out the table and take the dishes to the kitchen. She leaves her phone on the counter as they wash everything in the sink, in silence, and Touka blurts out a silent sigh when her phone starts vibrating over the marble, over and over again, the screen lighting up with Kaneki's name on it.

And the view doesn't go unnoticed for Hikari.

She peers at the phone, the way it vibrates and the call ends, receiving messages instead. They pop out in the screen.

 _Kirishima-san._

 _Answer me._

 _Come on, don't be a bitch._

The list goes on, and on, and on, and Hikari stares, and then flicks up her gaze to Touka, who's taking care of the dishes with a serious expression.

"Touka," her mother speaks, and the tone she employs to say her name makes her shiver. "Why… why is Kaneki — "

Hikari stiffens in her place when Touka doesn't even look at her, when it seems as if her words mean nothing at all. Touka grabs the dishcloth to rapidly dry her hands and take her phone, she turns it off immediately, leaves it on the counter and continues to wash the rest of the dishes. Hikari gasps, astonished, and gives her a confrontative look.

"Touka," she repeats, firmly this time.

Touka releases a cup with evident irritation, this one crashes on the sink, and she looks up at her mother.

"What."

What? Is she really asking that?

Hikari gasps again, shocked.

"Touka," Hikari makes a pause, frowning and with eyes wide open. "I thought this was over."

Touka nods, shrugging with indifference.

"It is over," her hands go back to the dishes, this time, her hands shake.

"Touka," Hikari definitely isn't making things easy for her. "This needs to stop."

God.

"Stop telling me what I have to do, I'm not a kid anymore," she complains.

"You're gonna get married soon!"

Touka throws a fork in the sink, and looks at her, extremely frustrated.

"I know that!" she yells, and Hikari gives one step back, completely speechless.

What the hell is going on here?

Hikari swallows hard, placing a hand on the counter for support. She looks disappointed, extremely disappointed, and Touka can't help but feel tired of it. Tired of all the judgmental opinions. When she told Nishiki about it, he strangely thought it wasn't a good idea, and that she shouldn't even have Kaneki's number added on her phone in the first place. Even if Haise wasn't Nishiki's favorite person in the world, he understood the boundaries of a compromise, he'd been committed with Kimi for years, unable to draw his eyes away from her. She didn't expect him to judge her so easily, and the piercing thought of wanting to tell Yoriko about it too, seeking for some advice, completely vanished after seeing Nishiki's reaction. Yoriko was already married, the perfect wife, the perfect companion… of all people, Yoriko was the last person Touka could talk to about this. Of all the people, Ayato was the only one who didn't condemn her about it.

But now, her mother was.

"Does Haise know about this?" Hikari asks, being completely serious.

"Mom, stop," Touka insists, and her frustration is making her eyes grow wetter again.

Hikari snorts.

"Touka — "

"I'm so tired of everybody judging me, I don't need that from you too…"

"Judging you?" Hikari can't believe what her daughter is saying. "Do you… what is that you expect me to do? Do you want me to praise you?"

That was the straw that broke the camel's back.

Touka felt dirty inside, felt like she was being called out for being a whore. She grabs her phone, taking off the apron, and starts walking away from the kitchen.

"I'm leaving," she simply says.

Her mother calls out her name, following her, and Arata walks towards them when he spots Touka trying to leave. He approaches, confused.

"What — "

Touka leans forward on her toes to kiss her father's cheek.

"Happy holidays, Dad. I'm not gonna spend Christmas here."

The statement leaves both, Arata and Hikari, completely shocked.

Hikari tries to grab her arm.

"W-What? Touka, wait — "

But Touka is rushing towards the door and before anyone can stop her, she's already outside, walking away from her house as her fingers run through her hair in desperation. She keeps walking, and walking, and in the middle of it all she grabs her phone, and turns it on, and the first call she receives it's from Haise.

Touka sighs, attending the call.

"Hey," she says, closing her eyes.

 _"Are you still in your parent's house?"_ he asks.

"No, I just left. Where are you?"

She hears a noise in the background.

 _"I just got out of work, are you okay?"_

Touka nods, another lie added to the list.

"Yeah, hey, can you pick me up? I'm really tired, I just wanna go home."

 _"Sure, I have to go somewhere else for a minute but I'll take you with me."_

She nods, sighing.

"Okay."

 **—o—**

Haise picks her up with a beaming smile and a warm cup of coffee ready in his hand. Touka forces a smile, even when she's grateful, and gets in the car with him, kissing his cheek for a moment.

"I bought you a coffee, it's so cold today," he shivers, rubbing his hands together dramatically.

She smiles, taking a sip.

"Thank you," the car starts moving, there's a song playing on the radio, and he seems to be in a good mood today, as usual. "H-Hey, can we… can we do something together today?"

Haise lifts up his brows, amused, and nods. He seems happy that she suggested that.

"Something like what?"

She shrugs, staring at the city.

"I don't know, we could just stay home and watch a movie, it's been a while since we've done that."

Haise nods again, excited.

"Sounds great," he smiles as he drives, and takes her hand, and plants a soft kiss on her knuckles.

She sighs.

Focus. Focus on him. Do what you have to do.

Haise keeps on driving for several minutes, and Touka looks around, slightly confused. He said he had to go somewhere else for a moment, and Touka takes herself a minute to inspect the streets, squint her eyes, decipher where are they heading to. Yeah… she knows this path, it's clearly not foreign to her, but…

"Hey," she mutters. "Where… where are we going?"

Haise raises his brows, coming back to reality.

"Oh, I forgot to tell you," he announces. "I'm going to Kaneki's place for a moment, he needs to give me some stuff."

Kaneki?

Touka's body tenses tremendously. She starts to sweat, and her heart throbs way too fast that she has to place her hand on her chest, as if begging to stop. Touka swallows, dying with anxiety. Was that the real reason for why he was going to his brother's place? What if Kaneki told him something? What if he got mad that she wasn't answering his calls, and he decided to take revenge for it? It was getting hard to breathe, so she opens the window, and closes her eyes, and begs, begs, begs. She should have answered her phone, she should have —

They stop. The car stops. Haise pulls over in front of his building, the one she'd visited weeks ago… without telling Haise. He grabs his phone, takes the keys of the car.

"Okay, let's go."

Touka grimaces.

"I… I'll stay here."

He sighs, wrinkling his face.

"Ah, bunny, come on… it will only be a minute, besides, I need someone to help me carry the boxes he'll give me back to the car."

She groans.

"He can help you with that."

"He won't do it, you know that," Haise opens the door, ready to leave. "Come on."

Touka sighs, cursing behind his back, and opens the door. The wind hits her face but it's not enough to appease her nervousness, and this one grows, and grows, and keeps growing when they enter the building and Touka has to pretend that this is the first time she's ever been in here. They walk through the aisle, take the elevator, and Haise keeps on talking. He says Kaneki was planning on moving out soon to a different building, and that he's loaded with things he doesn't want anymore, and told Haise he could get them only because he wanted to get rid of them as fast as possible. Touka nods, pretending to listen, and she feels unable to swallow when the elevator reaches the floor, door 125, and Haise knocks at the wood a couple times.

Touka stays behind him, arms crossed against her chest, and Kaneki opens the door. It seems as if he already knows it's Haise, but he definitely wasn't counting with her presence.

"Hais — " Kaneki stops, eyes drawing away from his brother to fall on her, standing behind him. He doesn't seem shocked, he looks extremely annoyed. Ah, he really was mad, after all. "Did you _have_ to bring her?"

Haise sighs, already growing tired with an argument that hasn't even started yet.

But Touka is faster to disrupt.

"It's not like I wanted to come, you know?" she complains. "He forced me."

Haise frowns, turning around.

"H-Hey! I didn't — "

Kaneki sighs.

"Whatever, just get on with it, I'm not in the mood for visitors."

He opens the door widely so they can come in, and Haise enters first, patting his shoulder with gentleness.

"Huh? Are you alright?"

Kaneki walks away, and Haise follows him, and their voices become just an echo as they disappear in the distance, and Touka enters too, taking a different path with extreme boredom and anxiety. The first time she came here, she only arrived with the purpose of delivering back the stupid box he sent her, so she didn't really have much time to look at his apartment apart from the evident obviousness like the dark walls, the fancy furniture, the coldness of each corner. But now, she allows herself a moment to walk around the place, paying attention to the smallest details.

She keeps her ears alert to the things they say, apparently, they're in his room.

"Wow, this is a lot of boxes, are you sure you don't want these things anymore?" she hears Haise say.

Touka stops at the small kitchen, unable to find a single thing out of place. There's a small flying skeleton bat hanging from the wall near the fridge, and she recognizes it immediately. It was a toy he had in his room when he was little, and she can't help but smile a little, touching it slightly and watching as the wings swing up and down.

"No," Kaneki says. "I just want to get rid of them. There are some clothes in that box in case you want them, or you can just give them for charity or something, since you're so good and kind."

Touka keeps walking, peering at the shelves around the living room, but there's nothing valuable. No pictures, or something she considers might be important for him. She sighs, heading towards his room. Unlike the living room and basically the rest of the house, his room is a bit messier. Some clothes scattered around the floor and bed, books on his desk, cups of coffee on his nightstand. They keep inspecting the boxes, just to make Haise sure of what he's getting, however, Kaneki flicks up his gaze at her for a moment when she enters the room, but rapidly stares down at the box, resuming the conversation with his brother.

Touka sighs, walking around, the bedroom is big, bigger than her own, and she snorts when she sees a white bra hanging on the backseat of a chair. What an asshole.

 _Seriously._

Touka grabs the bra, and holds it in the air in front of him. Both, Haise and Kaneki, look at her.

"I didn't know you had a secret identity," she mocks. "Is there something you wanna tell us?"

Haise blurts out a weary sigh, always in the middle of their stupid disputes. Kaneki delivers a cold smile, feigning kindness.

"Actually, it's a gift for you. You can keep it if you want, I have more things to give you as well."

Touka snorts, throwing the bra at his face.

"You're disgusting."

He catches it in the air, and Haise groans, irritated.

"Ah, can you two stop? Let's focus. Kaneki, are you sure you don't want these books anymore? Because I — "

Touka turns around, irritated, and keeps on walking around the house until she tops in front of his bookshelf. It's bigger than Haise's, of course, and filled with more variety of books. She runs the fingers through the names, they're mostly part of old collections, classics, philosophy, those… weird and depressive things he always reads. The pad of her fingers keep sliding through the spine of the books, and they suddenly stop when she reaches Peter Pan, right in the middle. Peter Pan was his favorite book as a child, he always used to carry it around with him, right under his arm, or his backpack, and read it over and over again. She grabbed it, taking it out from the shelf, and realized that it was the same he had before. Touka sighs, eyes growing tired and sad, and she opens the book. He fingers run through the old pages, a little yellow by the years that have passed. She flicks the rest of the pages with her thumb, rapidly, until she passes through a page that has a paper folded in two, right in the middle of the book.

Touka frowns, curious, and rapidly sets her eyes in his room. They're still talking, and Kaneki doesn't seem to be paying any attention to her. Touka returns to the book, and grabs the piece of paper, unfolding it slowly.

Her hands almost drop the book onto the floor.

She blinks, holding a deep breath, and her lips part slightly.

It's her drawing.

Her old, old, ancient drawing.

 _I drew something for you._

 _This is you, riding a bike, and this is me, with a rabbit on my feet. And this is a sheep, behind you, your favorite animal. And this is the sun and a tree. The sun is green because I ran out of yellow, sorry._

Her hands tremble as she holds the paper. It was her drawing, her drawing. The one she made for him on her first day of school, the one she made for him because he was feeling sad. And… he still has it. He still has it.

 _Just… don't treat it like trash, and keep it safe._

Why? Why did he still have the drawing? Why did he say all those things, but still kept her drawing safe? Inside his favorite book? Did it mean something for him? Did she… did she still mean something for hi —

Touka's body twitches furiously when an arm appears behind her, and snatches the book out of her hands. She turns around immediately, finding Kaneki dressed in his black shirt, closing the book with the drawing inside and putting it back again on the bookshelf. They share a quick glance, his one is cold, her own is dying for an answer. Haise is coming from the room, and Kaneki turns around, ignoring what just had happened, and Touka's lips part with the intention of saying something, even if she doesn't know what to say, but he's already gone, giving her his back as he finishes his talk with his brother and it's time to leave.

As Haise predicted, Kaneki didn't help with the boxes.

"Ask your _future wife_ to help you," were his final words before shutting the door firmly right in their faces.

Haise sighs, holding one of the boxes and looking at the ceiling for a miracle.

"Ah, what a brat," he laments, looking around, at least they didn't have to carry the boxes down the stairs, they could use the elevator. "Bunny? Are you alright?"

Touka blinks, coming back to reality, and delivers a clumsy nod.

"Y-Yeah."

"Okay then, let's get going."

They carry the boxes to the car, and drive all the way home.

During the entire trip, Touka doesn't make a sound.

 **—o—**

The night arrives slowly.

They pick up some food on the way home, and they fall on the couch to eat while enjoying the movie they mutually decided to watch, but the truth is that Touka was unable to eat more than two bites, unable to pay attention to what was happening in the movie, completely immersed by the events in Kaneki's house.

He has your drawing.

He still, _still_ has your drawing.

Why, why, why…

He saw her. He saw her looking at it, now he knows. He knows that she knows.

Should she call him back? Ask him about it? But, with what right?

 _Figure it out,_ Ayato's voice echoes inside her head. _Stop whining and feeling guilty, just figure it out._

Touka closes her eyes, and the movie is over before she can even realize. Haise smiles, taking back the plates to the kitchen and commenting how cool the movie was, mentioning his favorite parts, Touka nodding like a stupid robot, out of courtesy. He returns with two cups of coffee, and the way he looks at her makes her realize that he wants to discuss something.

"Hey, bunny."

Touka grabs the cup, sighing.

"Mmh?"

He hesitates, smiling softly.

"Uh, remember what I told you a few months ago? That the CCG was planning to celebrate Christmas out of town, you know, just a few of our investigators."

Touka represses a sigh. She already knows where this is going.

"Yeah," she whispers back.

He nods.

"Well, they confirmed it yesterday. Christmas is next week so, what do you say? We're all gonna be there. Arima-san, and my squad too. My mom and the kids are spending Christmas with my aunt this year, but we're all gonna be back for New Year's Eve to celebrate it together."

Touka keeps staring at her mug, trying to find the proper words.

She decides to honest this time.

"Haise," she says, grimacing. His smile disappears. "I'm sorry but… I… I really don't wanna go."

His brows arch in surprise, but he doesn't look mad. He never looks mad for anything, and it's quite frustrating sometimes.

"W-Why not?"

She gets comfortable on the couch, resting her knees against her chest.

"I just…" she sighs, feeling guilty for rejecting the offer. "I just don't feel like socializing, you know? I don't wanna spend Christmas with them. And, to be honest, I don't even feel excited about these Christmas anymore."

Going to that party means that she will have to see Kaneki. She doesn't want to. She doesn't have the courage to look at him in the eyes after what she saw in his house today.

Haise stays quiet for a bit, nodding.

"Okay… well, we don't have to go if you don't want to."

Touka groans, irritated.

"Why don't you go instead?" she complains. "Stop canceling plans because of me. You've already missed many reunions in the CCG because I didn't want to go, you don't have to take me everywhere, you can still go by yourself."

Haise sighs, not wanting to discuss it.

"Touka, is fine," he says, holding his cup. "I'm not gonna leave you here alone on Christmas, I — "

"No, but I can see how excited you are about that trip," she insists, and places her hand on his shoulder. "I don't wanna take that away from you. You can go, and then we can spend New Year's Eve together, like we always did. It's not a big deal."

Haise looks at her, doubtful, he doesn't feel strong enough to accept her offer, to leave her alone on such an important night, but…

"But…" he starts, blinking softly. "What… if I leave, what are you gonna do?"

Touka smiles.

"I'll spend Christmas with my parents," she lies. Lies. Lies. More lies. "Uncle Yomo is coming over too, and he will bring his crazy friends like he does every year and get drunk. It's gonna be fun, so don't worry about me. Go with Kaneki and everyone else, it's gonna be good for you."

He chuckles, lazily scratching the back of his head.

"Ah, well, it's only gonna be us, to be honest. Kaneki isn't coming."

Kaneki isn't coming.

Her smiles vanishes, and her hand remains stiff on his shoulder.

What?

She blinks. She blinks again. And again.

And again.

"W-What?"

Haise nods, grimacing.

"Yeah, I thought it was weird too since Arima insisted him to go with us. You know, since my mom is leaving with the kids, I thought he didn't want to come because he was going to join them, but he said he won't. He says he'll be working that day."

Touka looks away, and retrieves her hand, and looks into her cup with a miserable expression.

Fuck.

 _Fuck._

Haise looks at her, rubbing her back.

"Hey, are you sure you want me to — "

"Yes," she repeats, nodding softly. "Seriously, Haise, it's okay. Like I said, I'll spend Christmas at my parent's house. I'll get you a present for when you return."

Haise keeps staring at her, still not convinced enough.

His fingers brush her hair.

"Are you sure? I can stay if you want me to, really."

She shakes her head, falling to the realization that she will spend Christmas alone, in this house, making him think that she's having fun with her family. Her year was already ruined.

Touka smiles at him, nodding once again.

"I'm sure."

Liar.


	8. The Heart Wants What It Wants

**A/N:** OKAY, AAAAA *SCREAMS* I'M SO EXCITED FOR THIS CHAPTER. I've been wanting to write it since the first time i started with this fic, so it's a big accomplishment for me to have reached this point in the story. I really don't have much to say because i don't wanna spoil anyone, but there's A SMUT in this chapter, just so you know! i'm really not sure what songs recommend to read this chapter? 😂 just... read depressive shit like i did while i wrote it, i cried the whole time lmao. There's a scene in this chapter that i took from _the end of the f** world_ that i really like & also an excerpt from _the fire between high & lo_ that i wanted to add because i found really beautiful.

Anyway! we're reaching the ending of this fic, there's only two more chapters left. I hope you enjoy this one and I hope i can update the next ones as fast as possible. If you liked this, please comment excuse any grammar mistakes&thanks for reading!

* * *

 **«Yes, No, Maybe»**

 **Chapter 8:** The Heart Wants What It Wants

* * *

Numb.

Everything is numb.

The burden of life—the burden of an old kiss, too—feels heavy upon her being, scratching every corner of her mind, squeezing every part of her body, forcing her to hide underneath the sheets with a broken sigh.

The sunlight prickles her skin through the open windows, and she doesn't bother to look around and check for the hour, Haise is already up, as always, getting ready before her, coming back to the bed once he's done, as always, just to wake her up.

But she's already awake. As always.

He's excited. He's leaving today, to the party the CCG is gathering outside the city to celebrate Christmas. But, to be honest, it doesn't feel like Christmas for Touka. The air feels sadder, the house feels empty even if Haise is there, and it's going to be even more empty tonight, with her presence alone and _probably_ the bottle of wine she's planning to buy to grant her some company. Her mother had texted her last night, begging for her to make up her mind and come to the house tonight, but Touka didn't answer. Despite her own complaints, maybe she wanted to be alone, maybe she wanted Haise to leave, and ignore her mother's messages, and isolate herself like she did in the past after starting college. It was happening again, wasn't it?

"Bunny," this time, Haise isn't as patient. His voice is kind, and excited, and warm, but he's in a hurry, and there's nothing Touka hates the most than being hurried by other people. "Come on, get up, we gotta go."

Touka looks at the way he turns around, checking his tie around his neck, his brown suitcase already packed next to his desk. He wasn't coming back until New Year's Eve, it was only a week, even less, but for Touka already felt like an eternity.

She sighs, gazing at the ceiling.

"What time is it?"

"9:00 AM. Come on, I'll make you a coffee."

He heads to the kitchen, her fingertips absently caress the skin of her lower lip. The taste hasn't gone, it's still there, lingering in every corner of her mouth.

Her eyes fall shut.

It had been a week.

A week with no news from Kaneki. Haise never mentioned him again, and Touka never asked. She never got new messages, new calls, her phone was empty and her name forgotten. Did he delete her from his contact list? Did he ever think about calling her, but quickly put the phone down before doing so? Was he mad at her? Because she never called him back, because she rejected him when he was trying so desperately to reach out for her? Why would he give up like that if he seemed so desperate?

 _It doesn't matter,_ her voice whispers, _it doesn't matter._

Touka abandons the coldness of the bed to enter the bathroom, take a shower, fix her hair in a comfy half ponytail and get dressed with a simple black overall. When she reaches the kitchen, her coffee is already made, lying on the counter waiting for her as Haise's voice lingers in the air through the middle of a phone call he's having with Arima, making sure everything is ready to go to start their trip.

Her lips taste the coffee between sips, absently staring at the sink, the TV and Haise's voice mixing together and creating a sound she can no longer decipher. In the midst of it all, her hand grabs her phone, her fingers tap her contact list and they scroll all the way down to Kaneki's name, _Bakaneki_ , and that's everything her eyes look at for the next ten minutes. Haise's call has already ended, the coffee is now completely cold in her hand, but her eyes keep groggily staring at his name as if waiting for something to happen, she doesn't exactly know what.

There are so many things she doesn't seem to know anymore.

"Bunny?"

Haise's voice makes her lids shake a couple times, awakening her from her slumber. She puts the phone away, looking at him.

"Y-Yes?"

He makes a pause, studying her expression. His eyes travel to the cup in her hand, almost intact, and then back at the taut eyes.

"Everything alright?"

Touka nods, swallowing.

"Yeah…"

Haise delivers a soft nod too, features forming a gentle smirk.

"Well, we should get going then."

Touka places the mug in the sink, nodding again, hiding her phone in her pockets. In silence, Haise grabs his suitcase and Touka her jacket, and both abandon the house way to the car. Touka stops at the entrance, eyes softly rising to the sky, snowflakes raining upon her, landing on her nose, covering her entire hair. It was snowing. She always liked snow, ever since she was a child. Kaneki and Touka used to play in the snow every Winter when they were kids. Every morning, from the first day to the last, Touka would wake up very early, as soon as the sun revealed itself in the horizon behind the skyscrapers, and she would grab her purple jacket, her green boots, her pink gloves—and complain when her mother would insist her to bring Ayato with her because _he's little and wants to play too!_ —and run all the way to Kaneki's house, furiously knocking at the door and waiting for him to come out.

And he always did. Sometimes with a smile, sometimes with an annoying grin

 _"Why would you wake me up so early?"_

 _"Because it's snowing!"_

 _"Yeah, I know that, stupid."_

but he never said no. As soon as they started to play in the neighborhood, he would easily forget his annoyance to keep up with her restless heart. And the tradition continued even as they grew older, and playing in the snow had become a ridiculous thing that only children were allowed to do, they were older, young souls wanting to live their lives to the fullest, but even still, Touka would walk the path to Kaneki's house, and knock at the door, and find him opening it with a tired grin.

 _"Are we still ten?"_

Touka never found an answer to that question, never bothered finding one. But now, many years later, maybe she knew. Despite the evident annoyance of a seventeen-year-old boy, he would still leave the house with her, finding a nice spot in the snow to smoke in silence, watching her build a snowman with the dedication that only a hard-worker like her could carry out in her veins. Every year had a different Winter, a Winter they used to spend together just like they spent the rest of the seasons, watching the leaves die sadly onto the ground to then rise again in full color during Spring.

Her eyes blink softly to the grey sky, they fall shut when a snowflake kisses her face and she realizes that Kaneki is no longer there, in every season, as he used to be. No more Winters, or Springs, or Summers, or Autumns. One day, he was there. The next, he was gone.

How… how did she survive? How did she manage to stay alive all these years?

"Touka?"

She opens her eyes, the image of Haise holding the door for her, waiting for her to get in the car. His skin looked pale under the coldness of the day, the snowflakes falling upon him and finding camouflage in his hair. He looked soft, and beaming, eyes always shimmering, brows always raised high. Having him was a gift she never deserved, and for a moment she wonders if this is the right thing to do. She wonders, and doesn't let guilt overcome her. She _has_ to ask, otherwise, she will throw everything to the ground.

Touka nods, giving one step further and taking the passenger seat, Haise getting his spot beside her. He drives as the old Christmas songs play on the radio, filling the entire car. He grabs her hand, she squeezes it harder, and when they arrive at his mother's house and he lets go of her hand to get out of the car, Touka almost begs him to grab her again, because she knows his brothers will be inside, _all_ of them, and she's never felt so vulnerable in front of Kaneki before as she feels now. But Haise never takes her hand again, he happily leads the way inside to the house, and Touka follows, squeezing her fingers together, and the warmth of the living room welcomes them when they get inside.

The windows are open, the view of a white Christmas lying ahead behind the glass, and Rieko is standing in front of it, silent like a midnight kiss, staring through the window with a solemn serenity. Haise says her name, and it's only then when Rieko realizes they've arrived. She turns over, and the tired but gentle smile she delivers is something Touka feels won't be able to forget. Never. It warms her up, envelops her with a touch that it's almost foreign. Rieko smiles, softly, weakly, almost as if she was about to break. Haise smiles back, kind as he is, and his mother approaches to kiss his cheek, and take Touka's hand, and sigh when Haise says that she looks pretty today, wearing that braid.

"I was watching the snow," Rieko whispers, slightly turning around to check the view once more. The curtains are open, the snowflakes freezing against the glass. "It looks… very beautiful."

Haise nods, not questioning her strange choice of words. He never seemed to be able to question anything at all.

"Yeah," he agrees, looking around. "Where are the kids? Are they packing already?"

"They're in their room," Rieko answers softly.

Haise sighs, smiling.

"Okay. I'll go give them a hand."

He looks at Touka for a moment, almost as if he's seeking for her approval. She nods, patting his shoulder, and he marches way to Shironeki and Kuro's room, leaving her alone with Rieko, but she doesn't seem to be paying much attention to her. Her eyes keep staring at the window, and they only look away once her phone rings, and she delivers an apologetic smile to go upstairs in order to attend the call, and with a sigh, Touka decides to imitate her.

She walks towards the window and stays there, lying against it, staring at the snow falling onto a pale soil, and her eyes only drift away when her ears capture the sound of Kaneki's voice, a little distant inside a room, and everything inside her freezes as much as the cold glass she's leaning onto. Softly, her eyes look to the side, and she realizes she isn't far away from Ken's room, the door is slightly open and she can catch a little of what's inside. The blue suitcase lying open on the bed, little Ken standing next to it, Kaneki's hands carrying small pieces of clothing into the suitcase. He's helping him pack.

"I don't wanna go," Ken's voice complaints in an angry whimper, and he doesn't seem to be helping Kaneki with his clothes. "I don't wanna spend Christmas with the aunt. I wanted to stay, but Mom didn't let me, she says I can't be alone in the house but I told her that I could stay with you instead! Can I stay with you, Kaneki? _Please?"_

Even from the distance that keeps them apart, she can perfectly hear Kaneki's deep sigh.

"It's not me the one who decides," he replies, tiredly, but softly. "I don't have a problem to take you with me but she won't let you, _especially_ if it's me."

Ken makes a pause, he looks down.

"B-But… I wanted… I wanted to spend Christmas with you. The aunt doesn't let me eat chocolate before dinner, and she sends me to bed too soon, she says I can't be awake when Santa comes but I already know she's the one who places the gifts under the tree, not Santa. Shironeki says Santa isn't real."

"We can spend time together when you return," there's a pause, and another sigh. "Ah, come on, don't be a little shit, stop making that face. Look, I'll buy you something for when you're back, okay? What do you want?"

"I don't want anything," Ken complains, stubborn. "And Kuroneki says that you can't fix things with a present."

"Shut up," his hands close the zipper of the suitcase. "And try not to act like a spoiled brat in front of Mom. If anything happens just call me, you have my number."

"What are you gonna do tonight?"

Kaneki takes a seat on the bed.

"I have work to do."

Ken gasps.

"W-Work? But… but it's Christmas."

"It's like any other day for me."

Touka sighs, looking down at his commentary. She can also hear Haise's voice coming from the opposite room, way more cheerful and excited in comparison, joking and giggling and joking again. They're so different, and Touka feels like a huge piece of shit by comparing them the way she does. With a slight hesitation, Touka's feet move guided by Haise's voice, wanting to reach the place where he is, but her destination requires to walk past Ken's room, and before thinking that she was _actually_ just about to make it through, Kaneki and Ken walk out of the room and she stops with a silent gasp, path blocked, hands freezing.

Ken looks up at her, brows arching in a gentle surprise. Kaneki's reaction couldn't be more different, though. His eyes look down at her for a moment, blink twice, and without showing any surprise to see her there, he keeps on walking, slightly pushing her aside with his shoulder and his presence gets lost through the door that leads to the kitchen. Touka holds her breath, fingers touching her shoulder.

"Hi, Touka-chan!"

She offers Ken a forced and awkward.

"Hey."

Ken gets distracted easily, and Touka takes advantage of that to enter the kitchen with the firm conviction that she does not know at all what she's doing. Kaneki is searching for a match, a cigarette butt slightly pressed between his lips. Touka adverts his quick eyes on her when she enters, but they are back on his task as quick as she arrives. She walks towards the sink and opens the faucet, letting the cold water run tortuously through her trembling hands, a stupid excuse to do something while he's in there.

He finds the match the moment she speaks.

"We need to talk," she whispers, rubbing her hands together under the water.

Kaneki lights the cigarette and his eyes squint softly when the smoke hits his face, his hand agitates the match to turn down the fire and his eyes fall on her pale face with a cold expression. He doesn't look mad, more like… uninterested. Distant. Bored. Extremely tired.

"Talk?" his voice comes off hoarse as he takes a long drag on his cig, suggesting the idea as if it was something stupid. "I told you everything I needed to say already. Unless you want to add something else, that is."

Touka turns down the faucet, grabbing a dishcloth to dry her hands.

"But you haven't called me," as her mutter grows, she keeps her eyes fixed on her hands, realizing how stupid that statement sounds.

He seems to find it stupid too, because he chokes with the smoke and delivers a soft, amused chuckle. Touka looks up at him when he does, and for a moment he looks exactly like he did eight years ago.

"Call you?" his lips expulse the smoke as he continues to speak. "You wanted me to call you?"

Touka sighs, eyes falling shut for a brief moment.

"That's not what I me — "

"Hey, you big ass jerk," Shironeki's voice makes Touka jump right off her place. She rapidly takes one step back, as if being caught up breaking into someone else's room without permission; and Kuroneki, standing right behind Shiro, adverts her strange reaction. They meet eyes for a second, and even after Touka looks away, she can still feel his eyes upon her. Kaneki, however, lazily turns around, annoyed by his sudden interruption. "We're leaving."

He sighs, throwing his cigarette into the sink and walking towards the exit.

"Call me that again and I'll beat the shit out of you," Kaneki passes before Shiro, rapidly dragging the edge of his Christmas beanie down his eyes until it's covering half of his face.

Shironeki squeaks, murmuring a shaky _fuck off_ in return but when he leaves, Kuroneki remains there, still looking at her. Touka swallows.

"Are you okay?" he asks, his lips tremble with his shaky smirk.

Touka nods, quicker than she probably should.

"Sure."

She walks towards the living room, where Haise's voice makes itself heard, and Kuroneki follows. Everyone is there, just as their suitcases, everybody ready to leave while she's going to stay.

"Everyone's ready?" Haise asks, excited as it can be.

Kaneki doesn't smile. He grabs his black jacket and dresses with it.

"I'm heading back to work now."

Rieko hesitates, giving one step, and Kaneki freezes when her hands travel to his jacket to help him put it on.

"Let me help you," she whispers, almost scared of his reaction. She smoothes the wrinkles on his shoulders and makes sure that the buttons cover his neck so he won't catch a cold. "K-Kaneki… are you sure you don't wanna come with us? There's still time, you can grab your — "

Kaneki stares at her hands on his jacket, still as a rock, and before she can add anything else, Kaneki grabs her hands and pulls them away from his body. She can almost hear him say _don't touch me,_ not because he actually said it, but because she knows him, and she knows that's what he's thinking.

"No, thanks," he simply replies. There's an awkward silence as Rieko steps back, swallowing, and Kaneki continues to fix his jacket without her help.

Haise's smile is gone, and Touka is unable to take her eyes away from Kaneki.

"Oh," Rieko nods, caressing the back of her neck. "Okay. W-Well, you can always change your mind if you — "

"I won't."

Kaneki turns around, where Ken is standing. He pats him in the head, leans to press a small kiss on top and heads to the door, leaving the house and shutting down the door as loudly as he can, his most personal signature. The sound reverberates in the living room, and not even Haise feels capable of breaking through the silence that his brother's absence leaves behind. In silence, Haise helps his mother and brothers carry out their belongings in his car. Rieko and Touka stand in the sidewalk, waiting for Haise to get everything in the car, and the distance that keeps them apart is an advantage that Rieko takes with open arms.

Her eyes gaze at the sky, at the thin snowflakes, and they look so solemn when she speaks.

"Touka."

Their arms are gently intertwined with each other, and Touka blinks at the mention of her name.

"Yes?"

There's a pause. Rieko stares at Haise and, for long seconds, she looks impossibly sad.

"Promise me that you will take care of him."

Touka parts her lips, following Rieko's eyes, and they fall on Haise. He smiles, so brightly that his eyes almost seem to disappear in his face; so brightly that she can spot the dimples on his cheeks even from afar. He helps his brothers with their suitcases, and throws out a stupid joke that makes Kuroneki laugh shamelessly. Both, Touka and Rieko, keep staring at him with opposite expressions, yet they seem to be looking at two completely different things.

She sighs, nodding softly.

"You know I will," she swears.

But that's not the response Rieko wanted.

The woman blurts out a shaky sigh, full of restrained annoyance, and closes her eyes for a moment before drifting her gaze away from Haise.

"I'm not talking about Haise," she complains, looking at her in a way that is almost as if the believes Touka is really stupid for not understanding,

Her body freezes under the snow, for more reasons than one.

"What?"

"I'm talking about Kaneki."

Touka swallows, and the pain in her expression is something that for Rieko is impossible to ignore. The way she blinks, the way her eyes get redder and redder every time she does.

"R-Rieko…"

"Please, Touka. Promise me that no matter what happens, you will be by his side."

Touka frowns, overwhelmed.

"W-Why are you — "

Rieko takes her hand, squeezing it firmly.

"He pretends he doesn't care, he pretends he can't listen, but he does listen to you. He will never forgive me, and he doesn't have to. I don't want him to forgive me, but I just need to know he's… that he has someone to trust. And he trusts you, I know that, I know _him_ , he's my son, and he trusts you. Please, promise me that you'll look after him. Please, Touka."

Rieko's hands tremble against her, and it's not until Touka gazes down that she can feel her own hands quivering too. If Kaneki's mom knew something, or knew nothing at all, it wasn't something Touka felt the need to unravel. Of all the people in his life, she was probably the one who knew the most about Kaneki's relationship with Rieko; the way he felt about her, the things he had told her, the things he didn't want other people to know, not even Hide. Was Rieko right, then? Did he trust her? Did Kaneki truly, truly trust her? Even now, after all these years? Why was Rieko asking something like this, when she knew she was about to get married to her older son?

Touka swallows all her questions, all her doubts. Without thinking too much about it, she nods, eyes fixed on their united hands, and she squeezes back.

"I… I pr — "

It's only a broken whisper, she can't even hear herself when she speaks, but Rieko's grip is firm enough to let her know that she's heard her despite Haise's interruption.

Haise's voice makes them both look up at him.

"Okay, all done!" he closes the trunk lid. "Are you ready, Mom?"

Rieko nods, delivering one last glance at Touka before getting into the car, shutting the door, and waiting for Haise to say goodbye. He was going to drive his family to his aunt's house and then leave for the CCG party, and his lips didn't take the opportunity to remind her that it still wasn't too late for her to join them.

"Bunny," he repeats for the tenth time. "Are you sure you don't wanna come with us? There's still time."

She takes his hand, shaking her head softly.

"No, I already told my Mom that I will stay with them," another lie. "Just… have fun, don't worry about me."

With a sigh, giving up, he nods, brushing down her hair.

"I'll call you after the toast."

Touka nods, taking his hands.

"Sure. I'll have your gift when you come back."

At the mention of such detail, Haise smirks softly.

"I'll bring you something too."

There's a pause, something that rarely ever happens between them. Touka hesitates, but ends up coming closer until her forehead is gently pressed against his chest and both arms secured around his back. She inhales the scent of him, always fresh and pristine, and her eyes fall shut when she feels his lips on her head, the affection in which his fingers sink in her hair.

"I love you," she whispers, sadly on his chest. "You know that, right?"

Touka _needs_ him to know.

He nods, squeezing her body against him.

"I know."

She holds on to him a little bit more, just a little bit longer until Haise has to gently push her away by the shoulders, giggling and joking about not being able to leave at all if she continues to cling so firmly. However, she doesn't laugh. Haise kisses her, one last time, before getting into the car with a smile and an "I'll see you soon" that Touka responds with a faint wave of her hand. The rest of his brothers wave their hands too at her through the windows and then he's gone, the car disappears into the distance and Touka remains in the same spot for long minutes, freezing to death.

She's never felt this empty in a long, long time.

 **—o—**

"Ah, look who decides to appear from the shadows. Why haven't you been answering my calls? You're such a bitch."

The bookstore welcomes her with a strong sense of coffee and the face of a four-eyed bastard. Nishiki leans against the counter, with an empty mug on his side and a long, freshly sharpened pencil between his fingers. The place is completely empty, as it would be on Christmas, and Touka feels almost glad that he has to work in such a day, even if he's not technically working at all, there are no customers to attend.

"I have a busy life, unlike you," Touka complains, walking towards the counter and resting her elbows on the shiny wood, releasing a sigh. "Why are you even working today?"

Nishiki shrugs. Whenever he looks down, his hair falls over his brow, and he fingers it back.

"My boss. I'll be leaving in an hour."

"Good for you," Touka looks around. "Do you have what I asked?"

Nishiki nods, almost bored, and lazily bends down to search for something in the nearest box.

"Yeah, who are you trying to poison?"

He comes back with a cookbook in his hands, letting it crash flat against the counter, the noise reverberates throughout the empty place and it seems like the only sound in the bookstore. Touka gives it a quick look, confirming it's the book she wanted.

"It's not for me, it's for Haise," Touka takes her wallet from her purse, getting the money. "He wanted it for a while now."

Nishiki remains quiet, silent eyes traveling from her face and back to her hands searching for the money. He delivers a fake, gratuitous smile when she hands him the payment and, in return, gives her a long paper with a pen. He points at it with his finger, comfortably placing his arms on the counter to simply observe her. The only interesting thing that happened that day.

"Sign all that bullshit."

Touka takes the pen, writing all the basic information in the formulary: name, ID number, address. Nishiki continues to stare, releasing a soft sigh.

"What are you doing tonight?"

Touka shrugs, focusing on her writing.

"Get drunk and watch boring reality shows alone, I suppose," she mutters, and the way she says it makes her sound like an old woman.

Disgusting.

"You're so miserable," Nishiki adds, scratching his nose and frowning at the idea. After a while, feeling merciful, he reconsiders. "Hey, if you don't have plans you can always stay with us, you know. It's not like we're doing anything special either. Kimi is going to make fried chicken."

"No, thanks. I'd rather choke myself to death than spend Christmas with you and Kimi."

Nishiki huffs, pretending to be deeply offended. Staying with him and Kimi? Forced to spend the whole night admiring their perfect love, their perfect relationship, the perfect way in which they treat each other. They aren't married, and Kimi told her many times that it was never in their future plans to do it, that having a ring wouldn't make her love him more. Having each other was enough, she said. Staying with them tonight would be a nightmare, it would feel like one, because Kimi is so sure about every single aspect of her life and that's something Touka can't relate to. Not right now.

Right now, she's a mess.

"I'll tell her you said that. She won't like it."

Touka doesn't answer. She continues to write, adverting Nishiki's eyes on her, and she's about to look up and ask _why_ the hell is he looking at her like that, until he decides to speak.

"Kaneki was here yesterday."

Her hand stops in the middle of the writing, but quickly resumes her task at the feeling of Nishiki's eyes scrutinizing her pale expression. His lips curve ever so slightly.

"Ah, really," she simply mutters, trying to sound completely uninterested, and continues to proceed to fill the next lines. Her phone number. Ah, what was her phone number?

Nishiki nods, resting his chin on his hand as if having the time of his life.

"Mmh. He came to buy another one of those depressive books he likes so much."

Touka lifts up her brows, nodding at the information, but her stare keeps lingering in the paper, quickly remembering her phone and writing it down as fast as she can.

"That sounds pretty much like him."

"Yeah," Nishiki sighs, tilting his face to one side and gazing at the way Touka signs the final page. "He asked about you."

That's when Touka stops.

Her hand freezes, despite having finished, and Nishiki notices that even if her eyes keep looking at the paper and the words she's written, that's the last thing she's able to see. There's a silence that persists as her eyes softly blink, and he can hear the sound of her sharp swallowing; then their eyes meet with a complicity that only two friends who know too much about each other are able to share. Nishiki raises one brow, expecting an answer.

Touka hesitates, firmly holding the pen.

"What…" she swallows, taking a small, broken breath. "What did he say?"

Nishiki picks his pencil up again and starts tapping the eraser end on the desk.

"Not much, he always looks extremely annoyed to come and buy things here but he knows he has no other choice since we're the only store that sells books at a cheaper price," he shrugs. "He just wanted to know if I had any news from you. When I asked him why, he simply said _what makes you think I would tell you?"_

He imitates the exact same tone, mocking him, but Touka sighs, holding the pen firmly this time. So Kaneki had been secretly checking up on her? Why? Why didn't he simply call her if he wanted to know how she was doing? Did he think she wouldn't respond? She… she would have, if he was that desperate. But after the things she said in the shop the other day… no wonder why he didn't make the effort again.

"I see," she simply responds, handing him back the paper and the pen.

Nishiki takes it back.

"So? Aren't you gonna spill the tea? What's happening between you two?"

Touka grabs the bag with the book, ready to leave, gazing at her friend one last time.

"Merry Christmas, Nishiki."

She wasn't going to stay here to get judged again. She walks away, hearing him mutter a lazy _yeah, whatever_ in response of her coldness but Touka doesn't look back. She leaves the store and walks, walks, walks, freezing mercilessly under the pouring snow.

 **—o—**

When Touka arrives home, she only encounters darkness.

Every corner of the house is submerged in thick shadows, the night had arrived sooner than expected, a strong reminder of the Winter devastating the city. The chairs are empty, the coffee cups from this morning still petrified on the counter, Haise's shoes resting silently by the door. Touka remains there, standing like the idiot she is, when the lights of a car passing by the street hit her face through the front windows, forcing her eyes to shut firmly and release an agonizing sigh.

Empty sighs, empty lungs, empty hearts. All of her screams emptiness. All of her.

Empty.

Touka turns on the lights, one by one, but she doesn't do the same with the Christmas tree. She leaves the bag on the nearest chair, and wonders if she should clean the table and wash the dirty cups, but decides not to. She doesn't even grab a glass to drink the wine she's bought, Touka walks directly to their room, puts on a broken pajama, turns the TV on, and lays down on the bed until she's cuddling herself to death, and that's how she spends the rest five hours.

Just lying down, hugging her pillow, ignoring what's happening in the TV to stare at the snowflakes dance in the air through the window, thinking about how excited she was for Christmas when the year had started and how hollow everything became in a lapse of three seconds.

Loneliness had always been her worst enemy, her biggest fear, ever since Kaneki left her in that bridge. From that moment on, everything changed. Her fears grew in size, and an empty room became the worst scenario possible. When the time came to move out of her parent's house, she'd decided to rent an apartment with Yoriko simply because she didn't want to be alone, and as soon as she knew Yoriko was soon going to move out with her boyfriend, as soon as Haise suggested the idea to find a place together, Touka didn't even find the time for hesitation. There was no hesitation at all. There was nothing worse than being alone, nothing worse than being abandoned, and Haise was always there to fill the space of her desolation.

When the TV starts playing some old Christmas classics, her phone starts to vibrate on the nightstand. Touka blinks, looking at the screen shining and begging for attention. After a few moments of insistence, Touka sighs, grabbing the phone and finding her mother's name on the screen. _Mom_. It was 9:00 PM, they were probably having dinner already, but Touka decides to ignore the call. She ends it, her name fading away and sending her to her missing calls, Kaneki's name leading the long list.

 _Bakaneki.  
Bakaneki.  
Bakaneki.  
Bakaneki._

All of them from past weeks, after he got tired of calling her to receive no response at all. Touka finds herself staring at his name for long minutes, so intensely that her eyes start to burn, and something in her chest is burning too. What… is he doing now? Is he alone in his apartment, just like she is? Is he sharing his evening with Hide? Is he… feeling extremely alone, extremely empty, just as she is now? They, more than anyone, understood what loneliness felt like. Whenever Touka would talk about how lonely she felt, he would nod, and look around, and blurt out a heavy sigh. He knew it too, and the thought that he might be feeling the same right now is tearing her apart, because she knows how much it hurts, and there was nothing more painful than seeing Kaneki suffering. In the end, that very same Wednesday years ago, he got expelled from their school just because she'd been hurt by someone else. He might have faked many things. He might have faked their first kiss, and many other bullshit he's told her but Touka knows, above all things, that what Kaneki did for her that day was not faked. He did it because he cared, he _cared_ for her. He used to.

What happened?

What happened to him?

Touka wipes out a tear, and sniffs, and turns off the TV before more depressive songs decide to break her. Rieko's words come to her mind, and in a stupid, rushed impulse, Touka taps Kaneki's name on the screen, and suddenly she's calling him, and shivering deep down to her bones, and her eyes shut firmly begging with all her heart that he won't answer once she leads the phone to her ear.

It rings, and rings, and keeps on ringing.

And Touka keeps on begging.

 _Please, don't answer, don't answer… I don't know what I'm doing right now. Ignore the call, please, don't answer me, don't an —_

 _"Yes?"_

Touka's eyes dart all around her, her chapped lips open slightly but the sound doesn't come out. He… he answered. He _actually_ answered. But… does… does he know it's her? Wouldn't her name appear on the screen too? Unless…

Did he delete her from his phone?

She seems almost embarrassed, instantly regretting this moment and she could easily turn the phone away and end the car, hide under the sheets and never wake up. He would think she's being foolish, and maybe he would try to call her back. Or maybe not. Maybe he will forget about it, maybe he won't care at all. Touka swallows, scared as a child, and says the first thing that comes to her mind.

"H-Hi."

There's a deep silence in the other line as her hands wring together, they crack and squeak and turn into pale fists. This is stupid, this is so stupid. He's silent for a moment, and that alone tells her that he clearly knows the voice that's speaking. She doesn't even need to hear him to know it's him, she can hear his breath, only his breath, and know that it's Kaneki.

Is he angry? Is he —

 _"What a surprise,"_ he breathes, full of annoyance, and Touka grimaces deeply, features wrinkling with shame. _"For a moment I really thought you blocked my number."_

The sound of a keyboard makes itself heard in the distance, and Touka realizes he's working.

"W-What? No… I didn't," she replies, frowning at his commentary. "I… I thought you blocked me."

His sigh pierces through the phone, right into her ear.

 _"I'm not that cruel, Kirishima-san."_

Kirishima-san.

Touka stares at the window for a couple seconds. There's music playing quietly in the streets, the sound of jingle bells passing by occasionally, and Kaneki's breathing. Her eyes close slowly, they flicker as they burn, finding herself with no words to say. There's so much she wants to say, though, yet she can't find the strength. What does she need to say that he doesn't know already? He knows everything. She told him everything, over and over again. Maybe that's the reason she always finds herself so frightened by his presence, because she's an open book to him. A sad, open book for an avid reader who loves tragic stories. It's sad, so sad.

 _"Kirishima."_

His voice twitches and quivers within her, they cut the wounds open and lick them once it's over. They're poison and wine.

"Yes?"

It's a mere whisper, broken and hollow. This time, his voice is quiet, soothing, and almost gentle. It reminds her of the way he speaks to Ken.

 _"Why are you calling me?"_ he queries, and the intrigue is bigger than anything else.

Touka wonders the same thing.

Why? _Why?_

Her shoulders shrug softly, and she can't help but be honest with him.

"I don't know," it's her answer and maybe, just maybe, it's also the answer Kaneki needs.

The sound of the keyboard decreases.

 _"I thought you were leaving with everyone else. To the CCG party."_

She bites the inside of her cheek.

"I didn't want to go."

There's a slight pause.

 _"Yeah, me neither,"_ his voice sounds deep, and Touka closes her eyes again. _"Are you in your parent's house?"_

Somehow, that questions makes her feel even sadder. No. She isn't.

"No," Touka feels ashamed by the way her voice sounds. "Not really."

 _"Why not?"_

 _Because of you. It's all because of you._

Touka rubs her eyes, the pad of her fingers getting moist with her unshed tears.

"I… I just…" she makes a pause, not wanting to lie about it. She sighs, letting it all out. "I had a fight with my Mom, so I don't want to be there, and I don't think she wants me there either. Nishiki offered me to come over to his place but I said no. And Yoriko left with everyone else. I'm just… home. I have wine but, uh, I haven't opened the bottle yet. I m-mean, I will… eventually, but I don't think I'll drink everything. I don't wanna end up like last time."

She stops talking once she realizes she's probably talking _way_ too much.

It almost feels like going back in time. When she would call him after a fight with her mother, crying about how unfair it was to be so young and unable to go out as you pleased. She called him the first time she got her period, screaming at him about how her friends found out about it and made fun of her. _What a crybaby. Want me to break their noses and make them bleed more?,_ he suggested, making her laugh in the process. She'd told him everything, completely unafraid, and being able to talk to him _now,_ after everything that happened, feels like getting rid of a deep thorn stuck in her chest.

 _"Kirishima-san."_

She blinks, softly, caressing her lower lip.

"Y-Yes?"

Did… did she say too much?

 _"It's almost midnight. Did you have dinner already?"_

Dinner?

She takes a breath, a bit overwhelmed by a question that little had to do with everything she's told him.

"Uh, no…"

There's a sound at the other side of the line.

 _"Me neither. Look, my shift ends in…"_ the keyboard again. He makes a pause, another sound. _"An hour or so. Meet me on the bridge, I'll take you to eat something."_

Her brows wrinkle just like the rest of her face. They meet in the middle, and her lower lip finds itself trapped between her teeth. Her shoulders drop so softly, so slightly, and a sigh escapes her mouth. She swallows, throat aching, and her voice sounds completely unrecognizable when she speaks.

The bridge.

Of all the places…

She's scared. She's so scared.

What if this is only a joke? What if he's making fun of her, just because he feels sorry for her? _Again?_ She shouldn't have told him anything at all, about her problems, about spending Christmas alone… now he feels sorry for her, and terrible things happen when he feels that way. If she goes there, she might have to wait for a long time, maybe the entire night. Maybe he will be around, lurking in the shadows, laughing at her for being so stupid.

But the heart wants what it wants. And every single heartbeat is begging for his name.

Kaneki. Kaneki. _Kaneki._

Touka swallows one more time.

"Will you be there?"

Kaneki feels dizzy the moment he responds, but his voice is loud and clear, or not so loud, just enough so Touka can listen. He just wants her to listen.

 _"I will."_

I will.

He will. He says he will.

And like a fool, Touka believes him.

Again.

 **—o—**

The Christmas lights of Tokyo flicker for long hours, shadows that throb like heartbeats ready to die. And they do.

They do.

The night is freezing. Snowflakes gently caressing every corner of a bridge that is empty and hollow, keeping a secret that nobody should know. That night, Tokyo confabulates to help them cover all their sins, to hide them away from curious stares and wash every tint of morality, every voice of reason lurking in the dark.

Touka leans against the bridge, staring at the cars passing beneath her. It's been an hour and fifteen minutes, and she's not ashamed to say that she counted it. She's freezing under the snow, rubbing her bare hands together and looking down at her clothes, wondering if maybe this was the right thing to wear in such a distinctive night: white sweater, a heavy black coat and a black skirt she combined with sheer tights because all her pants were in the hamper. It doesn't really matter, though. She's too nervous to think about that, to think about anything else but the hour on her phone, and in all the different outcomes this moment could uphold. She has no idea of what she's doing when the footsteps at her side increase the volume, and she blinks, and turns around, and her hands tighten around her phone at the sight of Kaneki walking towards her, arriving at the bridge like he did many years ago, ready to break her heart.

Was he going to do that again?

Break her heart?

His pale face shimmers in the darkness, and her eyes advert how tired he looks, how spent. He stops a few steps away from her, hands jammed inside the pockets of his coat and his eyes decide to inspect the surroundings for a brief moment before falling back onto her again. He looks to the side, sighs, steam comes out from his lips and then, he gazes at her.

Kaneki makes a slight movement with his head, a _come on_ movement, and he's already walking away before Touka can say anything else. He turns around, walks, and she doesn't have any other choice but to follow him with a certain tint of hesitation. Touka sighs, looking around, hiding her hands in her pockets and walking behind him, his tall back covering her like a shadow.

The streets are almost empty, the Christmas songs play every time they reach local stores and slowly fade away as they keep on walking. During the whole trip, Touka walks behind him, and Kaneki doesn't turn around to make sure she's following him. He knows she is.

"Where…" she clears her throat, nose freezing intensely. She should have brought a fucking scarf. "Where are we going?"

"I want curry."

Touka frowns, and proceeds to blurt out a deep huff.

"Curry?" she reproaches, finding it ridiculous. "Who the hell eats curry on Christmas?"

Without stopping the walk, Kaneki slightly moves his head around to peer at her over his shoulder. He looks annoyed.

"I do."

He doesn't offer any more explanations.

Touka huffs again.

"It's stupid."

Kaneki continues to lead the way for ten more minutes until they finally reach a small and cozy restaurant that offers a large variety of dishes—and it's surprisingly open despite being Christmas—, curry rice being one of them. He opens the door, making the bell ring and entering first. They find a place in a corner next to the window and an artificial fireplace, so she takes off her coat, hanging it on the chair. The atmosphere feels as weird as the last time they ate together, and just by thinking that this is the second time they do this… something stirs deep inside her guts. They share a look, but Touka quickly grabs the menu lying on the table and reads through all the dishes.

He scoops out a cigarette from his pockets, as usual, and lights it without even checking if the restaurant allows smoking inside.

A waitress approaches, wearing a red apron and holding her check to take the order. She gives Kaneki a quick look.

"You can't smoke here," she says, turning her eyes to Touka. He delivers an irritated gaze, the cigarette softly pressed between his lips. "What can I get for you?"

Touka responds before Kaneki can open his mouth.

"I will have a… uh, chocolate cake with extra cream," she starts, reading the menu. "Some cherries with chocolate syrup on top, oh, a hot chocolate too, the cinnamon one… and curry rice with an extra fucking spoon for this guy."

A deep silence follows. Touka blinks, checking the menu one last time and making sure she isn't missing anything else. Her eyes move towards Kaneki, who seems ready to murder her with his eyes, and then up at the waitress again. She doesn't look so nice anymore.

"Excuse me?" the woman arches a brow, incredulous.

Touka's body shrugs slightly with a great amount of innocence, not understanding. Her finger points at the man sitting in front of her.

"For him?" Touka explains the obvious. "A spoon?"

The woman sighs.

"You can't use that language here, okay? Otherwise I'm gonna have to ask you and your boyfriend to leave."

Boyfriend.

 _Boyfriend._

Touka bites her cheek so hard that it burns to the point that she wonders if it's already bleeding. She looks at the waitress, pursing her lips, and decides to speak again just when Kaneki is about to intervene.

"We're — "

"Okay," Touka disrupts him, grabbing the menu again.

Kaneki keeps his eyes on her, and the waitress nods, waiting for her to continue. But by the expression on Touka's face, and the heavy sigh she releases out of nowhere, Kaneki feels the impulse to stop her. His lips part, getting as angry as she is.

"Kirish —"

Touka licks her lips.

"I will have a fucking chocolate cake with this extra shitty cream…"

The woman gasps, horrified.

"Miss, I'm sorry but — "

"With some fucking cherries all on top and this damn chocolate syrup with the fucking curry. Oh, and the fucking spoon too, please. Is that okay with you now?"

The woman stares, speechless, and Touka doesn't need any more encouragement. She stands, taking her coat, and abandons the restaurant muttering a shaky _stupid bitch_ as she opens the door and shuts it so firmly that the windows quiver, so firmly that Kaneki would be proud. He groans, walking away from the table and following Touka to the street, where she's trying to put on her coat again. She gives him a quick glance when he joins her, and for a moment she wonders if he's angry, _really_ angry. But he just looks annoyed. Ah, if she had done that in front of Haise… she almost wants to laugh. She could never do that in front of him, and Haise would never believe she's able to such a thing.

But that woman… she said…

How dare she? They… they were not —

"Thanks for ruining my fucking dinner," Kaneki breathes, throwing his cigarette to the ground to step on it.

"You're welcome," Touka adjusts the coat all around her, freeing her hair. She sighs, looking around, and her hands fly to her face to scratch her forehead. "I'm… I'm going home."

Her legs make an attempt to move and walk away from him, but he stops her, confused.

"Huh?" he doesn't seem to understand. She turns around, stops, and looks at him. He truly, _truly_ doesn't understand. His confusion is almost innocent for someone like him. "Why?"

Her mouth opens slightly, tasting the sour flavor of reality. Her eyes look to the side, taking a soft breath, and then her eyes fall back on him again. He looks serene, patient, and confused.

"I shouldn't be here," it's her answer, straight as it is, real as it is.

Both know that full well, yet, they're here. They are already here. He managed to get her this far, he didn't even think she would agree to meet him on the bridge, of all the available places, and eat curry with him on Christmas. She was here, right in front of him, and he was here too. Not by coincidence, like that time at the bank. Or driven by family responsibilities, back in his mother's house. Kaneki asked for this, and Touka had agreed. This was mutual, they both were here because they wanted to, because they felt incredibly lonely and the only way to fill that emptiness was —

Kaneki swallows, taking a moment. He bites the inside of his cheek, body feeling heavy with defeat.

"What are you gonna do, then?"

The fact that Touka doesn't have a proper answer to that makes her shrug slightly. She looks down, to his feet, his shiny black shoes.

"Why do you care…"

Kaneki shivers, not moving.

"I care," he admits, forcing Touka to lift up her gaze. "You said you wanted to talk, remember? Well, we're here now. Spill it out."

Her eyes flicker to the ground again, sniffing slightly due to the cold. She can't even feel her face anymore. She can't feel her heart, or the voice of reason trying to break through her mind. She can't feel anything.

"I don't want to talk," and it's only a mere whisper, shattered by the steam that her lips release with each word.

Kaneki's eyes linger on her mouth for a moment. He swallows.

"But I do," he reaffirms, gaining her beaming and hollow eyes in return. "I do wanna talk."

 _You do? You really do?_

She thinks about all the possible things he would want to talk about. What about the drawing? Was he ever going to bring that up at some point? Because Touka had been unable to stop thinking about it, unable to ask him for the explanation she so fervently wanted, the answer she so desperately deserved. For a moment, curiosity invades her, and Kaneki takes her silence for granted. He sighs, tiredly.

"Let's go."

Kaneki turns around and starts walking again, a totally different direction, and Touka doesn't have any other choice but to follow him. Or maybe she does, she does have other choices, but she casts them aside to pursue her own selfish desires. Kaneki leads the way to an unknown destiny and Touka follows him from behind, keeping her hands inside her pockets. They walk for long minutes, not saying a word, not looking at each other, and the night grows even darker when Touka sighs, and looks around, and starts recognizing the path he's leading her into. They're taking the street way to his apartment. Of course.

They reach the building sooner than expected, they're just a few steps away from the entrance, and Touka stops. She stops in the middle, trying to think before acting, the words _you shouldn't be here_ resonating deeply within her. Touka stops, but Kaneki continues to walk. He reaches the entrance, takes his keys, and gives her a quick glance before opening the door and getting inside, not wondering why she's standing there like an idiot without making any move, not asking her to come in, or trying to rush her to get inside.

Kaneki opens the door and his silhouette gets lost inside the building.

How does he know?

How does he know that she's going to enter?

How is that he's so sure that she won't turn around and walk away?

He didn't even look back.

Touka swallows, breathes, licks her lips and stares at her feet for a moment. She's shivering, and continues to shiver when she gives one step, and another, and she enters the building, and takes the elevator that is already empty and lands on Kaneki's floor, the door 125 already open and illuminating the dark aisle with its yellow lights. Touka takes a deep breath, small hands turned into fists inside her pockets, and slowly drags the door of the elevator to the side, opening it fully so she can come through.

She shuts the door behind her once she's inside his apartment. The place feels as cold as she'd imagined being on a day like this, with the snowflakes covering the entire city. Kaneki is sitting on the couch, sinking himself deeply in the backseat and staring at the huge window by his left side, the buildings shining like large diamonds in the sky. He's smoking a cigarette, and there's a glass of whiskey lying in front of him, on the coffee table. Touka quivers, feeling small, and he doesn't look at her once she starts walking towards him and takes a seat in the opposite couch in front of him. She crosses her legs, rests her head against the backseat just as he is, eyes dwelling in the beautiful view through the window. They remain like that for a while, two miserable souls sharing a silence that does feel empty, it does feel hollow and cold.

Touka sighs, looking pointlessly to her side. Her eyes look up at Kaneki when she finds him with a book in his hands, fingers softly going through the pages but not really reading any word. He adverts her eyes on him, meeting her gaze for a brief moment before returning to the book.

He takes a moment, swallows.

"I always knew there was a child inside of me," he recites in his deep voice, he's reading out loud, "murdered the day that I was born. The story of my life was to bring that shattered child back to life again. It's from Samuel Beckett."

She huffs, eyes wincing at his words.

"That's so fucking depressing," her complaint makes his lips twitch in a gentle smirk. "Why do you always read depressive shit all the time? Can't you just read normal books like everyone else? Read Peter Pan."

Kaneki remains quiet for a moment, absorbing her words. He flicks his tongue, inspecting the pages of the book he's holding.

"Peter Pan," he mutters to himself. "Did you know the real story of Peter Pan?"

She's staring straight forward, eyes flickering in confusion.

"What?"

Kaneki looks at her, acknowledging her question with a brief nod.

"It's not that nice," he explains. "There was no such thing as a magic, in Neverland, that prevented children from eventually grow up. Only Peter was able to remain a child forever, so whenever the Lost Boys seemed to be growing, which was against the rules, Peter would kill them so they would never turn into adults. He would use his knife, and kill them at night, or fly through the air and throw them to the crocodiles."

Touka is quiet the entire ten seconds it takes him to speak, very slowly, a dark tale she wasn't expecting at all. She gasps, blinking once, twice, non-stopping, and her reaction seems to amuse him. Peter Pan might have been his favorite book as a child, but Touka grew up with it too because of him. What the fuck?

"W-What?" she says suddenly. "You're joking."

Kaneki purses his lips, hiding a smile. He sighs, tired.

"I didn't know this when I was a kid. I can't say that didn't disappoint me," he shrugs. "I was shocked, but I can't blame the author. Life is a disappointment, and it's not nice to lie to a kid like that, children believe everything they're told until they face reality and realize that everything was a lie. I can't judge Peter Pan after all, for wanting to conserve that innocence, keep the lost children with him."

He makes a pause, softly caressing the pages of the book, and it almost seems as if he's not talking to Touka anymore, completely forgetting her prescience in front of him. He's just talking. He's just venting.

"Peter was incredibly scared of being alone, he was the only child in the world who couldn't grow up. The Lost Boys were his family, they were all he had, and seeing them becoming adults right in front of his eyes was like a deep reminder that no matter what he did, he will always be alone. He couldn't bear that feeling, so he killed them all, over and over again. Peter hurt what he loved the most because he was afraid of losing it. He was keeping them safe of all the lies out there. I… I don't think I can judge that."

Touka's heart beats, and beats, and every part of her body tells her that she knows what he's trying to say, even if Kaneki isn't aware of it. He's naked in front of her, raw, wide open. Touka swallows, face contorting in a pain that it's also hers.

Everything feels too familiar to be alien.

"Lying…" she mutters, allowing herself a moment to breathe. She can't do it. "And hurting, and killing… that's… that's not the way you protect people."

Kaneki continues to hold the book, staring down at it. His voice is so quiet when he speaks, Touka barely hears it.

"Then how?"

Touka is still for a moment, watching him. Is he… is he really… asking something like that? He's not looking at her, but Touka wonders what his expression would be like if he could see hers. The paleness of her skin, the redness of her eyes, the fire in her chest that whispers that she should smack the hell out of him for being so stupid, so damn stupid.

What happened to him?

"Loving them," she whispers, and that's when he flicks up his gaze. Her heart throbs furiously when their eyes meet, her chest feels like it's about to burst into pieces. She just wants to cry. "You just love them."

Kaneki doesn't look away this time, but his lips turn into a bitter smile. Her bullshit doesn't convince him.

"Even when they hurt, and kill, and lie?"

 _Yes,_ she thinks. _Even still._

Even still.

Touka returns her eyes back to the window, feeling them moist and swollen, but not enough to shed tears.

"We love the things that hurt us anyway," she sighs, eyes red. "We always love the things we're not supposed to love."

He doesn't respond, and after a few moments of silence, Touka can't help but ask. It's killing her, it's tearing her apart, she _needs_ to ask him.

"Kaneki," she whispers, gaining his eyes in return but she's not looking at him. She keeps her stare fixed on the windows. She's about to cry, she's just about to. "Why did you have my old drawing in your book?"

Silence. There's so much silence as Kaneki looks away, and sighs, and Touka has to bite her lip and wipe out a tear as fast as she can so he won't notice it. He picks up his words carefully.

"You told me to keep it safe, Kirishima-san."

That's all he says.

Kirishima-san.

Her tears burn in her eyes. Her hands become pale fists, her heart stops beating. She had enough.

"Stop…"

"Stop what?"

"Stop calling me Kirishima-san," her lungs release all the air that she'd been holding. It leaves her empty, and he can see it, clenching his jaw. "I hate it when you call me that. I hate it so much."

Kaneki watches her expression, the way she seems to be holding back, and he hates it. Just as much as she hates being called that way, he hates when she holds herself back. When she looks at him with those damn eyes of hers and they never equal the intensity of her words. He hates the way she walks away when he knows she wants to stay. He doesn't say anything, and his silence is enough for Touka to huff, extremely disappointed, feeling her heart being broken all over again. What was she even expecting? She stands, dizzy and weak, and starts walking towards the door, ready to leave. She shouldn't have come, never. She's such a stupid, naive woman.

Her hand is about to reach the lock of the door when his voice makes itself heard in the cold, empty room.

"Touka-chan."

Her entire body freezes.

Her eyes fixed on her hand, unable to make a move.

 _Touka-chan._

Touka-chan.

Touka.

She can't even remember… when was the last time he called her that. When was the last time she heard her name with the sound of his voice, _his voice._ Her eyes fall shut, pressing together as the tears fall. He called her Touka-chan. For a moment, just for a moment, he felt like the Kaneki she used to know. He felt like Kaneki again, the Kaneki she loved so desperately, so intensely.

God, it hurts.

She can hear his steps getting closer from behind.

Her body turns around slightly, watching him walk towards her. He doesn't look mad. He just looks… he looks…

His lips part softly.

"Touk—"

In a second, before he can finish, Touka's hand is up in the air and crashing against his cheek, the sound echoing the deepest corners of his apartment. She doesn't regret it, not even for a moment. Kaneki gasps, giving one step back and grabbing his cheek in evident surprise, he wasn't expecting that at all. He blinks at the floor, moving his jaw very slowly, and there's a silence that grows and grows and it's choking them both. It's agonizing.

Touka turns around, opening the door to get the hell out of there, but he's faster than she thinks. He holds the door before she can open it completely and slams it back into place, the walls and windows and everything around them shaking in a deep tremor. The sound is terrifying, just as the way he grabs her arm, so roughly it hurts, and slams her against the wall so she won't escape.

He looks mad, and she looks mad, and this is also a reminiscence of how their relationship used to be. Always fighting, yelling, pulling, pushing, destroying.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" he demands. His cheek is red there where she's slapped him.

Touka gasps, trying to push him away.

"I hate you!" she raises her voice, face damped in tears. "I fucking hate you!"

Kaneki sighs, eyes full of mercy. He looks down, and shakes his head in disagreement, and leans closer until his large and pale hands are holding her face firmly against the wall. His fingers sink deep in her jaw, forcing her to look at him right in the face.

"You don't hate me," he whispers, his other hand pushes her hair back, clearing out her teary expression. "Touka-chan, listen to me…"

Touka-chan. It hurts even more now, and she can't help the sob that comes out from her lips. That alone warms up his broken heart. He sighs, deeply, inhaling and exhaling, and his forehead is slightly pressed against hers for a moment. She keeps trying to break free, but he's really strong.

"Touka, listen to me," he repeats, his voice is soothing and cruel. "It's okay, shhh, stop fighting, listen to me. Why did you call me today? Why are you here if you hate me so much?

His hands hold her face in place, he wants her eyes on his. He wants her to look at him, right into his soul. She doesn't respond, and that makes him smile. It's a broken, bitter smile. He's completely ruined.

"You called me… you called me because you have no one else, and it's okay," she stops fighting the moment his words gently hit her pale face, the way his hands brush her hair backward. "No matter what you do, you know I'll always be here for you. Your mother will judge you, everyone else will think the worse of you, including my brother, but you know that I won't do that. I would never do that to you."

Touka shakes her head, whimpering his name, but he nods. He nods, thumbs wiping out her tears. Each moment he speaks, her strength weakens, her body stops fighting back. As a boy, she loved him. As a young man, she loved him too. They were broken together, yet somehow whole. They were wrong together, but always right. She lost him, he threw everything away. She loved him. And for a few breaths, a few whispers, a few moments… she thought he loved her, too.

"You're here because I know you, because no matter what you do, I will never judge you. I know you're not perfect, you're a fucking mess just as I am, and it's okay, Touka, it's okay. You can walk away from here right now and get married to that fucking idiot tomorrow, but call me again the next day and you know that I'll be there because I have no shame. We keep walking away from each other and yet we're still here, no matter how far we go we're always here, it has always been you and me, it's _always_ going to be you and me."

Touka's hands manage to pull Kaneki's arms away from her. He steps back, and she looks completely destroyed.

"You kissed me!" she cries, their breathing mixing with each other in a dance that it's intoxicating. "You kissed me, and t-then you dumped me in that fucking bridge the same week, you said you did it because you felt sorry for me, you blamed me for your mother's accident, you said it meant nothing to you… and… and still…"

Kaneki blinks, lips parting with no sound. His eyes are red, just as his cheek, he's looking at the floor, frozen in his place, feeling like he's just seen a ghost.

"I know," he mutters, so softly it hurts.

She doesn't stop.

"You lied to me that day!" she yells again. "Y-You… you touched your chin… we p-promised to never lie to each other… you told me that right in front of my face, while you were lying!"

"I know…"

She gasps, pressing a hand right into her chest, as if trying to keep her heart inside from blowing up into pieces.

"Is that all you have to say?!"

He breathes softly, still staring at her feet.

"You…" he swallows, resting his head on the wall. "You said you loved me, on the phone that day, and I…"

There's a rush of adrenaline going through Touka's veins as she listens. Kaneki rubs his forehead with the heels of his pale hands, almost trembling.

"I never felt sorry for you, I never kissed you because I felt sorry for you," his voice is quiet. "What I did… the things I've done… I know I hurt you, and I wanted to hurt you, I wanted you to hate me, I _had_ to because…"

He stops, reconsidering his choice of words. He can't tell her the truth, not now, not _now_. She would never forgive him for that.

"I was wrong," now, he's looking at her. Touka holds her breath at the sight of his teary eyes, the bruise in his cheek becoming more and more prominent with each passing second. For a moment, he looked exactly like he did when he was little after a fight with his mother. "I kept thinking that I shouldn't have kissed you that day, things changed because I kissed you, but then, the more I kept thinking about it… I don't regret it at all. I made many mistakes in my life, but that wasn't one of them. I…"

He laughs, madly, a sob escapes his lips, a mixture of a giggle and a gasp, and his hand cups half of his face, hiding it.

"I… I ruined everything, didn't I? God, I really did ruin everything…"

"K-Kaneki…"

He laughs again.

"I thought that if I ignored you, I would stop feeling the way I feel, but I can't, I can't do it… I don't care about Haise, I don't care about anything at all anymore… you… you're the only thing I —"

Touka can't take it. She gives one step forward, biting her lip and feeling every part of her body burning with the rush of the moment. _The way I feel,_ he said. The way I feel.

"On the phone," she says, stuttering, "that day… I asked you a question, but you never answered me."

"I know."

She sobs, pushing her hair back in desperation.

"S-So… tell me," she pleads. "Tell me now, I don't care, I really don't care… I just need to know, please."

Kaneki watches her, clenching his jaw. His breathing is erratic, and she knows he's holding back.

"Touka…"

He's saying her name. He's saying her name, over and over again, after saying it the first time he seemed unable to stop.

"Tell me, if it's all a lie then I'll walk away and we won't have to see each other ever again, then I'll know it's true," her hands weekly wipe out her tears but it's pointless, they keep on coming. "I w-won't have any more reasons to stay… b-but it's killing me, it's tearing me apart…"

Kaneki doesn't speak.

She hates that.

"I'll ask you again," her voice repeats, and she can see his shoulders stiffening. Every part of her body feels like it's ready to burst at any moment. "And please, p-please… tell me the truth. Do you…"

Touka swallows, taking courage. God, it's so hard, it's so hard to ask this question eight years later, when so many things have changed, when she's about to get married to his brother, when she has a ring on her hand right now, but she needs to know. She's desperate.

"Do you still… f-feel… that y-you love me?"

He swallows, eyes heavy, ready to surrender. The question doesn't take him off guard, and he doesn't feel the need to touch his chin anymore, even if he should. He should do exactly what he did the day of the bridge. He should laugh, and tell her she's stupid, and walk away as fast as he can because the woman standing in front of him is already taken. She's going to get married, she's going to get fucking married anytime soon… and he doesn't care.

Touka belongs to him, she will always belong to him. Even if in the end she decides to leave him, even if tomorrow she regrets having this conversation and continues her life without him… it won't change reality, it won't change the way they both feel. After all these years, and despite being with his brother… she's still asking this question, she still loves him.

How could he ever walk away from her now?

With a sigh, Kaneki decides to answer her question in the only way he can, the only way he knows. He yanks her by the arm until she's close enough to cradle his right hand in the back of her neck and smash their lips together. Touka delivers a quiet noise in surprise, gasping against his lips when his other arm envelops entirely around her waist. This time, Touka doesn't freeze. The fire burning within her is too deep to stay still and pretend she's shocked. This time, Touka responds the kiss just as fervently, clutching his shoulders into her trembling hands and stumbling backward when Kaneki bends, just slightly, and lifts her up in his strong arms until her feet are hanging off the air. His lips press open against her jaw, and Touka's body succumbs into his touch, tiredly wrapping her arms around his neck when he starts walking in a direction she blindly ignores, his smell is all she can perceive.

She sags against him, the bittersweet taste of whiskey and nicotine impregnated in her tongue. Kaneki takes her to his room, cold and submerged into the darkness, and places her back on the floor to take off her coat and throw it away. Her sweater follows, and then her shirt, and that's the moment Touka falls into the realization of what's really going to happen right now.

Their mouths seek each other desperately, his tongue delves inside of her as he walks, hands sinking profoundly into her messy hair until they push her back onto his bed. Her body squirms momentarily, the sheets cold against her skin, and suddenly, she's feeling way too nervous, way too nervous for someone who isn't a virgin.

Fuck.

She almost feels like she is. She didn't recall her first time being something she was scared of, it was something she was looking forward to, but now… her entire body is trembling, and that alone seems to amuse Kaneki. That bastard.

She's naked, or half-naked, while he's still wearing his clothes, only his shirt looks a bit messy by the clutching and grasping of her hands but she's feeling way too restless to do anything else. He climbs the bed on top of her, leans down to kiss her one more time, then, his fingers travel all the way down starting from her face, touching her lips, the valley of her breasts, her stomach… he doesn't look sad anymore, or broken, or fragile. He's been renewed. Her skin prickles where he touches her, when he reaches her stomach she squirms again, belly fluttering furiously and he blurts out a quiet chuckle. She can't quite see his face in the dark, and she doesn't want to. Touka is breathing faster than ever, licking her lips over and over again and looking at the side, at all the darkness around her, face burning brightly. Why is she so nervous?

"Why are you trembling like a pig," he whispers.

Touka shakes her head, trembling even more.

"I-I'm not tr—" her eyes fall shut the moment she feels his mouth on her stomach, not just his lips, but his mouth. Wide open, flickering his hot tongue against her shivering skin, "t-trembling… I'm not."

Kaneki sighs. His nose strokes her stomach, and the path to her chest, where he presses a kiss, and then he's on her mouth again. He kisses her passionately, inhaling deeply into her, absorbing every taste. His hands slide up through her ribcage, prompting sounds and movements from her as if playing an instrument. Kaneki stops for a moment, blurting out a dramatic sigh just to annoy her and rest his palm on the mattress, his other hand squeezing her cheeks together and forcing her to look at him in the darkness.

"What is it?" he asks.

He can feel her swallowing.

"N-Nothing," she babbles under his grip.

"Touka-chan," his lips whisper against hers, softly. Her skin shivers with the sound of his voice. "We promised to never lie to each other, remember?"

From her chest escapes a groan, trying to break free from the way he's holding her cheeks.

"Shut up," she whines, irritated.

This time, he moves away. His hand abandons the grip on her face and he's kneeling on the mattress, right in front of her legs, and Touka's breathing becomes so erratic that he can't help another chuckle. She's nervous, she's nervous because it's him, because from the moment she fell in love with him and confessed her feelings, she thought he would be her first. The first one to touch her like this, but he wasn't. Touka almost feels like a rookie again.

In silence, keeping his eyes on her teary expression, Kaneki slides the palm of his hands on her legs, clothed with her sheer tights. He takes his time, torturing her, watching as her hands grasp the sheets around her and the pillows and everything at the same time. Her belly flutters each time he goes upwards, reaching her thighs, squeezing them softly for a moment, and then roughly. His hands skim up her skirt until he reaches the elastic band of her tights and starts sliding them down her legs, revealing her pale and creamy skin. Touka moves her legs, allowing him the leverage, and they're soon on the floor just as the rest of her clothes.

Touka watches the way he stops for a moment, breathing softly, and unbuttons his black shirt, shoving it away once he's done. His fingers contour the shape of her legs, her muscles tensing under his touch, and as his hands reach her inner thighs his head bends over to her knees, hearing her sigh when his hands roll the fabric of her panties down her legs, kissing the extension of her exposed skin until he's discarding the underwear to the side, useless on the floor.

She holds her breath, squirming in her place when he pries her legs apart.

"K-Kanek — "

Touka moans loudly, against the palm of her hand, when his tongue reaches the center of her cunt and his mouth sucks every part of her skin he can have. All of it. Kaneki feels her hand flying down to feel him; his shoulders, his neck, his head, fisting his hair in between her fingers and not pushing him away. The idea drives him insane, and he can't help himself when the image of his brother comes to his head. _She was mine first_ , it's all he can think. Haise might have her for himself every single day, but this… Kaneki almost feels the need to laugh. This will be a night she'll remember forever, and if she returns to his brother's arms, whenever he makes love to her, Touka will think of him. Only him.

His tongue swipes rebelliously against her engorged clit, and it's not until now that Kaneki realizes how wet she is, dripping all over his face. His fingers spread her lips and his tongue strokes in between, reaching her clit to suck at it repeatedly, hearing her gasp and keen and tighten the grip she has on his hair, bucking her hips in response and whimpering his name over and over again like it could save her.

Kaneki. Ka-ne-ki. _Kaneki._

He had been with so many other women before, and no one ever made him shiver at the way they pronounced his name. He couldn't care less if they said it, it was just a name, but now it carried it a whole different meaning. Touka wasn't just saying his name, she was begging for it, begging for _him._ For his tongue, for the gasps he delivers against her cunt, making them vibrate within her body, reaching parts no one has ever reached before. She begs for the way he moves away, just slightly, to whisper a hoarse _"open your mouth"_ and press two fingers inside, caressing her tongue until they were wet enough to drag them up her slit, pads pressed against her clit for a moment before thrusting them inside and watching the way her eyes close, and her neck stretches back, and her mouth opens widely and it's too much, too much, too much.

He keeps stroking her clit with the palm of his hand, thrusting his fingers in a maddening motion while his other hand sinks behind her back, searching for her bra to unhook it and toss it aside along with the rest of their clothes. This time, with the warmth of his hand in her cunt and the way he's moving inside of her, she holds no shame in helping him get rid of her bra, freeing herself from it. Her hands rapidly travel to his neck to push him down and kiss him, moving her hips at the rhythm of his hand, the slick sounds mixing with the sound of her tongue against him, her broken whimpers when Kaneki bites down her lower lip, and her jaw, and her neck, and presses his fingers harder into her when his mouth reaches for her right nipple.

He grows harder and harder just by the sight, all perked and ready for him. His mouth captures one, feeling it cold against his tongue, but he makes sure to warm it up nice and slow, feeling her nails on his back and the tightness of her cunt sucking his fingers all the way in. His long list of lovers can't even compare. His brows frown deeply as his tongue finds her mole, sucking on it, and the realization that this isn't just another woman on his bed… just another fantasy of his sleepless nights… she's here, she's real. Touka is here, _Touka._ The only person he's ever loved, the only person whom he would kill for, die for, anything she asks would belong to her, anything she wants, anything she needs.

He nuzzles his face in her chest, spreads open-mouthed kisses all along her stomach and down when he feels she's close, when her body betrays her and she trembles like a damn pig, panting and whimpering and begging for him to more. It will never be enough. She comes in his mouth, right where he wants her, all around his fingers, pumping mercilessly even when she's done, even when she's spent. They don't stop, he lifts her leg up higher, curling his fingers inside of her and adding as many as he can just to drive her insane.

Touka seeks for his mouth, she gets it right away. She moans his name against his lips when he pumps even harder, and strokes the palm against her clit, and then withdraws his hand the moment she needs him the most and it's so _fucking_ unfair.

"Kaneki," she pleads.

He breathes on her lips, squeezing her hips.

"You wanna come again?"

She looks like she's about to cry. Her face is red, her lips are swollen, her skin shining with sweat. Her hands held his face, pushing him towards her lips more firmly.

"Kaneki, I'm serious," she sobs, desperate. Her legs try to lock around his hips, bucking hers against the hardness behind his pants. Eight years have been way too long, too cruel.

He thrusts back his hips, making her feel how hard and full of need he is.

"Tell me what you want."

"You," her answer is quick, there's no hesitation in her words.

Ah, he wishes Haise could see this.

"Me?"

Touka sobs again, nodding desperately, hands groping his shoulders, sliding her fingers through his back, pulling him down even if there's no more place left to fill. Her mouth breathes on his neck, pressing against his ear.

"Y-You."

He rolls his hips against her and the moan she delivers makes him do it again, lifting up her leg a little so she can feel him better, even behind the fabric of his pants.

 _"Me_ , _"_ he repeats.

Touka gasps, nodding again.

"Yes, you."

His clothes are gone in a second.

Touka watches quietly the way he undresses, helps him undo the belt of his slacks with her eyes glued on his naked chest. He comes back to her after he's done, as she always hoped he would, and kisses her desperately with the tip of his throbbing cock nudging against her slit. He smiles at the feeling, right against her mouth, and she moans the moment he enters inside her without a previous warning. Her lips part in surprise, brows furrowing deeply, and he breathes against her, watching her expression the whole time.

It's mesmerizing.

He bottoms out, painstakingly slow, and thrusts back into her again, and again, and again. Her arms are helplessly thrown around her head, he keeps them both still with his hand, the other lifting up her hips so he can move the way he wants to, the way she needs it, deep and so fast that he feels he should regret it. If everything ends too quickly, who knows what can happen next, but he's too lost to care. He needs her, his girl, he's been needing her for so long that he almost can't believe he has her in front of him right now, skin against skin, mouth against mouth, her taste is as poisoning as he remembers.

He feels like he should say something, anything at all, but the words never come out. He tries to show her, in the best way he can, how much he loves her. His best friend, his favorite person in the world, the girl he loves.

Touka groans his name in his neck, lazy eyes trying to stay open and just when she's about to come, he pulls out of her. "Turn around," he pants, and his hands hold her hips to help her, and then he's inside again, and the feeling is totally new. Now, she groans against the pillows, he holds her wrists on top of her head and slides his hand all over the skin of her arms, feeling her tightness around him, the burning of her skin against him.

"More," she whimpers when his fingers tangle in her hair, pulling from it.

He breathes, hardly, leaning down until his lips are pressed against her ear, the feeling sending shivers down her spine, down to every corner of her body. His back feels slick and hot against her, the air is cold but she's never felt warmer. "You want more?"

Touka nods, delirious.

He slides his tongue on her shoulder.

"Beg me."

She wants to laugh. Is he serious?

Touka feels his lips smiling against her back. His hand pulls at her hair a little harder, his hips start thrusting faster and he releases her wrists to grab her jaw, turning her mouth to the side to kiss her, to slide his tongue inside of her and feel her whimpering his name, feel her begging for his cock to go deeper, to fuck her faster, and he does. Anything she asks, he will do. She doesn't even need to beg, not really. She shakes beneath him, sobbing when his fingers reach down to rub her clit and he can't help but thank god, the devil, whoever was watching them high above, that she called him that night. A day that promised a lonely night that ended up turning into so much more. So much more.

She comes the moment he groans her name against her jaw. He follows after a few deep thrusts, husky voice going higher and higher in pitch and he's coming inside of her, and even after he's done, he keeps thrusting lazily, he keeps touching her between her legs, trying to prolong their orgasm as much as they can because, you see, orgasms are like death. Something borns when it begins, and something dies when it's over. He doesn't want this feeling to die.

Never.

His chest presses hot against her back, forehead panting against her shoulder, trying to retrieve the breath that was lost. Slowly, he pulls out of her, body slumping on the bed next to her, watching the way she keeps her eyes closed and half of her face buried in the mattress. The room is still dark, but they can see each other perfectly. She could see him even with her eyes closed.

After a while, her eyelids flutter slightly, she opens her eyes, and he's looking at her. Touka swallows, sighing, and extends her hand to push all his hair back, damp with sweat, revealing his forehead. He looks serene. His eyes are gentle, just as his touch was. She never thought he could be like this, not after all the years that had passed. Not after all the cold stares, the ugly words, the painful aura irradiating from him.

Touka moves closer to him, starting to cold down, and he lazily grabs the sheets to cover half of her back. They stare at each other for a moment, and she can't help her fingers when they rub idle circles on his chin, where she's hit him, and all the other parts of his gorgeous face. He's so gorgeous, so handsome. It makes her heart flutter to have him this close.

"I always thought…" she whispers, eyeing his lips, "that I would never see you again. When you left, I thought that was it. You changed your phone, so I couldn't call you. I just wanted to hear your voice again, just… make sure that you were okay, even if you didn't wanna talk to me. But the idea of never having you around me, I couldn't…"

She pauses for a moment, feeling her eyes growing teary every time she speaks. When you fuck, you don't have time to cry. It's the aftermath what shatters you down to the core. Touka swallows, and Kaneki clenches his jaw. It hurts him too.

"All I'm trying to say is… I can't believe I'm touching you right now," her fingers trace the line of his jaw. "I used to dream with you all the time, even now… I still dream with you sometimes. I'm just hoping… this isn't a dream too."

Touka doesn't realize she's crying until Kaneki reaches out his hand and cleans the wetness from her cheeks. She blinks, quite surprised, and sniffs, feeling stupid.

"I dream with you too," he whispers, pushing her hair away of her face, revealing both her eyes. "But I always see you as a child, I don't know why."

There's a silence lingering in the air when Touka presses Kaneki's hand on her cheek, and she closes her eyes, and reminds herself that it's him. His touch, his smell, his warmth. She doesn't want to let it go, she doesn't want it to disappear. They made love for the first time, and yet she feels terribly broken.

"Kaneki," she says. He feels like resurrecting each time she says it. "I… I don't want to leave."

His eyes dwell on the curve of her lips. He touches them, with the pad of his thumb. They're soft, and red, and swollen from his kisses.

"I don't wanna talk, or think about what's waiting outside," she continues, and he knows what she means with _outside._ Their lives, their responsibilities, the people they've betrayed. He almost wants to laugh. He should have escaped with her years ago when they had the chance. He should have fucking left Tokyo, and take her with him just as she wanted him to, and leave everyone behind. They don't need them, any of them. They just needed one another. "I just… want to stay here, with you, for as long as I can."

She's a criminal in everybody's eyes, a cheater, but he doesn't care.

He doesn't care in the slightest, and she knows he won't judge her for that.

"I would be pretty damn upset if you leave now," is his reply, sighing deeply. "So you can't leave. You can't leave unless I want you to."

Her eyes remain closed, but her lips twitch in a grin. She doesn't see him, but he smirks too.

"You're so childish."

They spend the rest few hours in silence, unable to sleep. Kaneki lies on his back, smoking a cigarette, and Touka only observes him, cuddling and making a mess of his sheets, she stares at the smoke that abandons his lips, floating in the air like a phantom. His expression is cold and serious, he's thinking about something, and she wonders if he thinks she's asleep. Quietly, Touka glances at the ring on her right hand, shining around her finger. It feels so heavy now, that she fears her arm will break just by trying to lift it up.

So heavy.

Touka leans closer, taking him by surprise, until she's lying her chest against his torso, softly pressing her cheek on his stomach. Kaneki looks down at her, head resting on the headboard. His fingers brush strands of her hair, clearing out her face. He feels warm underneath her, and the way his stomach rises when he breathes is so soothing, so calming.

She blinks, sleepy.

"Kaneki," her face looks up, resting her chin on his abdomen. "What time is it?"

He keeps the cigarette in between his lips, and his eyes look around searching for his phone, or a watch, but Touka stops him the moment he tries to move just slightly. Her hand presses against his chest, and her eyes fall shut instantly.

"Don't," she mutters, sighing. Her lips press softly on his skin, taking a moment, and then she rests her cheek on his chest. "It's better not to know."

 **—o—**

The days pass slowly, and Touka stays in Kaneki's apartment.

She kept her phone off the whole time, and only sent Haise a message to tell him—with great regret—that she had fallen asleep the night of Christmas, when he had called her three times and she didn't answer. There were only three days left before his return, so she kept her phone inside her purse along with her ring, simply because staying there felt a lot easier if she didn't have to see them. It was irresponsible, and stupid, and childish, but she was not ready to leave the apartment. Not yet. Not yet.

But that day arrived, and Kaneki didn't look happy at all.

It was still snowing. She got dressed as slowly as she could, prolonging the moment, and with a bitter expression Kaneki took one of his black scarfs and wrapped it around her neck once he saw she was ready to leave. There was an uncomfortable silence lingering in the air, since they'd refused to talk about Haise, or their families, or anything else that raised gap between them; so now that she had to return to the real world… they didn't know what was going to happen, and Haise would be home tomorrow morning.

Touka felt completely scared.

With what face… how was she going to face him?

What was she going to do? How is she going to look at him in the eyes?

Fuck. _Fuck._

Kaneki escorted Touka to the street, the door of the building still wide open, he wasn't going to take her home. They remained still on the stairs of the entrance, keeping a generous distance. He kept his hands in his pockets, an annoyed expression he was unable to wipe away. Touka bit her lower lip, hesitating, but she took one step towards him, and another, until both arms found themselves wrapped firmly around his neck and her face found refuge in the crook of his neck. She was standing two steps up, almost reaching his height. Touka closed her eyes, inhaling his scent, she didn't care if he was mad, if he was upset that she was leaving, if their moment together had finally come to an end. She hugged him deeply and after a few more seconds of indecision, she felt his arms wrap around her waist, keeping her as close as possible.

She took a small breath, right against his neck.

"Promise that you will call me," she whispered, trembling in his arms. "If you don't call me, I'll come here by myself."

Kaneki swallowed. He didn't add anything else, but offered a weak nod. Touka sighed, lingering in the embrace just a little more before pulling away slightly, and pressing her lips on his ear. They shared one last look, and Touka turned around to abandon his building. She made sure to not look back once she started heading towards the next street, but she failed terribly. Touka looked past her shoulder, sad eyes encountering a man who looked like a phantom under the snow, cold and hollow. The view broke her, but she forced her legs to keep on walking.

During her entire trip way home, her fingertips stayed pressed on her lips.

 **—o—**

She had arrived home many hours ago, keeping herself busy by cleaning the flat since everything looked exactly the same as the day Haise left. It was 7:30 PM when her phone started ringing, over and over again, and she saw Haise's name on the screen, his smiley picture wearing a banana hat sending shivers and shivers of guilt through every corner of her body. With a deep breath, she took the phone, trying to make her voice sound as steady as possible.

"H-Hey," she greeted, brushing her hair over and over again with her fingers.

But Haise didn't answer immediately. She could hear his breathing, and that alone made her feel terribly uncomfortable. He… wouldn't stay silent after picking up a call, he was always loud, and excited, talkative, and…

"Haise?" she asked, frowning. Her heart was already beating like crazy. "Are you there?"

She heard a noise.

 _"Yes."_

There was no color in his voice. No spark. It was completely flat.

"H-Haise," she breathed, shoulders tensing, "is… is everything alright?"

At the other side of the line, he blurted out a deep, heavy sigh.

 _"Touka…"_ he breathed, voice trembling in a way she'd never heard before. _"I… I got a call from my aunt."_

Touka frowns, blinking in confusion.

"Your… aunt?"

Another sigh. All the pauses he was making, all the silences and sharp breaths… it was like he was trying to gain courage, to fill his lungs with the necessary air to speak. There was a noise in the background, the sound of a car. She heard his lips parting.

 _"My Mom…"_ Touka's body stiffened, even when he hadn't even finished his sentence.

Finally, he dropped it.

 _"My Mom… she killed herself."_


	9. The Night We Met

**«Yes, No, Maybe»**

 **Chapter 9: The Night We Met**

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 **A/N:** hey! i'm back. I'm really sorry for the delay, so many things happened and there's no point in talking about them now, haha. ANYWAY, i'm really excited & i wanna remind you all that the next chapter (chapter 10) is the LAST chapter of this fanfic. I'm very emotional and super excited for all of you to react to it. Thank you for always being there supporting the fic, it means the world to me. Don't forget to review this chapter and send me your thoughts, i'm more than happy to answer all your questions now that we are entering in the final arc of the story. Thanks for reading guys!

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 _I had all and then most of you, some and now none of you,_  
 _ **—Lord Huron, The Night We Met**_

 **—o—**

Death came to Rieko like a shot from behind. One moment she was gazing at the snow through the window, holding Touka's hands and making her promise that she would watch over her son, the next she was gone.

Gone. Forever.

If you were to ask Touka about her first memory of Rieko, the first time she'd seen her with her own eyes… she wouldn't be able to give you an honest answer. She had always been around, she had always been a part of her life, just like her son. Like a foggy illusion from an old dream, like an old song you always knew but never sang. Touka never believed in destiny, but the thought that lives were predestinated seemed less and less irrational as time went by. Because for the way her life had passed, for the moment she was living right now… maybe she was born just to meet her. She was born to fall in love with her son, to love him to the very core, to share his same existence, walk the same path, and eventually part ways.

Because Touka knew, deep inside, that this wouldn't last.

One way or another, it was designed to end, just as life itself.

But she refused to the idea. Just as she refused to accept the news the moment she heard Haise's voice through the phone. The words _bathroom_ and _door locked_ , the sentence _Shironeki was the one who found her_ and _he's still in shock, I don't know what to do_ penetrated deep into her soul, making her hold her breath until she couldn't move anymore. Haise assured her that he was alright, that she shouldn't worry, that he had everything under control and that alone made her feel terribly guilty because the only thing lingering in her mind was Kaneki's name. Kaneki. _Kaneki._ The news would destroy him in ways she couldn't clearly perceive.

Rieko had always been kind to her. Never asked too many questions, or showed confusion at the news of her engagement with Haise like her own mother did. She always nodded, and smiled weakly, and sobbed in the shadows. Gave her all to raise her children in a world where single mothers were heavily judged, and kept on promising things she felt unable to keep, breaking soft illusions in the process. Breaking sparks of hope.

And now she was gone.

Touka wipes her tears inside the black car, with her black clothes, and her black heart beating fast. She's holding Ken in her arms, sitting next to Haise as Shironeki and Kuroneki remain in the back, with their aunt. Another car follows them from behind, carrying their mother's ashes, and everything is quiet even outside. It's like the whole world is taking a break to say goodbye. She had called her mother soon after receiving the news, crying and asking for forgiveness after having been ignoring her for weeks. Many hours had passed since that, all the calls were made to the right people, most of them Haise's friends from the CCG since he didn't have any other family members apart from his brothers and aunt. All of them waiting now at the funeral home, waiting for those ashes to fly far away.

There's a haunting silence lingering in the car, and Haise hadn't shed a word with her since the phone-call. She stares at him, sideways, evaluating his expression. He's holding his phone in his hands, distant eyes getting lost in his own reflection through the screen. Touka parts her lips for a moment, wanting to ask _one more time_ if he had called Kaneki, which she knows he has, and almost beg him to call him again, and again, and again, because he was not answering. He said his phone was off, and that he desperately left messages into his box hoping that he would return the call as soon as possible, but he hadn't, and many hours had passed from that. Touka also tried to contact him, but it was useless. He was not picking up his phone.

When the car stops and the driver abandons the vehicle to open up the doors for them, Touka can spot the black crowd from inside the funeral home, waiting for them. Haise leaves first, followed by his brothers, and Touka walks out of the car with Ken's hand firmly wrapped around hers, confused and lost, knowing what this journey meant but not understanding the gravity of it, he's still in shock.

The room welcomes them with pale faces and people who rapidly turn to Haise to offer him a palm on the shoulder, a warm hug, a tender touch. Almost everyone is there. Arima, his squad, even the director of the CCG, Marude. But Touka isn't really looking at any of them when her mother appears in the crowd standing next to her father, Touka approaches almost with desperation, hiding her face in the curve of Hikari's neck and wrapping her arms around her waist.

"I'm sorry, Mom," she whispers.

Touka can feel Arata's hands brushing her hair in the process. Hikari doesn't say anything, because in a moment like this there isn't much you can say. Sometimes, silence can be the most accurate answer. The staff from the funeral carry Rieko's ashes to the altar, inside a white urn, and everyone there gathered take a moment to offer their respects, placing flowers on the altar and lighting up some candles. From the distance, Touka looks at Haise. He's serious, nodding when people whisper words of encouragement to him, keeping his little brother Ken real close to him, eyeing the urn from afar but not daring to approach, not daring to take one step and leave a flower himself. In fact, he didn't even bring one, and Touka realized she didn't either, but there are plenty of flowers around to pick and Haise hasn't picked any. Not even one.

With a heavy sigh, watching as her parents lean to the altar, Touka takes advantage of the moment to grab her phone and call Kaneki one more time. Her eyes drift to the old clock hanging on the wall, and her impatience grows when, this time, the call doesn't redirect to his voicemail. The phone is calling him, which means he no longer has it turned off, but she doesn't get any answer from him. He never picks up, and that alone makes Touka even more anxious. She curses, putting the phone away in desperation.

Her eyes drift away to Haise once again, sitting on the floor with his back pressed against the wall and absently staring at Ken walking to the altar alongside Kuroneki, placing a flower in front of their mother's picture and offering a small reverence. Touka blinks, numb, spotting a coffee machine outside the entrance, in the hallway. She approaches slowly, numb, grabbing two cups and waiting for the machine to fill them up, her eyes gaze at the sky through the windows, it's already dark. Her eyes feel swollen and itchy, her hands are cold and she wraps her fingers around the plastic mugs to warm herself up, but it doesn't really help. She holds the cups and enters the room again, heading towards Haise. His eyes meet in her in the middle of the way, and there's no expression in his face. No tears, no swollen eyes, nothing. He's just pale and empty, and motionless. Touka sits by his side, handing him the cup, and he takes it with tender hands. His fingers are warm unlike her own.

"Thanks," he whispers, looking down at the cup.

After a while, he takes a sip, and her eyes study him. This is the first word he speaks to her since they got into the car way to the funeral home. They haven't talked, they haven't… shared any thoughts, any worries, any tears. His mother just died, and they barely had a moment to hug, or hold hands, or even kiss his pain away. The sudden realization makes her want to cry, and a rush of adrenaline forces Touka to lift up her hand and brush his hair away, clear out his face, make him look at her in the eyes.

"Haise…"

"This is all my fault."

No. God, no.

Touka shakes her head, repressing a sob. He doesn't deserve this.

"Haise, that's not — "

"I shouldn't have left," his voice lacks emotion, the back of his head softly hits the wall and stays there, eyes fixed on the ceiling. "Shironeki saw everything… he shouldn't have. I have to protect them, that is my only job, they don't ask anything else from me and I wasn't there. And… you know what the worst part is? That I'm not even sad, Touka, I'm not even sad."

She stares at him, carefully holding her breath. She… should have known… that he would feel this way, but —

"H-Haise — "

"My mother…" he swallows, voice cracking, but he manages to keep it all inside. Touka puts her cup away, touching his arm. "She ruined my life. I loved her, but she ruined me. I hate being here, I just wanna take my brothers away and go home. I want this to be over already."

Touka remains silent, unsure of what to say. The atmosphere grows tense, the voice of Haise's aunt crying out her sister's name on the altar and being comforted by Kuroneki brings shivers down her spine, and makes her want to leave as well. She wants this to be over, too. Her hand reaches out to him, giving it a slight squeeze, and it feels as if it's the only thing she can do.

She licks her lips, releasing a sigh.

"Do you wanna go out for a wa — "

"Kaneki, w-wait!"

The mention of his name pumps in her being, making her forget everything she was about to say. It was like her mind was suddenly washed, her body instantly re-established. She can no longer breathe, she holds the air in her chest real rightly, it's choking her. Touka looks up, for the voice screaming Kaneki's name came from the hallway outside the room, and her body makes an instant move to stand up and finds out that Haise is doing the same. If she looks worried, then she doesn't know what word use for the expression lingering in Haise's face right now. He looks almost scared.

The door of the room slams open widely and a hurried Kaneki makes an appearance that steals everyone's gaze, everyone's words and laments. He almost stumbles when he stops, breathing heavily and looking quite messy, as if he just came off running out of something. The room grows quiet as Kaneki gives one step, pushing Urie and Shirazu out of his way, and the sound of Hide's footsteps follow in the hallway until he reaches the door, exhausted.

"Kane — " Hide stops, giving up the chasing, and his eyes meet Touka in the crowd.

Kaneki doesn't even look at her or at the people surrounding him. His eyes are painfully fixed on the altar, where the ashes of his mother remain on top alongside her picture. Kaneki gasps, a painful gasp, his soul breaking free from his body in a gentle whisper and his aunt moves away when Kaneki gives one heavy step, and another, almost walking like a zombie, and reaches to the altar to fall on his knees, trembling hands reaching out to the urn to finally release his sorrow in a broken sob. He kneels in front of his mother, crouching his head in full surrender and filling the quiet room with his voice.

Touka covers her mouth with the palm of her hand, desperately wanting to reach out to him but she forces herself to stay in her place. The pain of having to hide her feelings makes her so mad, so angry. It's not fair… it's not fair. She never saw him like this, she never saw him broke this way… she never —

"M-Mother…" Kaneki cries, voice cracking with each syllable.

Haise gasps and Touka looks up, and she finds a tear caressing his cheek. The first tear he's released since she saw him, the first sign of brokenness since that first call. He's the first and only person to walk towards Kaneki, the responsibility of being the older brother burning within each corner of his body. He doesn't hesitate to approach, he doesn't hesitate to rest the palm of his hand on his shoulder, to say his name loud and clear.

"Kanek — "

"Let go of me!" Kaneki yells, turning around and rapidly taking Haise by surprise when he raises his fist in the air and slams it right on his brother's cheek. The murmur of the crowd grows with gasps and whispers, and Haise's body crashes onto the ground. His mouth is bleeding, and he looks up at Kaneki completely astonished.

"Haise!" Touka yells, horrified, and runs until she's kneeling by his side, holding his shoulders. She stares at Kaneki, shocked. "Idiot, what are you doing!"

But Kaneki doesn't even pay attention to her presence. All of his attention is now focused on his brother. He points his finger at him, not caring about the opinion of the people around them.

" _You…_ this is all _your_ fault!" Kaneki stumbles with his own feet. Was he… drunk? "I told you she needed help but you didn't give a shit! S-She needed a doctor and… and… you just kept her in that fucking house, gave her all the pills she wanted just to make her happy… just to show off how… _great_ of a big brother you are."

Kuroneki approaches, trying to grab Kaneki's arm and help him calm down, but he pushes him.

"That's not true!" Shironeki intervened from behind Kuroneki, raising his voice, starting to break too. Meanwhile, Haise was speechless. Speechless. "Haise did everything for us! He — "

Kaneki groans, extremely irritated.

"Shut up!" he screams. "I was the one hiding her bottles, throwing away her pills! I was the one who always… I was… but she never… she…"

He stops, breathing raggedly. Haise still remains in shock, lying on the ground and staring at his brother in a way Touka never saw before. Deep inside, she hoped Haise wouldn't believe anything that Kaneki was saying, because, despite the great pain in his heart, it wasn't true. It just wasn't. Sometimes, things were out of control, and Rieko was one of those things. It didn't… matter, how much Kaneki could have tried to do in the past, it wouldn't have changed the fact that Rieko was broken inside, and that her ending was already written in the stars.

She hears Hide's steps approaching from behind, reaching out to Kaneki and placing a hand over his shoulder.

"Kaneki, come on — "

Kaneki shoves his arm away.

"Get off of me," he steps back, taking a brief moment before starting to walk away from the room.

For a moment, only for a second, Touka and Kaneki's eyes meet, but he rapidly looks away as his erratic steps lead him through the hallway, the voice of Kuroneki calling out his name again in hopes that he would return, but he didn't. Touka stands up, rapidly looking at Hide.

"Hide, stay with Haise."

Haise looks up, understanding her intentions when Hide lends him a hand to help him stand.

"Touka, don't — "

But she's already running after Kaneki.

She abandons the room, running through the hallways and way to the streets, leaving the building behind. The cold of the night splashes against her skin like water, making her eyes burn and blink repeatedly. She looks around, finding Kaneki's silhouette clumsily walking in the opposite direction towards a black car, his own, she believes. Touka hurries her steps, trying to keep up with his pace, and just when she's close enough behind him, her hand stretches out in his direction, trying to get a grip of his arm.

"Kaneki! Wait!"

Without caring about the force he employs, Kaneki snatches his arm away, making her stumble.

"Leave me alone," he groans, rapidly turning around to resume his journey.

Touka stays there for a second, blinking in confusion. Something hurts deep in her chest, but she forces her emotions to remain calm. He's just lost his mother… his mother, he's angry, and sad, and broken. _This is not about you,_ she repeats. _He's not angry with you._ She follows him, stupidly trying to grab his hand and make him turn around, but the touch of her fingers in his cold hand makes him shiver, shiver with rage, and when he finally _turns_ around this time, Touka wishes he wouldn't have.

"Why!" Kaneki screams at her. Touka's body twitches slightly, not expecting that kind of reaction from him even when he told her to leave him alone in a hoarse, annoyed, but quiet voice. "Why _him!_ "

Touka blinks, breathing out the mist of the coldest night Tokyo has faced this season. Her features frown, lost in words that don't make any sense. Him? Touka breathes, not following and trying to approach.

"K-Kane — "

Kaneki gasps, his eyes swollen and red, and the smell of alcohol is more than evident now that his face is close to hers. He had been drinking.

"Of all the people you could have _fucked_ in this damn city, why did have to be him?!"

There was desperation in his eyes. It didn't seem like he was searching for an answer, especially when his confession made Touka froze like a statue. That was… the last thing she was expecting to hear in a moment like this, his mother just died and he was talking about a completely different thing. The realization that maybe both pains were merging into one, that the sorrow of losing his mother reminded him of the sorrow of losing _her_ , that maybe this event was the epitome of all his pain, of all the things he kept inside for years. Because she wasn't his. Touka wasn't his, and would never be. It didn't matter how many times he could bring her to his bed, how many times his lips could seal a promise on her body… Touka would never be fully his. Some people were meant to fall in love with each other, but not meant to be together. Did Rieko's dead remind him of that? Of the constant pain of having to live this life while losing things? Touka swallowed, eyes burning when he delivered one last stare before turning around, ready to leave.

But Touka was so tired of seeing him walk away.

She follows him, trembling hands reaching out for his arm and a broken voice whispering his name.

"Kaneki — "

But he repeats the same thing over again. His arm flies away from her as if her touch is burning him because it does. Her eyes, her voice, the way she looks at him, her touch… is nothing but a curse to him.

Rage grows in his eyes, and that alone breaks her heart into pieces.

"Don't touch me," he speaks clearly, meticulously pronouncing each word so that they remain fresh in her head, unable to erase them. "Don't look at me, don't talk to me… don't make me hate you more than I already do."

Hate… her?

One last glance, one last sharp swallow of his mouth… he turns around, resuming his path, and Touka remains stiff in her place, just like many years ago. The bridge, all over again. Touka wipes a tear from her cheeks, and a fire inside of her forces her body to keep on walking, keep on following him, because that's what she should have done in the past. In the bridge… he was lying. He lied, and she should have known better. She should have followed him, and smack the hell out of him until he would admit the truth, and then now everything could be different. Everything.

Touka runs, this time holding his arm way more firmly so that it wouldn't be that easy for him to let go.

"H-Hey…" Touka pulls on his arm, prompting out a heavy sigh out of him. "Don't… don't do this to me again, come on…"

This time, he seems to give up. Kaneki sighs again, closing his eyes when she makes him turn around completely and her hands find a place on his cheeks. They're hot, and moist, and she realizes she's crying too.

"Do _what_."

Touka represses a sob, trying to make him look at her.

"You know what I'm talking about," she says, breathing turning irregular. She stares at his face, caressing his cheek. Her lips press together in a thin line. "Leaving me here all alone, thinking that you hate me… because I know you don't. We don't hate each other, we could never do that. I know you're hurt, Kaneki, and I'm here. I want to be with you. You don't need to do this, okay? C-Come on, don't be like this…"

Kaneki's shoulders drop, he's slowly losing his patience, she can see that but doesn't care.

"Stop trying to lecture me all the damn time, you — "

She sniffs when he looks away, and her hands try to capture his face in her hands again. He's slipping out of her hands like water.

"K-Kaneki — "

"You are _not_ my girlfriend, we are _nothing_ ," this time, he looks at her. His voice cracks with his last sentence as if the realization of those words completely shatter everything inside of him. Touka sheds tears, and Kaneki realizes that. His face softens for a second, because seeing her cry is something he despises deeply, and yet he's always the first one to prompt tears out of her eyes. He swallows, regaining his composure. "Stop thinking that you have some kind of right over me, why do you keep on — "

Touka forces her ears to not listen. _Don't listen, don't listen, don't listen,_ she holds his face one more time, closer.

"Because I love you, asshole," she speaks, staring at his lips, desperate for him to understand and full of frustration. He stops talking. "I love you."

I love you.

She loves him.

She loves _him_.

Him.

Touka nods, her lips tremble, brushing his cheek with the pad of her fingers. She loves him, she loves him, she loves him. It's the first time she has the chance to say it. She didn't, the last time, simply because she was scared of his reaction, but now… she can't control her tongue anymore.

"I love you," she repeats, quietly this time. Almost a whisper, almost a thought.

Kaneki swallows, his face spasms with a brief pain. This is the last thing he needed to hear right now, the last thing. It gets harder now, so much harder when he blinks, and a tear escapes his eye, and parts his lips to speak. His throat vibrates with words he doesn't really wanna say, but it's done, anyway. He's an expert at breaking things apart, at ruining everything around him like the damn fool he is.

"Well," he says, raising a brow in a wicked, broken grin when he takes her hands away from his face. "That's too bad."

That's when Touka is empty of words and doesn't have the energy to follow him back when he turns around and gets into his car, the shadow of his being disappearing in the night, the lights of the city swallowing him in. Touka remains quiet, standing in her place, staring at the empty spot he's left, just like eight years ago. He's gone, and she's left behind… again.

Again. Again. Again. Again. Again.

The warmth his face gave to her hands is gone, cold is all there is, all there's left. Her eyes press shut firmly, so firmly that she almost feels dead. The tears keep on falling, and her body falls too until she's sitting on the sidewalk and hiding her ugly crying in the palm of her hand, unable to stop. All that she couldn't cry inside the funeral home was being released right here, in the spot where he left her… again, again, again, aga—

"Touka."

The voice of Hide makes her stop, and look up in confusion. He's standing right beside her, looking impossibly sad, and he doesn't ask questions. He never did. Hide sits by her side, and wraps his arm around her until Touka doesn't have any other choice but to bury her face in the chest of her dear old friend and cry her heart out.

"It's okay, Touka," he says, over and over again, his words being carried by the winds of winter. "It's okay."

It's okay, Touka.

 _It's okay._

—o—

Touka doesn't know how many hours pass, nor she bothers to grab her phone and find out. Rieko's altar is filled with flowers and candles, and each person present in the room abandons the building with a sad expression and a warm hug for Haise. Touka stares, from the distance and carrying a sleepy Ken in her arms, the way his squad is the last group of people abandoning the funeral home. Everyone had left already, including her parents, but Haise's squad stood with him till the end, and that was something Touka thanked deeply. They all wrapped him in a firm embrace, all at once, and remained in that position for several seconds before giving their last goodbye. Now, it was time to go home.

Home.

Touka didn't even know where that was by now.

They decide that the kids will stay with them for a while since none of them want to return to their mother's house and Haise felt like he couldn't blame them. He carries the urn back to the car, keeping it safe inside a white box and hiding it in the trunk. Haise comes back to her with a serious expression and a small bruise in his lower lip, there where his brother had punched him. He grabs Ken out of her arms to take him to the car, and she slowly follows him, Shironeki walking alongside her.

"I'm so tired," he says in a whisper, closing his eyes when Touka wraps her arm around his shoulders. She had a special affection for him, he reminded her a lot of younger Ayato. "I wanna go to bed."

Touka nods.

"It's okay, we're going home now."

They enter the car in deep silence, the kids in the back, Touka taking the passengers seat. The night looks lonely as Haise starts to drive, not a single soul passing by, not even a miserable shadow. The lights rain upon them, and Touka can't help but look at Haise. He's silent, and the city lights don't reflect in his eyes. He had barely said a word during the funeral, and he wasn't saying anything now. It's not like she's expecting him to, but this is all extremely new to her. His silence. He's never silent, not even in the worst moments, and Touka doesn't know what to say to make him speak, to make him look at her. She sighs, looking around.

"Uh…" she starts, but he's not looking at her. "Can we stop at my shop for a moment before going home? I forgot my purse there."

Haise blinks, rapidly gazing at her.

"W-What?"

Touka takes a moment, uneasy. He's clearly not paying attention.

"My shop," she repeats, softly this time. "Can we stop there before coming home? I left my purse."

"Oh," Haise nods. "Yeah, sure."

He continues to drive, taking a different route way to her shop. The silence continues, and Touka gives up. She rests her head on the window, closing her eyes for a moment and trying to think of something else, something that doesn't have anything to do with all the things Kaneki said hours ago. Where is he? Is he okay? Is he with Hide? He was drunk when he left, took his car… what if something happened? She sighs, grimacing, and the lights of the city vanish once they get into the neighborhoods, once Haise stops the car across the street in front of her shop, and Touka opens her eyes and finds Haise's stare filled with sorrow as he keeps his eyes fixed on the entrance.

There's something at the door of her shop. Something black, sitting on the ground, resting against the door.

Kaneki.

Touka gasps, eyeing through the glass. He's there, Kaneki is there, alone, in front of a closed shop and didn't seem to notice the car parked across the street. Touka swallows, unsure of what to do. If he's here… if he's here that's because he wants… because he needed —

"That's…"

"I know," Haise says, conflicted.

Touka makes a pause, and she knows, above all things, that she can't leave with Haise now. She can't. She can't tell him to keep on driving, she can't walk away from the image lying in front of her eyes, she can't walk away from Kaneki. She can't, and she hates herself for that, but she can't.

She just can't.

Her hands start to tremble.

"Haise," she whispers, licking her lips, unsure of how to start. "I… I have to — "

"Go."

Her eyes drift away from Kaneki and they land on Haise, who's still staring at his brother. His eyes are red, his lips are parted, he looks broken and hopeless.

"H-Haise…"

"Go," he repeats, firmly holding onto the steering wheel. "He… he needs someone who isn't me, or my brothers. He needs a friend, a true friend."

Touka gazes down, feeling a sense of quilt overflow within her. She needs to figure this out, she needs to make a decision, she knows she does. But this is not the moment, or the place or the right circumstances to do so. Haise looks down at her hands, they're trembling. Her shoulders are shivering too. Touka sighs, unable to add anything else because there's nothing else she can say.

"I'll… be home soon," she murmurs, ready to open the door, but Haise stops her midway.

"Can you…" he swallows, takes a moment to think. He looks at his brother. "Can you tell him that I love him, please? Just… just tell him that."

Touka's eyes fall shut, taking a deep breath. God, she hates this. She hates this so much. Her hand rapidly flies to his, squeezing it tightly.

"I will," she whispers, not looking at him, and decides to open up the door without looking back.

Even when the door slams shut, Kaneki doesn't seem to realize what's happening. Haise doesn't wait for her to get to the shop, he starts driving immediately and the car gets lost in the distance. Just as her, not looking back. Touka takes a moment of bravery, if she really has any, and looks up at the sky. It's dark, and hollow, and moonless. Her shoes crunch under her steps, one, two, three, and she's freezing, and can't help but wonder if Kaneki is too. There, right in front of her shop, sitting on the floor for God knows how long.

Her footsteps become clearer and louder when she crosses the street, and this time, Kaneki hears it. Or maybe he just knew, before even looking up at her, that it was Touka the one approaching from afar. Before seeing her pale hair make way through the darkness, or maybe it was her smell. Yeah, he thinks, it must be that. For a moment he thinks he's hallucinating, a prisoner of alcohol and love, for he came here with the desire to see her, with the vague hope that she would appear out of nowhere and come to his presence. And… she was here. It couldn't be real.

Touka stops in front of him, muttering his name in an uncomfortable question. _Kaneki?_ she says, and it's so sweet, so tender the way she pronouns his name, he doesn't think anyone else can do it the way she does. Touka holds her breath when he looks up, almost confused, and keeps staring at her until realizing it's actually her.

"T-Touka-chan…" he mumbles.

Touka holds her breath. He looks so shattered, so damaged, so fucking broken. There's a bruise under his eye, and dried blood on his mouth. What the hell he had been doing? His hair is a mess, and he's not even wearing his black coat, he's only in his plain black shirt, shivering under the cold. His eyes are swollen with tears, all the area around them looks red and irritated. He's a mess… he's such a mess…

And she can't leave him. No matter what he says, no matter what he does… it's not healthy, it's not right, nothing about this is okay, yet she's unable to leave him. Not now, not ever. Touka holds her tears when she leans closer and kneels in front of him, and like two bodies made out of magnet, they fuse together, merge into one. Touka wraps her arms around his neck, Kaneki surrenders before her touch, letting his head fall down against her chest and deeply wrapping his arms around her waist. It's when his forehead meets her skin that he starts to cry.

He cries. Like the child he truly is, he cries on her chest, loudly and shamelessly, in a way he would have never allowed anyone to see, but Touka isn't anyone. Her eyes fall shut, bringing him closer to her body, softly kissing the crown of his head. He never stops crying. "M-Mom…" he agonizes, sinking his fingers deep in her back. "M-Mother…"

Touka sighs, hurting as much as he is, and her fingers brush his hair.

"M-Mom…" he repeats, over and over. "I should have left with her… I could have stopped her…"

"Your mother was sick," she whispers. "There was nothing you could do. It's not your fault, it's not anyone's fault."

His voice breaks in another empty sob, and he continues for several hours until his voice is gone, until his soul abandons his body leaving only a vulnerable man in her arms. He stops crying, keeps his eyes closed and cheek pressed on her chest, and doesn't let go of her. It's freezing, and they're shivering, but they don't make a single move to walk away from each other. She now thinks they can't stay here, so she moves a little, gazing back at the shop.

"Kaneki," his name makes him move away from her, slowly breaking the embrace and probably making him think that that's enough. He sniffs, looking down, wiping his dried tears with the palm of his hand way too roughly, irritating the skin even more. "Why… why don't we go inside? You're freezing, I'll make you a cup of — "

He shakes his head, sniffing again and looking for his jacket on the floor. Once he finds it, he grabs it, and stands up. Touka follows, confused.

"No," he murmurs. "I'm leaving now."

And just like that, he starts walking way to his car, parked a few steps away from the shop. Touka gasps, heavily disoriented and follows him until she stops him, grabbing his arm again. This time, the situation is different. Things are gentler, the sound of their voices, the movements of their bodies. He turns around, facing her, but he's not looking at her face.

"W-What? Don't."

He sighs, he looks tired.

"Go home," he murmurs. "It's late."

Kaneki makes an attempt to move away, but Touka stops him again.

"Kaneki, you've been drinking, I can't let you drive like this," she looks around, grabbing his arm and dragging him with her. "Let me take you home, I'll get a cab, come on."

His numb body doesn't put up a fight. Like a zombie, he follows her, he lets her drag him to a more crowded part of the city until they come across with a cab and Touka calls for it, and the vehicle stops in front of them. She opens the door for him, allowing him the entrance and getting inside after him, firmly closing the door. She talks to the driver, paying him now before they reach their destiny and giving him all the directions.

Once the car starts to move, Kaneki closes his eyes. His head falls on the backseat, briefly staring at the window. Touka does the same, releasing a deep sigh, feeling sick and nervous and everything all at once. The dark engulfs them, the waving of the car makes her feel sleepy and needy for something. Every light outside glows at them like stars fading away in the sky, they pass like shooting stars, landing on her face for then dissolve into scraps of nothing. An old song plays on the radio, a ballad, _I had all and then most of you, some and now none of you,_ Touka turns her head around, resting on the backseat to find Kaneki with his eyes glued on the glass, completely alien to everything. She looks down, finding their hands resting on the seat, too close to each other but none of them make a single move. Their fingers almost grazing.

So close, yet so far away.

So far.

She wishes she wouldn't have to get out of this car. She wishes this trip could last forever, nothing can take her away from him as long as both remain inside this car, it's only a foolish way to keep him with her a little longer, just a little longer. The dancing lights of the night rain upon them until they become nothing, and neither of them say anything to each other in what's left of the trip, their eyes never meet, their words never crash, their hands never touch.

Never.

—o—

It's 3:00 AM when they arrive at his apartment. Touka leads him through the hallways, the elevator, takes the keys to open the door to his flat and they enter in complete silence. The place is dark as hell, and with a bit of struggle, Touka manages to make way through, the soft lights from the windows being her only guidance. Kaneki, very slowly and almost deadly, walks towards his bed until his body crashes on the mattress, releasing a deep sigh and hiding his face under his arm, as if covering his eyesight from the sun. Touka gets rid of a few things in her way and walks towards the bed, taking the sheets to cover him with them. He looks miserable, and pale, and way too tired. Her hand instantly travels to his forehead, taking his arm away so she can feel his temperature, but he seems to be just fine.

Kaneki has his eyes open, fixed on her face, scrutinizing with focus. A tendril of blue hair falls over her forehead and temptation whispers that his hand should lift up and lock it away, slide the pad of his thumb over her lips, and make the slightest attempt to draw her a little closer, just a little, to kiss her. But he's too tired, to spent to even think straight and make incoherent decisions. So he just stares at her, for as long as he can, because he knows she will be gone soon and maybe that's how things should be. Maybe.

Touka thinks she should do something about his bruises, did he get into some kind of fight after he left the funeral home? She adverts his eyes on her, and returns the gesture. Even in the dark, his eyes glow.

"Try to get some sleep now," she whispers, and feels like that's the only thing she can say.

Touka makes an attempt to move. She stands, ready to leave because that's what she has to do, because Kaneki is drunk and confused and part of her is now seriously wondering if all the things he said hours ago are true. He wasn't touching his chin, he was looking at her straight in the eyes the whole time.

However, the feeling of his hand pulling out the sleeve of her jacket makes her stop in her place.

"Stay," he pleads in a whisper. Touka turns around, staring at the way Kaneki's hand slides down from her sleeve to her hand. His fingers are soft, and tender, and warm. "Stay."

Haise is waiting for her, she reminds herself. She told him she should be home soon, but it's 3:00 AM now, and she's still here, and Kaneki is asking her to stay.

Stay.

Touka wants to ask why. Why now. Why after everything he said. Why does he want her to stay? Why does he always say one thing, but ends up doing something completely different? Why. Why. _Why._

"Kaneki…"

"Please," he insists, his eyes fall shut. "Don't go."

Her eyes fall shut too.

Like a fool, Touka stays.

She lays down with him, behind him, after taking off her shoes. Her arms keep him close, his back pressed against her chest, and Kaneki holds her hands, bringing them to his chest, to his lips, feeling his breathing caressing her skin over and over again. He falls asleep almost immediately, and Touka remains by his side until she's sure he won't be waking up anytime soon. Even if she wanted, even if her heart begged for it, she couldn't stay, she had to return home.

And she does.

Silently, she walks out of his bed, securing the sheets around them and softly pressing a kiss to his forehead. Touka leaves his apartment with cold hands and a broken heart, and calls for a cab to return home. It's still dark inside, and less cold than before, but she still feels like freezing when the car stops in front of her house and realizes that one of the lights are still on. She takes a small breath, securing her body in a confidence she never owned and opens the door. The first thing she encounters is Haise's silhouette, sitting on the table with a cup of coffee in his hand. He has a book in his hands, the cooking book she'd bought him for Christmas, the one she was planning to give him once he was back, with a kiss and maybe something else, before everything went to hell.

He hears the door being open and looks past his shoulder, Touka's gloomy silhouette slowly approaching and getting rid of her jacket.

"Hey," she greets.

"Hey," it's his response.

Did he stay awake all night?

Touka looks at the book, sighing, and takes a seat. There's a small silence lingering in the air, and Touka isn't sure of what to say. She looks around, thinking that the kids are probably in the other room.

"The kids are asleep?" she asks.

Haise nods.

"Yeah," he makes a pause, lifting up his gaze. "How… how is Kaneki?"

This time, Touka doesn't hold his gaze. She looks down, at her hands, poorly resting on her lap.

"He was really drunk," explains. "I… we stayed in the shop until he was feeling better, after that, I took him home."

"Thank you," Haise rubs his face for a moment, he looks so tired. "Was he… rude to you or, did he say — "

Touka shakes her head, eyes pressing shut.

"No, no. He…" she makes a pause, trying to find the right words. "He's gonna be alright, he just needs time."

Haise nods, gazing down at the book. Touka follows his eyes.

"It's… your Christmas present," she whispers.

Haise gazes down at the pages, nodding softly and offering a sad smirk.

"Thank you," Haise blinks softly, putting the book away. "I… I got you something too."

Haise stands, slowly, and walks towards the couch to pull something out of his suitcase. A red, gift-wrapped paper hiding the gift from her eyes. He approaches, leaning against the table and handing her the present. Touka holds it, there's a slight weight to it, and after delivering one last glance at Haise, him nodding approvingly, Touka gets rid of the paper and holds her breath when she finds a cute, white, bunny-shaped mug. The pink ears poking out at each side, the face of the rabbit smiling at her at the front, with its pink nose and blushy cheeks.

He had bought this just for her.

Touka holds the cup so dearly in her hands. They shake, and her eyes start to water.

"Do you like it?" Haise asks.

Out of the blue, Touka burst into tears.

Haise gasps, not expecting such reaction from her. He approaches, alarmed.

"B-Bunny?"

"I-I'm… I'm sorry," she sobs, holding the cup. It's too beautiful. She doesn't deserve it. "I… I'm just…"

Haise doesn't force her to speak. Touka keeps on crying, and Haise sighs, leaning closer until she's lying her cheek on his stomach and his hands are smoothing her hair and her back, holding her as tight as he can.

"It's okay, baby," he soothes, bending down to kiss her head. "It's alright."

Through the darkness, he holds her. With his arms around her, his smell impregnating in her skin, he never lets her go. And it breaks her, his kindness breaks her because she's not worthy of it, because she knows she has to make a choice and it's in moments like these when she's unsure of what to do, convinced that her final decision will end up by hurting someone, and yet, she _has_ to make it.

It's not alright.

It will never be.


	10. Despair In The Departure Lounge

**A/N:** i... really don't have much to say in here? apart from thank you. Really, to all the people who supported this fic from the start, even despite the entire drama surrounding it, i have no words that can express how thankful i am. I am super proud of this piece and i'm very content with the ending, it's exactly what i wanted to accomplish from the start, i can't believe i really finished it, it's a huge deal for me. I know that many of you will have many questions regarding the ending so please don't hesitate to send me a message! i'll be more than happy to answer your questions.

* * *

 **«Yes, No, Maybe»**

 **Chapter 10:** Despair In The Departure Lounge.

* * *

 _Three months later._

Kaneki vanished.

Like the fume of the cigarettes he so fervently used to smoke, his presence had vanished in the thin air leaving nothing behind, no trace of his smell, no echo of his voice, no scars from his touch. For three long and torturous months, Touka was left alone all over again, calling a number that never answered, knocking a door that never opened, holding the scarf he gave her the day she left his apartment like an old amulet, the only part of him she seemed to own so deeply. Only a scarf. A stupid, thick scarf.

At first, Touka gave him time. She tried, and was patient to do so. His mother had died, everything around him suddenly changed in such an abrupt way that she didn't feel like she had any right to push him any further. She only called him once, a call he never responded, and she left a message telling him that it was fine if he didn't want to talk, if he needed some time for himself. But she pleaded, very softly, for a response; just to make sure he was alright. The response never came. Still, Touka waited. Weeks later, she went to his apartment in hopes that he would answer the constant knocking at his door, but he never did. That's when she started to call him almost every day, getting no response at all.

Vanished. Just like that.

Just like eight years ago.

She came to the conclusion that he was probably angry at her, and the thought made her feel extremely empty, extremely miserable. He would always do something that made her believe that he was angry, but this time was different. She had called Hide too, finally getting his number the day of the funeral, to ask him if he had news of him. Hide said he only saw him a few times after that night, but that he was alright, working his ass off almost every day and reassured her that he wasn't angry at her, but Touka couldn't get her head around it. If he wasn't angry, why was he ignoring her so badly?

New Year's Eve arrived like a breath of fresh air, like the promise of a hope, like the start of a year with better opportunities, better resolutions, better dreams. They all gathered in their home, her parents and brother, even Uncle Yomo decided to come, bringing his friend Uta with whom Ken was more than fascinated. And Haise was happy, truly happy. The incident of their mother was now a distant memory, an ancient nightmare. Kuroneki, Shironeki and Ken started off as new beings, the shimmer in their eyes was back, the joy of their youth restored once more. The empty bottles were gone, the constant yelling was finally over. And the night of New Year's Eve was the final chapter towards a more hopeful and brighter future. They all raised their glasses, thanking the gods for the moment and confessing their hopes for the next year. Ken asked for a new bicycle, Kuroneki expressed his desire to find a part-time job, Ayato announced his plans to move out with Hinami—news that made Shironeki quite angry, they started arguing after that—and Haise…

He smiled, brightly, bringing Touka close to his chest.

"To finally get married with Touka this year," he'd said, prompting a proud smile out of everyone.

And Touka couldn't bring herself to smile at the comment.

She couldn't.

After the toast was over and Haise started to bring out the desserts he'd made, Touka told them she was going outside for a moment to give Yoriko a call. She left the house, their voices becoming distant echoes behind her, and she took a seat on the sidewalk. She grabbed her phone, absently staring at Kaneki's name for long minutes before finally making the decision to call him.

But, of course, he never answered.

With heavy breath and squirming her hand against the edge of her dress over and over again, she left another message in his mailbox.

"Hey," she stuttered, feeling extremely pathetic all over again. "It's me. I was just… calling to see if you were okay. I went to your flat last week but you weren't there. And… whatever, I get it. You don't have to answer this call if you don't want to, I'm just…"

She made a pause, breathing out a shaky _"fuck"_ that she was sure the call had recorded. Fuck. _Fuck._ FUCK. The meaning of her words was so heavy that they utterly consumed her. She wiped out an angry tear, absently staring at the faint flicker of a streetlight. "Look, I just wanna know if you are okay. Maybe I shouldn't call you anymore but everytime I give up, I end up doing it again. Sorry, you're probably gonna delete this message too. I'm an idiot."

Touka breathed out a shaky chuckle, but her face couldn't betray her. She didn't feel happy at all.

"Anyway… happy new year," her eyes fell shut, breathing out her last words, because she wasn't going to call him again. "I miss you."

It was better that way.

Three months have passed since that, and Touka realized that it was time to move on or, at least, try her best to do it. He wasn't going to answer and he was definitely not going to look after her. Chasing her all over the place, going to her shop, calling her and texting her constantly… for then disappear and pretend that she didn't exist. What was the point? Maybe there was no point at all. That's how Kaneki was, and he wasn't going to change, not even for her.

Now, her focus was herself. It had to be. Her life, Haise, the man she promised to love, the family she was slowly trying to build, her social life, her desire to move on. Everything went well for a while, and spending a lot of time with other people made her feel less lonely, made her not think about Kaneki that much, but the truth is that there was an emptiness she couldn't fill with anything else. She was aching, she was burning, she was dying inside.

Dying.

Kuroneki, Shironeki and Ken stood with them during those months, until the time came to face reality. Their mother's house, _their_ house, was still waiting for them, and they needed to make a decision sooner or later. It all started with a call of Haise that finally, _finally_ , Kaneki responded. Because he was not only ignoring Touka's, but also his brother and everyone around him, even Hide. The news came to Touka like a splash of cold water.

"We agreed to meet up tomorrow morning at my Mom's house, all of us," Haise commented while chopping some onions in the kitchen. "It's the first call he answers in months. But… I'm glad he did. I really am."

Kaneki… he answered Haise's call. He answered, but he never answered hers. The thought that maybe he was only ignoring _her_ ripped her body apart, and with great regret she told Haise she would go with them to the house, to which he responded with a gentle smile, a tender kiss on her forehead.

And here they were.

Here they _are._

The house is empty, and dark, and hollow. They all remain silent for a moment, absently staring at every corner, each one filled with both good and bad memories. With a sigh, Touka approaches to the nearest window and opens it. The light splashes the walls, paints everything in a new, brighter color. In silence and with no indications, Touka starts to clean up the place, take the dirty dishes to the kitchen, the empty bottles to the trashcan, spreading some room deodorizer to make the house feel less abandoned. Kuroneki and Shironeki help her, they start putting all of their Mom's stuff in cardboard boxes: her clothes, her personal items, even some of their pictures together. They didn't need a second thought, a soft "are you sure?" before starting. They knew what they wanted to do, what they needed to do, and each task was accomplished in utter silence.

A silence that Kaneki breaks with his arrival, he broke it like everything else. Like he broke their friendship, as he broke _her._

Their mother lived in a flat inside a small apartment, so the main door was wide open for Kuroneki and Shiro to leave some of the packaged stuff on the aisle, the ones they had decided to throw away. It wasn't needed for Kaneki to knock on the door or ring the bell. His steps make everyone stop their work, it makes her stop and raise her head up to the door, where he was standing, slowly giving one step in.

An uncomfortable silence lingers for seconds. Kaneki's eyes softly travel to the boxes piled up in a corner, then, they meet her. It's vague, and rapid, and Touka can't find the strength to look away. He does, though. After a moment, his eyes look at Haise, then at his brothers, then he releases a heavy sigh. He takes off his jacket, throwing it around, and takes a chair to sit in front of the table, acting like this wasn't the first time they see each other after three long months, acting like nothing ever happened in the funeral, where he punched Haise in the face. He looks tired, and ready to get on with this as soon as possible.

"What are you guys doing," he asks in a hushed mutter.

Shiro, Kuroneki and Haise exchange a look, but Touka can't stare at any of them. She puts down the box she's holding and slowly decides to take a seat at the end of the large table, right in a place where Kaneki's eyes can't ignore her presence. She feels Kaneki's gaze on her for a moment before looking away.

"We're, uh…" Haise swallows, and decides to take a seat alongside Kaneki, somehow taking advantage of the fact that he's not being aggressive to make peace between them. "Just… cleaning a bit. H-Hey, are you… are you okay? You — "

Kaneki sighs tiredly, looking older than he actually is. He lifts up his fingers to rub his eyes over and over again. He looks miserable.

"Can we just skip all that crap?" he demands. "You said we needed to talk. So talk."

Silence.

Haise sighs, nodding.

"We need to decide what are we going to do with this house," he makes a pause. "The kids have been staying with me all this time, and they know I don't have a problem with that but we can't leave this house here just like that. We need to sell it, or — "

"I don't… want to sell it," Kuroneki interrupts.

Kaneki and Haise lift up their eyes at him, as if realizing he was there. Whenever the family had issues to discuss, it was always Kaneki and Haise the ones in charge of the situation, giving the fact that they were the older ones. But Kuroneki was growing, and so was Shironeki.

"What do you mean?" Haise inquires.

Kuroneki gives one step, followed by Shiro.

"I… I want to keep the house. I want to live here, with Shironeki and Ken. I know it sounds crazy but — "

"H-Hey, wait a minute," Haise disrupts, quite alarmed by his brother's proposal. "How…? Kuroneki, this house needs maintenance, pay the bills, pay the food you're going to eat, the clothes you're gonna buy, the internet, everything. I… I don't know if I can afford paying not only my own house's expenses but also Mom's house? Guys, I think it's best if you come to live with us for now. You're only seventeen, we can't put this property in your name, you're underage."

Kuroneki sighs, quite exasperated. He gives one step, begging for his brother's approval.

"Well, with better reason! I'm old enough, and I'll be turning eighteen soon. I can get a part-time job, we both can. We can work in Touka's shop, right, Touka-chan?" he looks down at her, quite excited, as if seeking for her approval. Touka doesn't say anything, she can't even think straight with Kaneki sitting right in front of her. "We've been taking care of ourselves for so long, we can do it. After you and Kaneki, I'm the oldest. I want to take care of Shiro and Ken by myself, I've done that before multiple times. I know we can do it, our houses aren't that far so if we ever need anything we're only minutes away. We'll be okay. Please, Haise."

His brother looks startled. He swallows, blinking softly and trying to come up with a better solution, a better alternative.

"I… Kuro, I don't know if — "

Kaneki's sigh disrupts his speech.

"I'll take care of it."

All of them turn their eyes to Kaneki.

"W-What?"

Kaneki nods, softly.

"I'll put the property in my name until you're old enough. I'll pay the bills and everything else. You can keep the house."

Shironeki frowns, extremely confused.

"What? Really?"

Haise ignores them, turning to his brother.

"Kaneki… are you sure? You don't have to do this, I can pay for — "

"It's okay," Kaneki sighs, standing up from the chair and grabbing his black coat, ready to leave. "Is that all?"

Kuroneki is speechless, just like everyone else. He parts his lips to speak, unsure of what to say. Thank you? It isn't necessary? I'll take care of it? He has no idea of what he's supposed to say.

"I — "

"Just… give me a call when you need me to sign the papers."

Without saying anything else, Kaneki turns around, leaving the apartment. As soon as his presence gets lost in the aisle, Shironeki starts to ramble about the idea, about how _fucking_ crazy it is that Kaneki just offered himself to pay all the expenses of the house, claiming that he probably did it for Ken because he "doesn't give a fuck about us" and just when Haise is joining the conversation, also expressing his concern, Touka decides to go after him.

She can't take it anymore.

The ideas about moving on without him, of leaving any trace of him behind, of abandoning her hopes for something so unreachable... nothing mattered the moment he crossed that door and Touka knew that she had to follow him. Nobody seems to suspect of the way she leaves the apartment, really quickly, to desperately follow Kaneki through the hallways. Her feet bombard each step she gives, it echoes through the empty corridors as she runs down the stairs and softly calls out his name, not wanting everyone to hear it. He's midway through the door, but he stops. He always stops at the sound of her voice. Kaneki turns around, and Touka walks down the last steps of the stairs with her guts stirring inside of her and something in her heart pumping furiously. He'd been chasing her for so long… the first time he ever did. And she always knew. Touka always knew that she needed him more than he needed her. That she loved him more than he loved her. It was a natural thing in their relationship, how things were supposed to be, and it didn't matter how much Touka tried to change the course of things… they always ended up in the same place. Touka gives one step, keeping her stare intact, his body language remains the same. Stiff, distant, miserable.

"Why are you ignoring me?" her voice comes in a broken whisper, as if the idea of Kaneki ignoring her all over again threatens to tear her apart.

A wave of slight pain hits his face. He doesn't look irritated or angry, as she thought he would be. He swallows, sharply, and hesitates.

"I'm not ignoring you."

Touka gasps, her eyes are already burning.

"You've been ignoring… every single one of my messages," she wipes a tear before even realizing it's there. It makes him take one step further, unsure if he should do something about it, and Touka wishes he wouldn't be so unsure all the damn time. "If… if you're mad because I left after — "

"I'm not mad," he adds way too quickly, looking down at her. His eyes start to become glassy too. "I'm not mad. You're right, I should have called you before. I'm sorry."

Touka lowers her gaze, rapidly cleaning her red nose. The hallways are freezing. The door is just a few steps behind her, she can hear Haise's voice and Shironeki's complaints and it sounds like a place she doesn't want to go back to. Kaneki lowers his voice to her after some time of silence, realizing she wasn't going to answer.

"I just... I needed time. There were things I had to figure out on my own."

Touka isn't holding his gaze. She nods, her chest burning deeply. Every time he needed to solve things… to think about things… he always left her behind. She lifts up her eyes, lips trembling softly. He's looking down at them, and her eyes, and every corner of her face.

"So…" she starts, shrugging painfully. "What now?"

There's a long pause that makes her fear for the worst. He's gonna leave her. He's gonna leave her again, even if she wasn't even his in the first place. _You're not my girlfriend_ he'd said, and he was right. He was right. The ignored calls, the way he avoided her eyes back at the house, she can already sense what's coming next.

Kaneki swallows, features achingly. He takes his time to answer.

"I didn't mean… all those things I said last time, I didn't mean it. You know that, right?"

Their eyes meet.

"I know…. that we still have things to talk about," he explains. "I'm free this Saturday after work, meet me at that library just around the corner of your shop, I'll be with my car."

So… after everything that had happened… he still wanted to talk? Touka nods, a bit confused by his proposal, but the idea of seeing him again lights up something inside of her.

"I thought… you didn't want to see me again," she whispers, his brows frown slightly at her commentary. "I thought you ignored my calls because you didn't want to see me."

Kaneki shakes his head repeatedly, studying her for a moment.

"Of course not," he attempts to give one step, "I — "

The voices coming from the apartment become noisier, Kaneki shuts his mouth, looking up at the stairs. He seems irritated, deeply annoyed of not being able to maintain a normal conversation with Touka because of his brothers. He sighs again, frantic.

"I'll meet you there, okay?"

Touka takes a deep breath, and just when Kaneki makes the slightest attempt to turn around and leave before someone could hear them, Touka pulls out the sleeve of his jacket, forcing him to face her. She knows she shouldn't do this, but her feelings overweight her reason when she leans to press their lips together. His gasp gets lost in her lips and the mere contact of her mouth against him makes Kaneki release a painful sigh, and butterflies tug inside of her when Kaneki responds back, when his hand softly flies towards the back of her neck to keep her against him just a little longer, because their circumstances prevent them from getting more. He breaks away, keeping their foreheads together for a brief moment. He gazes down at her lips, caresses them one more time with the pad of his fingers, and then he leaves.

The moment he turns away, Touka feels she's lost a part of her body, a vital organ inside of her. Her hand holds his for a brief moment during his departure, her fingers sliding through the palm of his hand and then he's gone, the door shuts down in front of her eyes and she sighs, keeping her fingers on her warm lips, still carrying the taste of him. Her feet force her to turn back and return to the apartment, but the silhouette of Kuroneki coming down the stairs in the exact moment she was climbing them makes her stop, repressing a scared shriek with her hand firmly pressed against her chest.

"Fuck!" she exclaims, heavily surprised. "You scared me!"

"S-Sorry!" he lifts up his hands apologetically. "I was just… H-Haise told me to call you because we're leaving."

Touka sighs, heart throbbing furiously.

He didn't… he didn't see anything, right? No, he couldn't have.

"A-Alright."

Kuroneki nods, and she nods too, and after a brief silence Touka heads to the apartment, an insecure Kuroneki following her just a few steps away.

On their way home, Kuroneki remains silent the whole trip.

 **—o—**

A lot of things happen during the week she's waiting for Saturday to arrive.

Kuroneki, Shironeki and Ken finally move on to their apartment, spending almost the entire day helping them pack their things and accommodate them in their home once they settle down. Haise sheds some tears, and so does Ken, unsure if living with his younger brothers is a good idea at all. That same week, too, Yoriko told her she was pregnant. The idea both excited her and depressed her. If only she had that same trust to tell her she was fucking Kaneki in secret, that she was in love with him, that she wanted to _be_ with him despite her compromise with Haise. For some strange reason, the anger that the realization provoked in her forced Touka to do something she didn't do in a long time: dye her hair. She dyed it black again, cutting it short like she used to wear it when she was younger. Many people believed that cutting your hair meant a new, fresh start. Touka didn't know if that was true, but changing her hairstyle always served as a way to cope with things.

But, no matter how much she tried to change her hair, there were still things she couldn't cope with.

Truth was one of them.

Saturday arrived with a salty scent in the air that anticipated a storm, and a weird feeling lingering in her guts forced her to wake up pretty early that day, unable to go back to bed. She had spent the next hours drinking coffee and thinking of all the things she wanted to say to Kaneki, constantly changing her speech in the process. Nothing good was going to come out of that, and her heart reminded her over and over again to not indulge herself with false illusions. Just because Kaneki wanted to talk with her it didn't mean he wanted things to stay the same, or to change into something else. Despite his weak apology, the words he'd said back at the funeral were still resonating deep inside of her.

 _You are not my girlfriend, we are nothing._

Nothing.

 _Nothing._

"Ah, looks like a big storm is coming!" Haise's voice makes Touka's eyes blink, waking up from her nightmares.

Her eyes follow him through the room. He's tying his tie around his neck, getting ready for work and giving a curious look through the window, eyeing the glassy sky above. He looks beaming, and sparks with life and good intentions. He's always smiling, he's always excited about something, and the mere idea of knowing that within a few hours she'd be meeting his brother in secret makes her want to throw up. How is she… how is she even going to talk to him? How is she gonna tell him?

Did she even want to?

"Yeah," she murmurs, sitting on the couch in front of the TV.

Haise sighs, coming closer to take a seat by her side and keep on working on his tie.

She studies him for a moment, resting her head in the backrest and silently begging for his forgiveness over, and over again. His fluffy hair falls in all directions, getting a little more frizzy today considering the weather. His teeth trap his lower lip between them in pure frustration when his middle finger gets stuck in the knot he's trying to make, frowning in concentration until he finally makes it, and sighs in relief. Touka can't help the sad smirk, and Haise is aware of her haunting eyes.

He frowns, smiling awkwardly.

"Why are you looking at me like that?"

Touka awaits, smile slowly fading away. Out of impulse, she lifts up her hand to brush some wild strands of hair from his forehead.

"Do you wanna know…" she starts, still fixing his hair. "When was the moment I fell in love with you?"

Haise blinks, quite confused by the sudden theme of conversation, especially coming from her, someone who didn't really have a romantic appeal in her character. He smiles softly, nodding.

"Um… y-yes?"

"I was in college," she remembers, sadness growing within her like a stomachache. "Back when you were in the Academy. You called me that day, you said we should meet up after I was done with my classes. You… asked me if I had eaten, and I said no. I told you that I didn't have time to prepare my lunch that morning and that I was starving. You didn't say anything after that, but hours later when you were waiting for me in the parking lot, you were holding a small bento box in your hands."

Haise's brows raise slightly, eyes sparkling.

"Oh, I remember that."

"You didn't buy that box somewhere in a store on your way. You… cooked that for me, right after that call, just because I told you I was hungry. You could have taken me to eat something but… you decided that you wanted to make something yourself," she says, feeling her eyes watering just by the memory. Touka swallows, trying to get her shit together. "No one ever did something like that for me. So… that's when I knew."

His shoulders relax in a calm chuckle.

"Wow," his cheeks dye in a pink flush, and the shimmer in his eyes scream with pride. "Who would have thought that my food would make you fall in love with me?"

Touka smiles faintly, lowering her gaze. After a pause, Haise decides it's his turn to tell his version of the story.

"Do you wanna know mine now?"

A wave of soft adrenaline hits her, and Touka looks up at him. She takes a moment to breathe, to remember not to cry because she doesn't want to worry him, to make him think that something's wrong when _everything_ is wrong. So she offers a weak nod, and Haise doesn't seem to notice the sadness in her eyes. He smiles, fixing the sleeves of his white shirt as he speaks.

"Part of me thinks I've always loved you, but I don't wanna get too corny so… I believe it was when you started working in that shop, Anteiku. You took that job so seriously, never missing a shift even when you were sick. I've always admired how much of a hard worker you are, I guess I was able to see that at that time," he laughs, shaking his head at the thought. "God, I was such an idiot back then."

Touka smiles softly, nodding.

"Just a bit."

He laughs again.

"I always felt nervous around you, it was stupid. I was so scared to tell anyone how I felt, I'm glad Kaneki never made fun of me for that, though."

Shocked, Touka draws back, head abandoning the backrest to stare at Haise fixing his sleeves with an expression she's sure she never had on her face before. For a moment, silence reigns in the living room, and something in her body makes her skin freeze, a cold shiver burning every nerve.

"Wait…" Touka breathes out a shaky chuckle, but it sounds more like a broken gasp than anything else. She's starting to feel dizzy. "W-What?"

Haise lifts up his gaze, confused. He nods, looking away and then fixing his eyes back on hers, shrugging as if it was nothing. Nothing.

"Well, I wouldn't say he didn't… mock me? At least not out loud, but he surely was surprised. I mean, I can't blame him, if I was the one who — "

Slowly but surely, her body grows extremely cold. She's lost, she's completely lost. Something splashes around her, submerging her into a sea of darkness. She's drowning.

She's fucking drowning.

A second.

Two.

"Haise," she laments, trying so hard not to cry in front of him, but she's unable to keep her voice still, and Haise notices it quickly. "You… you told Kaneki?"

Haise shifts in his seat, face growing worried.

"Bunny, why are you — "

"You told him?" she repeats, and she's not looking at him. Her eyes are fixed on his knees, feeling like she's drowning with her own broken breathing.

Touka doesn't want to know. She doesn't want to know, yet she asks, and Haise is quick to respond. No, no, no… this can't be happening, this —

"I… told him many years ago. Uh, b-bunny, are you —"

"When?"

Please, please, _please._

Confusion never abandons Haise's expression. He hesitates for a moment, blinking and trying to remember something that doesn't seem of major importance for him, a crucial event he needed to remember with each one of its details.

"A few days after that… incident," his words are shattering everything around her, all at once. She doesn't want to know, she doesn't want to know, she wants to close her eyes and stop listening to the sound of his voice and all the things he's saying. It can't be, it can't be. "It was after my Mom got hospitalized."

Touka looks away almost immediately, hiding her expression from him. That's when everything happened, that's when Kaneki took her to the bridge and ended every single thing going on between them. Back at his apartment, even after kissing her and confessing his mistakes, he never truly explained to her _why_ he did that, and Touka never asked, she never wanted to know. She wasn't strong enough to handle it.

She wasn't.

Touka swallows bitterly, uttering not a single word to Haise even though she can hear him calling out her name. Her knuckles turn white, and she doesn't know what to do anymore. She just doesn't.

"Tou — "

"I… it's nothing, I just didn't expect him to know," she adds quickly, getting up from the couch to walk to the kitchen and pretend she's doing something. "You want more coffee?"

So he knew.

Kaneki knew, all along, what Haise felt for her. He knew it when he lied to her in the bridge, he knew it when she thought it would be a shock for him to find out that she and Haise were engaged. How… how could he be shocked… when he always knew? Touka tries to remain calm, to clear out her head and wait until she could hear it from Kaneki himself. Maybe… maybe it was a misunderstanding, maybe Haise was confused, maybe he didn't remember correctly and was just mixing it all up.

Time passes by and Haise heads to work, and the time to meet up with Kaneki draws nearer and nearer. She dresses up with a simple black coat and the scarf he gave her the last time they were together, ready to return it back. It starts raining the moment she leaves her house, keys in hand and heart on her sleeve, and it doesn't stop pouring when she holds her umbrella as if her life depends on it, walking the grey streets way to her shop and then to the library where he told her he would be waiting. For a moment, a brief and wicked moment, Touka fears he won't be there as he promised, but his black car parked right in front of the library is the only thing standing out in a street that is empty and hollow, crying out a river of rain that drowns everything around them.

She takes a moment to start walking. Takes a deep, painful breath, and prays to whatever is up in heaven to help her and give her strength to confront the situation, because no matter how much she tried to change her hair, there were still things she couldn't cope with.

Kaneki was one of them.

Her legs start moving towards the car and it seems as if Kaneki already saw her coming because he's opening the passenger's door before she can reach out to the handle and open it herself. With a bit of difficulty she manages to close the umbrella, drenching her entire body with the rain in the process as she quickly enters the car, taking a seat and throwing the umbrella behind her. She sighs, closing the door and briefly staring at the storm picking up its pace.

It's then when their eyes meet.

"Hey," she simply says, clothes dampened and skin glistening with the drops.

Kaneki can't help but draw his eyes to her hair, dark and shorter than before, and a wave of profound nostalgia hits him. He's holding the wheels, and dwelling in the sight of her before blinking softly, lips twitching in a sad expression that can't even be considered a smile, yet Touka knows that's what he's attempting to do.

"You dyed your hair again."

Touka gasps, feeling a bit awkward as her fingers softly brush the strands of wet hair down her sides.

"Y-Yeah," she mumbles. "I hope it doesn't look too weird."

Kaneki shakes his head in disagreement. He's looking at her, yet it seems as if his eyes are lost somewhere else. In the past, maybe. In the old familiar image of her.

"I've always liked it better this way," he admits, and he's not trying to smile anymore. He can't. After a pause, he adds, "you look beautiful."

Beautiful.

They share a stare that means so much more than everything they've shared till now. It's full of sadness, and lost possibilities, and terrible nostalgia. Her eyes grow red and swollen and she delivers him a soft, tender smirk in gratitude. Kaneki stares for a little longer, as if terrified that the image will suddenly disappear. She looks younger this way, and reckless, dark hair always made her look extremely relatable, and for the first time in years he feels that he's looking at the right Touka, _his_ Touka and not Haise's, with her fluffy and light blue tint. This is the Touka he knows, and it breaks him to know that she's not fully his.

Kaneki takes a short amount of breath and drifts his gaze away, holding the wheel firmly between his hands as he starts to drive way to his apartment. They remain quiet the entire twenty minutes it takes them to arrive. Through the corner of his eyes, he observes the way she keeps her own fixed on the glass, nervously playing with her fingers on her lap.

The drive is only twenty minutes, but for Kaneki it feels like a suffocating eternity.

—o—

They arrive at his apartment soaking wet due to the rain that never stops even when they're inside. Clouds crash against each other and splashes of blue light hit the windows every now and then, making her wait for a clap of thunder that never arrives. They close the door behind them, damping the floor with the drops falling down from their clothes. Touka takes off her coat, throwing it away to the ground and Kaneki does the same a few steps ahead of her, getting lost in the room that leads to his bedroom to return with two small white towels. He throws one at her and her hands catch it in the air, rapidly drying the ends of her hair as she watches him doing the same.

His shirt clings to his body, thick hair sticking to his forehead and shoulders shivering from the cold. He's looking for the remote control to turn on the heat and warm themselves up, but Touka is looking at him, softly holding the towel in her hands. Her lips part, drops falling off her hair and caressing her eyelashes, making them look like tears. Touka blinks them away, taking one step.

"Kaneki."

He finds the remote control underneath a pillow and starts reading all the buttons, as if not knowing well how to use it. His lips mumble a deep _hmm_ as if encouraging her to speak, but he's not looking at her. Touka holds her breath, not wanting to do this now, not wanting to do this _ever_ but the idea of not confronting him about it kills her inside.

"Haise told me something," she adds in a broken whisper.

Kaneki flicks up his gaze at her for a brief moment, huffing and changing his expression drastically. He returns his focus to the control, finally pressing a button.

"Why are you talking about him," he complains, annoyed.

A pause.

A heart that stops beating.

"He said… that he told you he was in love with me the time your mother got hospitalized," she speaks too fast, the fear in her voice being more than evident. It's when Kaneki looks up at her again that Touka feels she's going to die. Why is he looking at her like that. "Is that true?"

Please, please, God, please…

There's no answer.

His expression changes, his annoyance at the mention of his brother is gone, and Touka doesn't have time to decipher what other of his infinity of masks he's using right now. He's not answering, he's not fucking answering and the rain is the only sound she can hear, she can't even listen to their breathing, or their heartbeats, or the voice of reason that tells her that it isn't a big deal, that it doesn't matter.

But it does, each second he spends in silence… it does.

Touka gasps, looking away, and fury takes over her body in an instant.

"Great," is all that she says.

In a second, Touka turns around and picks up her coat from the floor, opening the door ready to leave that fucking place once and for all. She's done. She's so done, but Kaneki never seems to have enough of her pain. He calls out her name, quite desperate, and closes the door before she can go through it and disappear. The door slams shut and Kaneki grabs her arm to pull her away from the exit, trying to make her look at him.

"Tou — "

"You knew!" Touka yells, crying as she shoves his chest. He's clenching his jaw, breathing becoming erratic. "The day of the bridge, you fucking knew!"

He looks extremely sick.

"Touka," he's trying to hold her still by her shoulders. "Let me expl — "

"Fuck you!" she pushes him away, sobbing and raising a hand to wipe out her tears. "All this time I thought… all the things you said in that bridge, you — "

"I'm not expecting you to understand," he complains, finally starting to jump out at his own defense.

She guffaws.

"Of course I don't understand! All your life complaining about your brother, about how much you hate him but as soon as he tells you he's in love with me, you fucking step aside so he can have the free way? Do you even realize how big of a joke you are?"

"For fuck's sake, Touka," he groans, angrier this time. He throws the towel away. "He didn't simply have a fucking stupid crush on you, don't you understand?"

Touka remains silent for a moment, chest tearing apart.

"And I did?" she asks, and the question takes him off guard. "All these years… everything I felt was a stupid crush to you? Enough so that you could dump me and act like it meant nothing?"

Kaneki sighs, turning around and rubbing his eyes over and over again.

"He wouldn't have get over it, I don't care now, I know I fucked up, but that's what I believed back then," he says, the tone of his voice intensifying. "Our Mom… she tried to kill herself, and Haise was the only one with us. He was the only one taking care of her at the hospital, the only one keeping the house alive while she was gone, it was the only time in my life where we felt close… and then he says that. Don't you think I wanted to fucking kill him? But I needed him alive, I needed him strong because I wasn't, none of us were. How… how could I have looked him in the eye if I told him my feelings? Right after confessing me how he felt? It would have destroyed him, I thought he wouldn't get —"

"Bullshit," she cuts him off, making him look at her with eyes full of surprise. She wasn't going to swallow his fucking pity. "He fucking would have, you know he would. He knew he didn't have a single chance with me, he would have suffered at first but he would have learned to move on and find someone else, or did you forget all the girlfriends he had before me? Don't make me laugh."

He swallows, throat bobbing with pain.

"It wasn't that simp — "

"I…" Touka breaks, nervously rubbing her forehead. Her face is red. "I told you what I felt first, but you cared more about Haise's feelings and never give a damn that I spent my whole life this way. He will get over it? What about me? It's been years, you asshole, and I've never been able to move on. Stop using your brother as an excuse to convince me that you care!"

There's a blank expression in his eyes, something that seems to be growing and growing with each word she says. Touka can't tell if it's making him angry or what, but she doesn't stop.

"You're a selfish son of a bitch, you only care about yourself," she points her finger at him, but then withdraws, throwing a hand over her face. "No, you know what? You don't even care about yourself! You never care about what _you_ want! You moved out of the way so that Haise could have a free pass and now that we are engaged you just… suddenly decide that you want me? Go fuck yourself."

Touka turns around, opening the door ready to leave, but Kaneki stops her again. His voice, this time, makes her feel like this isn't over yet. That she still has so much to stay, so much to scream, so much to cry.

His voice raises over the sound of the rain, demanding for her response.

"So what?" his eyes grow red and swollen in a matter of seconds, he shrugs, carrying the pain in his hands when he lifts them up in the air. "What was your plan, even before knowing this? Are you going to leave my brother now and stay with me? Cancel your engagement?"

Touka scoffs cruelly, shaking her head as she turns around and walks towards the door, ready to leave again, but this time isn't his voice what stops her. His hand firmly wraps around her arm, turning her around a little too roughly and their faces are closer now, she can feel his hot breath hitting her skin as he speaks.

"No no, now answer me," he demands, and her shoulders stiffen, and his heart is about to burst at any second. "You love to scream all that shit in my face but then you run away when I ask you a question? Tell me, would you leave my brother for me? Would you really leave him to be with me?"

Would she be able to break Haise's heart the way he couldn't many years ago, simply because of her feelings for him? Part of Kaneki doesn't think she will, and he's trying so hard to make her understand his point, his fucked up reasons. Kaneki pushes the boundaries even further now.

"Come on, answer me," he's not ready for her answer, yet he demands. "Would you — "

 _"Yes!"_

Her words startle him.

The grip of his hand weakens, and Touka takes it as an advantage to pull away from him. The tears flow like a river now, and they're burning her cheeks with each stroke. Her chest is burning, and she hates the fact that it's him the one provoking these reactions from her. Haise… he would have never made her cry like this, and yet…

"Yes!" she pants in a broken scream, and he gasps, terribly wounded. Of all the answers he was expecting to hear, he didn't… he didn't… "What if I do? What if I leave that house today and grab my things and appear right at your door? What are you gonna do? Are you gonna kick me out because you can't stand the idea of breaking your big brother's little heart? Are you gonna tell me you've been fucking me because you felt sorry for me?"

The way her voice cracks at the end… Kaneki is pale as snow.

Fuck.

 _Fuck._

No.

"I already know I'm the only one in here willing to make sacrifices for you," she turns around again, angrily heading to the door that seems to be so far away from where she's standing, and she's trying to walk as fast as she can, not realizing her purse is still on the ground, she's not even thinking straight.

But Kaneki is.

He yanks her by the waist and brings her to him, forcing her to turn around and face him when he smashes their lips together and Touka complaints with a frustrated whimper. He can feel her hands trying to push him away, but he insists, and fails miserably. She pushes him away, and smacks him in the face with a sound that could easily be mistaken by one of those thunders roaring in the sky. It doesn't hurt, and he doesn't care. He winces when she turns around, and walks faster this time, opening the door and heading towards the manual elevator but Kaneki follows her, he doesn't give up.

"What are you doing?" he exclaims.

"What does it look like I'm doing?" she yells back, opening the door of the elevator until his hand stops her just when she's about to close it.

Kaneki holds the door, and with a furious strength that it's almost scary, he opens it again, the crashing sound reverberating through the empty hallways of the building so loudly that makes her body jerk.

"You're not leaving."

She grabs the door again, trying to close it, but Kaneki's grip is hard and he slams the folding door again, making her hands unclasp the handle.

"Kaneki, move the fuck out of the way!"

He doesn't indulge, and Touka decides to drop it. She moves him aside, deciding to take the stairs instead, ready to say goodbye. But Touka's goodbyes are never for good.

She always thinks they are, that she will finally leave him after a few insults with her head up high, that she will resist the impulse to kiss him back when his mouth is on her, when she can feel the desperation in the way he drags her towards the wall and starts kissing her with a hunger far too deep to fully ignore. His grip fits, it's strong and good and makes her body shiver when she tries to resist, only to convince herself she doesn't want this anymore.

"Let me go!" she yells, fists pressed against his chest, but he's taller and stronger and it isn't like Touka is putting that much of a fight.

"Never," their erratic breaths fill the entire room, the pushing and pulling of their bodies increasing some type of dangerous energy between them. "I made a mistake, but we're here now. We're here, Touka-chan, you and me, and that's all that matters."

Her tears are pooling in her eyes when his rough hands try to keep her still, when he kisses her and uncomfortably gets rid of her black sweater, throwing it to the ground. Touka fights back for a while, but he's as patient as he can be, her lips are kissing him just as fervently, her nails digging into his skin as she tears his soaked shirt apart and their skins touch and his hands get lost underneath her skirt, it's rough and impatient and the storm takes care of muffling the sounds they make against each other's mouths and it doesn't matter anymore. Even if she hates him, perhaps it doesn't matter, perhaps he's right, and they're here, and that's all that matters.

They are tugging at each other's clothes, hurting from the force of their hands, she whispers that she hates him, over and over again, even when he sneaks a hand down her panties to feel her and corrects her with his tongue on her mouth. _You love me, he says, you love me,_ he repeats.

Yeah.

She loves him.

That's the problem.

Touka whines into him when his hand grips her hair, tangled around his fingers, and she's panting with need the moment he turns her around and whispers things in her ear, words that Haise would have never dared to say to her in moments like this. Touka braces the wall when he feels him behind her, touching her, dragging her panties down her legs with hurried need and then he's fumbling with his belt, pulling his cock out of his briefs and it's warmer than the rest of him, that the coldness of his wet chest firmly pressed against her back, pinning her to the wall so that she never runs away, so that she never leaves him again.

Kaneki's hands pull out her hair just slightly so that he can see her face, so that his lips can reach the curve of her jawline. This is wrong, she thinks, this is so wrong, yet there's nothing else she wants more than _this._ To be with him, no matter what, no matter how, no matter how many hearts she needed to break in the process because nothing can be worst than the pain of her own heart bleeding and beating for him.

"You want me to fuck you?" he angles his mouth to talk in her ear, he feels her body shake when his cock slides through her folds, making her buck her hips in response. "Right here?"

Touka nods vigorously, aching.

"Say it."

"Fuck me."

He smiles against her ear, capturing her earlobe between his teeth.

"Say it louder."

"I want you to fuck me."

He didn't want to hurt her, but somehow she always managed to get them to this point, a place so dark they seemed to know so well. Kaneki plunges into her, suffocating a moan with his face pressed hotly against her back. He grips her hard, pressing her firmly against the wall until he's pounding over and over from behind and the wet slap of their skins is the only thing he can hear when Touka's hair is a mess in her face, and she leans her head back against his shoulder and his fingers search for her forehead to push her hair back and everything is a mess.

A mess.

He fucks her the same way he lives: miserably, ruining everything around him.

He ruins her.

Kaneki picks her up in his arms, convinced that no one will ever touch her the way he does. Haise will never fuck her the way he does, he will never love her the way he does. He carries her back into the apartment, her arms around his neck and her mouth moaning when his tongue delves deeper, he holds her firmly against his body, and he's so warm, so safe. Nothing else in the world can reach her as long as she's in his arms, and it's sad, because he's the only source of her pain.

"I love you," he whispers, then, as he blindly carries her through his apartment in a dark room lighted up only by white flashes hitting the windows now and then. Her eyes shut firmly, and this is the first time he ever says that. The first time, and he says it again, right against her lips so his words won't be stolen by the sound of the storm. His words reverberate right against her mouth, deep into her stomach. "I love you, Touka."

I love you.

"I love you," he repeats, carrying her to his bedroom. "Don't leave me."

 _Don't leave me,_ he reiterates.

Don't leave me.

—o—

The rain continues to pour even after they finish.

Several hours have passed since that, they're now laying down on the bed, Kaneki resting his back on the backrest, smoking a cigarette in silence. Touka is giving him her back, curled up in a mess of blankets. The room is dark, even in daylight, and the storm outside is growing quiet. There's a slight distance between them, an empty spot at the center of the bed that neither of them tries to fill up. In fact, there's more than just an empty spot on the mattress. An emptiness bigger than any physical absence is surrounding them. They fucked, skin to skin, heart to heart, and yet something feels off. She thought it would be different somehow, that after kissing him things would be okay again, as they used to be when they were younger at the end of every fight.

She's not even angry at him anymore, yet she feels lonely on his bed, cold and broken. Touka remembers the months she spent trying to call him, getting no response at all.

"Kaneki," she whispers, staring at the rain through the window.

He doesn't answer, his silence inviting her to continue. Touka licks her lips, swallowing softly.

"Have you…" she pauses, blinking softly. "Have you been with someone else since the last time I stayed here?"

His silence is all the answer she needs.

 _You're not my girlfriend, we are nothing._

Nothing.

And the funny thing is… he was right. He was right.

Touka feels her eyes water, and she sinks even deeper in the mess of sheets covering her shivering body. Her fingers wipe out a tear in silence, and the smell of tobacco in the air makes her realize he's still smoking.

"I haven't," she whispers, almost to herself.

She hadn't slept with Haise since she spent the night of Christmas here. She had managed to make up excuses to avoid any situation, even after deciding to move on when Kaneki started to ignore her. Kaneki breathes out a tired, long sigh.

His voice is so quiet when he speaks, like the wind outside.

"I don't think I'm good at this, you know," he laments, and there's a wicked amusement in his voice. "You and I… we've always wanted different things. You want to get married, and get a pretty house and have pretty children and pretty pets. I'm not like that, and you know that better than anyone."

Touka swallows, hurt by the reality of his words. She wants to speak, to say that it isn't like that, but he disrupts her before she can even make up her mind and say anything at all.

"I… destroy everything I touch. That's what my mother used to say," his last addition comes in a whisper, too soft and low to even hear it, but Touka can hear his voice even when he's silent. "That's not the kind of life I can afford to live."

"I don't want those things," she lies. "We don't have to do those thi—"

"Of course you do," he disrupts, and by the way he's talking, it sounds like he has his cigarette pressed between his lips. "And I want you to have them. I want you to have everything you've always wanted. I just… don't think I can give you that. I don't think I can make you happy, I'm a mess, I'm sure you know that by now."

He makes a pause, turning off the cigarette on a small ashtray on top of his nightstand.

"But I'm selfish, and I love you too much to let you think that I can live without you. I want you," he concludes, rubbing his eyes. "No matter how fucked up this is. We're not that good for each other, you know. But it is what it is."

Touka releases a sigh, eyelids falling shut for a brief moment. Kaneki looks down at her from where he's sitting, reaching out to brush her hair away with the pad of his fingers. She doesn't move, and after some premeditation Kaneki leans closer until he's lying behind her, wrapping her in his strong arms and trying to move her jaw to the side so he can see her face. She says nothing, but Kaneki continues to stare at her for some time, brushing his thumb over her parted lips. They remain silent for a while and Kaneki holds her hand, absently staring at their fingers and realizes she's not wearing her engagement ring. The room grows quiet and he holds her chin, trying to make her look at him.

"Hey," he says. "Look at me."

She does, only for a brief moment. And they don't need any more words, they never truly needed them to understand each other, to know that this situation wouldn't make things better, but to also know that they were way too stubborn to look outside of the box. Touka's fingers gently trace the skin of his hand, holding her chin.

"I'll…" her lips mumble, licking them before continuing. "I'll talk to Haise."

Kaneki's eyes study her for a moment, but he doesn't add anything else. Instead, he sighs, head falling back again on the pillow and hiding his face in her neck, surrounded by the sweet smell of her hair. He inhales, feeling her body shiver, and keeps her real close to him.

"Take a nap with me," he whispers softly. "I'm tired."

It's still early, there's no need for her to return home just yet.

Touka gazes at the window.

Her eyes fall shut.

 **—o—**

For almost two long months, things remain the same.

For almost two long months, Touka spends her days trying to regain the strength to finally have a talk with Haise, a talk that keeps being delayed and although Kaneki showed some insistence at first, he stopped after Touka told him, quite bitterly, that she needed time and that he should understand, considering the way he kept quiet about his feelings when Haise told him his own many years ago. At the mention of his past mistakes, things continued the way they were. She kept on meeting him in secret, but things weren't as great as they both thought they could be. There were good days, though, where both would laugh and look at each other the way they used to when they were younger, fearless of the future ahead, trusting that things would turn out in their favor. One of those many good days implied a fun trip to an amusement park they had visited many years ago. They agreed to take the bus for that, somehow a way to go unnoticed, and Touka felt like a child again when she spotted him waiting for her at the bus stop, and she approached closely to clasp her arms around him from behind, and close her eyes, feeling his hands take hers, feeling his lips kissing them softly.

She had taken pictures of him that day, while eating, capturing the moment he stained his white t-shirt with ketchup. They were casual pictures of Kaneki not really realizing he was being photographed and when he asked her why she was doing it, she simply said that she didn't have a single photo of him, and somehow that fact depressed her deeply. After saying that, he thought of it for a moment, adding a soft "I do have a picture of you," that made Touka raise her brows in curiosity. He pulled out his wallet, opening it and taking a small picture of Hide, Kaneki and her when they were in high school, smiling brightly at the camera. Touka smiled sadly at the memory, and made sure to take a photo of it too.

Those were good days, and Touka held them deeply in her heart for as long as they lasted.

But there were also bad days. Terrible days.

Days of fights, cruel words, days of jealousy and days of things they really didn't mean to say but they said them anyway. Days where every single action was fixed with sex, leaving them empty on his bed and full of unanswered conversations. Days where they thought this would end, and days where calling each other at 3:00 AM exposed how desperate they were for each other.

But the bad days became an almost every day thing, and their bodies were growing tired. Their hearts were growing heavier. Seeing each other became only a need, a need that they didn't even understand.

Today was a bad day, too.

She went to his apartment when the sun was giving his last farewell to the day, entering the flat with the keys he had given her. They had a fight a few days ago, all of it starting with Kaneki angrily screaming at her when was she even going to talk to Haise, desperately asking when was this even going to end, complaining about the fact that she had the keys of his apartment but didn't even live with him yet. They didn't even try to call each other since then, but Touka needed to see him, as she always did, and didn't care if he was mad at her. The moment she stepped into the living room she found him sitting on the couch, holding a frozen piece of meat inside a bag right against his face. He was covered in bruises, and spent the remaining minutes complaining about this asshole in the CCG with whom he had a fight over a case Kaneki was supposed to take charge of. He was pretty mad, and yet, Touka forced him to come with her to go out and eat something in hopes that it would cheer him up, but that never happened.

They took an empty bus to be just a bit away from the town, but they remained silent the whole trip, tension growing between them like a fragile balloon.

And it explodes the moment they find a small place of street food. The night is over them, and the place isn't very crowded, in fact, only a few chairs are available, and it didn't seem like the food was very good, but they take a seat anyway and ask for some noodles, eating in complete silence for almost an hour. Kaneki keeps his swollen red eyes focused on his bowl, chewing slowly and smoking a cigarette with a serious and pensive expression. No words are changed between them, and Touka wonders why did she even bother to bring him here. Things had slowly turned into this, deep silences with tons of thoughts, things they were keeping to themselves. There was… no communication, no nothing.

A group of guys is sitting in the table behind Kaneki, and Touka notices they are drunk. They laugh, and scream, and talk nonsense the entire time, and she stares. Without even touching her plate, without even taking a sip of her beer, she absently stares at them, tired and empty. The night is colder this time, and Touka wishes it was over already.

Kaneki looks back past his shoulder, just slightly and not entirely, and returns his sight to his bowl. He takes a long drag of his cig, expelling the fume from his nose. The guys behind him grow noisier, and the small people around them enjoy their humble meal in silence. Kaneki swallows, taking the cig back to his lips again.

"Why are you looking at them?" he suddenly asks in a low whisper, annoyance present in his voice and without even looking at her.

It takes her by surprise, she wasn't expecting a single word from him anytime soon. But he adverts Touka's eyes on him the moment he speaks. She makes a pause.

"I'm just looking at them," it's her answer, she's annoyed too. "It's not like I have anything better to do."

Kaneki huffs, going back to his bowl, and Touka takes her bag.

"Come on, let's get going," she says, getting up.

Kaneki turns around, making an attempt to stand, not before giving the guys one last stare, and one of them look back, drunkenly annoyed.

"What the fuck are you looking at?" one of them yells, and that seems to be enough for Kaneki.

It happens faster than she can realize. Kaneki is throwing his cigarette to the floor, walking to those dudes and smashing his fist in the face of one of them, and continues to do so until his fist is dumped in fresh blood. Touka only stares, without moving a finger, as her eyes burn with angry tears and a feeling of emptiness she never felt before. If things used to be like this when they were younger… how is that she doesn't feel as light anymore? Touka thought she never changed, that she used to be the same… but maybe… things weren't like that anymore. Maybe she was no longer a child.

Touka sighs, angrily grabbing her bottle of beer to give one last sip before throwing it to the floor, the crashing sound getting Kaneki's attention. He stops the fight, slightly turning around to look at her and stops completely when Touka starts walking towards him, lifting up her hand to smash it against his cheek as hard as she can. The sound reverberates through the street, and Kaneki gives one step back, grimacing at the pain.

"What is wrong with you?" she screams, starting to punch him in the chest, forcing him to step back. "Do you wanna fight? Is that it? Fight me then! Come on, hit me!"

Touka continues to push him until his body hits the floor and he stays there, against a wall, breathing heavily and bleeding from his nose. Touka looks down at him, wiping her tears. Why is he like this? Why?

"I'm so fucking tired of this," she says, turning around.

They take the next bus and choose different seats. She stays behind him, and the bus is completely empty at this hour. The drive is long and silent, and Kaneki spends the whole time with his head softly resting against the window, watching the city lights go on one by one. When they reach the stop, Touka is the first one to stand up. She abandons the bus and Kaneki follows her with lazy steps, and they don't even say goodbye to each other. Without looking into each other's eyes, both part ways. Touka returns home, and Kaneki goes back to his apartment.

It's really late, but Haise isn't home, he had a long shift tonight, he'd said. However, it becomes impossible for Touka to conciliate a good sleep. She's a mess of blankets in her bed, sleeping on Haise's side and killing time by staring at the moon through the window. And Touka suspects Kaneki can't sleep either, because he calls her. Her phone vibrates on her nightstand, and Touka's eyes linger in his name for long seconds before deciding to attend the call.

She doesn't say anything the moment the phone is on her ear, she can hear his breathing at the other line.

"I'm sorry," is all that he says. He sounds tired, just as she is.

Touka remains quiet, eyes fixed on the window.

"Sometimes…" he continues, and the tone of his voice is so sad. "Sometimes I don't know how we're still friends. How did we make it this far."

Her eyes fall shut.

And swallows, softly.

"Me neither, Kaneki."

Me neither.

 **—o—**

It happened three weeks later.

The day everything went to the deepest parts of hell.

Things seemed to be okay that day. Yoriko called her that morning, excited about the ultrasound she had yesterday and both agreed to meet up soon this week, she was excited to show her the pictures of the baby and all the details about her health, and Touka felt truly happy for her. She really did. Touka had a busy day in the shop, something she was grateful for, and the moment she was closing up Kaneki paid her a little visit, holding in his hands a small piece of cake he had bought in the nearest bakery. Things were okay for now, and Touka tried to live those days like farmers who rejoice in scarce days of rain, not truly knowing when the skies would bless them with the chance to grow their orchards. Touka closed the shop and both stayed inside for a while, sharing the cake and talking nonsense until she received a phone call.

"Hello?" she said after frowning at the unknown number written on the screen.

"Is this Kirishima Touka?"

She exchanged a rapid look with Kaneki.

"Uh… yes? Who is this?"

"Good afternoon, we are calling from the St. Luke's Hospital, is Sasaki Haise your husband?"

H-Hospital?

Haise?

Touka felt a cold shiver running down her spine.

"He is," she responded as quickly as possible, almost choking with her words. "W-What happened?"

"He was brought here by the CCG after a car accident, we — "

Touka didn't bother to answer. In a matter of seconds she was grabbing her keys and leaving her shop way to the hospital, Kaneki driving her there as fast as he could and his hands were shivering terribly the moment Touka told him what just had happened. How could… how could an accident just happened… Touka sobbed the entire trip way to the hospital, cursing at herself for not being there even if she didn't even know what exactly happened, but it didn't matter… she should have been there. Touka ran the moment Kaneki parked the car, she ran to the secretary so they could tell her where he was; in the emergency room, the woman said. So Touka kept on running, with all her strength, until she entered the immense room filled with different patients until she found Haise at the end, sitting on the bed with some bandages around his head and his left leg, parts of it crimson red from his blood.

He was talking to one of the doctors and turned his head over when he heard Touka's voice calling his name, followed by Kaneki.

Haise gasped, calm as he always was, trying to use his hands as a way of calming her down because he already saw the desperation in her eyes.

"B-Bunny, I'm o—"

In a matter of seconds, she had her arms around him, trembling and sobbing against his neck. She could hear Kaneki's voice talking to the doctor, but she wasn't hearing any words. She felt Haise's arms envelop her gently, caressing her back.

"I'm okay, really, it was noth—"

"What in the world happened, Haise?" she cried, pulling away for a second, touching the bandages in his head and then starting to freak out a little more at the sight of his leg. "Oh my God…"

The doctor turned their attention to them.

"He has some contusions in his head due to the impact, and fractured his left leg, as you can see. We are waiting for the order to proceed with the x-ray examination so we can transfer him to a private room and take care of it, for now we've just given him some sedatives for the pain, Kuki Urie was also hurt but he doesn't have major injuries."

Touka blinked, deeply confused.

"U-Urie?"

"He… was the one driving the car," Haise added in a whisper.

Touka's eyes fell down on his leg again. A… fracture?

"Is he gonna be okay?" she said, looking up at the doctor. "His leg will be okay?"

The doctor sighed, adjusting his glasses. The words Dr. Kanou were written at his chest over his white uniform.

"We don't know that for sure until we have his x-ray results, but because we're talking about a bone fracture, it will need time to heal. I'll leave you alone to check on Kuki, I'll come back in a few minutes."

The three of them nodded as the doctor left the room, Kaneki approaching with a pale expression.

"Haise," he said. "Was Urie driving with you?"

Haise nodded, grimacing.

"I don't know how we're gonna afford this?" he asked, eyes traveling from Touka to his brother. "This place is really expensive, I didn't ask them to bring me here but Arima said — "

Kaneki sighed, as if his brother was talking nonsense.

"I'll pay, don't worry about that," he took the wallet out of his coat, turning around. "Just wait here."

He left them alone, Touka's eyes getting lost in his silhouette vanishing from their sight. Haise looked at her.

"How is he…"

"I called him," Touka explained or, well, _lied_ , as her eyes focused on him again. There were still tears in them. "Sorry, I was desperate, I didn't know who else to ca—"

"It's okay."

"Haise," Touka sniffs, unable to hold back. "What happened?"

Haise sighs, feeling guilty.

"It was nothing, really. Urie and I had to head to this house to interview the owner because a girl was murdered there and we needed to gather some information, a truck came out of nowhere and it just… happened. But I'm okay, I swear, and look."

Haise turned around, just slightly and trying not to grimace at the pain on his leg. He grabbed a lollipop from the white nightstand beside him. He showed it to her, a pink, shiny lollipop covered in plastic.

"A nurse gave me this," he said, smiling, his tiny dimple popping out at his right cheek. "It's pretty cool, right? I'm not sure if they do that to all the patients but I guess they must? Considering this place is pretty expensive. Although, to be honest, I was expecting something fancier like, uh… a glass of champagne or something like that, but I like it. It must be an expensive lollipop."

It hurt her to breathe. Touka looked at him, frowning and dampening her eyes in tears. She sobbed, erasing his stupid smile from his face and softly leaned against him, hugging him deeply. He was so pure, so innocent…

"T-Tou—"

"I'm sorry, Haise," she wept on his neck. "I'm so sorry, I should have been here with you."

"W-What? No, of course not, I'm so glad you weren't there, this wasn't your fault."

Touka keeps crying, ignoring his stupid attempts of comfort. Haise got hurt while Touka was with Kaneki. She didn't know, she didn't even know this was happening until the hospital called her. She could have prevented it, she could have done something to stop it. Voice of reason didn't matter now, all that she felt at that moment was a huge weight of guilt.

 **—o—**

Dr. Kanou transferred Haise to a private—and fancy, according to Haise—room where they could keep on treating him. The results of his x-ray indicated a major fracture that would need quite some time to heal, but things got more serious when Kanou dragged Touka outside the room to explain her the process with a little more detail, away from Haise's curious ears.

"We don't know this for sure, but due to the gravity of the impact, his leg might need the help of a walking stick once we take off his plaster cast."

Touka wanted to cry, right there.

"Will he… be able to walk normally?"

Kanou nodded.

"Yes, even if he might need his stick he will be able to walk, but we don't know how long it will take for him to get used to it. For now, all we have to do is wait. He will need constant help from now on."

The rest of his brothers arrived after a quick call, including Ken, worried about his big brother's condition. Urie Kuki was alright too, joining them in the room, and Touka took that moment of interruption to quietly ask Urie if he had seen Kaneki.

"He went to the rooftop to smoke."

Touka left the room for a minute, telling Haise she was going out to buy some food and it wasn't a lie, but she needed to see Kaneki first. She needed… they had to… she wiped her tears in the long route she walked towards the rooftop, cold, empty and hollow, with a dark silhouette standing in front of the railing. The smoke lifted up in the air like traces of a dead phantom, creating a dense mass of white above him, like a cloud. Everything was grey high above, another storm proclaiming its arrival, and the wind hit Touka's face the moment her feet started to walk towards him, adjusting her coat all around her and feeling her hair hitting her face, getting inside her mouth.

She pushed it behind her ear, stopping beside Kaneki, and he clearly knew she was there, but he didn't look at her.

Silence was conquering their minds, silencing their words.

"Every time I wonder…" she started, voice cracking, and made a pause to look away, features contorting in sorrow. Cold tears slid down her face, and she wiped them away with the sleeve of her coat. She takes a moment to breathe. "How differently things could have been between us if…"

Kaneki didn't say anything. He kept on smoking, and Touka never dared to look at him. Her eyes were fixed on the sky, grey as the day he left her. Things could be so different now, she thought, if he had made the right choices back then. Touka felt like the world was shitting on her, on her dreams, on her love, on the decisions she had made, the decision to tell Haise the truth and finally get Kaneki, all of him, not just stolen hours during busy weeks but… all of him. And even still, even if things could turn out in their favor… something told her that she would never get to hold the entirety of who he was. Kaneki was like rain, like the smoke of his favorites cigarettes. Impossible to catch, impossible to hold, to keep.

"I love you so much," she cried, looking down. Her heart was burning, and for a moment she was unable to feel anything else. She just felt him, right by her side. She felt Kaneki, and the idea of not feeling him again killed every light of hope inside of her. "But… it never seems to be enough. Everything I do… everything I feel… I just wanted — "

"We both knew, Touka," he started, throwing his cigarette in the void in front of him. She watched it disappear in the distance, and he continued, "that this wouldn't work."

Touka frowned, looking up at him for the first time. He was serious, and there was nothing in his eyes. Touka blinked, releasing more tears.

"What… what are you — "

"We can't do this," he released a sigh, licked his lips, his brows arched just slightly. "Haise could have died, you realize that?"

Touka wanted to laugh, ironically, at his commentary. But all she did was to sniff over and over again.

"Don't tell me you care," she complained, and the situation turns so bitter. " _Now_ you care, right."

Kaneki continued to stare at the city. He nodded, frowning softly. There was a wicked smile at the corner of his lips, too insignificant to even know it was there. But she knew every single one of his expressions, and what they meant.

"He's my big brother," he said, releasing a sigh. "Of course I care."

Her eyes fell shut, taking a big breath.

"Kaneki…"

"I'll get going now," he turned around, just giving a few steps.

She shook her head, trying to reach for his arm.

"N-No, wait — "

His hand flew to her cheek, brushing one of her tears away. Despite the coldness engulfing their bodies right now, his hands were warm.

"It's okay," he pushed her hair to the side. "I'll call you tomorrow. Tell Haise I'll pay the internment."

Kaneki left through the door, hearing him walking down the stairs, and after a moment she allowed herself to dry her tears and get her shit together, she crossed that door too, finding Kuroneki at the end of the stairs, leaning onto the wall of the aisle. Touka stopped midway, their eyes crossed briefly, but there was only kindness in them. Kuroneki smiled softly, hands shyly hidden in his pockets.

"Hey."

Touka gave one step, getting closer. However, she didn't smile back.

"Hey."

Kuroneki made a pause, evaluating her expression.

"Do you have time? I… wanna talk to you about something. There's a small cafe around the corner, can we go there?"

Touka didn't even feel excitement, or anxiety, or curiosity for his strange request. She felt nothing, part of her already predicting what was going to happen next. She simply nodded, and Kuroneki led the way until they abandoned the hospital and kept on walking, Touka following a few steps behind. They arrived at the coffee shop, way smaller and emptier than her own, but it was cozy, and many of the old Christmas decorations were still hanging on the walls, as it frozen in time. They sat on the first table, right against the window, and waited for the waitress to serve them two simple cups of black coffee, but they didn't even drink them.

They remained silent for some time, Touka with her eyes glued on her hands, and Kuroneki drifting his gaze from the cup of coffee to her face over, and over again. Finally, he took the courage.

"I know about you and Kaneki," he whispered, almost too ashamed to say it.

Touka kept her eyes on her cold hands, nodding softly. Her sorrow was silent, and Kuroneki's voice provoked an echo in her that wasn't easy to erase. She felt a solid pain spread throughout her body. She didn't know what to say, but Kuroneki was smart enough to break the silence. He looked worried, anxiety being present in his body language.

"You…" he licked his lips, unsure. "You're not gonna ask me how I know?"

Touka sighed, closing her eyes with tiredness. She shook her head, this time, looking at him.

"You're a smart boy, and it was… really stupid of me to think that no one would find out eventually. It's okay," she finished, going back to stare at her hands. She played with her nails, scratching the palm of her hands and leaving marks.

Kuroneki opened his mouth to speak, hesitating.

"I-I'm not… here to judge you, if that's what you think," he explained, gaining a look from Touka. He looked quite sad, staring at her as if she was a poor, little thing. "I understand, I really do. I know your story with him, and… I get it. But… I thought you needed to know what I think."

Touka wasn't really looking at him. She kept her eyes, her hands, every part of her body occupied with something else because her eyes were about to explode. Something pulled out in her chest, and the poor way Kuroneki looked down with both hands on the table forced her to stare at him. He looked like a child.

"Please, Touka-chan," he begged, like a kid. "Please… don't leave Haise, please."

A tear escaped her eye, lips trembling with his words.

Kuroneki continued.

"W-Whatever Kaneki might feel for you… it's nothing, _nothing_ compared to what Haise feels. I know that your feelings for Kaneki are — "

"I love him," she interrupted, wiping her nose with her hand and looking away at the window. Kuroneki looked at her, a wave of pain hit his expression. Touka cried, unashamed of being seen by him. Of all Haise's brothers… Kuroneki was the one she trusted the most. "It's not right… and sometimes I don't even know if it's true love, all I know is that I need him. We're not good for each other, you know? I don't think anyone has ever hurt me as much as him, he breaks me in a million pieces but he's the only one who can mend me. He's a part of me I can't let go, no matter what I do."

Kuroneki frowned, hurting deeply.

"T-Touka-chan… that's not… that's not what love is supposed to be," he said, and the true reality of his words made her cry even harder. "Sometimes I can't even think of Haise as a brother, you know? I never really knew my father, Shiro and I are the youngest and we were babies when our father left. I'm sure Kaneki and Haise have some memories of him, but I don't. All I have… is Haise. He raised me, he taught me everything, he took me to school and prepared my lunch and protected me when other kids were bothering me. Haise is everything to us, even to Kaneki. If you continue with this, Haise won't be the same again, Touka. He won't. And I need him, we all need him now more than never, including Kaneki. I know you think he's selfish, but he's not. He won't forgive himself if he breaks Haise's heart."

He made another pause, this time gazing down.

"Kaneki already knows how to live without you, he can do it again, I know he can. But Haise… he doesn't know anything else. I know I can't change your mind, and the decision is up to you but I'm begging you to think about it. Whatever thing you and Kaneki had in the past… it's in the past, Touka. I think… it should stay that way," he took his wallet, putting some cash on the table. Then, he grabbed his jacket, ready to leave. "I'm heading back to the hospital."

Touka stood in the coffee shop for long minutes after Kuroneki left. Her eyes getting lost in the distance, Kuroneki's voice on repeat inside her head. Tears pool in her eyes, and her entire being feels small.

So small.

 **—o—**

The bridge never was her favorite place to visit.

After Kaneki left, Touka forced herself to never go through that bridge again. To take a different route, even if that meant getting lost in the city and take paths she did not know. Even Haise never understood why would she rather take the longest path instead of making things easier by taking the bridge, that connected every route in Tokyo. She never had the courage to tell him, though, that the reason for her to so desperately want to avoid the bridge was that his brother had left her there. For that reason, the bridge became a forbidden place she did not want to think of. But she had broken her vow the night of Christmas, when Kaneki told her to meet him there. And now, she was breaking her vow once again.

The wind shatters her skin even when her scarf covers pretty much the totality of her face. The bridge is empty as always, and the presence of Kaneki by her side makes her feel like she's the only person in there. She doesn't know why she's here, but it's the first time she gets to see him after long weeks at the hospital, and the fact that he told her to meet him there filled her with a huge weight of insecurity and anxiety. They say nothing for a while, and for some reason she's expecting him to ask her about his brother, but he never does. Haise got out of the hospital weeks ago, and he was doing fine, and part of her wants to talk about it simply because she doesn't know what else to say.

Touka's lips part to speak, and that's when he says it, voice soft and raw.

"I'm leaving."

Touka's eyes fall shut, and she would like to pretend that she's surprised, that his words are a shock, but the truth is that they aren't. Touka's eyes fall shut, wishing to freeze time just a little longer, _just_ a little longer. She doesn't ask for details, she knows he won't give her any. She knows exactly what he's doing, and she also knows she has no place in his future decisions, or his future at all. There's no room for her anymore, and she should probably listen to Kuroneki and do as he said, to make the room of her heart smaller and smaller until Kaneki couldn't get in, but the fact that all of this is happening in this bridge again… it makes her angry. So angry.

Kaneki continues, not expecting her to speak.

"I should have left this city a long time ago," he says, voice getting lost with the sound of the wind. "I already asked the CCG for a transfer and they agreed. There's nothing here for me."

Touka opens her eyes, she's staring at nothing in particular,

"Not even me?"

She didn't mean to say that, she wasn't going to say anything at all, but her words make him look at her. However, Touka keeps her eyes in the city. There's a pause.

He breaks it.

"I'm not coming back, Touka."

 _I'm not coming back._

She laughs miserably, nodding a few times.

Unbelievable.

"Is that all you wanted to say?" she asks, and hears him sigh.

"Touka-chan…"

Touka turns around, starts walking away, hears his voice call out her name one more time, but she doesn't obey.

She keeps walking, and walking, and walking, and she doesn't even know where she's going, she doesn't care, either.

She just keeps walking.

—o—

Haise almost drops his cup of coffee the moment the doorbell rings with a sound that reverberates through every wall and makes him gasp in surprise. He wasn't expecting any visitors, and Touka had gone hours ago, it couldn't be her because she had her keys. Haise holds firmly onto his crutches and walks towards the door, screaming a soft "I'm coming!" and he's about to shout it again when he opens the door and pauses at the sight of his brother, Kaneki, leaning against the frame and waiting for the door to open.

Haise's brows rise in surprise because, to be honest, this must be the very first-time Kaneki visits him without a previous warning. The few times they saw each other were in the CCG and back at their mother's house, but never here. Haise can't help but feel excited about it.

"O-Oh, Kaneki," he still can't believe it. "What… what are you — "

"Are you alone?" Kaneki asks.

Haise blinks, nodding dumbly before looking past his shoulder at the empty living room.

"Y-Yeah, Touka isn't home, it's just me."

Kaneki nods, thinking about it for a second.

"Good. I wanna talk to you about something."

Haise moves to the side to let him in, Kaneki's eyes can't ignore the crutches underneath his armpits, helping Haise get a better balance. He closes the door behind him and they sit down on the couch, face to face. The entire time, Kaneki is looking at his leg. Haise adverts his eyes, and smiles softly, giving his knee a slight pat. His fingers make a loud sound against the plaster cast.

"Oh, don't worry about it, it doesn't hurt at all," he explains. There's a pink heart drawn on top. "Saiko already started drawing things on it, it looks cute."

Kaneki's lips curve into a small smirk.

"It doesn't surprise me."

Haise smiles, nodding.

"Yeah," he makes a pause, hesitating. "Is… everything okay? Did something happen?"

Kaneki looks down at his hands, elbows resting on his knees. He takes a moment to speak, to gain some air and breathe out the words he came here to say. Kaneki nods.

"I'm… leaving, Haise," he says, finally meeting his eyes. "I'm leaving Tokyo. For good."

Haise's nervous smile slowly fades away. He blinks, looking at his brother with something Kaneki can't quite understand. He swallows, his own saliva getting stuck in his throat.

"Can I know why?" Haise wonders, unsure if Kaneki is going to tell him.

Kaneki shrugs. He looks tired.

"I'm not happy here. I never was."

"Is it because of what happened with Mom?"

Kaneki shrugs again.

"It's everything, really. I just… don't feel like I belong here. But I wanted to tell you, I'll keep on helping Kuroneki with the money for the house, he doesn't have to put the house on his name if he doesn't want to, I can take care of it just fine."

Haise hesitates, feeling worried out of a sudden.

"B-But…" he starts, confused. "Where will you go?"

Silence.

They are still, and Kaneki can hear his own breathing filling the silence of his words. Haise realizes that he won't answer that question, and anxiety hits him. He's… he's his brother, his baby brother, and he's leaving to a place Haise doesn't know, how will he protect him? If Kaneki is in trouble, like he was many times before in the past… how will he be able to help him?

"But… you'll come back, right?" Haise asks again, and Kaneki can sense the desperation in his voice. "To visit, I mean. For… Christmas, and birthdays, and all of that."

Kaneki's expression grows distant. He shakes his head, and there's something like guilt in his eyes.

"I don't know, Haise."

I don't know.

Haise's expression is something Kaneki is trying to avoid. He looks confused, and hurt, and desperately trying to be understanding of his brother's wishes, but the fact that Haise was such a family person made it hard for him to let his brother go. Haise sighs, relaxing his body against the couch, he looks down, then back at Kaneki. He isn't looking.

"Have you told Touka about it?"

Kaneki freezes, he stops breathing for a second, hands rigid on his lap. For a moment, Kaneki feels small by the presence of his older brother. His eyes travel upwards, meeting Haise's gaze. He's full of kindness, a kindness Kaneki doesn't deserve.

"Why would I tell her?" Kaneki asks, almost like a protest.

He's testing the waters because he's aware of how much Haise knows him.

His brother remains calm all time, his fragile presence becoming stronger with a wisdom that Kaneki will never have. Everything Haise owns will never belong to him.

"She cares about you," Haise whispers gently, almost painfully. After a pause, he adds, "we all care about you."

Kaneki's vision blurs, something in his throat tightens and he can't hold Haise's gaze anymore. He looks down and opens his heart like he never did before. His fingers play with each other, and the mention of Touka's name lingers in his head for a long time before taking the courage to speak. Things would have been a lot easier if Haise hadn't mentioned her.

"I've always envied you, Haise," Kaneki says, feeling Haise's eyes upon him the whole time. "You were Mom's favorite son, everyone's favorite friend, every teacher's favorite student. You were always… ridiculously good in everything you did. I used to look up to you until I realized that you were taking everything away from me. All the things I always wanted… you always managed to get them first, somehow. The only pe — "

He stops.

 _The only person I've ever loved…_ he thinks, but seals his mouth

The pain in Haise's eyes is huge. He's aching, frowning and hurt that his brother has this vision of him.

"Kaneki, I'm not perfect," Haise says, desperate. "I'm not — "

Kaneki closes his eyes, slightly irritated.

"Just… let me finish," he interrupts, making Haise swallow his words. Kaneki continues. "It's funny that I always envied you for being everyone's favorite when you were my favorite brother. I know… I've been an asshole to you, and I'm not trying to excuse myself for that. The day of the incident back in high school, when Furuta did that to Touka… you were the only one who believed in me. You got two jobs to help me pay the debt I had with Furuta's dad and I didn't even move a finger to help you, but you did all of that by yourself. You… defended me from Mom so many times, I was an old brat when you were still making lunch for me every day, when I was old enough to make them myself but you never complained. I remember that one time when Touka and I got salmonella and we weren't allowed to go outside and see each other, I was having the highest fever of my life and Mom was too drunk to care but you… we were so little, and you took care of me that whole night, stayed up till morning trying to lower my fever and that was the first night you read Peter Pan to me."

Kaneki can't even hear the sound of his voice, and he hopes he isn't crying. Haise remains silent, his eyes are bright red already, listening carefully.

Kaneki sighs, rubbing his forehead.

"All I'm trying to say is… what I mean is…" he pauses, desperately trying to control the tone of his voice. "I'm sorry. I did horrible things to you, you gave everything for us and maybe that's why life gave you so many good things, because you deserve them, Haise, you really do. You've been there for me always and a whole lifetime won't be enough to thank you. I'm sorry about what happened at the funeral, I didn't mean the things I said. I don't blame you for what happened, I don't blame you for anything at all. My life… I'm almost sane because of you. Of all the shit we had to go through… you made my childhood better. I'm sorry, Haise."

Haise merely nods, keeping his red eyes on his own knees. The silence tightens the atmosphere around them, and Kaneki feels a huge weight lifting up from his back, his chest somehow feeling a little lighter. Haise blurts out a sigh after being awfully quiet for long minutes.

"It's the first time you apologize and… I hate it," he chuckles a bit, sadly, there's a tone of emptiness with it. "You don't have to apologize. We are family, Kaneki, we don't have to do that. We don't have to say anything, I know we both know."

Kaneki nods, brushing his hair.

"Well," he says, getting up from the couch. "That's all I came to say."

Haise stands too, escorting him to the door. Both stay there for a few seconds, face to face. Haise hesitates, sadness overtaking his feelings.

"When are you leaving?"

"Tomorrow," Kaneki says.

Haise nods, and without any previous warning he envelops his arms around his brother, giving him a hug. Kaneki returns the gesture just as fervently, thinking that this is probably the first time in years that they share a hug. Kaneki closes his eyes, already burning with things he doesn't want to expose.

"Goodbye, brother," he says in a broken whisper.

Haise holds his tears, nodding.

"Promise that you will call me," he begs. "You don't have to tell me where you are, just… call me once in a while, I need to know you're doing alright or I won't be able to live peacefully. And take your time, when you are ready to return… you know I'll be here. As always."

Always.

—o—

Kaneki's car overflows with the smell of him, and Touka fears increase with the idea that this might be the last time she'll smell his essence, the texture of his hair, the fancy colony always used. The car is silent, and the train station is right in front of them, waiting for the hour to come so that Kaneki can grab his ticket and leave for good, _for good_ , but they take their time. This time, they take their time to say goodbye, and for a moment Touka wishes things could be like they were in the bridge: fast, raw, no further preparations or a depressive ceremony to follow. This hurts the most, but this is all they have, all she can have for now.

They spend the time talking, something she wasn't expecting at first. They talk, and laugh for a while, and remember old times pretending they're not that old themselves. Kaneki mentions the time they got salmonella, Touka remembers the first day she got drunk because of him.

"And my Mom wouldn't let me go out," she laughs, rosy-cheeked and _just_ a little bit drunk from a beer they got minutes ago. "I was so mad, so I called you and started crying, and after that you told me to meet you up in that hill, remember? The one near Hide's house?"

Kaneki nods, chuckling with a smile.

"Yeah."

"So you were there, waiting for me with a bag full of beer cans. That was the first time I got drunk."

"You vomited on my shoe," he complains. "If I remember correctly."

Touka laughs, and for some reason, tears start to pour out from her eyes.

"That was your fault, I was underage."

He laughs too, but his smile slowly disappears when he sees Touka's cheeks damped in cold tears. She keeps smiling, looking at him, and nods a few times, sniffing and poorly wiping out her cheeks with his scarf around her neck.

"I should have insisted, you know," she says, and Kaneki isn't laughing or smiling anymore. He's paying attention to her words, serious, and his eyes blur with shy tears too. There's nothing amusing about remembering the past. Not anymore. "When you said you wanted to leave and I said I wanted to come with you, I should have insisted more, even after the bridge. 'Cause I really wanted to, you know? Leave this town with you. I keep thinking about it all the time, how amazing it would have been. And now you're leaving for good and without me. Again."

His eyebrows meet in the middle, and a gentle nod breaks the way for a tear to fall from his eye, and that's when Touka looks down and starts crying.

"I know," he murmurs, chocking with his own words.

Touka continues to sob, and Kaneki looks away, closing his eyes as he rests his head on the backrest and the warmth of his tears caress his cheeks.

"I will never forgive you for this, do you know that?" Touka stutters, keeping her eyes shut. Her chest burns so much. "You haven't grown at all, you're still a fucking child, you haven't changed at all. We haven't changed at all, we keep doing the same shit over and over. Because you don't have to leave, if you don't want to see me again… that's okay, but we could still be friends. I know we could, but you're still leaving. I thought this time would be different, I thought… we could make things right for once, but it didn't work. "

Kaneki wipes his tears, sniffing and taking a deep breath, looking at the roof of the car.

"My deepest sorrow is that I don't have the right to feel sorrow," he says. "I've hurt you… how many times? I can't demand anything from you. I can't tell you to leave Haise in the way he is now just to be with me. I don't have the right to."

She stares at her feet, frozen and eyes empty. Touka swallows, feeling bitter and sick and angry and extremely devastated. She sniffs once again.

"Did you even love me?"

Kaneki blurts out a shaky sigh, breath dense and heavy, and he doesn't even mean to keep on crying, but the tears keep falling down after her question, and he looks at her.

He looks at her.

"Did you?" he asks after a brief silence.

Did she?

 _I'm sorry,_ her heart whispers in secret. _I'm sorry I couldn't make this work, I'm sorry for you, I'm sorry for myself, I'm sorry for both of us. We looked so convinced, but we were so naive. So naive. I'm so sorry._

Touka takes a small breath.

"I've always loved you."

Kaneki can't contain the impulse. He sighs, ready to break, and leans towards her to pull her for an embrace. She holds on to his coat, damping his chest with her tears and she can feel his lips on her hair, his hands smoothing it back. She holds on to him so firmly, so desperately, and it might be the last time, she remembers, the last time. She's known him since he was a child, and she had spent all of her life saying goodbye to him. She's not ready to do it again, she's not ready.

"We're gonna be okay, Touka-chan," he tries not to sob, and fails miserably. "We're gonna be okay."

We're gonna be okay.

The final hour arrives, and it's time for both to abandon the car. Once the tears have dried and their breaths have found their regular state, Touka and Kaneki abandon the car in silence, Kaneki carrying his suitcase and Touka his black scarf, firmly wrapped around her neck… the only thing she'll have of him apart from some stupid, insignificant photos that can't compare how beautiful he looks in person, how charming and tender his eyes look when he stares at her like an open book. The train station is crowded with people, and they stop in the middle of it all. The train is already there and the people are starting to get inside, but Touka and Kaneki stupidly stretch the last minutes they have left just a little bit more.

Both stand in front of each other. Kaneki holding his suitcase, Touka carrying his scarf. She had tried to give it back to him back in the car, but he'd say no. _Take it, he said. It's yours._

Yours.

Touka is serious, heart beating so fast she fears she might have a heart attack. Her hands tremble.

"You won't tell me where you're going, right?"

Kaneki gives a soft smile, not wanting to make their last goodbye something so depressive.

"I won't risk my epic escape so that you can find me and ruin it," he jokes. "Not fun."

Touka huffs, smirking bitterly, wiping a tear from her cheek.

"Fuck you."

He smiles.

Touka sighs, opening her eyes for a moment. She looks at him. His eyelashes, the dimple on his cheek, the softness of his lips, the way he tasted in her mouth, the touch of his hands, the smell of his hair, the sound of his voice. The moment he stopped calling her Kirishima-san… she wishes he would do it again. It would be so much easier that way.

"Will I see you again?" she asks, and she's so scared to know the answer.

Kaneki shrugs, swallowing back his tears.

"Who knows. Destiny seems to have something against us, every time we get together it drifts us apart. But, Touka-chan," he says, and her heart beats with every pronunciation of her name. "If for some reason you ever see me again somewhere, in the distance… don't come closer. Just keep on walking, pretend I wasn't there."

Touka huffs again, and the ferocity in her eyes is something he can't fight against.

"If I ever see you again somewhere," she starts her promise with solemnity in her heart. It's written there, indelible, tattooed forever. "I'll come to you and say hi, and think it was meant to be. I still think it is, I still think that what we have… what we always had… we can't even understand it ourselves. But that doesn't mean it's wrong. It doesn't have to be, when I love you this much."

Every word she's saying is giving him more, and more, and more reasons to stay, but when the sound of the train announcing its last minutes for the passengers to aboard it, and feels the sharp ticket in his hand… he doesn't find the courage. Kaneki sighs, turning back to briefly look at the train, and then at her. He comes a little closer, and Touka starts to feel sick again.

This is it.

This is _it._

This is —

"I better go now."

Touka starts crying again.

"K-Kaneki — "

He leans towards her, hand holding the back of her neck as his lips seal a kiss on her forehead. Her hands rest on his chest, fisting his coat in a poor attempt to make him stay. His nose buries into her hair, a smell he will carry within him forever.

"Take care, okay."

He starts to drift apart, and it feels like tearing a tree from the ground, hurting each one of its roots, leaving it out of oxygen. Killing it.

"Kaneki, no, w-wait — "

But she loses the grip, and Kaneki turns around and starts walking and her eyes fall shut because she can't, she can't, she can't see him go. Tears pour out of her eyes when his steps get lost in the steps of everyone else and she can no longer hear him, or smell him or feel him near her. The train leaves with Kaneki inside of it, and it's not until the train is gone that Touka finally decides to open her eyes, and there's nothing left anymore. The train is gone, and she's alone again.

Alone.

Touka returns home several hours later, spending most of them in Nishiki's house crying her heart out against his chest, his arms softly patting her shoulder and offering the kind of comfort he's not used to giving. Her tears are dry now, but she knows more will arrive at night, and probably for the next few weeks, and months, and years. The TV is on when she enters the room and rests her back against the door for a few seconds. She can hear Haise's giggles at something the TV is saying, probably one of those weird reality shows he liked so much, and the smell of coffee intensifies when she walks to the living room and finds him there, sitting on the couch with his scribbled broken leg resting on top of the coffee table to keep it straight. His eyes notice her presence and he smiles at her, so tenderly, so beautifully, so perfectly.

It warms her heart.

"Oh, bunny, you're home."

Touka doesn't say anything. She walks towards him, takes a seat by her side and rests her cheek on his chest, wrapping her arms around his waist and feeling his arms do the same.

"Kuroneki just left," he announces, brushing her hair and turning off the volume of the TV just a bit. "He told me Shironeki got a job in the library Hinami works at, says Ayato is pretty mad."

Touka smiles a little, huffing.

"Of course he is."

"Are you okay, bunny?" he asks, brushing the back of her ears with the pad of his fingers.

Touka sighs, and closes her eyes.

"I don't know," she says. "I think I'm just sad today."

He hums, nodding.

"Me too," he makes a pause. "Is it because of Kaneki? He left today."

Touka holds on deeply onto him, feeling her eyes burn again.

"I know," she mutters.

Haise sighs.

"He'll come back," he affirms, with a hope that can only belong to Haise. "We had a nice talk yesterday, it made me happy. Even if it takes him time… I know he won't be gone for too long. I know him. He'll return someday."

"You think so?"

"Yeah."

Touka presses her cheek on his chest. She feels his heartbeat, the whispers of his heart. And his smell is too familiar too, because Touka never stood by his side out of spite, out of loneliness. She chose him, and she has to learn to choose him again.

"Haise," she murmurs, and knows she has his attention. Touka licks her lips, staring at the window by their side. It's cold outside, and it's probably going to rain tonight. Yeah, it will. "Will you ever forgive me?"

Haise frowns, not following.

"Forgive you?" he asks, confused. He brushes her arm, squeezing it slightly. "What for?"

Touka shrugs with laziness. She's so tired.

"I don't know," she whispers. A lie. Almost to herself. "For everything. If I ever did something to hurt you, if I made you suffer. Forgive me."

Haise chuckles a bit, quite awkwardly.

"You could never hurt me," he says, brushing her hair. "There's nothing to forgive you for, bunny."

Touka's eyes fall shut, but the weight of her sins isn't any lighter on her back. He doesn't know, he'll probably never know, and maybe it's better this way.

Yes. Maybe.

"You know what, I've been thinking about something," she says.

"Hmm? What's that?"

Touka takes a breath. A breath of new, fresh air.

"I think I want to start college again. Take it from where I left it."

"W-Wha — wait, really? Are you serious?"

Touka nods.

"Yeah, I think… it will be good for me," her voice breaks. "Besides… I'm gonna need some distractions for a while."

"You have my full support," he declares, tightening his grip around her. "I'll help you with your homework like we used to do back then, and go to pick you up with my bento boxes. It will be fun."

She can hear the smile on his voice and it makes her smile too, just slightly, just tiredly. She closes her eyes again.

"We'll be okay, bunny. You'll see."

We'll be okay.

We'll be okay.

—o—

Five Years Later.  
—Osaka. December.

Touka holds her phone firmly against her frozen ear, the gentle music of the coffee shop making it quite difficult for her to hear Haise at the other line. She tries to read through shelves, the packages of brew coffee piled up in order by color and brand. Touka blurts out a sigh.

"Haise, are you _sure_ this is the shop you told me? I can't fucking find the brand you are say— "

 _"I swear!"_ he complains. _"Kuro said the package is purple."_

Touka grimaces, searching everywhere and finding nothing.

"Haise, Christmas is tomorrow, if I can't find this brand then what do you want?"

 _"Another banana onesie!"_ she hears Shironeki scream in the background.

Touka rolls her eyes. She's definitely not getting him _another_ banana onesie this year. She sighs, wanting to laugh and cry at the same time.

"I told you we shouldn't have come to Osaka," Touka complains, almost giving up. "You'll never find what you want in here, it's the third coffee shop I go to and — oh, shit, wait, I think I found it."

 _"You did? Really?"_

 _"She did? Holy shit!"_ Shironeki screams.

Touka holds the purple package in her hands, relieved.

"Finally."

Haise laughs.

 _"Oh, God, I'm so sorry for putting you through this, bunny. You're the best, really."_

Touka smiles, walking toward the counter to buy it.

"I know I am, you owe me a big one."

 _"I'll get you the biggest cake for Christmas, I swear."_

"You better," she handles the waiter the money. "Okay, I'm buying this and going back to the hotel. I have the Uber waiting for me outside."

 _"Got it, I'll meet you there."_

He ends the call and Touka hides her phone back inside her purse. The waiter puts the package inside a Christmas box and Touka thanks her. She turns around, ready to leave.

That's when she sees him.

She sees him.

The coffee shop is huge, and crowded with people, yet he stands out amongst all of them in a way she never thought possible. Kaneki is sitting on a table near a window, many steps away from her, drinking a cup of coffee and with an open book on the table. It takes her more than fifteen seconds to realize he's not wearing black, and that his hair looks slightly shorter than how she remembered it. She stares at him longer than she should, and a wave of need hits her entire being, a wave of adrenaline, a wave of bad thoughts and terrible decisions, a wave of everything she used to feel whenever he was around.

Five years later.

Five.

He doesn't see her, and Touka wonders if she should come closer and say hi like she said she would, she almost wants to, her heart begs for it… and it's then when she notices the girl sitting in front of him. She can only see her back, but both seem to be holding an interesting conversation because Kaneki's eyes never drift to look around, and that's a wise thing to do. The wisest thing he can do. The sound of their last conversation, five years ago, hits her like the train he took to walk away from her.

 _Destiny seems to have something against us, every time we get together it drifts us apart. If for some reason you ever see me again somewhere, in the distance… don't come closer. Just keep on walking, pretend I wasn't there._

Pretend I wasn't there.

Just pretend.

Keep on waking.

B-But —

 _Haise is waiting for you,_ she remembers herself. _He's waiting. He's waiting._

With tears in her eyes and a broken promise shattering her chest, Touka grabs her bag and walks out of the coffee shop as fast as she can, hurrying her steps to come closer to the Uber waiting for her at the entrance. The place is crowded in nature and the trees hold the snow like the starts hold the moon, and it's not until she's walking to the car that Kaneki sees her.

Touka doesn't realize. She doesn't know, she'll never know that Kaneki saw her too, just when she was closing the door of the coffee shop. Her black short hair, his black scarf around her neck, he almost chokes with his coffee. Kaneki murmured a hurried "I'll be right back" to the woman sitting in front of him and got up from his seat to follow her like a madman, desperation leading the steps of his legs, the beats of his heart, the look in his eyes, to try to reach her like he told her he never would, because Touka was doing exactly what he wanted her to do, and yet…

By the moment Kaneki reaches the outside, the car in where Touka got into was gone, the silhouette getting lost in the distance. His breathing becomes erratic, watching her go again. _Again._ His car is there, he looks at it, and almost wants to grab the keys from his jacket and follow her, follow her, follow her, because perhaps Touka was always right. Perhaps this was meant to be.

Perhaps he still can —

"Kaneki," the voice of the girl behind him makes him turn around in confusion. She's peering through the door, confused. "Are you okay?"

Are you okay?

Are you?

He looks at her, and then back at the empty spot Touka's car left behind. Is this what she felt the day he left in that train? He's hopeless, and empty, and hollow, and stuck. Stuck to her.

Stuck.

 **—o—**

The car drives fast and with a certain destination through the highway filled with snow and trees. Touka can't breathe; there, sitting at the back, she can't breathe. She tries to, though, really hard, but fails miserably. Touka looks at the window, and for some reason her eyes overflow with tears, and a pathetic sob escapes her mouth in a heartbeat.

Then, her phone rings.

With trembling hands she plucks it out of her purse, Haise's name written on the screen. She takes a deep breath, trying to calm down the shakiness of her voice.

"H-Hey," she says, picking up the call.

"Bunny, you're not gonna believe this," he announces, excited. "Kuroneki found a bunny!"

Touka smiles softly, but her mind is stuck in the coffee shop she's left seconds ago.

"A bunny?"

 _"Yeah! Like, a real one. His leg is a bit injured, we're gonna take him to a vet, so don't freak out if you get to the hotel and we're not there. But, seriously, you're gonna love it, it's so tiny."_

Kuroneki laughs at the background.

 _"Stop lying to her,"_ his voice becomes louder in the phone. _"I didn't find any bunny, Touka-chan. Haise brought one for you just now, this is just his awful way to ruin a Christmas surprise."_

 _"Ah, come on, you're the one ruining it!"_

Ken laughs too.

 _"Merry Christmas Touka-chan!"_

Out of instinct, Touka represses a sob, carrying her hand to cover her mouth so they won't hear. She cries, and cries silently, and the driver notices her reaction so she stops the car in a corner of the empty snowy hallway. Touka takes a breath, shivering.

"T-Touka-chan? Are you okay?" Haise asks, worried that he didn't get an answer.

"I-I'm okay," she mutters, forcing a smile. "Thank you. I can't wait to see it."

"You're gonna love it," Haise murmurs something in the background, then his voice becomes louder. "Anyway, we gotta go. See you at the hotel. I love you."

I love you.

Touka nods, and the phone-call ends.

"I love you too," she cries, but the phone call is over now, and yet she continues to speak, but it's no longer Haise the one she's talking to. She covers half of her face with her hand, crying in front of a stranger, and her whole body hurts and burns with the sight of Kaneki and it's the only thing she can see when she closes her eyes. "I love you."

She loves him.

She loves him.

She loves him.

She's never stopped.

Not for a single minute.

"I-I'm so sorry," mumbles to the driver who's kind enough to get out of the car and wait for her outside, and that's when Touka cries harder.

She just cries, and cries, safe that no one will hear her. Her hands firmly hold the scarf around her neck, _his_ scarf, a piece of clothing that has already lost the trace of him, his smell, his touch. Touka cries until her soul leaves her body, until there's nothing else left from her.

Nothing.

Time passes by, and Touka manages to calm herself down. She breathes, in and out, and takes the courage to get out of the car very slowly. The winds of winter hit her face like cold water, and the sky is grey and empty, and the trees breathe the smell of the forest. Touka sighs, making sure her cheeks are dry enough, and walks all around the car until she's standing next to the driver. She delivers her an apologetic smile, and the driver smiles back, tenderly. She's holding a cigarette in her hand.

"Do you want one?" the woman asks.

Touka flicks her gaze down at the cigarette.

She hasn't smoked in five years.

Touka nods.

"Yes, please," it's all that she can say.

The woman takes a lighter, a pack of cigarettes and grabs one for her. Touka holds it in between her fingers, leaning down to the burning flame. The smoke hits her lungs and burns everything inside of her, it hurts, it's quite uncomfortable at first, but it's as if Touka feels at home for a brief moment. She sighs, both smocking in silence, and Touka stares at the sky once again. Tomorrow, five years ago, she would be meeting Kaneki in the bridge. He would take her to eat curry, and then both would walk out to his apartment, spending the night together. Confessing their true feelings for the very first time.

Tomorrow, five years ago.

Touka closes her eyes, tears burning down her lids.

Will it ever end? This longing, this feeling, this pain.

Yes, no, maybe.

She doesn't know.

"What time is it?" she asks the driver, bluntly.

The driver blinks, staring at her.

"Oh, I don't… I don't have a watch but, uh, give me a second," the woman turns around, ready to open the car, but Touka stops her.

"No, no, don't. It's okay. I don't need to know."

Her eyes gaze at the sky once more. Her fingers take the cigarette to her lips, she takes a long and painful drag, and her eyes fall shut the moment she exhales the smoke. The smell, somehow, reminds her of him. The old scent of tobacco always impregnated on his clothes, his hands, his lips. She can't smell him anymore, but she still has a cigarette. Yeah. She still has a cigarette.

Touka mutters, softly, for herself.

"It's better not to know."


End file.
